big isnt always better

 Evening

I couldnt get off last night despite being half dead from massage

I had to get up and eat something and take lots of drugs. By which time jack finished gaming and came to bed so we went to bed at the same time. I woke up in the night for a huge 2L wee XD and even at 8am I needed a huge wee. Its all from massage, but surprises me how much the human bladder can hold @.@

I was dead this morning I had lilacy white lips, lovely. Theyre usually pale but not THAT pale....

But I couldnt bare to waste a day inside 4 walls so after mum txt me to see how I was this morning I told her I could manage going to TK with her. But then she told me to go get Jack's permission >.> how unfair is that!? its just cus I am prone to pushing myself and Jack knows this. He gave me the terms and conditions, like I had to say before I was dying that I am dying, not to carry bags. So I told mum and she came for me at 9:30am. i put my bank card in her purse so it meant I had nothing to carry. No keys or phone XD 

we had a look around for almost an hour, I managed to buy 2 plants pots and they match ^^ they are for my bathroom as my plants in there are desperate for a repot. I got some hot chocolate too and a candle that smells like chocolate. I am picky with candles and also light them almost everyday. As Oz being in the lounge so much can make it smell of....bun....

we got home and mum helped me bring stuff in

she stayed for a quick cup of tea then left. I recovered and had my lunch. I felt too wired to sleep tho so I sat and drew~ I drew for ages but was taking breaks when i couldnt sit at the desk anymore. Jack likes the drawing so far, I havent drawn in a sketchbook for ages!!! I want to test my pencil crayons out and I feel the first thing I do with them should be for jack ^^ 

My brother came over just before dinner, after I had a bath. He came to drop off his work graphics tablet for me to have a go with as its like A3 size 0.0 its freakin huge! but in doing this he had to download the new wacom software as my tablet is 10+ years old....

doing this deleted my settings for my tablet so I was a bit sad but I wanted to have a go on a big tablet to see if I would want to upgrade to a big tablet one day.

We had dinner when my brother left and Jack went to game. I sat in the lounge with Oz. I was testing out my brother's tablet but I could not get on with it. DOES NOT NEED TO BE THAT BIG!!! size is not everything it would seem. Literally couldnt cope with it being that big. So I went to plug mine back in and nothing worked, i was googling how to set stuff up, couldnt do it. i was getting anxious and frustrated until at 7pm I took Oz home and went to my parents.

No one was expecting me and they were happy to have me. My brother put everything back to normal for me on my laptop as I took everything over with me. i was relieved and felt I would actually be able to sleep tonight.... 

mum cut me some banana cake she made today it was so good! she gave me some to take home and some biscuits she made and they were for Jack as she said "i dont know if you will share that cake" XD she knows me well. I had a pig sit and told truffs I would see her tomorrow for a trim.

I stayed til 8:30pm and came home. jack had realised I had gone. I forgot to say anything to him and didnt take my phone ^^; I was in so much of pickle over my tablet. He was fine and happy to have a biscuit I brought to him

Hes still gaming for a short while more then hes coming down

whilst he was gaming I repotted 4 plants. he wouldnt let me do it earlier as he didnt want me to push myself but I got it done ^^ my new pots are in the bathroom and look so nice!! I am so happy with them :D and other plants have had a shuffle. My coconut has a bigger pot now but I dont think it will last it long as it wasnt that much bigger but it will tide it over for now. couldnt keep it in the pot it came in it was cruel! I fed everything rain water I have been cultivating in an old coffee jar like some crazy person.

I am very tired and achy now tho but I feel I have achieved something

tomorrow

got Oz to clean out and bathroom to clean, then going to mums for an hour mainly to trim truffs fur as my god she a mess~ then probably draw rest of the day or do some actual revision i guess.....

Our 3rd anniversary

 Evening

I ran out of time yesterday

I woke up at 7am and I made biscuits and got ready to go into the city centre 

I was a bit disappointed as my legs were hurting and I wasnt able to walk my best. I think it was because the day before I had been sat like all day with Lizi.

