Evening~~
I didn't sleep well
at 1am I was awoken by my phone making a noise
it was my brother sending me a video from Tokyo arsing around with a toilet -____-
this is what I have to deal with XD
but I love it really and love him
I was actually pretty grateful of him waking me as I was having a nightmare
I thought id actually wet myself I was that soaked in sweat
I couldnt have been asleep for anymore than 2 hours
laying still how the hell do i generate all that heat and sweat!?
i cant remember what the dream was
I got up and cleaned my girls out
with Oz nudging me and such
look at him
this is from the other day at night in my room
happy bunbun
anyway i went to then do a dance video
i was doing one lead by a man instead
jesus how much did that guy jump around!?
its cus he doesnt have boobs
i was tiring out pretty quick and luckily it was 20 minutes long
I went for a shower and got ready to go adams house
just as I went to leave my house my phone rang it was my brother calling
so me and mum spoke to him he seems to be doing well
i havent heard much about the trip but know hes eaten pizza flavoured crisps XD
I got to adams house for just after 11am
we went straight to the shops for lunch
we did a longer route than normal i couldnt be arsed but it was done
he was grouchy i have to say
not as bad as thursday but still a bit touchy
he was quick to swear which i know is a tell hes not himself
we ate lunch at his and then he wanted to book my little trip for my birthday
we are going to matlock and staying in a castle! its got a pool and breakfast is included
and its a total for 2 nights for the pair of us £122 that is amazing value
im waiting to find out what the catch is you know?
too good to be true
i was on his bed cuddled up in his quilt whilst he booked it
i was really cold and in need of sugar and pain killers
both of which were not available to me damn it
he went to give me affection but i didnt want it
just out right turned him down on that area
he said "something is bothering you"
i said "yeah but not sure what, its like i know theres an issue but i am unable to tell what the issue is and this is how i am at night its like im restless and something is wrong"
im not sure if its anxiety but ive felt like it past week like im off my game
i realise only now at 7pm that my emotions and feelings are pretty locked up thats whats causing issue ive locked myself down some how. im not feeling anything. past 3 times ive been with adam were theres normally a whole loads of emotions theres nothing but emptyness and i dont mean love and stuff cus even if i didnt love him any more id still feel that love and happiness of friendship im just not feeling anything. like ive gone numb again. i havent felt anything towards my pets ether im only just noticing that. how did i not realise any of this? how out of it have i been past week?
we came down stairs and i played on pokemon
then i went to do his mums nails shes got Pac Man nails they look quirky XD
then i sat in the living room with his dad and his mum
and i kid you not i literally sat there for a whole hour talking to them
adam barely engaged in the conversation as he was on his phone...
now i know guys of my generation have a thing about checking their phones a lot and i can let it slide for a bit but when it hits an hour mark i think thats just rude
so i turned to him when his parents left the room
"youve been on that a whole hour you know" he looked me
"why do i come to see you if youre just gonna be on that ive just been talking to your mum and dad for a hour and its not them ive come to see"
he put his phone down and went to cuddle me but i didnt want it
and his dinner was ready and i was happy to leave
i was feeling frustrated
in fact id had to hold my tongue a few times round him as i could have said some nasty hurtful things to him just cus i could and wanted to but stopped myself as thats not me
i got home and literally ranted to mum when i got home about how i was feeling
she says it sounded like i was hormonal but my problems lie deeper than just hormones
i told her that i could quite easily scrap tomorrow and not go swimming with him but i knew if i didnt go out that it would be a wasted day of me having my own pity party.
she said "id go as you will enjoy swimming and hes arranged it for you, you dont want to throw it in his face"
shes right i know she is
but i havent felt like ive wanted company for a week
i was even glad that i didnt have to see mia this week and that is not like me!
just not right obviously. i think the lack of sleep isnt helping matters
i got a txt from adam saying "sorry for being grouchy"
and he was he wasnt much fun
but i am not one to have ago as i can slip into grouchy moods often enough and with my mood swings and thoughts he must find it hard to read me at times. so i cant have a go at him for doing something so infrequently and its not even that bad ether, he was in a mood, we have moods
i havent txt him back as hes working and wouldnt see it til tonight anyway
after my rant with mum she said
"you seem to come back from adams house in a mood quite often now, especially on a saturday"
i said "i think its because we dont do much and i feel its a waste of time, i get hes got work and doesnt want to do much but sometimes it frustrates me especially when he sits on his phone"
she said "so why dont you go for less time so you dont let the frustration build up as its not doing you any favours"
its good idea, as the last thing i want is to get really annoyed and take it out on someone namely adam. to be honest thats something im worrying about tomorrow is if im still like this tomorrow will i end up biting his head off?
