a week of being 30

 Jo is alive~~~~

yeah, I am back

I took a week off from all this as to be honest a lot of the time my diary is a chore to me >.>

Anyway as of today its been a week since I entered my 30's

can't say anything has changed XD

we had a rather difficult week at work tho. We are pushed to our limits at school

we both contemplated quitting our jobs. See, when youre on the bottom of the food chain youre expected to do more and more for less and less until in the end  -  you break

I saw my Jack, my strong/cool and collected Jack, break down in front of head of physics. Hes just so frustrated and had enough of it all. But on better news with him, he has a chance of school paying for him to do a degree at uni! we are still going through the hoops to get him onto the course. But I think basically if he doesnt get this course he will be off. Hes had it with school.

I could barely walk, I was in so much pain and it made me really quite sad.

when my mum came over friday after school she came saying her and dad would like me to have some treatment - treatment they insist on paying for

that was it then, the walls I had kept up to stop others knowing what was on my mind, my troubles and worries, came pouring out. I cried and cried. I think a lot of it was down to sheer exhaustion rather than sadness. Mum was like "im here to support and I want to get to you better! I didnt want to make you cry" it was fine it was just exhaustion. So she said she wants me to have ether reflexology - which does eventually boost my energy but I feel worse before I feel better. Or she wants me having acupuncture - which has the potential to help but I wont see someone other than Nigel as I HATE needles.

I agreed to reflex as I found out my massager charlotte does reflexology so I will book in with her when I see her for a massage on thursday

I didnt agree straight away

I talked it out with Jack the next day as basically I will be poorly after treatment, for whatever reason, it kills me off. Therefore work may be missed. So i said I couldnt have treatment as I cant miss work.

Jack said "Youre already having to have 1 day a week off to work from home cus youre too sick to keep up. Why not have that day working from home but also recovering. So what if you end up actually missing some work. You need to be selfish and look after yourself. Sod work. You need to look after your body more"

hes right, I am already struggling to keep up and having to recover/work from home 1 day a week now so hopefully if I time it so I am only poorly 1 day during the week like on a monday or something, it wont be too bad? ^^; i still feel incredibly guilty about all this. including my parents paying. I am 30 and have moved out but still causing them worry.....

we did our weekend chores but on the whole I did just literally recover from work, I cant believe how much of a corpse I was. I did have my hair cut and then dyed by mummy so I feel all fresh

today me and jack cleaned the house for several hours...looks so tidy and clean. We also had a rejig of the living room. My desk from the study is now in the living room! I like my craft room but I can feel isolated in there from time to time so I thought if I have a desk in the living room I can work in there with Jack and Oz. Also if I have to bun watch then I can still do my art.

my current art is still the picture for Jack's phone case but I would like to try out my new crayons from Jack ^^

Tomorrow

Lizi is coming over! for the first time ever! I am very excited as she is going to gel nails for me, I have never had gel nails before. I have asked for gems and the lot! I am also very happy as she she very covid aware but has said she will come over! I feel honoured ^^ it was another reason why I cleaned so much today, so she feels like my house is clean and not a germ pit. Since covid shes become very germ aware so I was gonna clean my house in the holidays anyway but seeing as she was coming over I decided to do the clean before she comes over. I offered to feed her but she feels happier bringing her own food which is fine. I hope she feels happy and comfortable over here tomorrow

so at 10am we have some guy coming to give us a quote for new windows T^T

then at 12 Lizi is coming over ^^

got my korean stew to put on too >< 

farewell my 20's and I got a tooth gem!!

 Evening

My last day of being in my 20's.....

Last night the wind and rain was so strong and lashing again the windows. It woke me up several times, each time hoping Oz and girls were ok.

I didnt sleep that well. I had another nightmare which I woke up from with damp hair at 4:30am by 5am I had enough of laying there and decided to get up. Jack found me at 6:30am drawing at my laptop. I said I would come back and try sleep again. He told me it was up to me but I thought id try. i cat napped til 7:30am and I couldnt bare the aches any longer so I got up.

I woke jack up at 8am with Ozwald in my hands. Nice way to be woken up isnt it ^^

we had breakfast and went food shopping

we came back and had a tea cake ^^ decided to buy them as a treat~

I did my usual of soup, meat, biscuits

After lunch I went to bed as I was so tired.

