100g down

 Evening

Ahhhh what a week!!!

Monday I was off school sick I was still suffering massively with the stomach bug. I managed to attend the rest of the week with a huge struggle honestly. I think I am just about over it. After talking to staff about it it was amazing how many of us were off poorly with it! everyone said same thing that it takes like a week to go and had green poo. Awful bug

My brother was offered an interview for the DT technician job which is happening tomorrow at 9am!

I had a massage on friday which crippled me

I weighed my Ozwald this weekend, his first weigh in at Bunny Slimming World XD he lost 100g!!!! how good is that for week one!! But I know it will slow down. So he's gone from 3.1kg to 3kg. I am looking forward to him being in the 2kg section!!! Hopefully next week!

we went to get him some fancy hay today, his 1.5kg box of fancy Norfolk leaves arrived in the week and he likes it and likes making a mess with it. I have been going out everyday but Friday with him. Help him burn those calories

to be honest I have spent A LOT of time with him this week. I know first hand how  much diets SUCK and I know when I am distracted I dont feel the hunger as much so I have spent all my free time with him. Normally when I would do house jobs or art i spent with him, fussing him, playing with him, chilling with him. I am fully supporting his little diet and helping him through it. He has so much choice of food right now too!

I also lost more weight this week. I can tell my body has lost weight from even a month ago cus of the way my tummy and thighs look. I feel better in myself I have to say for losing some weight

tomorrow~

my brother is coming to school at 9am for his intense ass interview. He gets lunch! how long and intense is this freaking interview, jesus. No wonder hes terrified. I did go see the DT teacher and talk to him and he cant wait to meet my brother. I have a meeting at 10am with someone and Jack to discuss my health which is gonna be a HUGE waste of time but hey its time I dont have to work! jack has doctors so will be leaving school a bit earlier. Yeah a lot on tomorrow!

the rest of the week is ok

wednesday going out for a cup of tea with mum for her birthday

thursday is her birthday so I get to give her gifts

and thats it I think?

ahhh I took a real cute picture of Oz this week but forgot to upload it. Never mind

Massively body shamed

 Evening

It's been another week~

Last week I did wed-fri at school as we returned on wednesday. This week I did mon-weds at school, started to not feel good on weds, mum picked me up when I finished work. Thursday I worked from home doing online training, friday I had to day of sick

I have had a stomach bug. I wont go into details as it wasnt pretty. I can tell you this tho, I have lost weight! I still dont feel 100% and some foods when I eat feel like literal food poisoning. But I am on the mend! 

Friday Oz had the vets so no matter how I was feeling I needed to take my little boy for his vaccinations. The vet was really lovely but massively body shamed my baby!!!!

she commented on his chest, his bingo wings, his pouch on his tummy. My poor Oz!! She weighed him.....he's suppose to be 2kg, hes 3KG!!!!

we talked about his diet and I get where I am going wrong now, its amazing how little things have crept and just happened and when i think about his diet, he is a very loved and spoilt bun. We are killing him with kindness. 

so he is going on a diet. I let him off today tho as I wasnt sure if he was gonna feel a bit off due to his vaccination but hes been fine

hes got to have hardly any pellets per day

up to 3 pieces of fruit a week

plenty of hay and grass

currently, he gets unlimited supply of pellets (as I dont want him to have an empty dish I never want him to be hungry I didnt want to be cruel), he gets carrot slices twice a day, piece of fruit once a day, grass and hay, 2 treats

So we are going to be weighing out his pellets, no fruit, carrot slices will be a lot smaller, his treats will be dried fruit. I ordered 1kg of this fancy ass rummage leaf stuff yesterday.

I will make more of an effort to be outside with him to motivate him into moving instead of loafing.

I need to do this in order to prolong his life. I shouldnt have let it get this bad. I feel awful. Jack is on board with it all and will support me with his diet. I want to things well so he doesnt become unhappy

I must say tho he was such a good boy at the vets and co-operated and was just so well behaved. I was very proud. the vet had no other worries apart from his weight

Jack's treat cupboard on the other hand tho, guess who's self is who's. This is from christmas

today, I didnt have to do food shop as Jack kindly did it after school on friday cus I wasnt feeling up to it. Dad took the car for an MOT and that passed all fine so that was good.

My brother came over to apply for a job at my school! he got some feedback from his job this week and thought enough is enough and wants a new job and that DT technician job is still going at school so he wanted Jack's help in applying for it :) be weird if hes at school too. I wouldnt mind of course and I just want him to be happy. I would be fine if he decided it wasnt for him and didnt stay long. But his job does suck and take the pee

tomorrow

just cooking food, I hope I feel ok, Id like to see my weekend before i go back to school. 

next week, just another week at school and got massage on friday :)

Oz's 6th Birthday!