so yeah after all that i sat for 45mins colouring mum said i needed to do something i enjoy to help me unwind and cheer myself up. and it did help and mum followed up my colouring by making me omelet and baked beans woo!
im glad ive realised what my issue it
that ive had a numbing week
just dont know why its taken me so long to realise that
might tell mum later what the problem is
tonight not sure what i will do
dont need to do anymore exercise but i might as it helps gets stuff out my system
tomorrow i am meeting adam at the gym at 1pm i am going swimming and he is going gym then im going to his for a bath and staying at his house for dinner
i will try not to kill anyone
Konbanwa~~
I didnt sleep well
surprise surprise
I woke up at 2:45am
and got up just after 3am
I had a hot chocolate, cereal, pain killers - the usual
but my mind was wired I just didnt even feel tired
I did a lil bit of dancing with my ipod in my ears
then decided to do the job my dad had asked me to which was
to bake clay on the top of 2 car keys (yeah dont ask)
so i went into my room and quietly got my clay stuff out and started
doing that and by 5am they were out the oven and I was on my way to bed
my brother had messaged me at 4:50am saying he was in tokyo
he must have been travelling about 24 hours he said he was shattered
and couldnt wait for a shower
but at least he is there
not heard much from him today
guessing hes ok
So today I got ready in the morning then me and mum went to dunelm
picked up a few sales bits and a very cute canvas of a rabbit to go in the hall way
i will have to photograph it
we had lunch there and then we went for a walk by the canal
i popped into Currys on the way back to the car to look at ipods
im having a tough decision now as they sell Nanos which they dont seem to online
just the touch is available online so now i dont know whether i want a nano or a touch
need to talk to my brother which one is worth having
i like how small nanos are and i dont need the internet on it or a camera
so i dont think id use a touch to its potential
we got home and put the girls out
i had a brew and went to bed i couldnt stand to be awake any longer
i woke up at 4pm and looked at make up and hair tutorials but nothing stood out to me
i got some nail art ideas as i need to paint adams mum's nails tomorrow
she is going to have Pac Man nails then next week Scrabble nails
I uploaded a dance today which i did enjoy doing but i had a look at the past few dances and im really not a good dancer to the point where i wondered "why do i bother sharing my dancing" im really not good but then i havent watched any other youtubers dance i just watch the idol groups dance and theyres so neat and sharp and do it effortlessly
i feel like quitting at times but i do it for the exercise but im not sure why i bother uploading them. this isnt me having a pity party and wanted to be told im a good dancer, its just how i feel from watching myself
Tomorrow it is a a pretty normal saturday
my mum is going to go do her park run with the ladies
and so i am in charge of piggies and cleaning out
after i have cleaned out i will do a dance video i think
shower and go to adams and have lunch with him
i think we will book my Matlock holiday whilst im over
Here is a t-shirt I got in the post for a grand total of £5.20
i ordered it from china this week!! so fast and good quality im well impressed
there was so many designs but i liked the colours on this on and devil girl XD
Evening~
Man I have just been yoga and Karen wrecked us
so much for "its a slow session today of core and legs"
slow my arse!! jesus that woman is obsessed
you know the lesson is gonna be good when she comes to me
at the start telling me to go slow and that shes keeping an eye on me
anyway last night
I woke up to the sound of my brother getting ready to be taken
to uni by my dad
I shouted to him "see ya"
but in the end I was laying there so long listening that I ended up
needing to get up for pain killers so I saw him off in the end
I was shattered this morning as per usual
I managed a bit of dancing this morning mainly Angerme
didnt have the energy for a dance video but I knew I had yoga anyway
went for a shower then I sat and read and didnt do much basically
i finished off a drawing I did last night which took me 20mins
surprisingly quick even if it just is an outline
I ate lunch and waited for adam to turn up from work
we sat and played pokemon and lazed round
i felt so tired and i ended up relaxing! fancy that me relaxing!
It was the first time in days ive relaxed
ive been so tense, anxious and restless
think i might have nodded off a bit on adam
poor guy deals with a lot from me XD
He told me that this weekend at his gym is "bring a friend weekend"
so basically who ever he takes gets a free pass for the day
he said that I was welcome to go swimming
i thought "great free swim!"
but it turns out hes not swimming with me...>.>
hes going to be in the gym he says
i said "why cant i go gym too?"
he said "ive banned you from the gym after last time"
ok so maybe i did end up practically passed out for 3 hours afterwards
but what right did he have to ban me >.>
so im swimming by myself which im fine with to be honest
the only trouble is that gym doesnt have cubicles to get changed in
theres like 2 and its a big gym last time i was lucky enough to get a changing room
and i was like a ninja nun there not letting anyone see me even if it meant my
clothes getting wet from the shower
adam said i could have a bath at his house when i got there so i neednt put
myself through the changing room ordeal
i will still need to get changed from the swim suit but i can manage that quick im sure
something different to do and look forward to
we've agreed to go Matlock round my birthday
and i think we are gonna book it on saturday
when i next see him
Ive been given work at a local school for next thursday and friday morning :D
I brought a new eye liner to try
its soooooo thin its brilliant and it also comes off easily
no rubbing my eyes for an hour!