When I got up I worked on jack's phone case picture

then the tooth lady said she could see me earlier at 4pm

Jack kindly went with me

wow it was an experience XD

it was in a lady's flat and she had decorated it with leopard stuff and loads of green leaved plants so it was good with the occasional neon light thrown in. I had a cotton wedge in my upper lip and one to bite on. I had to stay like this for 30mins without speaking and trying to swallow the build up saliva. Luckily none escaped and I didnt make a fool or mess of myself! Jack could see me from the sofa and I had these massive red sparkly glasses on to protect from UV light

I had gone with an 8mm silver round gem so just a normal white gem really. 10mm was the biggest which is what I had gone with but when she took it out I agreed with jack's judgement of it being too big XD the different shaped gems were more money - not that i didnt mind paying. but I wanted simple to start. so i had put it and she said if I look after it it could last up to a year but also said due to different acidities of people's saliva the time can differ. Lets hope I havent got a really acidic spit!

I sweated loads in the seat tho! a combo of nerves, a lot of lighting, and a thick jumper. she was really hard working and kept looking at different angles to see what position the gem caught the light best in as you have to think - teeth aint flat or straight! so i was dead pleased with it. I would totally have it again and I hope this lasts! Jack likes it and was glad I didnt go with the massive one XD

I couldnt eat for 2 hours due to the gem setting. I can also not brush my teeth tonight! I did brush them before I went as I thought - shes right in my mouth, I will make my mouth a cleaner fresher working environment for her. So glad I did that!

Jack gamed at the TV and I did 50mins of yoga with Oz whilst he gamed. then I had a pamper in the bath, finally doing dinner for 7:30pm as I could eat now but I still couldnt eat on that side for like 12 hours I think she said.

dinner was good it was noodles so at least it wasnt too hard to eat!

now just doing my last diary before I turn 30! mum has asked her I send her one last txt as a 29 year old XD she would have been a mummy for 30 years tomorrow. She needs a bloody reward! I am seeing her tomorrow after school, shes baking me some cakes!!

tomorrow is school tho >.> did my homework today which was science questions. made me all ready not in the mood for work >.> only 5 more days left then half term.

tomorrow I wake up 30~

I would have spent my entire 2nd decade of life in pain and with depression. I actually cant remember what it feels like to not be in pain. what a body feels like to not ache and feel constantly drained. What does it feel like to feel....good?

will I feel better in my 30's? what will happen? what do I want to happen?

a disappointing pudding

 Evening

I couldnt get off to sleep. I was so shattered but I ached. probably didnt help that I had 2 one hour naps in the day. So jack got up with me and I had fruit loaf and went to bed for midnight. I had a nightmare, some sort of demon person was stood in my bedroom dripping dark shadow onto the floor which then began to move across the floor and up the walls. I woke up sweating and cuddled Jack and fell asleep on him....woops....dont even remember moving off him but I didnt wake on him so I must have ditched him at some point.

So i was quite tired this morning and like yesterday morning I had get rid of my stomach. I had digested nothing. and felt drained. I thought as we had plenty of time to get to the pudding place I would let jack drive but he was like a full on learner today and hit the curb panicking and messed up in other ways. The carpark was full so I kicked him out and drove with him as passenger just so we could get parked up. Which meant we had a longer, and colder walk to the pudding place and I was already feeling like death and stressed out from the drive

we got there and those 4 were already sat and knew what they wanted. I dont think we had our coats off before the guy came over to take our order. Jack knew what he wanted, and to not keep them waiting, I kinda just order whatever. So i ordered salted caramel brownie with 1 scoop of vanilla ice cream. the guys all had these whoopin' pancakes with all sorts with them. they were double the price of my brownie and they were struggling to finish. I on the other hand this brownie, which was not nice. You know how some salted caramel things just can taste a bit off? well it was like that it just wasnt nice. I had 3 teaspoons of it and left it. I ate the ice cream which was nice  but tiny and my tea was bland. So to be honest it was turning out to be a disappointing morning. this was the first thing to start of my birthday celebrations. I hope this isnt a sign for more to come!

But I had fun talking to everyone it was good to see them all for the first time this year.

we parted ways at 11:45am and I drove Jack - no way was he driving again - to find this tooth place and it was quite easy to find. Then I drove to the pharmacy and luckily no one was in it so no waiting.

