Went to Antony's

Evening

I didn't sleep well
I was up til gone 1am as I was aching
just aching aching aching
then I woke up loads too
I eventually woke up at 8:30am shattered 

My parents were off to the airport to help relieve some of my mums
anxiety about going abroad next month
she felt if she saw the airport it might help
i wondered if i too would benefit
so i jumped ship and travelled too
cant say it was exciting or helped but i guess ive seen and been
and hopefully it will help come the day if or when i go

I came home and got ready to go to Antony''s house
I just stuck joggers and jumper on really
then I had a big lunch of leftover pasta 
too much there
i ate it whilst watching Nastume

I left for Antony's house and took me a good half hour drive
i just put music on and got on with it really
I pulled up and antony answered the door to me
joy was upstairs getting changed 

it was good to see them both
as last time i saw them was April for their wedding
walking into their house their front room was decorated with stuff from the wedding
made me second guess how long it had been since the day
to say it has been almost 6 months i was surprised to see stuff still up

so we sat talking for a bit
i was slowly getting colder and colder
their house was cold and almost damp
kinda feels like how adam's house does
i guess it was an old terraced house
in the end joy grabbed a blanket complaining she was cold
and passed me once obviously able to see that i too was cold

we sat and played several rounds of dominios 
antony told me hes been challenging every guest so far with games
he wants to buy a leader board XD
i came second in dominos
i asked for a hot drink and told them i couldnt feel my fingers

we sat and ate the remainder of antonys birthday cake
whilst drinking earl grey tea
it helped warm me
we played a card game. 
I DO NOT DO CARD GAMES
never have done never will
just dont understand them or enjoy them
adams family tries to get me to play them but i hate them
so i opt out a lot of the time
i didnt do well at the card game surprise surprise 
then we played a weird game
one i couldnt get into but i managed to make jokes and make them laugh
so i turned it in my favour rather than taking it seriously 
soon it was 5pm and I decided to get up and leave
they said i was welcome back anytime ^^

I got home and said I wasnt eating dinner
i had a big lunch, cake and my stomach didnt feel right
so all in all dinner didnt look worth it

seeing as id been sat down all day
i decided to go straight for a walk for 45 mins
came in and talked to mum and then showered
i havent done any japanese for 4 days nows
just not had time or forgotten
really should make an effort
but last night i was watching videos on my ipod and i watched
one by Kalafina a song called Lirica
and i was impressed at how much i could pick out and understand

tomorrow
my mum has the day off work! never happens on a monday
so she said we would maybe go into the city centre
i was thinking i might pick up some cheap wii games for when my wii comes 
so i will go with her as its good to spend time with her

mum spoke to me about how ive been lately
and she knows im fed up of being in a relationship but she asked if
its bothering my split personality 
and i said it is
she said she could tell as im nastier and negative 
i told her
"when im stressed or unhappy it kicks in as a protection so it pushes everything and anyone away by any means whether thats saying nasty things or just being unpleasant to be around, by getting rid of everything and anyone we can be in a quiet bubble. depending on how strong i am depends on whether i can cool it down as we need people and surroundings. if im weak and i let it happen thats when i literally shut down to the world and sink into myself"
its hard to deal with but im hoping once ive sorted my relationship out and maybe got some work coming through i will be more myself once again
as its becoming hard to manage again

speaking of work
i know i dont get much this time of year what with it being start of term
but also because i only do pre-bookings it means i get less work
compared to those who take morning calls and head straight off to a school
in the past ive found this too stressful and spikes my anxiety
but im thinking of giving it a go
so im gonna ring just 1 agency for now and tell them id like a go at mornings calls
as lets face it im up at 7am anyway
i have a satnav 
i can grab a drink and biscuits and just go 
id like to try
see if im stronger if ive improved 
hopefully get more work and actual money

here is the oreo chocolate bar i brought back from france

i ate one cube and my brother ate the rest in one day
how hes not fat will remain a mystery to me
wish i could eat that and not want to literally top myself to dispel the anorexic thoughts id be bombed with