 It's 2023~

so what. Who cares. Its just the date changing. I never celebrate it. We might as well celebrate the first of each month, how is it any different? Pointless. 

Anyway we had our first week back at work, everyone said the same thing that it was hard work, tiring and that they were hungry XD we'd all had two weeks of stuffing our faces and eating when we like right? 

I found work quite hard work. Couldnt believe Id only done 3 mornings. Felt a lot more than that!!

It was a same old week apart from we have a new head of department. He's ok I guess. 

Yesterday marked a very special day

it was my loaf's 6th birthday!! I was so thrilled. 

I have had 4 buns

only my first bun Sky made it to 6

Kip made it to 2

Tiffin only lived to 1

Now my Oz has made it as far as Sky! I hope he over takes Sky!! You can do it my Ozwald~

We bought him a new grassy hay house thing as he had devoured his, and a willow grass ball.

He hopped straight into the house no hesitation as he's used to them and I think it was a sign he'd missed his and appreciated his gift. He didnt bother to so much as sniff the willow ball but I did find it later literally dismantled -____- maybe that one should have gone in his cage. It has made a lot of mess on the carpet but I am just happy he is pleased with his gifts ^^

I hate buying pet stuff like toys and treats and they end up not liking them.

I love my Oz so much tho, he is my life. My day revolves round that loaf. I take for granted how well behaved he is, I can leave him in the lounge alone and hes fine, for hours! He so affectionate and never aggressive hes just the best. Make it to 7 loaf!

I had a hair cut on Oz's  birthday and after that I went to mum's to go give Truffs a hair cut and bath both her and tilly as they were smelly little piglets. They look like baby pigs now so cute and fresh.

Apart from that its just been a normal weekend of shopping and cooking. Today has been a write off for me as I have had zero energy. Also a banging headache i was hyper aware of every sound, didnt want to talk to anyone. I laid on my bed for 2 hours in the quiet, played on my switch too. I didnt get done what I wanted to get done today anyway! I was gonna do some colouring in and make my mums birthday card but all well

we did solve the mystery of these god damn mini black flies round our house

we've had them a month now. They wont go no matter how many we squish. I tried to cut off food sources but noticed it made to difference as they dont seem to feed on human food. Theyre always round my plants and a couple have even died. Jack research and theyre Fungus Nats, they eat fungus and plant roots, living in soil. so its them who have killed my cacti off >.> death to them.

To try kill them you need to cover the soil layer so they cant lay eggs in the soil so I have ordered 2kg of salty stone pebble things today to cover my plants. Poor plants. I have killed 15 today tho. Literal genocide. The problem is getting out of hand. I hope the stones come soon

next week.

It is a normal school week. 

friday Oz will have his annual trip to the vets for his check up and his vaccination. It was last year he had the new version of the vaccine due to a new pathogen affecting buns in the last 2 years. It costs double the normal vaccine T^T but best to be safe. But since that vaccine he now gets randy and humps me - something he never used to do. I blame the vaccine XD messed with his hormones. 

can't believe its school again tomorrow T^T 

Last day of 2022

 I am alive, I can confirm this XD

I haven't been here since 21st Novemeber

if I am honest, I got fed up of it all. I got fed up of writing the same thing

"i'm tired" "I havent slept" "I ache" "fed up"

Its depressing and really brings home to me how I feel, how crap I feel and how restricted my life is because of my health. And when I am feeling exhausted, in pain and fed up, the last thing I wanna do is write about it! So I took a break, meaning to only be away for a week or 10 days but to be honest I got a taste for freedom. I enjoyed having that extra time in the evenings what I would usually use to write this, it can sometimes take up to half hour for me to do this and sometimes I would rather spend that time doing something more enjoyable.

