so how have I not lost weight?

 Konbanwa~~

I was sleeping last night then was awoken at 11:40pm with awful awful stomach pain. Like the actual stomach part. It HURT. I didnt know what to do with myself. No position would help. So I got up and sat in a ball/mushroom position on the sofa with the hot bag on my stomach and simply waited for this pain to pass. It was 1:30am til it eventually eased off enough for me to lay down. I have no idea what that was all about. I had to spend quality time on the toilet when I woke up >.>

Jack weighed me this morning like he did last saturday. He said I had maintained my weight....how

how is that possible considering what I have been surviving off. I said "youre lying" he said "no Im not. Youve maintained" I think  he was lying so not to trigger my eating disorder.

little does he know that lying had the opposite effect on my head

it massively messed with my head

why havent I lost weight?

surely I am still eating too much

if I wasnt on the diet and eating normally, what weight would I have gained? 

that kinda thing

I tried not to pay it too much attention and told my self that I have surely lost some weight this week. Not that I am on the diet for weight loss, but the suffering I am enduring, losing weight would make me feel better about the suffering. 

We put the pets out

put them home and went food shop, got fuel, got a parcel. I was knackered

we sat down then made soup whilst soup was cooking I cleaned Oz out and cleaned the bathroom. Ate lunch and died on my bed. I was done

when I woke up I went for a half hour walk by myself as Jack was gaming with Theo

then sat on my laptop and bought Jack and jacket as I noticed today his has gone a bit sun bleached. 

we did dinner, had a bit of stomach ache after dinner of course but I still sat with the girls

I cant believe how jealous Oz gets when I pay them any attention tho. He doesnt like the attention not being on him! I could never bring another bun home, it would upset him massively! 

I had a bath and now doing diary

basically didnt get time for any ME time today so tomorrow I am doing what the hell I like.

might go for a walk with Jack in the morning and make some cards for people after that.

getting a letter home about my absence...

 pyon~

Well done to me I have made it through my week ^^

I couldnt sleep last night cus I ached ><  so I got up with Jack just til 10:30pm to take pain killers. I then fell asleep. I have been sleeping pretty well this week.

I woke up this morning and felt so done in, but I could no face working from home. Especially with such a randy bunny >.> so I went to work~

Work was ok

Head of science pulled me aside and said I would receive a letter home in regards to my 14 day absence. I instantly panicked but he said it would be about an informal meeting happening between me, him, Jack and someone from the trust. He said its just to check in with how stuff is. Nothing to worry about it. I shall choose to believe him.

I got my day done anyway. I came home to find sows! I squeezed them I put them outside with Oz. Oz came in when I went to bed but I left the girls out as they were safe and happy and even after my 2 hour sleep they were still out and eating the grass. They must have been full of grass!

My brother and his girlfriend came over to borrow the switch dock cus she forgot hers and they stayed 40mins. I then was trying to plan next weeks menu which is hard when I have zero brain cells and a dull diet....

Jack came home and we talked on the bed a bit then did dinner.

Jack told Oz off for humping me the 3rd time today XD he is randy bunny today

Its 6:15pm and I havent done any exercise yet today! my body is so tired tho i am unsure what I can even do >< but I might sit with the girls first then ether exercise or bath

tomorrow

food shop in the morning and got Oz to clean out

I am so glad I was able to do this week

last day tomorrow and I get the sows!

 Evening~~

I slept pretty well again last night and woke up just before my alarm - I prefer it this way, I hate waking up to an alarm, I like waking up on my terms

I could tell when I got up this morning that I was running out of steam. I wanted to go school but knew I would struggle with my fatigue today

Got to school and had my first practical to do since returning - there has been other biology practicals to do but Jack did them for me. I managed it, I felt it took me longer than normal cus I needed to get into the swing of it again like making up chemicals etc but Jack was there for me ^^

I helped a bit in one class too

and did sitting down jobs and got all my jobs done but I had had enough. Jeez Id had enough

I keep being hungry 45mins into my shift T^T so i have one snack then an hour or so later I have my second snack ><; 

I came home and had lunch with mummy and Oz

Then went to bed for 2 hours as I was so tired ><

woke up and did 30mins of yoga but it was hard going I had no energy. Its hard being on this diet and still recovering your digestive organs as I am not eating energy rich foods and not getting everything from the food I am eating. So life is very hard right now! But I have to try and do some exercise each day. 

Then I made lunch for Jack he has such a good lunch tomorrow! made a start on dinner. Ate dinner far to quick as I was ravenous so I had bad tummy ache after my dinner I know it wasnt helped by how fast I did eat but I was just so desperate to have food in me! Whilst recovering on the floor with my hot bag I watched Jack and Oz groom one another its so sweet. jack using a brush obviously! 