Returned to Park Run

Evening~~

Last night during my wind down mum asked if Id like to 
go park run with her in the morning
and I did ponder this suggestion
she said "Im not taking you if youre gonna run, jog or run/walk but dont tank
off as youve got to build yourself back up"
mainly build my now-in-action muscles i thought
i said to her "in fairness you wouldnt know what id get up when I have passed you...oh wait you can see my time and youd know from that if ive ran or not..."
I said I would get up and go with her

Last night I slept quite crap
woke up loads
did have a cool dream about Digimon tho
so not all bad XD
I got up and got motivated 
it was a cold and fresh morning
so I grabbed a rabbit jumper from the washing bin and threw that on
saves wearing something clean and a jacket i thought

It was good to be back at park run
and i promised mum for the 100th time that my muscles arent up to 
running all the way round so i was gonna jog lightly and not care about my time
it was so cold i couldnt wait to get started my muscles felt seized up they were so cold

anyway park run was good i really enjoyed it
good to get back into that
as i havent ran in weeks maybe months 
i wasnt out of breath and i didnt need to stop
i jogged all the way round and pegged it at the finish line as i enjoy that bit
i wasnt sweating really ether
basically surprised myself at how good my fitness was
but the biggest difference was my muscles 
my muscles hurt
and that doesnt usually happen
it shows theyre in use now
so i ached afterwards but it was a work out ache not illness ache

we got home and i cleaned the pets out
i was frozen as i had cooled down from the run
so i had a longish hot shower and then a brew
me and mum talked about my feet
odd conversation i know
but basically MY WHOLE LIFE my feet have faced inwards 
and now they dont they face forward how feet should
thanks to going to a chiropractor 
and mum says its odd seeing me walk properly as she says you have never walked right
she wishes she knew a chiropractor could have fixed me so she could have sorted it out years ago, but mum and dad just thought it was the way i was made/born 
so usually when ive ran through puddles and dirt (how it was today) the inside of my calves would have mud/grit up them from the tips of my feet catching on them
today they were clean
thats like a total first for me
i walk like a normal person
its amazing
and last night i danced in my bedroom window watching my reflection 
and my left arm is where it should be
usually its always off to the side as its weaker and not quite in the right place
now its level with my right! so hopefully my dancing will improve now too

for the rest of the day i stayed home
as i was shattered quite frankly
oh and the time i did round park run was 32:04
not bad at all to say i hadnt done it ages
yeah so a lot of my day i drew
ive decided that Halloween I will start uploading art work onto sites 
so i want to try make a go of it
I started this, randomly

got the background to do
weird i know XD
took quite a few hours
watched an episode of natsume yuujin chou go
i did a bit of dancing but i was so worn out i couldnt do much

watched tv with my parents and Oz this evening
and now we''re about to watch the second episode of a series
called Killing Eve its random and im willing to give the second episode a go
whilst i paint my nails~

adam wanted to see me
but i didnt want to see him
not seeing him tomorrow ether as im seeing my friend antony and his wife joy
im seeing their rented house for the first time
its a good 30-40 min drive but i want to see them looks easy enough
to get to
should be fun i look forward to it

havent done any japanese in 3 days
woops

New Murakami Book

Evening~~~

I had another interesting dream almost like a movie
took me ages to get to sleep tho as I was aching so much
I woke up at 7:30am
felt a bit crippled and very tired very very tired
took me ages to get motivated which isnt like me
I did 20 mins of yoga and my body was shaking
from having chiropractic sessions its like having your body reset and
you have to build up muscle strength all over again
makes me feel crap at yoga and dance, two things i could do
and now im worse at them!!!
But in the long run I will be better at them
I ran through 2 dances this morning but my body was too weak to keep going

