Otsukaresama deshita~~
I didnt sleep well despite taking 2 tablets
I was up til 2am
and I am very hungry by which time, I can hear my stomach chewing on it's self
mum woke me this morning before she went to work so I was up at 8:30am
sometimes wish I was working -___-
My morning consisted of
3 toilet trips
no breakfast
drinking a brew outside whilst watching my piglets
dancing for almost an hour
learning a dance from start to finish
recording a dance
completing that online form
researching what dances I wanna learn
showering
all done by 11am
by which time adam was just about up and leaving for the gym
I told him I was drawing and maybe sewing today
so later when he said "what do you wanna do today?" thinking he was seeing me
I said "well ive told you what im doing today"
he said "so youre not seeing me?"
I said "no because you may be happy to doss and do nothing all day but its not good enough for me I cant sit and waste my day i wanna crack on. and 9/10 lately i feel all we do is sit round and its boring"
He said "well youve got to doss some days you cant be doing stuff all day everyday"
i said "I know you cant be doing stuff all day and every day, as for me, just watch me" XD
and left him at that, he left me a text saying he loves me
its just dull you know? i know EXACTLY how it would have panned out today if i had seen cus it would have been just like any other Tuesday
we would have met after his 1 hour session in the gym, gone to his were his dad has the day off and just sit in the living room playing happy families. and im sick of that crap. its a waste of life. im sick of pleasing people and looking like court jester to their family. i want to do what i want to do.
so im doing is basically sod everyone.
i mean yes we COULD have gone out dont get me wrong there was nothing stopping us going out as it was sunny out and stuff. Just one little thing that annoys me with that is, well actually 2 things
1. I would be the one coming up with ideas on where to go what to do
2. I would be the one taking us and bringing us back in my car
sick of it.
So I did what I wanted to do
I got a fair bit of drawing done and designing done
I can't sew until I have received the lace in the post which shouldnt be too long now
I made myself salad for my dinner, so Im eating a different dinner to my family
I had the last portion of soup so ive got to make some for tomorrow
I am seeing my bestest sister tonight Mia I have plenty to tell her
I sat with my Ozwald
tomorrow looks like I will be popping to a few shops with mummy
as we need something for karen's birthday
and then I might do some more drawing i know adam will want to see me
but its whether i want to see him
I did txt him basically saying that we're two different people he is content to spend his days doing nothing but its not good enough for me, i will get annoyed at wasting my day and i will probably from there get annoyed at him so to stop me doing that we're best off doing different things now again. He says hes fine and understands
Oh and here's me I took a photo of myself on saturday i was in seifuku
Evening Evening~~
Mite Mite~~~~
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I have the ending!!!! Came in the post today
after 8 years of collecting I have the last book
I have been collecting since I was 18 and I was in college
I used to go on my lunch break to pick up the new copy
and since then just slowly been collecting and im so glad i can say i have the whole
series of Pandora Hearts as I love it!! DAISUKI!
brilliant series, the anime is alright but mangas just rule
so when i have finished reading Nura I will go to Pandora Hearts!
I have worked out that just 1 antidepressiant isnt enough to sedate me
as Im finding it hard to get off to sleep and to remain asleep
I had to get up like at 1:30am I still feel like pinks is in the living room
but I know shes not its kinda a habit to poke you head round the door
to see if she too is awake.
So this morning I had to get up
My stomach hurt and I was befriending the toilet then i went for a shower
and got ready to go into the city centre
I was early this morning so I popped into a couple of shops before I went to the agency
the agency building was massive but I was told they were out of interview rooms so would i like to conduct business in their office. So now Im in an office with 2 men
1 of which used to deal with me (but never met him) when he worked at a previous agency (that im still with) so it was good to actually see who it was who was speaking to me on the phone
I met the guy who was doing my interview
both were probably early 30s and we just laughed and joked through the whole thing
til one said "i promise you Jo we are a proper agency" XD
that was easy but they said ive got to the form online as they didnt have any paper copies to hand, so i said id do it when i got home. and i left
I then shopped for over an hour going all over the place
I did managed to pick up
2 x chokers for £2 each in the sales
some dried apple for mum and Oz for 90p
2 x pairs of joggers/jogging bottoms one for £8 (sale) £12.99 (non-sale)
I have been hunting for pajamas and joggers and I couldnt find pajamas they were rubbish
who, in April, wants to sleep in mini shorts and a vest/tank top!?
not me Im still sleeping with blankets!!!!
