Evening
It took me til 12:30 to sleep
I came down for pain killers and hot chocolate
just couldnt get off to sleep my joints hurt
but i dont usually sleep well on a yoga night anyhow
woke up at 7am and refused to get up at that time so laid in til 8:15am
This morning I went shops with mum
didn't get anything really
I sorted out Tara's present for tonight
Then I cleaned the interior of my car as dad had taken it for an MOT this morning
the inside was dirty as predicted
This afternoon I sat and watched the program on channel 5
called i think it was 'my personalities and me'
that made me feel a little sick to my stomach
a program about split personality which is what i have
and listening to what these girls - my age all had to say
was a little sickening
just basically because without being rude, what they were saying was MENTAL
but its what I say... and thats what made me feel sick
as what they were saying is what I say...
and it all sounds mental it really does and it makes me realise in another
light that i have got a mental issue
i know that sounds strange but i think its cus it was my first experience
seeing others with this
very interesting
how some people let the personalities free and change between them
and others like my self chain up the personalities
didnt say how to cope with it or anything but good to see there are others out there
made me realise things i take as 'normal' like choosing food for instance
i watched as their personalities warred to have a say in what food to eat
and i have an internal debate on what to eat everytime i eat food and i never noticed
or shall i say, thought much of it
as its 'normal'' to me
very odd illness
i went for a walk with mum
as the weather is good today its nice and warm and felt soothing on my joints
did a bit of digital drawing and some japanese too
i wrote out some japanese last night so i was glad i did knuckle down and do some
tonight, well in 15 mins time im heading over to tara's never drove
up these particular roads before and im hoping i will be ok with it
taking satnav and my notes as i worry to pieces
but id like to see her
tomorrow not sure what im doing
mum is doing park run
shes asked why dont i just walk it but it feels to raw and a kick in the teeth to just walk it at the moment so im leaving it, i'll stay home
probably dance whilst shes out
my nails this week even tho i have sadly broke two right down T^T
uploaded a dance as well today
not sure what to do this weekend /:
i havent done any dancing today O:
feels odd
Evening~~
I slept well again~
must be something in that oil...
took me til about 11ish to drop off but thats still good
my parents were downstairs watching a program about
dissociative identity disorder (mum told me this morning)
and mum said that I should catch up and watch it
think it was on Channel 5
This morning my hairdresser rang to say shes gonna be late
due to a funereal so could I come 11:30am
didnt matter to me really
so I got on and started sewing the Flareon plush
did some dancing for half hour, showered and went for my hair cut
she was running behind so i was gone for longer
i came back and had lunch
continued doing the plush til i got it finished
took photos of them together
i like them and thats tara's birthday present finished now
at 2:45pm I left the house to park up in a park near adam's house
i walked through the park, sat in a cafe and had an earl grey tea
did some doodling in my book whilst i sat and enjoyed my tea
then i walked down to the Chiropractor
she was late as my parents say shes ALWAYS late so i wasnt shocked
she examined me and tested my muscle movement and strength
she said on the scale of hyper mobility with 9 being the severe she
says she believes im at a 7
she also said that i am weak in areas which i know cus i can feel it
she also said that i am tense in other parts which again i know
she feels she can help and will need at least 4 sessions
the aim of it being that i will be able to strengthen areas
and wont need to crack my joints
i couldnt believe that one..not needing to crack my joint! seriously!?
i walked back through the park to my car
and came home to tell mum about what she said
mum thinks i should have the treatment even if it is expensive
but the chiropractor also said she might be able to get me running safely again!!
so theres hope and i think mum wants me to pursue that
shes gonna talk to dad tonight
then i had yoga which was good and a bit of a killer
my face is so sore and red lately
did a face pack last week its brought out so much acne its unreal and now
it just have red and dry splotches round my face i hate it
so im currently writing this with a face scrub sitting on my face!
tomorrow is unsure at the moment as both me and mum
have the day free so we might do something together and we may not
and i may see tara and i may not!
didnt see adam today
he said he was in a mood and wanted to be left to it
so i did
i still did everything i wanted to do today even without him so i aint arsed
wont see him til sunday if i choose to see him sunday
these are my children's japanese learning books from japan
from their store Daiso
look how hard they look! challenge accepted! not that i did any japanese today!