I went on my laptop for half hour then I went out with mum
we went to a vintage cafe on the fancier end of town
we've been once before and it was really good but not been for over a year
we shared a panini which was cheese, mushroom and bacon
very nice and very filling glad we shared!
we had a pot of proper tea like with tea leaves and it was so fragrant 
and then we shared a slab of cake 
which needless to say was amazing
I was full afterwards and relived I shared and not had to be made to eat all that myself
does my head better justice 
we walked round the charity shops there
I dont usually look at charity shop books as I have my kindle
but a book caught my eye

Another book by Murakami
Murakami was introduced to me by my old friend Nigel 
and I liked Murakami's style
this sounds truly random and was only 99p
so I brought it!
give it ago :)
we came home as it was raining

weather has been shocking all day
dead windy and rainy
its horrible
we got home and gave the weather 20mins to pass the worse of the rain
then went for a walk round here
came home, changed my shoes and went out to mias

good to see mia
we sat and i told her about my france journey
and how i dont want to be in a relationship anymore
she talked about wanting to yoga (for like the 3rd time)
I got her to do a few moves just to see how flexible she was
and i was impressed about how flexible she was actually
she would do fine in a class
its cus shes young tho :) it helps! 
we then put a Just Dance video on Youtube and copied 2 dances
it was fun and we both said how much we'd like to play together
when i finally get the games and my Wii
i think it will be a bit brutal with mia tho
she likes to win and challenge me as she knows what buttons of mine she can press XD
I left to come home for dinner

since ive just been doing my diary
id like to do a bit of dancing in my room
and maybe some japanese too
and hopefully sleep tonight

i know adam asked me last week if id like to sleep over tonight
as hes home alone but theres no way in hell i am sleeping over
i need space man and not to mention his bed is cold and damp
as well as his bedroom
and i just dont want that or to share a bed right now
i know he will ask to see me tomorrow if i wanna stay over tomorrow
but he can forget it
need space

tomorrow im not sure what im doing actually
i havent planned or thought! 
i must get onto that
im hopefully seeing antony on sunday tho that should be good
something to look forward to 

Day After France

Evening~~

Today I woke up at 7:30
after having the dream of being a wolf padding through old timey streets
i slept really well in my own bed ^^
annoying I had to wake up early tho
watched Task Master before bed with my parents and Oz

This morning
I did 25mins of dancing til Id literally had enough
My body was so weak still from everything in France

I did mainly admin computer work
uploaded photos
typed up my France trip
emails
catch up on what ive missed
looked for jobs
applied for jobs
looked at wii
BROUGHT A WII!!
yep won a wii for £40
been played with but in its box, 2 controllers + sensor bar
brilliant, no one else bidded so easy win
i was gonna wait til id been paid but life is too short

at 2pm I had my 2nd chiropractic appointment
she did my neck when I wasnt expecting it!
she said "you were so relaxed I couldnt resist"
sadist XD 
disgusting noise tho, truly
she did my feet and toes
and she re-tested me on my hyper mobility and said i was more like a 4 than a 7
so thats good as it means i dont need as much work and i will heal quicker!
i didnt feel as dead after it ether
she cracked my back and now it hardly cracks at all which is odd

i got back and brewed up with Ozwald
its nothing but rained here today so hes not been out much
i went and finished off the jobs I was applying too
then Ed rang me for an hour
wanted to know about france
we talked about stuff and he's gonna go hong kong just before xmas
he said if i really wanted to i could go!
id have to pay obviously but my god what an opportunity
id have to sort out my visa but jesus id go in a heart beat i truly would
hes going with his brother and has been so many times before that he
cant be bothered to go anymore
i couldnt believe he wouldnt mind me crashing in on that
id maybe be able to see more of the world!