My brother pulled up at 8:50am and he was using my desk to work from home. I would be leaving my brother and boyfriend alone together. Something that would have never happened a year ago. My brother was still unsure round Jack but little by little hes getting more comfortable round him. Jack is learning more about my brother too. I was feeling ok about leaving the two of them alone

Mum picked me up at about 9:30am and we headed into the city on a very windy day. we got on a bus and yeah the whole thing felt like 10 years had passed. When had I last gone into the city? when had I last gone with her?

we walked round, and she pitied me, I know she did. She told me that she and dad cant bare seeing me like this. Told me they wanted me to reduce my hours or aim for Lizi's job once she moves on. Something I literally cant afford to do. She said I have no life, I just work and suffer, and why? I had spent my whole 20s suffering, id be soon 40 having spent my 30s suffering. thank you mum.  she wasnt saying it to depress me, shes worried and wants whats best. But we need something called MONEY which is something you get less of if you work part time

we looked round several jewellery shops in the aim of finding rings. However we didnt really find anything we truly liked. It would have been picking out something for the sake of it. She was shocked at how much stuff was and said she hadnt brought out enough money and if she tried to use her bank card it would probably get blocked as she never uses it T^T she told me this as we had stopped at midday for cake and hot chocolate. So at this point I decided to not push myself any further as I could barely walk and we wouldnt be able to buy anything anyway. But to be honest I am not bothered. Yeah I ring would be nice I guess but I dont NEED it, I had a nice time with mummy, we had gone TK MAXX and brought them out of their rabbit easter stuff XD we had an amazing cake. Everyone has made a fuss of me for my birthday, I dont need anything else.

She dropped me off and she stayed 10 or so minutes to talk with my brother. I hugged her goodbye and went straight to bed whilst she was still here XD

I got up and had a cup of tea with Jack and we talked about our days, we had a bath, my brother finished up work and left us. I was keeping Oz in til the last possible minute so I wouldnt need to have him out when I got home. However he ended up going home a bit early as he went a bit mad. He jumped onto my bare skin arm, started humping my hand but was holding on with his teeth...i was squealing at him as my god it was so painful, if it wasnt for me having thick skin then he would have pierced it. I squealed as I didnt want to scare him by screaming no matter how much I wanted to scream, i was trying to prise him off my arm but his jaw had like locked onto my skin. Jack came running through as he could hear me distressed. Oz just about finished at this point and left me with 2 purple/red teeth marks. I felt my eyes water - from pain and shock. Jack told me to take him straight him (he was in a towel from the bath) I put Oz home and usually he does 180 in a second and checks his food dish for his evening treat or even my hand for a treat, however, he did not do this. He went all low and submissive like he knew I wasnt happy with him

we got to harveys for about 6:30

it was good to see harvey and theo. They ordered burgers and I took fish soup over. We started eating and I asked Jack what day it was he said "wednesday" I said "its also our 3rd anniversary" he said "yeah I know its our anniversary"

Harvey turned to theo "shall we leave for them to have it out?" XD I had deliberately waited to ask him in front of his friends just to see what laughs would come of it. Harvey was calling Jack all names under the sun. Jack was playing it up saying "woman know their place" theo was laughing

It made me laugh. I know my Jack loves me. We had decided to not do anything for our anniversary as I was running short on energy this holiday and also cant walk! we havent had a day out anywhere together this holiday cus of me.

we ordered pudding and I ordered my own pudding instead of eating jack's free ice cream. I had fudge cookie dough, ice cream, custard and really enjoyed it. I mean I wanted to kill myself afterwards but I did enjoy it and didnt get crippling tummy ache

we left at just before 9pm. I said to jack when we left "shall we pretend to have a row on harveys doorstep?" he laughed and said he would love to do that.

I got home and was having thoughts about food. I also felt sad about Oz it felt like we had gone to bed on an argument and i was hoping he wasnt upset doing bunny tears. I managed to get some sleep

this morning it hurt to walk from walking with mum yesterday

i had a banging headache, i felt exhausted and i think my body was screaming at me to just god damn rest. something which i am not good at ^^; however I have very much lazed about today it feels like a waste of life but suppose needed to be done.

Oz was ok with me, I went to get him out this morning and he was all submissive and low and gave me lots of licks. He wants his mummy to love him

I went for a massage at 4pm and it felt so good, i told her my shoulders are sending pain up neck to my head she told me afterwards that they were horrendous and she did my legs but was careful. shes very good at her job. she gave me some skin care to try and I booked in another massage for easter holidays and also booked in some reflexology as my mother requested 

i came home and ate as i felt a bit sicky and thought a hot bath might make me feel even more sick. she  had told me that if i could soak my shoulders in hot water that would be good as she did a number on them and they will ache come tomorrow. so after my dinner which i just reheated in the microwave, i had a hot bath. Jack has been gaming on a new PC game since 4:30pm, some warhammer game hes playing with theo. So he made wraps and took them to his study. He asked if this was all ok and it was as i am dead.