I confessed to Jack I hadnt done my diary in 2 weeks, he suggested doing it at the end of each week not each day but even that felt like an ask. I decided I would leave it and just do a post at the end of this year to wrap the year up then 2023 I might do weekly diaries.

so I havent been up to a great deal this past month, I confirm I finished school without a sick day this half term so that was a nice achievement. I saw Mia's new forever home which is like a freaking mansion she has a mammoth project on her hands but I see the potential, my family dug up my drive so we can fit 2 cars on the drive, we had christmas together, we had asthma checks, just daily life really. I wasn't able to join in anything at school and friends with christmas and food cus of my diary but I did have 48 hours away from my diet on christmas eve and day. I stuffed my face with cake and chocolate, the sheer amount of calories those days was intense. and yes I did very much pay with my arse hole a couple of days later.....so much death.....

we have just ordered 6 months worth of this probiotic I have been taking as it seems to be the only thing working for my tummy. I cant rely and wait for NHS help. I am 99% sure that the problem with my stomach is that I am not making the right bacteria therefor acids are burning my linings. So I decided to research the best probiotics on the market. They were pricey but its actually been working. You dont mind paying if it flipping works. And jack kindly said he would go halves with me T^T so kind of him

tonight we have no plans - just the way I like it. Its 9pm and were gonna watch Yashahime together drinking hot chocolate then play scarlet and violet in bed together. Oh yeah the other day I completed the dex! I have never in my 20+ years playing pokemon, completed a dex. Never. But i have and i am so proud. Whats more is my brother bought pokemon

my brother bought pokemon. Those words dont go in the same sentence. He hasnt played pokemon since blue version when he was like 5 years old and too young to really understand it. Plus pokemon games were much harder in the day.

tomorrow, I am cleaning this house! it will be chore day! I have a lot of cooking to do also. Jack doesnt know it yet but he too will be cleaning. He wont be hungover anyway.

so lets review the year shall we

at the end of 2021 I said for 2022 I wanted to;

get more of my garden done

to work on biology GCSE

keep exercising - mainly weights

live well with my Jack and to continue strengthening our relationship

take better care of my self and be honest how I am really feeling

take more photos of myself to look back upon

so the garden, huge victory there. The victory credit mainly goes to mum and Jack if I am honest. those two worked solidly on that. I helped where I could but a lot of the time was banned from help cus of my health. But they have done a cracking job. I am so proud of my jack. He had such a tan by the end of summer!. We have a nicer looking garden that should be a lot easier to do in 2023 summer. Here's hoping we dont suffer 42c heat again....

biology GCSE....^^; eerrrmm I gave that one up. I ended up having that much time off work that I had missed too much and I got into my head that I didnt want to stay at school I didnt want to do science anymore so what was the point of it all. As much as I found it interesting, the science sadly wasnt coming natural to me. I had to study hard for things that most people already know. In the end I decided it wasnt worth the effort. I wasnt that bothered and would rather use the time for other things.

exercising, of course I exercise. God knows I exercise. I dont get away with it. And the guilt I feel for skipping a day! if I skip 2 days in a row man do I know about it! I have bought 2kg weights this year and my first kettle bell so I have been using them to try get stronger.

being with Jack. We still havent had a full on argument or any argument really. We work so well together and he takes such good care of me and I cant help but love and care for him. He did of course ask me to marry him by the waterfalls on October 19th ^^ he is the best

take better care of myself. Well this year I broke for the 3rd time. and after that 3rd time I confessed whilst sobbing to mum that if I was to burn out that badly again that I wouldnt have the strength to go on. That each time I burn out a piece of myself dies and I dont have enough strength to bring myself out of it a 4th time. That i would take my life. I only told Jack this a couple of weeks ago actually, he looked so sad and hurt and was disappointed I hadnt told him at the time that I would have taken my life. So going part time was the only way. I had a slow return to work after my break down and i liked working those hours so asked work if I could stay working part time and it was agreed. dont get me wrong it BURNS having to work part time. I hate it. I hate having to need this. But I also need to be fortunate that I am financially able to do this and I able physically able to work to. I hope to continue working like this

photos, god I suck at this one. Haven I taken one this year? are there any this year? god this is bad. I just hate looking at myself so much but I need to change this mindset. I have plenty of the loaf XD

so on the whole Id say I have done pretty well out of all those goals really.

big changes this year too was getting the whole house new windows, I gave up social media, we got a different car

what do I want out of 2023?

maybe I need to make more of effort with taking photos....

to live happily with my jack and support him through life~

do art and craft, I need to make that time for myself each and every day even if the work is rubbish. I need to do it for me and stop being a perfectionist. This year I lost out of doing a lot of art because I thought it would be rubbish and pointless whereas really, none of that  matters I should be doing art for me and not to go up in a gallery. Just chill out Jo!