I had yoga and we had sophie who goes easier on us
but my body was so weak from france and chiropractor 
that i struggled if im honest
i got there tho

tomorrow~
probably do a dance or walk in the morning
then at lunch im going to a vintage cafe with mum
we''ve been too once before
should be nice
id like to see mia but not heard from her 

France Holiday

Ok~~ 

I said I'd do my france trip

I left on Sunday
I had never set an alarm on my phone before but chose to set one for 6:30
I woke up at 6:50 with a notification on my phone 'alarm failed'
thanks.
a morning I needed to be up and the phone alarm doesnt work
thank god my body woke up body clocks are awesome
but how the hell does an alarm fail!? Wont be using that again
so I was a bit behind and quickly got ready
I didnt have to be at adams til 8:30 
at 8:20 adam sent me a txt "are you on your way yet?"
I said "nope" felt like saying "good morning to you too"
i could tell the txt was from his dad tho, his dad whittles
mum took me up their and embarrassingly told adam "look after her"
jesus

I knew the journey would be a killer
for me who cant sit still for long and aches when in the same position for a long time
don't think I quite appreciated how long Id be in that car for 
we had one stop on the way to the tunnel
I fell asleep as much as I could as that way I can escape the pain basically
when we did stop I stood up and drank my tea and went outside and did some yoga
we got to the tunnel and I had no idea what to expect I really didnt
we got out the car and waited for our train to come so once again I was stretching out
when we could load our car onto the train I realised you could get out your car
whilst on the train so thats what I did, not much room at all and dirty
but I managed to do some yoga
Ive done yoga on the tunnel XD 
we arrived on French turf and adam's dad wanted to take the coastal
road instead of the motorway
I didn't say anything but I also wasnt impressed that we were taking a longer route
i had dosed my self up with pain killers as it was
but we did stop off at the beach!
I practically ran down to it, got my only pair of shoes wet but who cares

you can see I enjoyed my brief experience on the beach
we were only their half hour if that really 
then it was back in the car for a lil while to the place we were staying
their its called a Gite pronounced jeet

we got out the car and saw the gite we were staying in
looked alright 
had a small field attached with swings and a swing ball, small patio
facing it was fields with cows in
we were in the middle of no where 
we were greeted by the owners who were english and we were told the other two families sharing the gite were also english, we only met one family - an elderly couple
so we didnt have roudy neighbours luckily

our bedroom
i found it quite amusing that both bedrooms had single beds!
so adam's parents would have to sleep separately, I got my own bed!
dont always like sharing with adam he takes up too much room

we stayed at the place for a while i think it was around 3ish we got their for
the guy who owned it said he'd take us to a proper French village restaurant
and we could walk back from their 
that would be at 7:30
so I had time to kill
i went outside did some yoga, went on the swings and played swing ball all by myself of course as i needed chill out time but adam did come and play swing ball with me, i beat him hands down as i had many years playing swing ball during my caravan holidays I had to always play against dad and he is brutal when it comes to beating his kids at games XD

we went for food
the journey in the car was quick
the restaurant was a bit of a culture shock to me...
everything was french
i know thats obviously but I guess i was arrogant in thinking id be able to understand some things. 
No everything was French
waiter was french
the menu in total french
everything was so difficult
adams parents helped me choose food and ordered on my behalf
they can get by with french 

The food was expensive but very good quality
starter was potato soup with french bread
main was chicken and mushroom
dessert was ice cream
it was good and cus it was quality over quantity I wasnt overly full
we left there to walk home
it. was. freezing.
we'd had a lovely warm day and now you could see all the stars and all the heat of the day had gone
i was so cold i had my fleece on, adams fleece and his dads
still shivered all the way home which was a 15 min walk home
i got back and ran a hot bath

that night i couldnt sleep
i went to bed, peeled back the duvet to reveal a shallow mattress
i got in and 2 mins later i was out
no way could i sleep on that in those 2 mins my hip hurt
not enough padding
i told adam and i slept on top of the sheets and he covered me in fleeces as we didnt have a blanket, so to be expected to sleep in a strange place with only fleeces covering me was a big ask
i hardly slept
i was up until 2:30am and woke up at 6:45
you know youre up early when the cows in the field arent even out
i got up and paced round the kitchen until in the end i grabbed the keys and went outside
it was cold
i came back inside and felt warmer
adams mum got up and made tea at 7:30
we had ordered a french breakfast to arrive at 9am
i didnt want it if im honest but joined in as it was adams 27th birthday
he opened his cards and liked my doodle 