Evening~~
I went for a walk with adam around 7:45pm last night
we just went round his neighbourhood and through a park
it was good and got me out
i was very hyper tho
I had a couple of moments were I thought I saw stuff
a shadow
then a moth
adam laughed when i flinched and he said "its a branch"
i said "No there was a moth it was big too"
he said "there was no moth Jo"....ah
yeah i have these moments it would seem
I must say i believe i have made a bit of a discovery tho
these last few months
i feel a strong loneliness every night
like every night without fail
and i think i understand why
i think what im feeling is my other personality's feeling
shes more awake at night (like being a werewolf, i change at night XD)
and shes lonely it would seem
she just wants to play, almost like a child
she needs stimulation but not from me
from others
when i go out in the evening im so hyper and i feel less pain
because she comes through more
last night i kinda realised that
that i might not be the one who is lonely its her
and the mood and feeling totally changes once there is stimulation
i was hyper as usual last night, and adam always says "youre in a hyper mood"
hes noticed im like high at night
but ive never said why
ive mentioned that 'she' is stronger at night but it was only like this morning
i realised all this and the reasons behind it
maybe she just wants friends who knows
dont think i'll ever understand it
took me a while to get off to sleep last night
as winding down was hard
calming her down is hard
she'll party for the rest of the night given the choice XD
i fell asleep just after 11pm so wasnt bad
I woke up at 7:30am
i felt like id been run over by a car
i was crippled
I still danced tho, no further with dances just trying to practice really
showered then drove 20mins away to the shops
got what i needed and came away
i was home after an hour~~
I start making a plushie for Tara
I have finished one the Umbreon just got Flareon to do and her present is finished
I txted adam to see if he wanted to go a walk
so we did and then i sat at his for half hour, came home for my dinner
which i just made myself cheese on toast
must say with the sheer amount of food and fat thoughts lately, food isnt cutting it
almost like the taste is dulled like im not suppose to enjoy food
i did feel hungry today but in a weird way that was easier to cope with
than the mental thoughts about food
i did 10 mins of dancing tonight, nothing amazing just calorie burning really
then i made tara a birthday card, did a pikachu styled one~
hopefully if i do see her friday i can give everything to her then!
be good to get it all done
i havent done any japanese today as i just havent had chance but i might go through
hiragana and katakana just so i feel i ve done something
my japanese books came today!!
they are childrens books and they look hard!!!
i will get there :)
I read Pandora Hearts final volume today!!!
after all these years I finally finally know how it ends
and it was a weird ending but the whole series is weird
one that i will have to read and re-read to understand
as i will admit i didnt fully understand the ending but good to read/see it anyway
tomorrow i have hair cut at 10am!! finally!
cant see for my fringe!
and then at 4pm I am having a consultation with my parent's chiropractor to see if anything can be done about my joints
and then i have karen for yoga
during the day i will be doing the Flareon plush
Oh here's the final part of Adam's present finished
this is part 2 so to speak and its finished i had such fun melting those crayons
Evening~~~~~~
I slept well again
having strange dreams but i like that, keeps me interested and asleep~
woke up at 8am
got ready to go into derby with mum
derby was full of people
just annoying people or humans as i call them XD
I got fabric, granted it wasnt what i had in mind but
i feel it will do
didnt get anything else really
found my mum hard work
almost felt like i didnt want to look round places with her
as i could tell she wasnt enjoying it
so just came back but i was happy to come back
id had enough of noise and humans
took us a while to get back home
we did stop for a brew in derby but didnt eat
lunch til 2pm at home
didnt want to eat out, it would have been disappointing and on
my mind for the rest of the day = not worth it
at home i rested for a bit
i hurt my joints hurt
i wore compression socks today and they did add support if im honest
i sat and read vol23 of pandora hearts
last one tomorrow!
i cut fabric out that i brought today
literally just had enough of some of it!