Well happy about the joggers tho as I only like wearing ones with writing on
hate plain ones
At lunch time I went to go meet adam at the bus stop i went to cut through a shop to get there
to find he was walking through to meet me!! strange how we think a like at times it really is
so we went for lunch, i picked a pub thinking they had soup on the menu
chigau! wrong! so i ended up having sweet chili noodles with chicken and veg
which hot but very nice
from there we went to his house, he invited me for a brew
but i could feel my stomach kicking in so i said i was gonna go home
i was home at 2:30pm and mum came home we caught up
I sat on my sewing machine and made her a little draw string bag shes been wanting
then i checked my mail for this form but i hadnt got it not even in my spam mail
so ive requested that
been looking at dances and other bits really
I made myself a salad seeing as i had nothing left in my stomach
im so damn hungry all the time!!!!
might do some dancing now, i mean ive done a lot of walking today but i enjoy
getting dancing out of my system
then i might draw if theres time
tomorrow
seeing adam maybe and then mia!
not seen my lovely sibling in ages!
GooD EveninG
I slept better last night taking 2 tablets
This morning I had stomach ache -_____- I couldnt face food
not after 2 toilet visits within 30mins of waking
so I didnt have anything apart from a brew
I did something I havent done in over 18months
I weighed myself
O:
Seeing how my body is at the moment I felt it might be wise
to keep a check on my weight...
So I was surprisingly cool about it cus I havent been weighing myself due to
the mental grief it gives me. Let's just say it starts a chain reaction of anorexic thoughts
thoughts that quite frankly I can live without
the scaled told me I weigh 9stone exactly which is roughly 57kg
that doesnt sound a lot but to me IT IS
for years during my illness I weighed between 8.4 - 8.6 stone 53kg - 54kg
and I was fine with myself then I was, well not 100% true I still had anorexic thoughts
but I tried not to act on them they were just kinda there constantly
when I was at my 'sickest' i weighed 7.12 stone which is 45kg...i looked sick and thin
but it was because i was so poorly not because i was starving myself
So finding out I weighed 9 stone wasn't as bad as I thought
finding out I had put on half a stone didnt hit me as hard as I thought
I KNEW I had put on weight I could see it on my body this last 6months and feel the change
so maybe thats why it didnt make me go crazy and want to live off water XD
This morning I spent it sorted out the downstairs ready for my parents to come home
i did a little bit of dancing also then showered and went on my laptop
lunch was soup, no bread T^T missing my carbs and cake and biscuits
I picked adam up and we went for a walk then went back to his house
I did his mum's nails, played okami, talked to his parents
his mum offered me cake and i turned it down but she cut me a piece to take home
i was sooooooo hungry truly i was
adam showed me a mini photo album he had and he must be about aged 2 or 3
and sweet and innocent looking, he said "now youve seen mine i gotta see yours"
sooooooo not happening for so many reason
the main reason being that i know for a fact some of pur family albums
have photos of me and my brother naked in the bath together -_____-
what was my mother thinking taking those damn photos
at least facebook wasnt invented and they were posted all over that!!
i will keep those photos very well hidden
I came back and i ate some cake and then had a salad and had a small piece of bread with it
cus my god i cant survive off veg alone
and it would seem i had literally ate poison as i was in the toilet and in pain
mum says if im still the same by friday ive gotta go doctors again T^T
she talked to me about how in whitby it was Goth Weekend
ive always wanted to see whitby goth weekend!!! i wanna go next year!
we then talked about holidays and i told her that today adams parents suggested that the 4 of us go france together and i didnt turn her down or even think about it. my goal this year is to go abroad and in truth im wondering if i will achieve it. i know im not gonna die on holiday but i need to enjoy it not suffer through it and right now im not right they mentioned going away in July
which isnt that long to get physically and mentally stronger is it
i feel a lot of people doubting me but wishing for me to go
people just want for me to be better and live a normal life and to enjoy myself
yeah it sucks being me sometimes
i will get there
i spent some of my evening getting all my documentation ready for tomorrow
as at 10am i am signing onto another teaching agency its in the city centre
so im gonna go there for an hour, shop round then adam is gonna meet me in town
we're gonna have lunch (soup and nothing but soup) then come home!