the breakfast came
the guys had ordered bacon baguette and id ordered french bread and jam his mum had ordered pastries basically. This basket came full of these pastries and bread, i had a bit of bread and called it quits as i didnt want all that, so the guys helped and we wrapped the rest up for another time.
we got ready to go out, heading for a market his dad wanted to see

we got to the town which i think was called Le Touquette     
no market
no people
nothing open
to say how close we were to the summer peak season there was just nothing
turns out the market was only on during the summer 
so we decided the hit the beach
all the time i was mulling stuff over in my head
my biggest worry was if i would have memory of this journey 
i forget a lot of memories and i didnt want to forget stuff 
adam kept asking me all sodding morning "are you alright?"
in the end i snapped at him "yes!! im alright stop asking me!"
doing my head in as it was all he said to me all morning
nothing else. not conversation. no laughs
i talked more with his parents 

the beach was lovely and the sand was hard to walk through but good
i found so many dead crabs! 
i did enjoy it
i took of my socks and shoes straight away and walked through everything
his mum took off hers and joined me
the men went and walked in the less deep wet sand until eventually
they decided to join us 

i told adam "its about time, what you gonna be like when we go Tenerife? you're gonna be on the side path whilst im in the beach?"
he said "no i will join you" 
hope he bloody does
when id been walking alone with his mum said "adam is more reserved than most"
i said "yeah surprises me he goes out with me"
she said "yes but i believe it does him good"
i felt like saying "he doesnt do me good he doesnt bring anything to my life"
but i was good and didnt say it

after the beach we walked to a cafe and it was all french again
i had cheese on toast, more bread i know
good tho actually
luckily the mini golf his dad really wanted to play was shut so i got off the hook there

we walked round the town and i got an ice cream white chocolate flavour
it was huge! one scoop was the size of my fist
i felt truly sick afterwards but enjoyed it
we drove away to a super market and then to the place we were staying

I enjoyed doing yoga bare foot in the field whilst listening to my ipod
then i played pool with everyone in the games room
i won
dont know how but i did
we ate chocolate cake his mum made and brought with her
so much sugar and it makes pain worse

that night for food, adam got to choose as it was his birthday dinner
he chose to go Buffalo Grill
and american style beef place
i thought id be ok here that there would be some english
no
and we passed one Buffalo Grill on the way to the beach but instead we drove further out just to go to a branch they usually use. the point of that was lost on me. why not try somewhere new?
the Buffalo Grill was mainly beef
i hate beef
so i ordered chicken and chips
ate some and gave the rest to adam

we went back to the Gite and I had a bath and tried to scrub my very dirty feet
then i did feel tired as id hardly slept and walked loads
so i thought id try and sleep and luckily i did drop off
i didnt say good night to anyone as i didnt think id actually sleep
i woke up a few times to sort fleeces out
then i woke up at 6:50am and got up
I got ready I was always one of the first too get ready
i never bothered with adam in the morning as hes just an unfun zombie
to be honest i didnt have much fun with him at all the whole holiday
so serious and dull
i pushed away affections as i dont want them
and i didnt bother trying to have fun with him
it was like he didnt enjoy being there

So we were gonna go see another market on tuesday
we got there and there was a market yet
but it was small and crap
it was just the same rubbish they sell here! honestly i could have been in the UK
it was the same
i didnt buy a thing no one did
we walked to another mini golf to find that too was shut but cool decorations
massive cat

originally adams dad said "we'll eat breakfast out"
so i took my medication on an empty stomach, i had breakfast biscuits with me but thought id leave them if we were eating out
did we eat? did we bob
i felt like throwing up as i doubled up pain killers
i looked awful
just because his dad changes his mind like the wind
we went onto a cafe and it was so loud with french people
so over whelming 
i hated it
i had a tea and we walked back to the car
and went to try another seaside town