I am just doing my diary with Oz on the floor snoring, its only 8pm XD

I will be going to bed soon, by myself

tomorrow

mum said she will ether go TK MAXX with me or come over for a brew she says it depends how I am. I know I need to rest tho so if I am crippled which I imagine I will be - then it will be a rest day

Id like to get some drawing done, as I have finished drawing the pokemon for the case i just got to do the background

Gel nails with Lizi :D

 Evening

I slept okish, apart from getting up at midnight needing to eat something as I felt sick and my stomach burned from tablets. I woke up at 8am and got Jack up as we needed to get the stew on

Jack did chores and also rang the window company to tell them to stick it. He didnt like what he read online about them, I mean I didnt want them over anyway so I was unwilling to give my time and energy to them. We are still hopefully getting the window guy over my parents have used later in the week.

I did some drawing in the living room with Jack and Oz which was nice. But I was so tired and kept laying on the bed. I had a quick lunch of porridge before Lizi came over

she came over at 12:20pm and left at 7:30pm......7 hours of talking and pretending to be ok ^^;

to say I am exhausted is an understatement. I had no strength left. No exercise happened and i ate chocolates so I am full of self loathing

however I have had such a lovely day

she loved my house, she was happy and relax and not worrying about covid - we did do tests at 8:30am

we did each others nails so I have finally been able to see gel nails! I have gel nails! I am going to take a photo of these beauties in the day light tomorrow! I am in love! she loved what I did for her. I offered her dinner but she would have it, which is fair enough

she was entranced by my bunny XD Oz got loads of fuss and treats today >.> damn him

Jack enjoyed having her over and came to join us for a convo at times. Mainly times when i shouted him cus I wanted tea XD

She spoke to us about her career and what to do and yeah she stayed a lot longer than anticipated ^^; but we would certainly do it again ^^ i enjoyed my day but so exhausted and I didnt eat til 7pm!

she left and we had korean noodle stew which was so good! I used the korean spices I brought the other day ^^ I was happy with it

Oz went home later than normal as we were later than normal doing everything, he was so tired bless him.

I went for a bath then my brother rang, think he wants to use my desk tomorrow as he is working from home which is fine.

tomorrow

going into the city centre with my mummy

we are going ring shopping and going out for cake~~ should be good

Jack will probably be here gaming and my brother here working~

then in the evening we are off to Harveys for takeaway, I am having a stew out the freezer but I will join in for dessert  

a week of being 30

 Jo is alive~~~~

yeah, I am back

I took a week off from all this as to be honest a lot of the time my diary is a chore to me >.>

Anyway as of today its been a week since I entered my 30's

can't say anything has changed XD

we had a rather difficult week at work tho. We are pushed to our limits at school

we both contemplated quitting our jobs. See, when youre on the bottom of the food chain youre expected to do more and more for less and less until in the end  -  you break

I saw my Jack, my strong/cool and collected Jack, break down in front of head of physics. Hes just so frustrated and had enough of it all. But on better news with him, he has a chance of school paying for him to do a degree at uni! we are still going through the hoops to get him onto the course. But I think basically if he doesnt get this course he will be off. Hes had it with school.

I could barely walk, I was in so much pain and it made me really quite sad.

when my mum came over friday after school she came saying her and dad would like me to have some treatment - treatment they insist on paying for

that was it then, the walls I had kept up to stop others knowing what was on my mind, my troubles and worries, came pouring out. I cried and cried. I think a lot of it was down to sheer exhaustion rather than sadness. Mum was like "im here to support and I want to get to you better! I didnt want to make you cry" it was fine it was just exhaustion. So she said she wants me to have ether reflexology - which does eventually boost my energy but I feel worse before I feel better. Or she wants me having acupuncture - which has the potential to help but I wont see someone other than Nigel as I HATE needles.

I agreed to reflex as I found out my massager charlotte does reflexology so I will book in with her when I see her for a massage on thursday

I didnt agree straight away

I talked it out with Jack the next day as basically I will be poorly after treatment, for whatever reason, it kills me off. Therefore work may be missed. So i said I couldnt have treatment as I cant miss work.

