Single Again~~

Evening~~

Last night at Mia's we had a catch up
and then I taught her yoga for about half hour
she did well and enjoyed it, she wants me to do more with her
I said I would but Im glad she enjoyed it

I didn't sleep too badly
but I was awake from 6:30am
think a part of me is paranoid that the phone will ring for work for me
but it didnt
I txted mia this morning asking if she hurt but she said she was fine
so I told her Id work her harder next time~

I cleaned my pigs out and stuff
I did some dancing for 20 mins and did a bit of skipping
but stopped once muscles hurt 
showered and then went to do some drawing on my laptop
I helped decorate a cake mum baked too
had lunch

then me and mum went out after lunch
just to a home store
so many beautiful halloween decorations 
i didnt get anything
mum brought (which i found) Too Faced Semi Sweet Eyeshadow set
usually thats about £38 in shops but it was here for £16
so we got that I look forward to having a go with it
it smells of chocolate and looks like a chocolate bar
we went for a walk down the canal by the store
then went home 

i had a quick brew then went to adams
kinda dreading it but had gotten used to the idea of parting with him
man it was hard

so he near enough went straight to his room which worked for me
as i didnt want to do it in front of his dad
we talked about our week 
i had obviously done more than he had
i told him to tell me about his "break down" as he had called it
he basically said that I had been hard work, im emotionless, he cant give me affection without me recoiling away from him, im snappy and snarky, dont give affection. His mum had noticed all of this too apparently
i kinda thought "right i'll use those"
so i said basically that I was struggling with my mental health, how i dont feel anything and we've both noticed i havent loved him really past few months, how my other half hates him and i have to deal with that hatred and frustration, its stressing me out to deal with affection i cant cope with or give out, im sick of disappointing him as i cant be that way with him and i know he likes affection, how it feels dishonest telling someone you love them when you dont.
i could tell after i said those things that it was sinking in what i was saying that I need a break
that maybe i will stop being so snarky ans snappy and unhappy if i have a break from it all
i could tell this was killing him
i wasnt looking at him i just laid on his bed waiting for him to speak
he said "cant you talk to your therapist about not feeling emotions?"
i said "i can but they dont help with relationships"
i wasnt backing down from this i was doing it
and trying to do it as cleanly and nicely as i could
i didnt want tears or fights
eventually he came out with something i had to ask him to repeat as i couldnt believe he came out with it 
"well Ed will be happy now wont he"
i said "whats Ed got to do with this?"
he said "well cus youd be single"
i said "ive known him longer than you and i went out with YOU not him. Besides Im english so we cant go with one another."
i said "make it sound like i had something on the side"
i had to go anyway cus I was gonna go to a running club
so I went to leave luckily his dad was outside so i didnt have the awkwardness 
i gave adam a hug whilst he silently cried
and said Id see him around
I had made it clear I was not erasing him from my life, id like to be his friend as thats how ive been with him lately anyway, id still go Tenerife with him but as a friend and that he can have as much space as he likes

did i cry? what did I feel?
nothing
complete emptiness 
numb
did feel happy, sad, relief
nothing
bit psychopathic really
still dont feel anything
a part of me was sad for him and didnt want to see him hurt
another part of me thought i should be scared i feel nothing
both things were tiny and didnt effect me really

so im single
and plan to be for a long time
i wish to enjoy life
i wish to get mentally and physically better
i wish to mentally mature too
just not ready for another relationship
dont want to be tied down

came home did some yoga
i left to go running club with mum
she spoke to a few runners asked if they could keep an eye out for me
as i didnt have the uniform on so looked like a random runner
i paced really well and was at the front the whole way
very hilly quite fast in places but good
felt like id worked

came home had dinner and showered
now gonna watch task master
tomorrow i have chiropractor at 4pm and a show at 7:30pm

adam has texted me since
he doesnt seem to be doing well
i think its gonna take a long time for him to get over me

My Wii Came! Went to a farm

Evening~~

I slept between the hours of 2am and 7am
brilliant 
i was shattered
it was my first morning of being on call for school work
i laid there in bed wondering if my phone would call
took me til 7:45am to realise i had my phone set on priority
so its on silent from 9pm to 8am
so of course its not gonna ring!
i need to find a way to take priority off it, i had ago today and couldnt do it
gotta ask for brothers help thats how pathetic i am
well in saying that last night for the first time i ever used google images on my phone!
i wanted to show my brother a picture and rather than take my laptop to him
i thought id challenge myself and try my phone
i managed it fine
didnt dare tell my brother that was my first time on google images
he would have pulled a face or snarked a remark