We got home for 12:30pm and I knew jack wasnt having lunch as he could barely breathe after his meal XD I didnt want lunch as my stomach felt a bit off but I also knew I needed something as I hadnt eaten much - I had had breakfast before going out but 3 teaspoons of brownie wasnt enough for lunch. So i had a milk hot chocolate instead of hot water hot chocolate and I enjoyed that in front of anime. Chilled out a bit and went to bed for an hour but felt no better after it

i got up and attempted some drawing but if I am honest I hardly got anything done at all.

I brought Oz in to sit with Jack as he was just playing pokemon on TV

I somehow passed a very long dull afternoon. Just cus I am so exhausted. I cant do anything. I struggle to rest but I also have no energy for anything else. Not even concentration 

I did dinner and enjoyed that. then I had a bit of pamper in the bathroom with face masks, epilating, light therapy, hair mask. Just to kill some time and to make me feel better I guess.

were gonna watch anime with hot choc  in a mo and then go bed

im so done in. I havent done any exercise and my body is shaking like I have ran a marathon. Whats up with me!? Im gonna be poorly on my 30th at this rate T^T

I plan on doing my nails tonight anyway :)

tomorrow

sunday shop and chores really

I also have homework >.> stupid biology

a day of just me and my brother

 Konbanwa~~~

I slept okish last night and when I woke up this morning I thought I felt ok

but when I actually started moving round the house, I felt like I was carrying a sack of bricks. My body felt heavy and exhausted. My stomach was off I had digested nothing. So all in all I was drained of life. I was glad I was not going school

I did 40mins of yoga, 20 of those minutes were with Oz but he was starting to be a nuisance so I took him home

My brother came over at 8:45am and we had a cup of tea together then cracked on with some work

I was working on the drawing for jacks phone case. 

I went to bed at 10am tho as I had been up since 5:50am cus I got up with jack

did some more work, took breaks, had lunch, went back to bed, kept checking on Oz who was lazy today and then mummy came over at 3pm for 90mins which was nice to see her. Then she left and Jack came home at 5ish and my brother finished his work and put a new screen protector on and he left I did dinner and Jack is shattered. His eyes are red and he is just tired

I told him he doesnt need to game tonight. Gaming should be enjoyable not an endurance so he eventually said he wasnt going to game especially as they would be playing late. I was relieved as he just looked so tired I didnt want him pushing himself. As well we are seeing his friends tomorrow and I rather him be refreshed and enjoy that rather than gaming.

So I need to have a bath yet and clean the bathroom but after that I will have the evening free~

so probably hot chocolate, anime and maybe my switch as I havent had the energy to play pokemon in weeks!

tomorrow

meeting the guys at pudding pantry at 10:30am and then as its close by I might go see where this tooth gem place is so it will help my anxiety

got Oz to clean out before I go out as I like to make him fresh

and dont know what else I will do tomorrow

but it was a different day today. Nice to spend time with my brother and not kill myself at work

stressful fire alarms

 Evening

I slept well but god did I NEED more sleep -_______- just need a long long sleep

but we got up and got ready for school

We got to school and saw chris and the head care taker in the reception area - odd

they told us "the fire alarm has been going off since 7am we are waiting for repairs"

so down our end of the school the fire alarm was stuck on.....a fire alarm that goes in to the danger unsafe section of decibel readings.

It was so loud in science you had to shout. I last 2mins before I decided I was much too stressed out for this so I left Jack and Lizzi and came back to reception as the alarm wasnt on in that part of the school. I was stressed out. This was not how I wanted to start my day.

Staff we stressed, anxious, didnt know what to do as it was 8am and kids start coming in at 8:30am

what do you do?

the head teacher rocked up at 8:10am

and the care taker gave him the run down and a decision needed to be made but he said to keep the kids in the hall and canteen until the engineer came

the engineer said it could be up to 4 hours

I didnt know when it was gonna end

I was sat in an uncomfortable seat which made me ache and stress was making me ache

terrible

jack told me to go and work from home but I didnt want to leave him with all this

but when it got to 9am - so the alarm had been on 2 hours straight - giving everyone banging headaches, the engineer said he was 15mins away

by 9:30am the alarm had been turned off and classes went ahead

but care taker told us the alarms still arent functioning as normal so if they were triggered they would go off for hours again. He said science and DT were banned from practicals today and tomorrow. Which is fair enough as we could screw it up for the whole of the school if an experiment gets to hot or something. Head of science didnt seem to see an issue and wanted pracs to go ahead as usual. Jack said no. I was so stressed out.

