To run or breathe city air?

Hoi~~

I didn't do my diary yesterday as I kinda ran outta time
and also didnt really want to do it!

I was left home alone yesterday which mum worried about
as she says it doesnt do me any good to be left alone
shes right I guess
But I got on with some painting and other bits and pieces
During the afternoon I hitched a lift from her and ran home
I ran through a local park on a bad hay fever day
running through the field home they were cutting the grass weren't they
course they were
safe to say i pegged it through there
my lungs and throat ached after my run for the rest of the day
it was that feeling when youve ran in the cold and its a burny ache
its just hay fever

My evening I went over to adams and we went out for a meal
at the pub were his parents met and me and adam re-met
we had a starter but luckily me and adam had a shared starter so i let him eat
the majority of it cus i still had my actual meal to go yet
the starter was different chickens
my main i picked potato fish pie
it was good

my behaviour last night...
it was like i was high
honestly what was i on!?
i was making the 3 of them laugh. a lot
not sure if they were laughing at my antics or just at me XD
we had all sorts of conversations and i was sharp and on it
yeah lots of laughs.
im pretty sure his parents must think im crazy they must do
We went back to his house were my behaviour didnt improve
my guess is its because i was alone all day and i had a lot 'play' time to make up XD
I came home later on and i fell asleep quickly as i hadnt slept very well

this morning i was woken at 5am with snot down my face
hay fever is delightful
it woke me regularly cus i couldnt breathe
until at 7:30 i thought "sod this" and got up
my eyes i was squinting they stunk, my face actually stunk and thats just skin
my hay fever was on fire
i was having drops in my eyes, blowing my nose constantly i was dunking my face in cold water, anything to help budge this hay fever fit
it was on TV that hay fever is gonna be high today and over the weekend
they were right

So i did some painting this morning
and im actually on the last stretch
just got to outline the big yellow cloud and its done
so it will be finished over this weekend! 

After lunch i went over to Mia's house
we talked and I almost very nearly told her about whats up with me
but i clammed up
i decided i didnt want her treating me different and if i get on medication then hopefully i might have full control of it all and she wont need to know
we booked manchester anyway
she paid for hotel i did train tickets and convention tickets
and me being and idiot spelt my email address wrong which means no tickets so ive had to email to try and get them sent to the correct email. such an idiot. i wont tell mia tho XD
so thats all sorted now~

I came home as i felt my concentration had wondered and i wasnt really listening anymore
she had stuff to do also
i came home and painted 
keep trying to see Oz but his hair makes me itch
im so so so sick of hayfever and this constant humidity
we dont usually get so much humid weather but its been relentless past week!
HATE IT!

Tonight Ive got to do a run i think
my yoga and dance has been on a back burner lately cus i dont feel that into them
im happy banging on my ipod and running 
mum is going to do a park run tomorrow one nether of us have done before
and i want to go but mum doesnt think i should go
cus basically adams parents have gone away tonight and i said id pick him up from work
then he says "stop over" and i kinda thought i would seeing as we havent been spending a lot of time together. but i didnt do a park run last week cus of rain and next week im in sheffield
i want to run
but hay fever is suppose to be bad tomorrow and park run is through a park obviously 
not only that but we think its gonna be busy due to our usual park run being closed for a festival
so we imagine a lot are gonna go to the next closest which is tomorrows
the paths are narrow so it could be crowded 
hay fever and crowds not looking good for me
but i want to run
my original idea was to drop adam off at work which is where the park and ride is for the city centre and to hide out in the city away from hay fever by myself
but i dont really need anything from the shops im simply giving myself some air to breathe 
dont know what to do
i really do want to run tho
it means not taking adam to work and getting up early
mum thinks i should stick to my idea of going to the city centre

i got a bit of time to think about what i want to do
just enjoy running 
i can see myself going XD

so tonight i get to pick adam up and have a sleep over~
he can deal with me XD

Got a 'bikini'

Evening~

I managed another run last night but only for 20 mins i wasnt feeling it
then I watched House with Oz in the evening and went to bed
I didn't sleep too badly
well if you dont count waking up regularly to blow my nose
sick of hay fever i really am sick of it
I got up for school

The school, the staff were lovely great staff
the kids ehhh I guess Ive known worse
we did P.E. and music!!! Oh my god subjects I never see!!
No english or maths to be seen!!
I was dismissed at 11:45am so an easy morning really