Jack said "Youre already having to have 1 day a week off to work from home cus youre too sick to keep up. Why not have that day working from home but also recovering. So what if you end up actually missing some work. You need to be selfish and look after yourself. Sod work. You need to look after your body more"

hes right, I am already struggling to keep up and having to recover/work from home 1 day a week now so hopefully if I time it so I am only poorly 1 day during the week like on a monday or something, it wont be too bad? ^^; i still feel incredibly guilty about all this. including my parents paying. I am 30 and have moved out but still causing them worry.....

we did our weekend chores but on the whole I did just literally recover from work, I cant believe how much of a corpse I was. I did have my hair cut and then dyed by mummy so I feel all fresh

today me and jack cleaned the house for several hours...looks so tidy and clean. We also had a rejig of the living room. My desk from the study is now in the living room! I like my craft room but I can feel isolated in there from time to time so I thought if I have a desk in the living room I can work in there with Jack and Oz. Also if I have to bun watch then I can still do my art.

my current art is still the picture for Jack's phone case but I would like to try out my new crayons from Jack ^^

Tomorrow

Lizi is coming over! for the first time ever! I am very excited as she is going to gel nails for me, I have never had gel nails before. I have asked for gems and the lot! I am also very happy as she she very covid aware but has said she will come over! I feel honoured ^^ it was another reason why I cleaned so much today, so she feels like my house is clean and not a germ pit. Since covid shes become very germ aware so I was gonna clean my house in the holidays anyway but seeing as she was coming over I decided to do the clean before she comes over. I offered to feed her but she feels happier bringing her own food which is fine. I hope she feels happy and comfortable over here tomorrow

so at 10am we have some guy coming to give us a quote for new windows T^T

then at 12 Lizi is coming over ^^

got my korean stew to put on too >< 

farewell my 20's and I got a tooth gem!!

 Evening

My last day of being in my 20's.....

Last night the wind and rain was so strong and lashing again the windows. It woke me up several times, each time hoping Oz and girls were ok.

I didnt sleep that well. I had another nightmare which I woke up from with damp hair at 4:30am by 5am I had enough of laying there and decided to get up. Jack found me at 6:30am drawing at my laptop. I said I would come back and try sleep again. He told me it was up to me but I thought id try. i cat napped til 7:30am and I couldnt bare the aches any longer so I got up.

I woke jack up at 8am with Ozwald in my hands. Nice way to be woken up isnt it ^^

we had breakfast and went food shopping

we came back and had a tea cake ^^ decided to buy them as a treat~

I did my usual of soup, meat, biscuits

After lunch I went to bed as I was so tired.

When I got up I worked on jack's phone case picture

then the tooth lady said she could see me earlier at 4pm

Jack kindly went with me

wow it was an experience XD

it was in a lady's flat and she had decorated it with leopard stuff and loads of green leaved plants so it was good with the occasional neon light thrown in. I had a cotton wedge in my upper lip and one to bite on. I had to stay like this for 30mins without speaking and trying to swallow the build up saliva. Luckily none escaped and I didnt make a fool or mess of myself! Jack could see me from the sofa and I had these massive red sparkly glasses on to protect from UV light

I had gone with an 8mm silver round gem so just a normal white gem really. 10mm was the biggest which is what I had gone with but when she took it out I agreed with jack's judgement of it being too big XD the different shaped gems were more money - not that i didnt mind paying. but I wanted simple to start. so i had put it and she said if I look after it it could last up to a year but also said due to different acidities of people's saliva the time can differ. Lets hope I havent got a really acidic spit!

I sweated loads in the seat tho! a combo of nerves, a lot of lighting, and a thick jumper. she was really hard working and kept looking at different angles to see what position the gem caught the light best in as you have to think - teeth aint flat or straight! so i was dead pleased with it. I would totally have it again and I hope this lasts! Jack likes it and was glad I didnt go with the massive one XD

I couldnt eat for 2 hours due to the gem setting. I can also not brush my teeth tonight! I did brush them before I went as I thought - shes right in my mouth, I will make my mouth a cleaner fresher working environment for her. So glad I did that!

Jack gamed at the TV and I did 50mins of yoga with Oz whilst he gamed. then I had a pamper in the bath, finally doing dinner for 7:30pm as I could eat now but I still couldnt eat on that side for like 12 hours I think she said.

dinner was good it was noodles so at least it wasnt too hard to eat!

now just doing my last diary before I turn 30! mum has asked her I send her one last txt as a 29 year old XD she would have been a mummy for 30 years tomorrow. She needs a bloody reward! I am seeing her tomorrow after school, shes baking me some cakes!!

tomorrow is school tho >.> did my homework today which was science questions. made me all ready not in the mood for work >.> only 5 more days left then half term.

tomorrow I wake up 30~

I would have spent my entire 2nd decade of life in pain and with depression. I actually cant remember what it feels like to not be in pain. what a body feels like to not ache and feel constantly drained. What does it feel like to feel....good?

will I feel better in my 30's? what will happen? what do I want to happen?

a disappointing pudding

 Evening

I couldnt get off to sleep. I was so shattered but I ached. probably didnt help that I had 2 one hour naps in the day. So jack got up with me and I had fruit loaf and went to bed for midnight. I had a nightmare, some sort of demon person was stood in my bedroom dripping dark shadow onto the floor which then began to move across the floor and up the walls. I woke up sweating and cuddled Jack and fell asleep on him....woops....dont even remember moving off him but I didnt wake on him so I must have ditched him at some point.