Im gonna have a bath then slather steroid cream all over my face and neck as my eczema is so sore now. 

Then it will be anime and switchs in bed.

tomorrow is friday, last day of term and also the day the sows come!

Jack has said I can work from home if needed but I really dont want to. I shall see how I am tomorrow if I feel I can get through the day and safely drive home. Mum will drop the sows off mid morning

i dont want to work from home but I also need to be grateful at how well I have done this week. I have done much better than I thought. I went from nothing to being back on my 4 hour shifts   

made an olaf

 Evening

I slept pretty well last night. I woke up at 5:50am to the sound of Jack 'screaming' in his sleep. Did not know he could go so high pitched! I woke him up as I thought he must be having a nightmare. And he was. So I was glad I woke him. I decided to get up tho as I knew if I fell asleep Id be annoyed at the alarm in a short amount of time.

So we had a leisurely morning~

school was ok I guess. Julia had had all on with her cat in the night, she looked shattered. Jack ended up taking her home with a cage from a science teacher so she could lock the cat up. Her cage hasnt arrived yet and he needs to be locked up for 6-8 weeks bless him. I felt sicky anxious when he left as I was worried about people needing stuff and I didnt have him there to help. So I hid in Julia's prep room for 15mins as I knew he wouldnt be too long

Then a teacher came to say she was needing to make a big Olaf for her daughters birthday this weekend so she could play pin the carrot on Olaf. I offered to do this for her ^^ I enjoyed myself. I left it for her as I had to go home and she was in lesson. Jack said she LOVED it, well worth doing. I didnt take as many breaks as I was bit fixated on doing the Olaf art >< also Jack was upstairs in Julia's prep room like the whole time disposing of chemicals so he wasnt around to tell me to go for breaks. I got all my other jobs done, I was doing Olaf all morning but it was fun to do. I took a picture so I will show it one day

I got home and mum was here, I sorted my thai curry out I had put on before school, had lunch with mummy we talked about ADHD and autism, as you do. I waited for the washer to finish so I didnt get to bed til 2pm and then when I woke up it was 4pm. I went in the garage with Oz to make up the girls cage as theyre staying on friday ^^ cant wait

Jack came home and we watched the teaser for scarlet and violet which wasnt anything great I have to say....then we had dinner. I got tummy ache from food. 

I need to have a bath and maybe do some yoga, done no exercise today! Im not getting round to art today cus I keep sleeping for 2 hours! but I am so tired ><

Oz has demanded so much fuss today its been lovely. Think I have had 3 full face washes from him. I love him and always give him fuss if he wants it. I never ignore him. 

Tomorrow

school and seeing mummy. 

putting myself down, getting upset cus I am hungry and tired

 Yo~nn

I was struggling last night. I was looking at jobs and decided I couldnt do any of them due to my health or even if I did get the job that they would be disappointed me as Id no doubt have time off cus of my health. Then in bed I started doubting myself as a technician. Saying I was crap and a let down in the team. Jack cuddled me and told me how good I was as a technician. Bless him, its always me in the relationship with the emotional breakdowns, making his tshirt wet with tears. He said "I feel you have a lot more to be upset about than me. Youre poorly after all" hes so understanding and amazing. 

At the end of the day I was simply tired and hungry. Thats what triggered all this off -____- not my proudest moment. I had to get up for more pain killers as being upset ramped up my pain and my head was killing me.

this morning I woke up 10mins before my alarm so I woke Jack up with a cuddle. Kinda didnt feel like going school ><

school was ok tho. I got a txt from Julia saying her cat had broke its leg last night so she was having to take him to the vets. So we covered for her. She came in at 10am and her phone rang - the vets saying she needed to collect her cat and take him to a specialist vets to have plates put in his leg. Poor kitty. So glad she has pet insurance as its costing £4000.....eye watering

so she went and never returned cus she needed to get across town in a taxi

I went to see Lizi and the new art technician Kimberley! shes so lovely  and so young! shes 21 and from hong kong originally. I am glad shes wanting to be our friend ^^ Jack said she felt comfortable enough to come eat lunch with him and chris joined too. I was glad Jack hadnt been alone all afternoon

I had lunch with mummy then went to bed, woke up at 3:15pm. I went for a 20min walk I wanted to g longer but that was the most I could manage. I have zero energy!

I got back and made Jack's lunch for tomorrow again. I dont have to but I like to try make his life easier and he says I always make tasty lunch ^^ i love doing things for him.

I then made a start on dinner as I was hungry and wanted to eat as soon as jack came through the door.

I really should do some art but unsure what to do and I am so tired. Maybe I should just be grateful I am back at work instead of putting extra stress on myself.