I came home and mum had prepared left over pasta for us both
it was good
then I waited and waited around for her to come shops with me
I was trying not to get annoyed

we only went TK MAXX but I picked up a fair bit, worth going
pair of pants reduced to £1
fluffy and I mean very fluffy boots (i know wrong time of year!) reduced from £50 to £10!!
pair of sandals for my abroad trip reduced to £12
a 'bikini' £16
I did not go in for holiday stuff, I went to kill time and to see if they had any korean beauty products in how they sometimes do. But mum said to try on a bikini to see if it would release some anxiety and i thought it was good idea. She picked one out I liked, tried on and brought!
The only one I tried on and I brought!
I wouldnt call it a bikini tho, more like a 2 piece swim suit
it has shorts for the bottom covered by a skirt so its a skirt with shorts underneath
no chance of me flashing anyone when bending over!
the top is literally a top and NOT a bra, its a halter neck so its secure and wont be falling down and my none-existent chest cant keep it up XD so i feel secure and dont feel on show or that im gonna be adjusting myself constantly ether and its just plain navy blue so I dont attract attention to myself!
i think  I will be fine in that.
the sandals were a good find, i do need some and my 'plan' was to have a pair of shoes I can run in, can get wet and dry quickly, I can wear all day long. I do not plan on taking pairs and pairs of shoes. I wanted what I called an 'omni-pair' XD
theyre white and black and will go with anything and fit my specification 
so I spent today's pay and i was worrying about money but i was telling myself "you have until now and October to earn money for all thats needed for this trip stop worrying!!"
Im not telling adam I have brought anything
dont wanna look keen or want him wanting to see them

we came back
and I literally got changed and went out for this look round a school
I will be honest this is what happened
I got the name of the school correct
did I go to the correct school?
no
no i did not
i am getting close to a mental break down i can feel it
im crumbling and today another chunk fell
i parked up, i walked to what i thought was the school i was going  to
go to reception and on the window it said "welcome to ....Primary school.."
my heart sank.
id gone to the wrong school
how had i managed such a thing?
i didnt have the number of the school to phone
and what would I say "oh sorry gotta cancel ive gone to a random school"
i didnt feel an idiot as i didnt make an idiot of myself
i wasnt disappointed that id probably screwed up that chance of getting in that school
i was more concerned about my mental health
yes hay fever is making me tired but i cant blame it on awful hay fever
i am genuinely losing my mind
i never screw up things like that
i had messed up and it worried me

i got home and i tried to dance to tune off from the crap afternoon
but i only managed 15mins due to my head telling me how crap i was at dancing and what the point of it all was
i went for a shower
mum came home and she asked how it went, course she would
i told her what happened. i could have lied and said "fine" but i dont lie
she was asking questions and i turned to her and said "i dont want to talk about it anymore"
that isnt like me
but inside deep deep inside i felt a part of myself was hurt, scared and maybe upset with myself
but it was so distant i could feel the pain of it, my eyes watered but that was it
usually id be in tears with worry and fear for whats going off in this head of mine
but something kinda numbed it, i didnt even 'feel' upset when my eyes watered
it was like something inside my wanted to express my emotion my frustration and fear
but it was squashed  

I didn't want to do anything I just had had enough
I drifted in and out of sleep for 45mins on the sofa
to give myself a break
had dinner but didnt want dinner but ate it like a robot anyway

after dinner i sat watching dances on my ipod until i motivated myself enough (god knows how) to have a go learning another dance one ive been dying to learn but i know its difficult but i set myself a challenge of it anyway and then i decided to do my diary which I almost didnt do today

tomorrow got nothing on apart from a meal in the evening
with adam's family as its his mum's birthday on friday
just going somewhere local so no city trip needed thank god
but hay fever is due to be very high next 3 days
what joy

think i will paint tomorrow i havent done any last 2 days

New school tomorrow morning = more holiday money

Otsukaresama Deshita~

I went to bed at 9pm last night
I had sat watching House with Oz for him to only pee on my already ruined carpet
which annoyed me as I had gone to the trouble at the weekend to clean my carpet
git
then I painted my nails
I d had enough, mentally so I went to bed
i slept not too bad 

I had school today
which was english and maths til lunch
the usual bore fest 
luckily a few children, the ones that need help, were away
so it made my life a lot easier but no less boring
I came home for lunch which mum had sorted for me
good old mummy
then went back to school
doing rainforest topic more like maths if you ask me cus it was graph work
fun

I went straight to adams from there for a brew
just talked for just over an hour with him and his dad
good to see him as im not seeing him tomorrow now
he's got work and so have i 
Ive got a new school to attend actually
just for the morning which suits me
its in the youngest class but hopefully they wont be too bad this close
to the end of the school year
in fact its 7 weeks til the summer holidays!