but should be good when its all finished
i finished the present off im making for adam for his birthday
its done and dusted now
ive photographed it
but here's the image in the centre of the art work this is part 1
i will upload the finished piece soon
i had much fun doing it ^^
speaking of adam tonight im going for a walk with him
as we were both gonna do a walk anyway and i thought
we might as well go together really
so gonna go do that
beats another long lonely evening
tomorrow i may go to some shops that are 20 mins away
as i want a couple of pieces
not urgent so may or may not go
depends how i feel
if not i shall sew these plushies i have cut out
and maybe see adam if he's not crippled after his physio session
his back and hip are bad like you can see its bad
ive offered him a hip replacement for his birthday next month
he didnt seem impressed for some reason :/
i hope i sleep again tonight!
see if theres something to these oils~
Evening~~
Last night at 8pm mum went for a walk round the neighbour hood with me
it was nice i enjoyed it
enjoyed her company and being out in the evening
evenings are long and lonely
every night and evening is the same, im by myself even tho im in the family
home i feel alone
i guess most people spend it with their other half or something
but i just dont /:
its sad
so last night i tried some of the oil i made at karens thing
didnt take me long to drop off and i had vivid dreams
i woke up in the night to get comfortable again and then drifted off
woke up 8am and felt like id had a deep sleep but i couldnt wake
cus id taken Calms as well
bugger those Calms tablets are
not gonna bother with them tonight i'll just use the oil
put it to the test to see if last night was fluke
i had a slow morning of not showering or dressing til 11am!
in the mean time i printed out some templates of some plushies
i want to make for birthday presents but soon realised the fabric
i was gonna use isnt gonna have the desired affect i want
so i left that and danced but ive not had energy all day and my joints hurt
mum let me feel her knee joint when she moves her leg so i could compare it
with my own as mine you can really feel
she felt mine and it made her feel sick XD
yeah i have an issue that i cant wait to get sorted
i had lunch whilst being home alone which was nice
and then i quietly read manga
got 2 more books to read of pandora hearts!!
cant believe ive been collecting since my college days of being 17 years old
and i finally as a 26 year old find out the ending XD
i did some more dancing
did yosakoi mainly as i had a quiet house
but my body hurts from all the dancing
still think im fat and over weight despite all the dancing i have done
done some yoga also
stitched a design onto a hoodie i had
seeing as i couldnt do the plushies thought id sew that
designed some nail art to do for mine and adam's mum's nails
just cus i wanted to do a doodle
tried to play my zelda game even though ive only done 1 hour on it months ago
i couldnt understand where to go next so i think ive got to start it again
and make a better start of it XD
just not that into games right now but i want to be!
tomorrow mum has rearranged her work shift so she can come Derby with me
i didnt ask her and i was fine going by myself but she wanted to come
so yeah we're doing that tomorrow
as basically i want fabric for these plushies
fabric i cant get round these parts or pay the earth online
should be a nice morning with my mummy
then not sure rest of the day
might go for another walk tonight
do some japanese in a few mins
my nails this week~
Konbanwa
I didn't sleep well last night
woke up at 3:30am as joints didnt feel right
was awake and got up til 6:30am when i fell asleep again
id taken Calms so I wouldnt wake early but cus i didnt fall asleep til 6:30am
i ended up laying in til 9:15 0.0
doesnt usually happen
i dont usually lay in past the 7am hour ><
but i guess there was nothing much to get up for
not like I can go for a run >.>
it was a txt message from adam that woke me
he was awake before me! he was awake before 11am on a sunday!
two shocking revelations
I didnt do a lot in the morning
i sat and did a test the agency sent me i have to do each year about child protection took me an hour it had the most poorly written multiple choice questions ever and i thought "im failing this" as i needed 90% to pass.
