Evening all~~
And what a total waste of a day today has been
which exactly like last monday which surprised me
I just felt exhausted and mentally drained
once again I hadnt slept
I was aching like crazy in bed and I got up when my parents went to bed
i thought "sod it i will take two" instead of taking 1 pain killer
only when I had taken it did I remember I still had one left in my system from
earlier so I had overdosed a lil but I wasnt arsed
wasnt going to kill me
did make me feel off my head tho as im not used to taking 2 anymore
never mind 3 so I went to bed to conk out on there which I did
then I woke up in the night as per usual~
I havent done anything today like literally nothing
i went back to bed at 12pm
i just couldnt think my eyes felt tiny and sore
so i slept for 2 hour straight and i did feel more awake when i got up
but my body was still very sluggish
its taken til 6pm for energy to flow so i did a bit of dancing
i did some doodling today and i found an anime for me and Oz to watch later
apart from that ive done nothing
i did eat one of mum's homemade cookies
i knew i shouldnt but i wanted it as they arent that big and i hadnt eaten much
but i actually didnt enjoy it
so i know not to bother next time i will leave the rest for my brother to scoff XD
tomorrow I am hopefully seeing adam woo
be nice to have some company but i dont know what to do with him
i cant plan my day somehow
i got some more korean products in the post last week
i got a lavender face cream to make under the eyes brighter - which it does ive tried it!
and i got a orange lip crayon and its proper orange!!!
both im pleased with and i got for a good price with free samples
Evening~
I didn't sleep as usual
fed up so so fed up
I actually felt poorly this morning i really didnt feel good and thought
id have to cancel antony but i knew i couldnt do that to the guy
so i sucked it up and put on my big girl panties and got ready
I walked to the pub where we were meeting
i felt so dizzy walking i think its sheer fatigue
and i was thankful i had decided to walk not drive
I met antony and told him the pub door were shut
he showed me on facebook that it said it should have opened an hour ago
so we waited for adam
and then i said we'd walk to the cafe which thank god was open as i needed a brew
i hadnt had a morning brew
it was really lovely we sat talking and talking we all ate lunch
and he filled us in on his wedding the april
its so nice to see him so happy
we parted ways and i walked to my house with adam
we didnt stay too long as we went for a walk but i was so damn tired
adam wanted to go to a cafe and i didnt argue
he ordered me tea and i sat down for it saying he didnt need to as he paid for me
in the morning and had just paid again for me
he simply said "dont worry about it i could see you needed it"
"what do you mean i needed it?"
"just trust me Jo i can see you needed it"
later on he told me i look tired T^T
i must just look like a corpse 24/
and im sick of it
we went back to adams house
and i sat talking but i was aching aching and more aching like i have all sodding day
i have felt rotten all bloody day
i walked off having enough of sitting there
and found the energy to annoy him and followed me upstairs were i was literally tortured on his bed i hate being ticklish and how easy it is for him to get a reaction out of me!!!! its infuriating!!!
he only has to whisper something dirty/rude in my ear for me to ether make a noise or turn red or both!! and i cant do it back it doesnt work and he isnt ticklish ether
i went home for dinner i was offered dinner but was far too tired
came home and went straight to the toilet for 20mins jesus i had punishing stomach upset
just one thing after another today
i havent done much since then just 3 emails and checked a couple of things online
I finished Houseki no Kuni last night with Oz
all i can say is that it best have a season 2 otherwise that is another sucky anime
not sure what i will watch next actually
tomorrow not sure what im doing yet
millie had gunky eyes this morning so ive booked her in at the vets for tomorrow but her eyes cleared up the rest of today so i will see in the morning whether she needs to go or not
I made white lace kitty ear clips this week from a headband i brought on ebay for 99p
Evening~~
I did my nails last night woo
quite like em~
I was up at 4am tho
I ended up having cereal due to the fact I needed to take pain killers
and taking them on an empty stomach aint good
so of course this means i still havent slept
So today I got up and motivated to go clean pets out
and had a shower
then I set off to adams house I hadnt txted him all morning I figured Id
just turn up and surprise him and to my surprise i found him home alone too
but we didnt stay in long as we went to go get food
we went shops for food but i ate porridge for lunch as i didnt fancy other food
i have felt sick all day
after lunch i did his mum's nails she has got clouds this week
she was happy with em
we sat round then i was getting fidgety and achy so we went upstairs
but i just wanted to sleep and he wouldnt let me sleep and im glad he didnt but it didnt stop me from the time giving him attitude about it all
then i left as he had work
i came home and went on my laptop and applied for teaching assistant jobs
did some dinner and 20mins of dancing
tonight i plan on watching the final 2 episodes of Houseki no Kuni with Ozwald
tomorrow I am seeing a friend from school - antony
who has kindly invited me to his wedding and so i said id like to see him before that event!