I came home and didnt do much before dinner to be honest
id like to go for a run tonight or think i aught to do one
i did zero exercise yesterday so i need to do something today for sure

So tomorrow I have got school til lunch
then coming home pleasing myself for the afternoon
then at 3:40pm I am booked in with a school for a look round i have applied to the school so its to help my application and i have realised i have actually had an interview at that school before and even had to sit and be part of a class for 45mins
i was in two minds whether to go or not but im not losing anything
so i will show willing and i will go

Added the crane and the moon

Yo~~

I slept like crap I really did

I went to bed early cus I'd had enough

to only wake up at 12pm and I was up til  2am then

just waking up regularly from there on -_______-

I was tired this morning and had missed calls on my phones

agencies

when will they ever learn to not ring me in the morning

So my morning I just painted mainly really

Overall today I got the crane finished and I added a moon

which is also finished

I could probably start the fox fire or sakura next

but I think it's starting to come together

The weather has been over cast and humid all day

meaning going outside is hell for my hay fever

it kicked off again last night as the damp night rolled in

hate it hate it

I had lunch and got a phone call from another agency

did I want to work at the usual school down the road tomorrow?

its a bit dull working one to one but work is work

and i want the money so i said Id do it

that meant that i had to cancel the look round visit i had booked in

with a school i have applied for

i rang the school up and told them id need to reschedule but they said

that tomorrow was the last day...typical. So  i opted to go earn £50 rather than go for what would probably have been a pointless 20min look round a school that probably would have nothing more to do with me.

then I went to karen's for a massage

i came out more crippled than what i went in with!

I told her, not that i was planning on, about my diagnosis 

she being an ex-NHS nurse couldnt understand why I was so opposed to the idea

of being on medication for my condition

i told her that im fed up of medication and the 1000 side effects they bring

she understood that but said that if she was me she'd try it

and i got where she was coming from

cus as of this moment right now i cant continue like this

and the psychologist is a waste of air

I got home and I talked to mum about what karen said about medication

mum couldnt agree more -_____- everyone wants me medicated it would seem

so I rang up the mental health team and asked if I could see the psychologist again

turns out he is off this week so I would have to wait for a phone call next week

to book in an appointment

guess it gives me more time to think about drugging myself up

I finished the painting for the day and went for a shower

i havent done any exercise today

and as much as i know it calms my busy head

i just cant face doing any

im on the go all damn day i decided to take a day off

easier said than done for me but my body hurts from massage and i dont want to make those

aches any worse 

see how i go tonight

so i have school in the morning for the whole school day

always feels like a long day there

but im grateful of the work 

then hopefully in the evening i can see mia so we can book the manchester trip for next month

pizza twice and added a moon

Evening~

I didn't sleep too bad and I got off pretty easily
I had eaten take away pizza with my family and my stomach and mind were set off
so I thought it was going to be a very different night.
Regret eating pizza but really I didnt eat that much of it

Today I woke up not knowing what the day would bring
I hadnt texted adam last night
and only by 10:30am did I decide to text him
I knew I wanted to see him but something inside me is wanting to push people away
especially those who are very close to me
Adam said he'd only just woke up but i could come up any time
so I got ready
I was up at his for 11:30am - took my time XD

He asked if i wanted to go anywhere and I said I didnt
I said I was happy here for a lil while 
then he decided he was gonna go shops for lunch so I got my shoes on and went with him
I didnt want to eat but got conned into it as when we got to the shops he said
"sod it were eating out" I pouted XD
he ordered a pizza type thing to share so that i could eat as little or as much as I wanted
I ate a bit but I havent been hungry lately

we went back to his and he asked if i wanted to talk upstairs
so I went upstairs with him
he asked about my appointments this week and I said I didnt want to talk about it
we talked about different things as he gave me affection, during which I felt nothing
just nothing, a true absence of feeling when I know there should be something
i feel almost robotic and soulless at times 
still i carried on as i didnt want to upset him 
that was until i just switched off
i describe it as being thrown to the bottom of a well
its lonely with just your thoughts to keep you company, you want out, but cant think how to even go about getting out of this dark lonely pit.
Adam noticed I had gone quiet and scratching myself
i scratch my arms when im 'stressed' or 'anxious' theyre getting in a bit of a state but im trying to heal them for when i go away this month
he asked what was wrong i told him i was fine
he went to make me a tea
he offered for me to stay for dinner but i told him no as i know im worse in the evenings