My nails this week 10 different designs~
Konbanwa~~~~
Ahhh I didn't sleep that well
I only took one tablet like the doctor suggested
but it didnt feel quite enough to knock me out
I think at 12:30pm I must have only just drifted off and then I heard a bang
I went downstairs my brother was there and said he'd knocked the calender
off the wall which was what bang, made a loud noise for a calender
I was up at this point so I got a hot choc and cereal and read for half hour
when i went to bed it took me til 2am to get off to sleep
my mind was very hard to still
so i might take 2 tablets tonight to settle it
So this morning I woke up at 8:45am
I did my pet duty and cleaned the girls out in the drizzling rain
sick of it raining its nothing but rained today, not heavy, but still rain
I got ready to go over and see adam about 11ish
originally i wasnt gonna eat at his house but when we went to get his food
he ordered me a chicken salad and asked for everything in it so i could pick round it
i thought it was a good idea
so thats what i did
and i did manage to talk to him later about whats been up with me mentally
and i talked to him about stuff that is bothering/concerning me about the relationship
he took it all well and told me several hundred times how he loves me and im his
i swear the day we part (if we part) it will be very hard
for him...
I came home at 3pm and I put my girls outside in the drizzling rain
because yesterday when I brought them in the hall they did bugger all
so i thought sod it they can have half hour outside
and they loved it! for a whole hour they stuck it out
i went to get them in
Millie dry-ish
Alice dry
Maisy wet
maisy must not understand why i put stuff out there to shelter under XD
shes been trying to rape millie and alice today shes been right annoying em
piggies get hormonal too every so often it seems
I did some dancing and I got 2 dances recorded and uploaded just 1 for now
shows my blond hair which im quite liking the colour of
i will never have barbie bleach hair ugh i cant stand that false look
I also got a birthday card for karen made i like the design to say i just randomly
thought of it and did it, best way with art sometimes.
Designed adams mum's nails as well shes gonna have lady birds on her nails this week
suddenly remembered at 8pm i hadnt designed em yet XD
I put the girls out for the second time, still Oz decided he wasnt gonna come out
i went to get them due to it starting raining (as yes it did stop at 8pm)
and who decided that when everyone has gone home and its raining again that he
suddenly wants to come out to play...Oz. dont get that rabbit at times
I had another shower but didnt wash my hair cus i'll do it in the morning
there was just no way i could go to bed sweaty
Tomorrow mummy and daddy come home~~
i think theyve been having an alright time
apparently room and weather isnt the best
theyll be home around lunch time im guessing as per usual
so my morning will consist of me sorting pets and cleaning up!
to be honest i have been staying on top of it as usual so shouldnt take me long
then get ready to see adam
but what we will do who knows! depends on weather i guess cus its been so bad last few days
im not gonna stop for dinner cus its usually around dinner time i start feeling the need to spend some quality one to one time with the bathroom. To be honest i havent been that bad today but then I did only take 1 tablet last night and yesterday lived off vegetables like i have done today
im soooooo hungry!!!!! i wanna eat like everything but i dont want the pain
im getting stomach ache now, its trying to sleep with stomach ache which is pain in the arse.
hopefully it will get better soon
tadaima~
Otsukaresama deshita~~
It was hard getting off to sleep last night
my stomach hurt big style im good at coping with pain but
there was no relief after hours of pain
and when I woke up I still had stomach pains!! not as strongly thank god
This morning I stayed out my parents way whilst they got ready for
their weekend to Whitby. Mum takes everything like literally everything
she knows nothing of packing lightly for a weekend XD
They left and I cracked on with my morning!