So i was quite tired this morning and like yesterday morning I had get rid of my stomach. I had digested nothing. and felt drained. I thought as we had plenty of time to get to the pudding place I would let jack drive but he was like a full on learner today and hit the curb panicking and messed up in other ways. The carpark was full so I kicked him out and drove with him as passenger just so we could get parked up. Which meant we had a longer, and colder walk to the pudding place and I was already feeling like death and stressed out from the drive

we got there and those 4 were already sat and knew what they wanted. I dont think we had our coats off before the guy came over to take our order. Jack knew what he wanted, and to not keep them waiting, I kinda just order whatever. So i ordered salted caramel brownie with 1 scoop of vanilla ice cream. the guys all had these whoopin' pancakes with all sorts with them. they were double the price of my brownie and they were struggling to finish. I on the other hand this brownie, which was not nice. You know how some salted caramel things just can taste a bit off? well it was like that it just wasnt nice. I had 3 teaspoons of it and left it. I ate the ice cream which was nice  but tiny and my tea was bland. So to be honest it was turning out to be a disappointing morning. this was the first thing to start of my birthday celebrations. I hope this isnt a sign for more to come!

But I had fun talking to everyone it was good to see them all for the first time this year.

we parted ways at 11:45am and I drove Jack - no way was he driving again - to find this tooth place and it was quite easy to find. Then I drove to the pharmacy and luckily no one was in it so no waiting.

We got home for 12:30pm and I knew jack wasnt having lunch as he could barely breathe after his meal XD I didnt want lunch as my stomach felt a bit off but I also knew I needed something as I hadnt eaten much - I had had breakfast before going out but 3 teaspoons of brownie wasnt enough for lunch. So i had a milk hot chocolate instead of hot water hot chocolate and I enjoyed that in front of anime. Chilled out a bit and went to bed for an hour but felt no better after it

i got up and attempted some drawing but if I am honest I hardly got anything done at all.

I brought Oz in to sit with Jack as he was just playing pokemon on TV

I somehow passed a very long dull afternoon. Just cus I am so exhausted. I cant do anything. I struggle to rest but I also have no energy for anything else. Not even concentration 

I did dinner and enjoyed that. then I had a bit of pamper in the bathroom with face masks, epilating, light therapy, hair mask. Just to kill some time and to make me feel better I guess.

were gonna watch anime with hot choc  in a mo and then go bed

im so done in. I havent done any exercise and my body is shaking like I have ran a marathon. Whats up with me!? Im gonna be poorly on my 30th at this rate T^T

I plan on doing my nails tonight anyway :)

tomorrow

sunday shop and chores really

I also have homework >.> stupid biology

a day of just me and my brother

 Konbanwa~~~

I slept okish last night and when I woke up this morning I thought I felt ok

but when I actually started moving round the house, I felt like I was carrying a sack of bricks. My body felt heavy and exhausted. My stomach was off I had digested nothing. So all in all I was drained of life. I was glad I was not going school

I did 40mins of yoga, 20 of those minutes were with Oz but he was starting to be a nuisance so I took him home

My brother came over at 8:45am and we had a cup of tea together then cracked on with some work

I was working on the drawing for jacks phone case. 

I went to bed at 10am tho as I had been up since 5:50am cus I got up with jack

did some more work, took breaks, had lunch, went back to bed, kept checking on Oz who was lazy today and then mummy came over at 3pm for 90mins which was nice to see her. Then she left and Jack came home at 5ish and my brother finished his work and put a new screen protector on and he left I did dinner and Jack is shattered. His eyes are red and he is just tired

I told him he doesnt need to game tonight. Gaming should be enjoyable not an endurance so he eventually said he wasnt going to game especially as they would be playing late. I was relieved as he just looked so tired I didnt want him pushing himself. As well we are seeing his friends tomorrow and I rather him be refreshed and enjoy that rather than gaming.

So I need to have a bath yet and clean the bathroom but after that I will have the evening free~

so probably hot chocolate, anime and maybe my switch as I havent had the energy to play pokemon in weeks!

tomorrow

meeting the guys at pudding pantry at 10:30am and then as its close by I might go see where this tooth gem place is so it will help my anxiety

got Oz to clean out before I go out as I like to make him fresh

and dont know what else I will do tomorrow

but it was a different day today. Nice to spend time with my brother and not kill myself at work