I will go for my bath now

Oz is cute. I love him. I spend so much time with that bun. I hope Julia's cat will be ok

tomorrow school

I managed to return to school

 Evening

Im so hungry T^T I have been hungry allllll day TT^TT

I had a banana before bed as I was hungry. Woke up hungry. Everything I eat doesnt fill me for long. Food I fancy eating, I cant eat. The food I can eat doesnt fill or satisfy me. Life sucks >.>

so anyway, I slept thank god. As I was returning to work today

I wasnt too anxious ether so I could tell I was ready to return

I was warmly welcomed back but the department wasnt happy cus of who they have employed as our new head of department, that happened on friday. No one likes the decision but no surprise there. If youre a straight white male - youll get the job and the top jobs at that, at the school. Way it is. we all know it. sad isnt it.

So today my morning felt like a hard slog because I had zero energy. I got my jobs done tho - somehow. Then I was doing sitting down jobs that Jack gave me. Then chris came to talk to us which was nice as I havent seen him for weeks. He was telling me about new art tech and showed me a photo, she seems nice so I want to meet her ^^

I came home and saw mum for literally an hour whilst I ate lunch as I was so exhausted and in need of my bed. As soon as I went to bed I slept for almost 2 hours.

usually I would wake up and have a brew with Oz but no can do and I am not enjoying fruit teas.

so I grabbed my picnic blanket and grabbed my rabbit and went and did 30mins of yoga outside

I then did a load of food prep. Did tonights salad - meant I could snack on stuff - I did Jack's lunch and I prepped tomorrows dinner cus I need to put it in the slow cooker tomorrow

Jack is late coming home cus its war hammer day at school, hes on his way home and should be back just after 6pm. so  i am just waiting round for him.

I have zero energy or brain power for anything. I really should start some art work tho. not sure what tho!

tomorrow is school

I hope I can manage it

my diet is making life so damn difficult. It was kinda nice to be back. I wanna try not work from home tho as I dont like working from home. I think Oz coped with us both going to work today XD

Id kill for a brew already

 Evening

I cleaned the bathroom and painted my nails and played okami in bed. But I had a bad headache and stomach pains. At 10pm I went to get a cuddle from Jack, he soon came off his game with Theo - not cus I asked him to - but because they both had enough. Jack had been hyperfixating as he does on games, his eyes were bloodshot from not blinking and he hadnt moved in 3 hours....

It took me til 11pm+ to get off to sleep cus I was in a bit of discomfort

I woke up at 8am, I honestly wanted to sleep in longer but I knew I had pulled pork to put in the slow cooker T^T so I got up. Jack had been up half hour, entertaining the bunny XD

I didnt quite know what to do with my day. I needed to cook meat as I didnt have any breakfast so I sat cooking my meat and Jack's bacon for his lunches.

I asked him what to do today and he said he had a few chores to do and maybe not to push myself to go out. So we didnt go out which I am a bit sad about but I didnt have the energy. Think its my diet. Already I badly miss tea and sugar T^T this is so difficult I hate it. I just want chocolate and other bad things I cant have >.>

I decided to distract myself by going to see my mummy. I opened her front door to find her getting ready to go out. But she soon took off her shoes when she saw me. She was just taking the dog a walk I mean my dad I walk. Dad saw me didnt say a word to me. I sat in the living room with them both, he still didnt look or talk to me. 

I went upstairs to see my brother and it was nice to talk to him, took some stuff from my bedroom to bring here. Dad came up and into my room still didnt say anything. He was wondering round the house waiting to go out like a dog holding its lead. So I told mum I would go as we wouldnt be able to sit and chat cus he wouldnt allow for it. So I left. He saw me leaving but didnt speak to me

I got back and was wondering for an hour why is he like this? hes nicer to his customers than me. Heck he speaks more to the postman! what have I done!? to not speak to me. so rude. I dont want him at my wedding if I get married. What would be the point?

I had lunch with Jack then went on my bed for a couple of hours, I just had no energy, bad headache and tummy ache.

I got up and didnt know what to do so asked Jack if we could go out for a walk in the sun and he kindly came with me ^^ I was tired after that. We came in and had fruit tea then Jack hung my new painting up in the living room. I am pleased with it, got something to look at on that wall finally.

we did dinner together as it was salad and always quicker with 2 people. Jack pitied me for how little I had on my dish but literally because I cant have anything else! It wont be long now til I am starving I know it wont....im only on day 2 give it time. Not sure what snack I will take to school tomorrow

I will go have a pamper in the bath now :) 

tomorrow

I am going school for the first time in over 3 weeks....last school day was 14th september...as 15th I worked from home and 16th I had off in lieu! 

I hope I cope ok. I will take plenty of breaks as I will need them. I hope I dont burn out after one day. i know I have lost a lot of my stamina from being poorly for weeks!