i decided to try and snap outta it
i needed out of the clothes i was in (weird to say in someone else's bedroom!) 
i thought we could walk to the park from my house so I could get changed, he could see Oz and we could book train tickets too
so thats what we did
and during the walk he told me to tell him about the appointments as he needs to understand and me not telling him is shutting him out and pushing him away
he's right
but i hate banging on about myself
i never want to look like im trying to get attention or enjoying the way i was
he kept pulling me back as he says i walk fast when in mid rant XD

we came back to my house sweating as it was so hot
and then booked train tickets
its official we are going Sheffield this 15th

then I went to his house to paint his mum's nails
shes got birthday themed nails as its her birthday on friday
shes invited me to come with them on thursday for a meal

i came home and i havent been too bad
did a bit of painting
decided i wanted to add a moon to the picture so ive painted the first coat of that
drawn the lines in pencil on the crane ready to paint tomorrow 

tomorrow just got karen for a massage at 1pm which i should
have had on thursday

in two minds whether or not to go for a run tonight its 8:15pm
last night i went for a run and my brother bumped into me and it made it easier having
him keep a pace with me 
but i can do it alone and it does help my head in the evening
just cant always be bothered to start but once im started im fine 

The last pain killer

Konbanwa

I didn't sleep well
hay fever 
then I was waking up every 2 hours for no real reason
me and mum got up at 7am to do park run
we had break fast, put guineas out
and by 7:30am it hammered it down
really bad rain
so we didnt go park run I was disappointed
but at the same time a lil relieved as I just couldnt breathe
humidity makes my hay fever so so much worse so does the rain for that matter
its been humid for 4 days now
been hell
I went back to bed I couldnt face the world

I got up at 10am
in a mood
just stuff isnt balanced in my head right now
i feel a bit helpless and not in control since my crappy appointment yesterday
im sure the psychologist thinks i make this stuff up
he doesnt take me seriously and gets pleasure out of getting a reaction out of me
hate going

I got up and I did a lil dancing but it was so damn hot and humid i gave up and showered
then I painted, i outlined the Kitsune (fox) 

I came back to painting later on in the day and did a design in the red cloud

after lunch I did a lil dancing as the humidity was trying to clear
mooched round a bit reading and just being in my own bubble

Then I got up and I couldnt be bothered to but knew I had to
I went for a run, I ran up a hill to be greeted by my brother on his BMX putting his middle finger up at me - both hands whilst riding XD
he decided to cycle along side me whilst I ran, having him there made it easier 
I came back and had a much needed shower
hate showering twice a day but i hate feeling dirty and sweaty more

Tomorrow not sure what I am doing as of yet
not really spoken to adam
not really wanted to

Last night I decided I'd come off my final pain killer
Pregabalin
I have officially been able to ditch Tramadol which is an amazing feeling
ive come off my antidepressiants
and now I feel its ready to let go of my final restraint 
i take 2 Pregabalin tablets a day so it shouldnt be too hard

Not really getting anywhere with mentalness

Evening

My evening was full of hay fever jesus was it bad
I was up watching tv with my parents as it wasnt like I could
read or fall asleep like that
dad put on 'league of gentlemen' a series ive heard of but never seen
ive seen the actors in other freaky things but that series took the biscuit
seriously messed up stuff that got plenty of reactions out of me XD

I eventually slept and got up early
and woke up with hay fever lovely hay fever to remind me its still there

My morning consisted of painted and mia
i went over to see her for 90mins which was nice
i told her a few bits like id booked my holiday and how im unsure on a...
bikini...such a controversial word in my books
i have never worn one
but standing next to a cool pool in my nunary one piece complete with shorts 
doesnt seem right...
mia said she will help with that when we go manchester next month
nice to have some help on a situation I am clueless about!

I came home and had some lunch
then went to psychology 
which was total and utter waste of time
i was losing focus i was getting so bored and fed up with that man's antics
he totally dismissed wednesday's diagnosis and i think its because hes so egotistical that the reason he dismissed it was because HE hadnt diagnosed it.
He did nothing to help
it was so useless and i came away annoyed and feeling quite helpless
im not seeing him now til 29th June...
Im thinking of when I next go to ask if I can see someone else cus this guy is winding me up

I came away and went for a walk  with mum
we went for ice cream
i tried to relax into it but i wasnt feeling right and hay fever was high

i got home and i painted again
went briefly on my laptop
and i havent done much else since really

tomorrow got another 5k to do at the park run
think ive got to drive this week as dad is robbing mum's car
i hope my legs arent like jelly afterwards!

im in a total mood right now
not happy with life
not sure how to rectify this mood issue