were meeting at the pub at 11am but adam was on about going gym at that time
so i will give him the option of gym or antony i know full well he will come see antony with me
should be nice~
but then i dont know what to do after that
see how the day goes i guess
ok so my matlock trip
we stayed in an old castle which was very lovely honestly i have never stayed in anything like it and we had a double bed each (they were already put next to one another) it was nice to have room on the bed for a change. the room was lovely and had a bath which i made full use of!
we were in a part of the castle by ourselves literally no one else around so we had no one else to listen to. woohoo!
the view from outside our hotel/castle
when we left the car there we walked up to 'black rock' my god it was a walk and a half i tell you but it was good to do i guess as it killed time and black rock was amazing as per usual but i totally forgot that adam doesnt like heights such the good girlfriend i am -____- so i took photos of what it looked like over the cliff for him XD its strange seeing him afraid of something
from there we were able to check into the hotel and we rested before going to a pub called "the greyhound" and I had butternut squash risotto which was good actually
next day i drove to lumsdale falls as i LOVE that place its full of natural water falls
it gently snowed whilst we walked round which added to the magic of the place
i loved it and this was the day before my birthday
then we went to matlock for a quick look round and had lunch at 'the black cat cafe' that was a really lovely place, then we went to matlock bath were there was absoultely nothing open i know its not tourist season but jeez ghost town. luckily we found ONE cafe open and it did proper tea with tea leaves and home made cake jesus i was having a sugar fix it was bloody amazing i had chocolate orange cake adam had fudge cake
i drove back to the hotel for a rest and then for dinner we went to a pub in matlock called 'the red lion' i had to drive there in the snow going up steep hills in the dark! scary!
the food was amazing i ate so much i had lasagna ate far too much
the next day was my 26th birthday and when i woke up next to adam
he went to go give me my birthday present and gave me loads of affection too
then we left for home
matlock was really enjoyable - very cold - but i did enjoy it
next time we 'go away' will be april
we have our 1 year anniversary coming up and also antonys wedding in burton on trent
Evening~~
Last night was terrible
I was in so much pain that I was just weeping
I wasnt even actually crying just had tears leaking down my face
It was horrific I was just hurting so much
and then suddenly the penny dropped
i had binged on sugar...yup I had had a mega sugar fix yesterday
and I have began to notice that a lot sugar = awful pain
so at 11:30pm I vowed in my bed that I would stop having binges on sugar
and I would cut my daily in take
so today has been cold turkey and it has sucked big time!!!
cereal i snack on all day long seriously i do i love it
i keep cereal in business XD
so thats got to stop but for the record i dont eat sugary cereal
theres far worse and sinful on the market trust me!
but cereal will have to remain just for breakfast
i have cut my sugar in my tea to 1/2 tea spoon sugar
cutting out cakes, biscuits, chocolates all that
jesus its like going on a diet!!!! trouble is i dont even like crisps or pastries
to enjoy instead of sugar so life sucks
but after last night i just couldnt bare to do it to my self its not worth it
its really not, its pain i could prevent and to say i spend EVERY SINGLE DAY
in pain and i could prevent pain then im gonna do it!
its like drinking and having a hangover
and my hangover isnt worth it
today has been hard
i have not once gone for cereal i have had 2 cups of tea, a hot chocolate and a biscuit
so for day 1 thats not too criminal
but i will keep improving
the biscuit and hot chocolate were small tho for the record!
anyway enough about sugar its making me want a cereal fix
miss cereal all ready T^T
i had work today and i felt better about it today
i just got on with it really and finished at 12pm
there was cake in the staff room and usually when this happens i usually think
"oh my god free cake!!!" but today i saw it and thought straight back to myself weeping in pain in bed last night and so it repelled me from eating any
I came home and felt quite tired but made myself a salad and put girls out
i went for a half hour walk by myself
came home and showered
then just relaxed as best i could i played a whole 50mins on my DS!!
thats good for me trust me usually after 10mins ive had enough
I went to Nigel's for some acupuncture that mum MADE me go to >.>
didnt wanna go
i mean nigel is great needles on the other hand...
so i said to him
"smallest needles are needed today nigel"
he said "so the 0.06 thickness?"