I have had a productive day of being left to my own devises
I finished my Ogata Haruna badge
I think it looks alright and is certainly different from the others sent in
I hope the person on the other end received it ok
turns out I didnt need any help with it! just that good you see XD
At this point I decided to get the girls in as this morning they went outside
but started raining at 10am and hasnt stopped since its now 7:30pm
so they came in the hall whilst I played with food
never get to play with food
so I made roasted vegetable soup something ive always wanted to have a stab at
I totally winged it, no recipe for me~~
and tasted good actually
No bread or anything, I have snacked on the odd biscuits and cereal but I was trying not eat too much
im missing my food but im looking at food and remembering the pain and 5000 toilet visits
After lunch I began another picture one im thinking of 'selling' but its all a work in process kinda thing im gonna get some opinions on my work and such.
I wanted a shower as i had to wait at least a day before i could wash my hair from dying it
but before i hopped in the shower i did some dancing
oh my god i sweated i was gonna record some dances but i looked soooooo sweaty
dont think people wanna see that!
after that i showered
got Oz in, made a brew and rang ed for almost and hour and a half
we talked about all sorts good to speak to him instead of messaging him
I made myself some dinner, by which i mean i cut up more vegetables and had a salad
ive eaten more veg than the guinea pigs today!
it was alright tho, then i went to do a bit more drawing
now im thinking of having a short dance to stretch out my back from being sat at my desk
ive also designed this weeks nails for myself so im gonna do those tonight woo
i like a productive day~~
tomorrow i have got my girlies to clean out
get ready and stuff and see adam
depending on how my stomach is of course and ive already warned him
i cant eat lunch with him tomorrow
he finishes work at 10:30pm and usually his parents pick him up
but theyre away tonight so he has to walk home which takes 50mins
in the past i have picked him up instead of his parents
but no one has said or asked and i havent offered so im not picking him up
might encourage him to take his damn driving test
yes i am that harsh
after he's done a 13 hour shift and its raining
Evening~~
I slept ok
ahhhhh its so nice to say those words
I did sleep although before I went to bed I had awful
stomach ache and when I went for 100th time to the toilet that night
I ended up passing blood...
Thats not normal even for me.
So I told mum and she told me to ring the doctors in the morning
Morning came and I rung up the doctors and got in (very surprisingly)
for today at 9:50am which I thought was great as I had karen at 11am
I got there for exactly 9:50am knowing the doctors are NEVER on time
and time went on. and on. and on. I was constantly the youngest in the waiting room
by about 50 years Id say
easily
and when the 1 hour mark hit
yes 1 hour I was sat there for
I rang my mum ranting down the phone that id been sat there a bloody hour and was gonna leave
she told me not to just leave and to ask the receptionist if id been missed
so i went to do that and got called in by a trainee doctor before i could speak to a receptionist
he asked "is it ok if i chat with you before the doctor sees you"
now at this point i didnt care if i looked like a bitch of not i was peeved to say the least
i replied "well as long as you make it quick i have been sat out there a whole hour"
he was quite taken back by my manner and said he'd be quick
ether way this stuck an extra 10mins on my time making it now 11am
the time i was suppose to be at karens..
i had in formed her id be late
so at 11am i was graced with the presence of my doctor!
he said "sorry about the wait, just mad today. Old people wanting me for everything"
i was gonna lace into him but i just wanted to get out
so i told him what was up
he said "ive got a stomach bug" i said "do you not think its a bit coincidental that i change to new tablets and my stomach is upset?" he was convinced it was a stomach bug id got and to "starve myself for 1 day" right ok thats a normal thing to do isnt it.
he just said that i was to take only 1 tablet and to give it another week
so i had waited over an hour to be told "give it another week" i was peeved
i could have ripped into anyone
I drove over to Karen's blasting out music in my car
i got there and she opened the door and i just said
"ahhhh karen de-stress me im sick of humans, sorry, people" she laughed and so did someone else...
her cleaner who is a customer of my dad....what must she think to that
i went on ranting and they were both laughing
I told her about yoga karen and she told me she saw her last week and shes lost almost 2 stones because she cant eat anything but fruit and veg as anything with fat in makes her throw up or be in bad pain. I couldnt believe it. i hope she gets better soon!