I want to do up Jacks study, it needs properly sorting

be nice if I could decorate the lounge, maybe get patio door changed

go on a holiday even for 2 nights somewhere and make it somewhere new

keep up with my japanese but to enjoy it and learn it. I was the worried about falling out of the 'platinum league' on Duolingo that I was just the same lessons over and over again to earn quick lots of EXP and wasnt learning anything or even enjoying it. now I have fallen out of that league but actually improving 

think I will leave it at that

I will probably just be here weekly now as I stopped enjoying this, this was a chore. I am hoping weekly posts will be less chore-like

7th January is my baby boys 6th birthday. He is my world. I love him and will give him anything. I am so proud of him making it this far I hope hes 7 and becomes my longest living bun!!!!! Long live the loaf!

1 hour's sleep

 Evening

Last night was not good. Not only did Jack literally boot me out my bath, but I ended up not being able to stay up playing pokemon. Basically Jack urgently needed the toilet. So I was forced to get out early but better that than an accident! He spent a long time in there dying bless him. 

we went to play pokemon in bed, I had been looking forward to this time with my Jack but I couldnt keep my eyes open! I actually fell asleep before 10pm. I woke up at 11:30pm to Jack getting back into bed. I said "who dares disturb Jo's slumber" He said "I am so sorry, I didnt think I would wake you. I had bad upset stomach again" so this got my attention. I asked him if he would be ok going school tomorrow, he said he would not be going if his stomach was like this, which is fair.

then I asked "if you dont go, can I still work from home?"

he said "it wouldnt be ideal to be honest"

well that was it in, anxiety into overdrive. Dead worried about having to go into work without my Jack.

He fell asleep, I did not.

I was up

in pain and stressed (I got such a telling off this morning for not waking him up so he could comfort me)

by 3am I realised he hadnt been up to the toilet so I figured he was probably ok to go school. I decided to do my work! I was fed up of wasting the night away.  It was very clear to me I wouldnt be sleeping so I decided to do something productive. I sat doing my work til I had to wake Jack up at 6am

When he was awake I asked him "did you sleep ok?" he said "woke up a few times"

I said "and all those times you didnt realise I wasnt beside you?"

he said "why, where have you been?"

told him I hadnt been to bed since he got into bed from the toilet, that I was worried about school. Thats when Jo got a scolding.

I got Oz inside. There was a frost!! first frost >< bless him. He wasnt too bad and gave me plenty of licks. I had already had my breakfast several times through the night but I stayed up with Jack

when he left for work I went to bed thinking id sleep through til midday

no

course not

I was aching even then! how unfair is that!? only got another hour >.>

I felt drained of life when I got up

made some phone calls to get appointments booked

I did 30mins of yoga to try feel better but nope

I had lunch with mum, went to bed for another hour but still woke up aching like mad

I had a cup of tea with my loaf

then I have been in the kitchen making biscuits and dinner for tonight and Jack's lunch. Such a good house wife

I was late doing kitchen stuff as I had to die on the toilet really bad. Wasnt good. Thought I was gonna need a plumber XD

Dinner was good, just hope I get something out of it, please stomach digest food!

Not sure what I will do tonight. I wanted to do more of the wardrobe but we shall see. I am quite dead to be honest and i have a few days to do it yet

I look forward to playing pokemon in  bed with Jack later ^^

tomorrow

school, got a shed load of practicals to go back to from the sounds of it T^T please god I need sleep! 

2 bin liners full of clothes gone

 Evening

I had a bad night, the bed was like concrete then my head was a mess. Before I knew it I was up ti 2am.....I woke up at 10am!! again!!! my morning gone T^T

Jack was playing pokemon on the TV with Oz again. Luckily Jack got up at 8am so Oz was seen too.

I had to get straight into cooking near enough

had soooooo much to do

I made chicken meatballs, cooked them, cooked Jack's sausages for  his sandwich filling this week, cooked the marinated meat from yesterday which was 2 days worth of meals and my breakfast meat so it was 3 frying pans full....

I had soup to make also.

We had lunch and after lunch we went for a walk as it was sunny again so that was nice

Jack was getting his jobs done today. He sorted out his upstairs wardrobe. And actually threw stuff away. usually I have to tell him to part with things. It can be like working with a horder at times! But he did well. I threw out 2 bin liners full of clothes from my wardrobe and upstairs wardrobe

clothes I had been hanging on to for years simply cus I liked them, but when I held them up today I felt physically sickened by them. I thought "I do not want to be able to fit in them again" they were like childrens clothes! I know I had an eating disorder but yeesh I must have been skinny

other clothes I had held on to cus they looked good on but were anything but comfortable. I'm 30 now, I dont need this, I need comfort. Bring on the elasticated waists XD so they all went.

other stuff that didnt fit and just held on to

I felt cleansed. This is smallest amount of clothes I have owned in 15 years! I have a house now but own a small amount of clothes! I used to take up space in my mums wardrobes! I actually dont want to own that much again. Theres no need. its too much. 