"theryre the ones"
upon lying down he started putting them in and said
"these are the 0.21 needles"
"thats not what we agreed"
"yes but the 0.06 ones are too short"
"thats not problem" yes i challenge him i think XD
later he gave me massage and i didnt know massages could be so damn painful
but i can take pain i just endure it as ever since my illness i know that an extra pain will go very shortly unlike my persistent pain
so he was really pulling down with his thumb in my shoulder (yes its as painful as it sounds) and i eventually said "i dont think its gonna break"
he sniggered "im not trying to break it"
then he had his knee cap in my back bone and was pulling me back onto it by my shoulders and i said "i can be pulled more test me test me"
he laughed and said "this is certainly flexible" but didnt test me boooooo
I left feeling looser
and he has learned a new massage type but not qualified but feels id benefit as its a massage to help the nervous system which is a big issue with me its basically because of my nervous system that im in constant pain. he asked if i would be his guinea pig
so i agreed and booked in with him for wednesday
he then said "it could give you headaches and make you feel achy"
i said "you tell me this now after ive booked in with you and agreed to have it! thats not on!"
i dont mind nigel i can have a laugh with him now hes got used to me
ive had 27 sessions!! hes spent 27 hours with me!! more than a whole day!
this evening i am with my Ozwald
we are gonna watch anime which i have been doing with him past few days
and it has been such a long time since i have watched anime
i really got out of watching it
so lately its been Houseki no Kuni
quite into it actually found a trailer randomly on youtube and decided to give anime another go
i was getting so disappointed by anime that i stopped watching it
then im gonna do my nails
here was this weeks or last weeks...i forget
tomorrow I am seeing adam as per usual on a saturday
Konbanwa~~
Ahhh still not sleeping -_____-
nemuritai!
I must have fell asleep reading my kindle as i found it on the floor this morning!
how did I not hear it fall?
anyway I got up at 8am feeling like utter crap
hate those death like mornings
I went on my laptop for a lil while trying to put songs on my new ipod
my priority is Hello! Project groups ^^
I have managed to put some stuff on but I like to make playlists and theres
where lies the time that gets eaten up!
At 11:20am I was called up by the pain clinic telling me their internet was down
did i still want to come?
well considering I had turned down work to come to them today, yes, i was still bloody coming!
anyway why the hell do they need the internet? im the focus not google
yeesh
so I got there for my appt at 11:40am (yeah they rang just as i was leaving the house)
it was a nice place as far as therapy places go
and i was called through straight away by a middle aged woman
and i could have kissed her feet
finally a professional who knows their stuff!!!!!!!!!!!!!
honestly i learned more from her in 5 minutes than I have in the last 5 years in regards to my pain so i was taking in every word. She said to me "we will get you sorted and another appointment very soon as youre too young to be left like this" oh my god! she saw me as an actual person!
i was not used to this treatment!
I left with the information that I was going to be put into a therapy group as she said it shows to be the most effective way to treat those with my pain condition
i am to meet with the leader of the group 5th march to talk about which group i should start out of the 'active group' and i guess the not so active group
and to find out more about this group work
she told me that my fibromylgia that ive had since november 2010 has gone on for too long. it is my nervous system sending wrong signals to the brain. its telling the brain theres pain were there is no pain and it goes through my emotional centre in the brain so it pulls on mood. but because ive had this condition so long my brain has forgotten how to turn off these pain sensors and is on high alert at all times and thus causing needless endless pain. i need to learn to turn the volume down on the pain sensor as it were. so thats what i gotta learn
as with all my conditions there is no 'quick fix' or 'cure'
she also mentioned about changing my anti-depressiant but wanted my GP to talk to my psychologist before that happened. my god health professionals talking to one another!? really!?