I wanted to cry in a corner, go home and sleep, run away

it was just awful. I couldnt cope

I had a cup of tea and a biscuit then went to my lesson which was hard going as luke was in his eliment talking about leaves. It ended up being a whole hour of talking and we didnt do the practical! he was enjoying himself too much XD i was struggling tho. I was so tired and drained and achy

The rest of the day was a real struggle. The computer system went down too. So we couldnt use the computers or printers. It was one thing after another. I had had enough. I was reaching breaking point. I couldnt take anymore noise ether

i got home, got dressed and went to bed for an hour

luckily it was just pizza for jack and leftover chicken for me which i put in a wrap. so he did the pizza and I did the wrap and had my cup of tea with it - i wasnt gonna miss out on that!

i was too exhausted to exercise so I didnt tonight

I had a bath, my brother rang. Hes working from home tomorrow so wanted to borrow my desk. I told him that I dont think I am going in tomorrow. I have nothing more to give after today. jack is fine with it. My brother is coming over 8:45am to 5pm and hes using my desk but its big enough for both of us to work at should we need to. 

so I will have company tomorrow at least as it can feel a long day by yourself.

I will miss my jack. When he comes home he will be playing online til late too

gotta get up at 6am with him to have breakfast with him and he is sorting out his own transport

I am sure I will pass the day somehow

so thats tomorrow really

bet mummy will come see me at some point too

just cant believe today.

hours of art at school

 Evening

I didnt sleep well

I had taken too much and felt rather sick, then kept waking up...in pain >.>

we have been watching MMO junkie before bed and I have been enjoying it. It was left on a cliff hanger last night tho so I am looking forward to it tonight! We are also really enjoying Magus bride. its so good and beautifully animated too.

This morning I could have quite easily have stayed home. But I spoke to jack when we had gone to bed saying i need a goal for my days and my days need to be structured as its all fallen off the page somewhat. He felt like he had let me down. So hes making an effort to right my to-do lists so I have structure and said if i get my jobs done then I can do display work and art.

So today at school, as luck would have it, i had like zero lessons or lessons were hardly anything was needed. Certainly no practicals! So I was prepped for 9:20am XD and I asked if it was ok to do art and he said it was fine. So I have been in my element today and did a lot of sitting. But last lesson of the day I did go help Luke in his class as he has a very needy bottom set of 8 children and it was big chemistry prac to do. So I thought id help him, help the kids, return the practical in a nice state for julia 

it all went well ^^ and its nice being involved with the children too for a change

we got home and mum was already here

I sat and had tea with her whilst Jack went off to play his switch, dont blame him

she had brought the sows over so I got a brief cuddle of them which was nice. Oz did not want to play outside but I said "if theyre outside you can be too!" mardy bun

Mum left and I scooped my bunny up and brought him inside so we could have dinner with him. We had the korean stew which did taste a lot better this time round.

I went on just dance for a bit but it was tiring, had a nice bath. Sat and wrote what meals I want on my birthday week XD only the best of course! so much meat XD

Now gonna grab hot choc and watch anime

I AM SHATTERED

tomorrow is school

hoping to do more art and I have my lesson and we are starting our new topic - bioenergetics 

fed up of these legs

 Evening

school wasnt too bad

and it was the teacher's 50th birthday I made the card for and I think she appreciated it. She brought cakes in only store brought and I didnt fancy it. I was hungry today tho

also today  I can't walk very well. Its just pain. Pain, pain and more pain

I am sick of

I couldnt even work out much at home cus it hurts to work out. it hurts to stand

i am fed up

half term is looming - my week off - my light at the end of the tunnel

but whats the point if I cant enjoy it!!!!

i saw mummy after school today which was nice

think i am seeing her again tomorrow

had no time for drawing or anything really tonight

not sure where the time actually went

tomorrow is stew morning and school

something that disgusted me was googling what a pug dog skull looks like

i cant unsee it.....