I ran out of steam so I will finish the other stuff in my upstairs wardrobe this week. Cus I have a few bits in there now and my paints. Wont take too long, then next weekend that wardrobe can go! We have a wardrobe each in the bedroom and a wardrobe each upstairs. We are condensing to one upstairs. It did feel weird putting my stuff in Jack's wardrobe and bagging clothes up off the hangers. Felt like I was moving out again

I then sat in the living room, I was quite done in

I told Jack that anxiety about school has been upsetting my stomach today. I have decided to not go school tomorrow, to finish the display work I am so close to finishing! Takes the stress off me. 

I made dinner which was Nabe, never made it before. It was ok, not fussed on having it again really

tomorrow

working from home then I have cake/biscuit to make, wardrobe to sort. 

I have a few phonecalls to make as well.

cant remember if i uploaded this or not but birthday card I did for Jack's sister last month

Pokemon 24 hours in + new plant babies!!

 Evening

So last night I achieved a victory. I  have been promised plants for a few weeks now but we've been struggling to find any good ones. Not only that but we've really been having a problem with mould in this house and realised that a breed of plant we have actually helps with mould. So Jack said we could buy MORE. But we were struggling to find them too.

but yesterday in Morrisons I bought 1 huge mother 2 medium size ones (theyre the mould ones) then I found 2 cacti that were so cute and Jack said I COULD HAVE ALL OF THEM!!!! thats £40 worth of plants. It felt like christmas, seriously. I even found a green cushion with a rabbit on it in there!!! so yes this week's shop was a lillll expensive ^^; but it was all stuff we needed and said we would buy. I was so happy, especially as I had been having a rough time lately, it was a treat ^^

we came home and unpacked, got in pyjamas and at 8pm we began POKEMON!!!

we laid in bed playing pokemon, it was nice and what we had been waiting for

I gave in at 11pm, I ran out of concentration and my eyes were stinging. Jack said he stopped just after midnight. Id already fallen asleep. Oh we picked our starters I went for the grass cat I called it Spliffsy and Jack went for the duck. i got mine to evolve last night. I cant remember what Jack named his

This morning, I woke up and almost woke bolt upright literally not knowing what time or day it was. I think it was because when I opened my eyes it was LIGHT. Thats because it was 10am.....10am!!!! Jack wasnt in bed. He got up at 8:30am and was in the lounge with Oz playing pokemon. To me it looked like he had done an all nighter XD he hadnt tho.

So this morning Jack didnt bother having breakfast, I had a lil something to line my stomach for meds but I waited for lunch really

I cleaned Oz out, and then did a bit of weeding in the garden. I cleaned the bathroom, did mine and Jacks lunch. Jack hadnt left his seat still from pokemon. After lunch came the best bit

I laid everything out on the kitchen floor and made true mess...I set my laptop to watch anime on whilst for the next few hours I repotted many plants. In fact I ran out of pots and compost.....but its fine

I was nearing the end but I needed to move and Jack kindly said he would go a walk with me ^^

we got back and had a hot drink then I continued my plants whilst Jack continued yet more pokemon. He helped me clean up my mess cus it was a lot of mess. Then I made a banana cake then I made dinner. Jack broke off from pokemon to eat, went on it after he did the washing up but then I told him to go in the bath. After dinner I marinated meat for tomorrow too.

I am exhausted. I have achieved a lot with my day. I am glad my body is feeling up to doing everything. I just hope I havent over done it today. I wanted to keep the house running and let Jack play. If he wasnt with me he would be playing the game none stop, letting everything fall behind - house work, meals etc but with me around he can play and still function. The game means a lot to him  hes been waiting ages, counting the days. I wanted him to get his initial excitement out kinda thing. I know he would do his weekend chores at some point so I wasnt gonna lecture him and spoil his fun. I wanted him to do what he wanted which was sit for hours gaming. He has thanked me several times for everything and for being amazing, and also told me he will do chores tomorrow bless him

tonight I am gonna paint my nails and then play pokemon. I think I have done 3 hours and Jack had done like 12. Theo is REALLY FAR like I wonder if he has slept. Brandon says hes done 1 gym and is level 30! I am well far behind them all XD

tomorrow

I will be in that kitchen allllllllllllllllll morning. I have A LOT of cooking to do. then I might tackle clothes in my wardrobes, I need to have a BRUTAL clean out. But I will see how I am tomorrow, I hope I havent done too much today.

here is a christmas card I did for my brother~