turns out i got 24/25 so yeah i passed
somehow
wasnt going to see adam but i could he really wanted me to go up
so i did kinda thing
we didnt do anything
it has nothing but rained all day here
so its not like we could go out anywhere really
but i was bored we just did NOTHING
most i did was eat a biscuit and do his mum's nails
that was it
so as soon as 3pm came round i was off
id only been there 2 and half hours but it was enough
i came home had a brew with Oz who hasnt once been outside today
given him the option by opening up his cage but hes done bugger all
so i sat with him then me and mum went to Karen's yoga room
but to have a session on 'Doterra' essential oils
it was an hours class but it went so fast
major information overload but didnt expect anything less from Karen
we made up a little oil each to take home
mine is for relaxation and sleep so im gonna give it ago tonight and see it works
we came back and even tho it was still raining i said to mum i would BBQ
the meat she had prepared
so yeah didnt mind doing that
dad stood round but never spoke a word to me
as is our relationship it would seem
did some japanese
ive nailed Katakana and Hiragana I do believe so i will move onto proper learning
now i wanted to get those done as i knew most of them, i could read all of them but it was remembering how to write all of them. but done now
i do believe theres 92 in all to remember 0.0
gonna read manga tonight like i have been doing
not much more to go!
tomorrow totally unsure what im doing
might start some pokemon plushies ive got to get done for friday
here is the picture i drew in 20 mins the other day
Evening~~
I had a bad evening
I was low a lot yesterday
after my shower in the evening
i just felt so crap about life and asked myself the question
"why do i keep going?"
im not 100% sure if im honest
i had thoughts about how dull life is, where is life heading, what do i want from life
and the one that scares me
would i feel better if i self harmed or just killed myself?
hurting myself isnt something i want to do or have done
but that thought does keep cropping up
i think its cus i get in such a low state i dont know what to do
id almost try anyway
mum found me crying on my bed at 9:30pm
she listened
i didnt want to tell her if im honest
she deals with enough as it is
but she listened
and said the words "life if what you make of it, if you need to be in a different country or do something totally different with your life then thats fine you do it"
'life is what you make of it' huh
its true
but it boils down to that trouble i have
that everything falls on MY shoulders
everything is up to ME
no one can help or be with me
its always down to ME and me ALONE
alone, loneliness..
i told mum im lonely. a lot...
i spend a lot of time alone, my own company, with my thoughts and illnesses
i have no one who truly gets it and can help steer me
my friends are all shacked up with their other halves
they have all moved out and happy spending their time at work then evening and weekends with their partners and i get it i do, life is different from when youre a kid and you go see friends whenever and friends have less responsibilities as they dont have a house to run
i do understand
doesnt mean i have to like it
im alone in the evenings, why do i at 26 sit alone in the evenings?
arent other 26 year olds out and about? or with company?
so confused with life
i dont know what i want anymore im not sure what the right direction is
and until i have that figured out i have no direction to go into
i dont like not having a direction, a goal
i got Oz out and sat with him
then i went to bed practically crying myself to sleep
i woke up at 8am
not doing park run...real kick in the teeth
i cleaned my pets out then i danced
i do feel my dancing is slowly getting there
also my joints feel better, not perfect, but are healing
as the start of the week i struggled doing some dance moves but they felt better today
i showered then got my quilt out
basically spent quilt a few hours working on my quilt today
had another dance session in between time to stretch out
then i finished my quilt, done and dusted
so nearly 100 hours since i started here it is~~~~
its so quirky i love it!
its taken the spot my anime quilt had
the change of scenery is refreshing
im pleased with it and keep looking at it XD
i was sure to have a brew when i finished!
i got in my car and drove down to the river and walked along
side the river for half hour
didnt listen to music listened to nature
i just needed to get out the house
remind myself i am in fact alive
i came home and did myself a facial
toner
foam wash
face scrub for 15 mins
self heating face pack for 15 mins
showered~
then made myself dinner as my family
is having take away pizza and i really dont want that
dont want the food or the anorexic thoughts that come with eating the pizza
cant cope with thoughts lately
not wanted food past two days ether
sat and read manga on my bed
i read pandora hearts volume 20
4 more to go!!! 4 more til i find out how this amazing story ends!!
anime has nothing on the manga as usual
might run through my hiragana and katakana tonight
and sit with my Ozwald
mum didnt do park run today
she was entered into a race with her friends that didnt start til 5pm
she managed it :) 5 miles shes done well
tomorrow not sure what im doing yet
guess it depends how i am
got a workshop karen is doing at 4pm