we got out the car and saw a chip van
his dad went up to it and the guy said "we open in 15 minutes"
now what i thought would happen here was that we''d sit on the sea wall for 15 mins
but no his dad got up and said we'd find a cafe to go sit in
so we did this huge trek with the wind really picking up
no cafes open, nothing open
so in the end we walked allllll the way back to the chip van and ordered chip baguette i did by no means want this at all and the size of it was crazy 
everyone said how mad it was

cant even see the baguette for chips!! i ate a few chips and 2 bites of baguette and said i didnt want it cus i didnt i dont like that kinda food so adam was the only one to finish his and he made a start on mine his dad called him a pig
i thought it was greedy
his parents couldnt finish and usually they eat everything

so his dad said we'd walk down the beach path to see seals
the wind was unbelievable 
i could see the sand gathering on my cardigan
i couldnt see for sand
my legs felt like they wouldnt carry me anymore
id had enough and told adam id had enough and i might get the keys from your dad to go back to the car so when i said this his mum gladly said she'd turn round
the seals were there but so far away they just looked like rocks
i wasnt bothered about seeing them i felt like crap
so me and his mum walked by
and the male egos walked down still
me and his mum waited in the car i felt better for being in the quiet and still air
adam and his dad came back and he showed me photos of the seals but he didnt get very close so i dont think they walked much further than us if im honest
his dad said did we want to go on the beach?
was he for real!? i couldnt see for sand and my  legs couldnt carry me on pavement never mind on sand so i said i wasnt going
we walked back along the pier and we brought ice cream i had kinder flavour  it was good
then we walked back to the car
and drove back to the Gite and ate more cake from his mum
each day i had ice cream and cake and biscuits
so much sugar and pain 
not good for my body or mind
i just felt fat constantly
constantly fat i hated myself, still do

that night we'd been to the super market and picked up
pizza, mini pizza and bread and just had that
i help prepare the dinner, served it, and washed up
adam did nothing
didnt even offer to help
i said in front of his parents to him
"this is why i could never live with you, you do nothing"
i told his dad he's too soft and thats why he does  nothing because he knows he can get away with it. I could no believe how he did nothing.
after dinner his dad said to me in front of adam who was on his phone
"shoes on Jo"
i did i was asked
i said "where we going?" 
his dad said "recycling"
so i had to carry rubbish down the stairs to outside to the bins
i did not mind. i do mind helping at all as his parents have done so much for me
but they get adam to do nothing
he did nothing to help all holiday
mummy and daddy will do it
its embarrassing if you ask me

i hardly slept that night i was struggling mentally and physically
so i was tired and up early 
i was ready to leave
we went to a supermarket to do the booze run
hardy got any time there as his dad was whittling about getting to the tunnel on time
we were a whole hour early for the tunnel so i had a lot of waiting around to do
wasnt impressed
but its hard to say anything when its not your family
you have to go with the flow all the time

so we travelled back
i did as much yoga as i could and got out as much as i could
slept were i could
just to get through it

was happy to be back around english speaking people
id had enough of french and french people

his parents dropped me off home for 5pm
i shattered
i spoke to mum for a bit
sat with Oz
showered and watched task master and happily went back to my comfy bed

that was france

all i brought back with me was halloween decorations from super market, oreo chocolate for my brother to try and a coin you can get from the 2 Euro Machines and theyre all different i chose a motorbike

im glad of the experience
as it was an experience
what i learned from the holiday was several things
1. its hard being with someone elses family
2. i need to learn the basic language for Tenerife
3. adam is not fun or help
4. i dont think i want to be in a relationship anymore
5. i dont want to return to france
6. im not as fit and healthy as i thought i was
7. id like to handle euros and not leave it to adam and his parents

Home From France

I am home~~~

Got home around 5pm

I have had a good time

I've seen a lot

and tried my best to keep pace with everything

but there was a lot to do and take in

I havent got many photos but I will share what I have

I will do it all tomorrow

as Im shattered and mentally drained~

But its good to be home safe and I am so looking

forward to my bed tonight!!

Look forward to my French report tomorrow~