this therapy centre truly was the twilight zone
anyway i came home and got lunch
i tell you i have nothing but ate today
sod the world
i went for a quick walk in the hope it would wake me up instead of wanting
to drop asleep
i went on my laptop, then did a bit of sewing then went yoga
god i wanted to fall asleep in yoga and thats not something im used to feeling
usually im loving it or knackered but not wanting to sleep
just that shattered i guess
going to the doctors next friday to hopefully get some sleeping tablets
on monday i went for my second psychology session
we talked about life and the devil that seems to reside in my head
and how i communicate with it, past experiences of what its been like
yeah it all makes me feel normal -___-
but my next appt is in 5 weeks time! so until then looks like i just gotta cope by myself!
tomorrow i have work just for the morning at a school i worked at last month
with two special needs kids
looking forward to working not looking forward to looking awake and happy for others.
but just the morning and first time i would have worked this month
woo £30 to survive off for the month!
wish i was normal and could work a normal 9-5 job
i brought some more korean make up to try its a brown mascara thats easy to remove as i have very sore and sensitive eyes from not sleeping
came with free samples!
I'm here
I just havent been in the mood to tackle my diary
i've had a lot of ups and down
its hard to know where im at some times
I will probably update with a deeper diary entry at some point
but for now im gonna leave it here
Just want to be normal
Its valentines day today
a stupid holiday by far
and me and adam said we were doing nothing for it
which we havent but he couldnt help but buy me flowers today
i let him off as id brought flowers for mum this week
but we didnt celebrate it or be all mushy
we aint like that
just a holiday retailers cash in on
tomorrow i am at the pain clinic for the first time
i went to psychology this week
he doesnt quite know whats up with me (makes you feel good doesnt it)
and i see him in 5 weeks time
until then gotta cope it looks like!
Evening~~~
I forgot to mention yesterday when I turned 26
so did Yaijima Maimi from C-ute
weird how we were born on the same day~
I miss C-ute T^T
Angerme is going to France this year and I would drool over tickets
If i was ever lucky enough to have some and go *0*
Anyway today
I slept kinda ok well it wasnt my worse night by far
I woke up at 7:30am and decided to get up and start the day
so I started with my piggies and had a lite breakfast
then went to go clean Oz out and I cant tell you how exciting he found it XD
Once I was left home alone I was able to reverse my new car on the drive way next to my old car so i could transfer stuff over easier
I hoovered my new car
used anti bacterial wipes on it (trust me about 1000 of these were needed)
polished the inside
cleaned the windows on the inside
washed the outside of the car
the car has been trashed if im honest
its had like 100 dogs in and STINKS of wet dog it really does
the back seats and flooring is really discoloured
every plastic trim is scratched to high heaven from dog claws
the outside has plenty of scratches on it
and its just worn everywhere it just hasnt been looked after
im hoping it will grow on me but right now it doesnt feel like an upgrade
it feels knackered and dirty its the smell as well
my old car was in great shape and didnt smell or anything
im struggling to let go and move onto dog battered car
i am grateful but then i wonder why i have to have this standard when my younger brother has a nice car and he too is on his 4th car and i have held my license 3 more years than him
i cant and wont complain to dad
i just hope it grows on me
after 2 hours of cleaning none stop i was spent
my god i was tired
i came in for lunch
then laid on my bed for a while
then me and mum went out to have a brew
we went to a garden centre that does tea with actual leaves not bags
so we had a pot of earl grey with sugar lumps
my god it was good
we came home and ate a slice of my birthday cake in the peace and quiet
then i think i went on my laptop for a lil while
then we went yoga which was good and i got to use my new mat too
my teacher commented on my new mat
tomorrow i have a fun filled day ahead!
in the morning me and my mum are going in to the city centre for a look round
were coming home at lunch time then im seeing adam
then getting ready for bowling and then dinner with adam mia rob
should be really good and the first time the 3 of them have met!
gonna be fun!!
then i get to sleep over at adams :D
I said id show what I got for my birthday so
firstly obviously the 'new' car from my parents
and a new Ipod gen6 in Pink :D which my brother spent an hour trying to sort out for me as my itunes was dated 2012 and the laptop had a fit when facing downloading new software! i dont like updates it means change XD
My brother brought me a case and screen protector for my ipod which i knew i needed and he fitted it for me
Adam's lovely gift of a pandora bracelet which the pictures dont do its beauty any justice its got thumper the bunny on it i dont think i want to add anything else to it i love it the way it is
adams parents brought me a yoga mat and so did my parents my parents brought me the green one and adams parents the grey one
tara brought me a load of nail varnish
karen brought me a t-shirt from japan and a cute fox brooch
fantastic gifts :D