tomorrow ive got the day with mummy~
Evening~~
I didn't sleep too bad last night
but I was shattered and didnt colour as my eyes were stinging
just to keep them open
This morning I got up at 9am
to find mum had cleaned all the pets out!!!! jesus what time did she get up!?
so once again I havent been able to a job I can do
she moans no one helps her but how can you when you dont get the chance!?
i was grateful i was
she went out shopping
I put on another exercise/dance video which was 20mins longer
but wasnt as good or as fun as yesterday
it was learning a dance but the woman kept stopping and talking
annoys me why cant some people just get on with it
I finished and had a shower then got ready for the day
after lunch I went up to adams i wasnt in the mood
but then i wasnt in the mood to do anything really if im honest
so going up there at least i was doing something
I got up and we went straight to were the shops and cafe was
just for a walk and wonder
we got back for a brew and talked to his dad
then we started making up a cabinet adam had ordered online
it took 90mins shockingly
but it was a bit of a surreal experience for me
DIY was taking place but there was no stress, tension, swearing, aggression
and adams dad even let me use a screw driver a lot and educated me on using one would you believe, well if you have never done these things before how do you know whats best to do
then he let me use a hammer at the end to knock a few nails in
all of it was a total experience to me
my dad has never educated me on this kinda handiwork he simply doesnt have the patience whereas adams dad didnt pressure me or anything
it was such a different experience compared to what ive been brought up with
after the cabinet completion i offered to polish it for adam cus it has dust and bits on it from making it, he simply said "it doesnt need polishing"
"its ok I will do it for you if you go and get me a polish and duster"
after a bit of arguing he went and had to ask his dad where the polish was located...
seriously!? that boy does zero cleaning -_____-
I got my way and cleaned it and whilst I was at it I cleaned his room too as it was driving me mad seeing that dust piling up, he was not a happy bunny seriously.
yeah it was a side to him I had never seen before
hes usually so calm and easy going and he was actually annoyed, grouchy and stroppy!!!
I couldnt believe it and found it funny
I left shortly after as I needed to see pets
he later on sent a txt saying he hates showing that side of himself and hes sorry
nothing to be sorry for cus jesus im far worse than he is and im constantly changing moods so what i had to deal with today was nothing compared to what he has to deal with in me
besides i need to see all the sides to him
lets me get to know him better
i was trying my best to wind him up with it all tho XD
i got home and sat with millie and alice
then maisy
had dinner and now im with Oz who is happy bunny ^^
tomorrow not sure what im doing
i know i have yoga
i might do another video in the morning
big news tho
my dearest younger brother is leaving us at 3am
hes going with his University to Tokyo
and will be back wednesday
of course i am jealous!!!
Evening~~
I didn't sleep as per usual
I couldnt get off to sleep but it wasnt pain that was the issue
it was my head, jeez my head was busy
I couldnt stop it I tried to focus on something else to focus on my breath
anything but it was relentless and in the end I got up
had a hot choc and went back to bed at 1am
from there I woke up as usual
I got up and sat with my girls
then I got ready for my first ever dance/exercise video id found online
i chose a half hour one to do, start at the deep end as usual
and i enjoyed it, i turned the volume right down on the video and had my itunes playing so it was a lil weird dancing to a different tune but i could not being doing with all the american "wooos" and "youre doing great" cheesy crap
I completed the video all the way through without stopping
i sweating but i enjoyed it
i went for a shower then and got ready to meet adam
i sat and had my lunch with pinks
I met adam at the gym and picked him up
we went to his and played pokemon
but i went so cold even with the heating on
so i was in one of adams jacket, sitting on the floor in front of a radiator and drinking hot tea
eventually blood started circulating and i perked up a bit
i stop functioning when i get too cold i literally turn off and start to sleep
i didnt want to sleep
after i warmed through rather than get cold again i went into his room were its warmer than downstairs and sat on the bed with my legs in the sheets
we talked about my birthday and just other stuff
until i set off at 5pm to go chemist on the way home for my usual medication
got home and i have not stopped being restless
ive been pacing the house i think its an anxiety thing
i have a lot on my mind it would seem and i think im worrying about sleeping tonight as well
just very messy and noisy head
not sure how to destress it all out really
ive got Oz with me to try relax me and i will do some colouring tonight
not sure whether to watch a dvd or not
I knew adam could tell there was something up with me
but i just didnt know how to express what my problems were
and as much as i want to tell mum i feel she has enough to deal with without
knowing my mentalness
i did tell adam bits but i didnt go into all of it
talking about it makes me feel less normal as no one can relate to how i am
i feel alone with it
and dont want to trouble others
tomorrow i need to clean pets out
and i would like to try another exercise video as well in the morning
then might see adam might even see tara in the evening
here are my nails this week, bunnies for Oz's birthday!