I had a massage and a good catch up then came home it was 1pm at this point
i left the house at 9:45am
seemed unreal
I rand mum and then adam to fill them in on the day
made myself a salad cus there was nothing else to eat really
then I went and did some drawing
i painted mum's nails
mum dyed my hair and im blond! not barbie blond but blond enough
when i washed the dye out the water was grey....i feared for what colour my hair now was
but upon drying it i really like it, its blond and i said id try blond this year
i kept sitting in the sun to bleach it naturally in stead of chemically
as my hair i seems to be UV sensitive XD
got an interview on monday for another agency cus im not getting a whole lot of work
so i thought id branch out
I got Ogata Haruna drawn up and the badge started
Its coming along but i need a photoshop hand from my brother
he liked my hair colour im wondering what he will dye his to next
i had a MASSIVE talk to mum about adam today
well not specifically adam but relationships and a bit of life in general
and i wasnt having a go or a moan just talking and its all stuff that has gone through both
our minds and i think im gonna have to talk to him about a few things this weekend
my stomach currently HURTS big time
it is painful and ive lived in that toilet tonight
the whole starve yourself idea sometimes appeals
me and mum didnt go yoga tonight because of me
no way was i doing yoga with this pain and stuff
sucks
tomorrow i plan to draw and sew woo
my parents are off to Whitby tomorrow for the weekend so im home on pet duty
I got in the post today
new joggers :D
Heavy Rotation eye brow mascara (which ive got mum using)
and japanese facial condition which i cant wait to have a go with!
Konbanwa~~~
I just about slept last night
I was cold. again. like zero circulation in this body currently
corpse girl, shikabane onna no ko!
I got woke up at 6am by cramp in my calf....seriously?
how does anyone get cramp in their sleep!?
then I woke up at 8am and got up
I spent my morning slowly getting used to the day
me and mum headed off for the city centre at 10am
what a waste of time that was
seriously we came away with nothing
total waste of time.
but i suppose it killed some time
my stomach was hurting tho I hadnt eaten anything apart from dry cereal and a hot choc
and had taken my medication on top of that.
When we got home I had soup and half a piece of bread
that was like drinking battery acid according to my stomach
I had txted adam to say "im home" he replied "i will walk down then"
talk about not giving me a sodding option
he had no idea what i was doing or wanting to do
and i said "if i see you i dont know what we will do"
i know its wrong to push others away but right now i am i need of my own company
so he turned up after lunch
perfect timing to see me with stomach ache
We didnt do anything all day from 1pm til 4:30pm
nothing
I walked away from him a few times not wanting his company or affection
i felt nothing towards him not even that much on a friendship level
just didnt need him there
the part of me that normally wants his love and affections felt squashed deep down inside me
i was happy to push him away he tried to give me kisses and told me i loved him
but kissing the one youre suppose to love and telling them you love with absolutely no feeling
is scary id say. but i didnt feel scared i felt hollow. knowing that it was all abnormal didnt scare me ether like i just didnt care.
not that i told anyone this
eventually he said "shall i go home?" i decided id take him home
upon taking him home in that short space of time it threw it down like hammered down
and id left Oz out but i felt he had enough sense to go home or failing to work that out he'd find shelter. Came home to find he was in the exact same spot id left him him.
wet.
very wet.
brain of britain that one
since then I have died on the toilet a few times
think ive been 5 times today fed up of wasting life in there
i get as tho i dont wanna eat. i thought id be safe with soup - a liquid - but clearly not
i did some more drawing
i moaned at mum how i was feeling
she offered me a hug which i turned down - i never turn that down
just didnt want it or sympathy
i told her i cant wait to see my psychologist to talk about my medication next month
i need help now, so we thought if i gave the psychologist a ring tomorrow and ask him if i can be referred now to a psychiatrist cus something has gotta change.
my GP knows squat about mental health i cant be bothered to waste my time in his room.
I did some dancing and got sweaty so i went for a shower
tomorrow I have got a massage which i know is gonna hurt as i can feel the tension
but it will be nice to see karen
im seeing both karen's tomorrow. i hope yoga karen hasnt lost anymore weight!
Oh and I ordered the final pandora heart once again
it was £3 more than what i paid last night but its new and in english!
cant wait for it to come!!!!