Evening~~~
I did not sleep well
back ache makes sleeping uncomfortable big style
I kept waking to turn over and get comfy
mum woke me at 7:30am because as luck would have it
I had a massage booked for 9am with Karen!!!!
thank god man
I got to hers on time and told her how much my back killed
as it now felt like it was across the whole of my back where a bra would sit
and jesus her massaging that area was painful and crunchy
god knows what i have done it could have been anything
i did feel better after my massage and she amazingly remembered i wanted to
have ago with her Angel cards like I do every time I see her in the new year
last year predictions were spot on as were the year before
so this year my 3 cards were
Joy, which was to make sure i keep doing what I enjoy and love which will bring me happiness and i will be happy for others
One about past males, basically all the hurt I hold on to from past and present experiences and relationships with my dad has got to be let go and I need to move on its not my burden to carry its his i can fix myself and i dont need to worry about him. by doing so my relationship with adam should improve and strengthen - this card freaked me out how much it hit home
finally one about letting go, that i have to let my torment and hurt go and move on and to be happy i will achieve what i want to if i continue and be positive
so amazing cards and looks like its gonna be a good year :D
i imagine all the dad stuff and my burdens will be fixed when i start my psychotherapy
I got home and sat with a face pack on whilst I had my morning brew
I went for a shower
sat for a bit and went to bed
I put my girlies out for a trot outside they appreciated
and I went for a 20 minute walk
I got home and rang up the psychology department as im fed up of waiting quite frankly
and they said the guy who is gonna treat will ring back and he did
he gave me an appt of 23rd January
finally and appointment!!!
I emailed the agencies to let them know when i can work
I was in a bit of a bad mood this afternoon from 4pm
i had back pain flaring up, stomach pain for some reason and i didnt know what I felt like doing and all in all i became a little bit grouchy shall we say
yeah i bit mums and adam's head off -_____- I have since apologised
jeez im like the devil sometimes
I made my own dinner tonight i made pasta
and had some Oz cake afterwards
Oz enjoyed having his girls outside today
not sure what to do tonight i will do some colouring i know that much
but not sure whether to try a bit of dancing or do some drawing or watch DVD
unsure really I want to dance but unsure if thats gonna help my back or worsen it /:
i dont know much about back pain.
tomorrow might see adam
didnt see him today and probably good job given my mood and pain
Oh I got these in the post
Eye cream to try get rid of dark circles
and my new Etude House Eye shadows!!! I loved the 'wine party' one I had and seeing 'juice bar's colour I just really wanted a go, I'd love to have the 'sakura' one too but i know thats being greedy so i wont buy it....yet XD I have been dying to have ago with it since i got it last week but i keep sweating so much so theres no point in doing nice make-up for it just to become a mess and feel horrible and sweaty on my skin
Today I got up at 10:30am
can you believe that!? 10:30am!!!
Thats my morning gone!
I made a fuss of Ozwald and gave him his birthday present of banana flavoured popcorn
he loved it
Then I spent most of my morning making him a cake
Would you believe he actually loved the cake he wouldnt stop eating it! including the chocolate icing!!! he has such a sweet tooth but its his birthday
During the icing of the cake my back went
this isnt a normal thing for me, bones coming out of joint is a normal occurrence for me but for it to do it in my back is a new one
i cant tell you the pain i was in
in the end mum cracked my back by applying pressure to my back whilst i laid down
it cracked 3 times with one go
i felt better but it felt like it had shifted to the muscle next to it
she left with dad and i was home alone
and it went again
so i grabbed Oz and went to adams where he cracked my back a different way
it was a relief as i killed to drive there but once again the pain felt like it had shifted
I let Oz play round and he got loads of fuss
and my back went again i came home and mum had another go but it was adam who cracked it
I took 3 different pain killers, stretched and i did feel a lil better
we went to his house and walked up to the bar where his parents waited for us
i had a hot choc then we walked back to his i painted his mum's nails
i did a dog design for year of the dog
she loved them
i sat with adam
we had dinner
i sat and talked with them all then came home to share my cake with Oz
He's such a lovely little boy he truly is
and im so happy he's so socialable and happy
he loves his girls and everyone
i have fallen in love with him and i do hope and pray that
this is just one of many birthdays for him
as i currently write this he is laying down, feet out to the side beside my knees
as im on my knees typing this XD