I went downstairs at 12:30am to do some yoga
i had some cereal
i ached so much so i took a few pain killers
went back to bed at 1:30am

the post man came at 8:15am with my Wii!

look at that! 2007, its old XD
ive managed to set it up but havent actually played on it
there was a game already inside it
guess it was left in there by mistake 
it was only brain training and believe me i wont be using that!!
annoyingly it has been updated so i cant play japanese games on it
but Ed knows how to chip them so they can play anything
i may call on his services~

So today I did some dancing for 25 mins
which went well today actually ^^
i then went and did a bit of skipping but had to stop as i could feel it pulling
at joints and stuff its not worth causing more grief
i went for a shower and then i went on my laptop
did some digital drawing, managed to get a halloween picture finished 
i then did a bit more of another picture ive been working on

Afternoon came round and me and mum decided to go for a walk
just locally and it was good just very windy
we said we would check out this garden centre that had shut for a while this year
it was open and mum offered a drink
so we sat out in the autumn sunshine having a brew and shared a piece of cake
yes another piece of cake!
i eat too much bad stuff lately its relentless 
good tho, bloody good cake 
we noticed the farm was still on site
not that we've ever been round as its small and expensive but it advertised that
it was only £3 entry so we decided to go!

we were kindly given a bucket of chopped apple to give the bigger animals
we looked at the bunnies and guineas 
i fed goats which were greedy
the pigs my god the pigs scared me, so brutal over food! like guineas but with more weight and power behind them XD fighting over food tho and the noises they made were funny
scary feeding them tho
i walked straight by llamas as they looked ready to take me on
i felt a bit scared
im not scared of animals but i am scared or weary of being bitten or spat at
we had a good time for £3 
we left and came home to put our piggies outside

ive watched an episode of Natsume
and did a bit more drawing

tonight at 7pm im going over to mia''s
taking my yoga mat as she would like to do some yoga 
see how that goes anyway
i just hope it all goes ok 
i cant imagine teaching her but we shall see 

i havent spoken to adam much lately
nor has he spoken to me much
he says hes got a driving lesson tomorrow and see me afterwards
but im unsure what im doing tomorrow
might go out with mum again if im still not working
then see him later on
i just know when i see him we''ve got to have that awful breaking up talk!

Got Just Dance + interview friday

Evening~~

It took me til gone midnight to sleep
just couldnt sleep
i acheddddddddd
sick of aching
but its because im using muscles ive never really used or strengthened before
chiropractor sessions are brutal XD
i have noticed my left foot wants to try and creep inwards again tho >.>

Anyway this morning me and mum sat together
with the pigs on our knee having a brew
we were having a brew not the pigs XD
but i like mornings like that
we got ready to go into the city centre 

we didnt really need anything but thought we'd go for something to do
I managed to pick up Just Dance and Just Dance 2 
one for £2.50 and the other for £3.50
wow theyre cheap right! 
mum got a couple of dvd series to watch with dad
cant say I like Ripper Street XD
we mooched round a few shops
I love looking at halloween decorations I truly do
every year im round them ^^

I picked up a bra from debenams reduced to £6.40 from £22
its only a bit of rag really and I would no way have paid £22 for it!
my bras are so tiny its seems criminal to charge that much for em!
for how much fabric youre actually getting XD

we sat and had cake and a brew
luckily we shared cake so i didnt feel too bad about it
but i feel i have eaten a shed load of cake lately
i am gonna be fat at this rate
good cake tho
mum says id been hard work all day like taking a teenager round
but my head is a real mess so its hard to rain it in
also im in a lot of pain so that doesnt help matters

we came home and i had a piece of bread and cereal for lunch
then i went to sleep
i had had enough i really had
so i gave in for the first time in a long time and had an hour
just felt like crap

i was woken up by my mobile i had a call from a random number
it was the Christmas Temp job I had applied for
I was happy that they had rang me, and they said training was 26th october
but i told them i am away then
so she said she''d call me back
i missed the phone call as i had chosen to ring 1 agency and ask that i be put on call for the mornings that i wanted to try it
i rang this christmas temp up
and she said she's willing to put me for training by myself
guessing she thought something of me
the job i have applied too, much to dads disgust is...
santa's elf!
yup i could be an elf!
they give you an outfit and do make up and everything!
its totally up my street
it would only be for 6 weeks but im sooooo up for it
and hoping i get it
pay is terrible but im not arsed as its only for 6 weeks 
and its something new and different to do
so on friday at 11:30 i have an interview
apparently theres a bit of an interview then an activity where i have to use my imagination and make up an elf name and im pretty sure thats an interview i can do
if its something i can do its imagination X3
it sounds very similar to my job interview at mad science back in the day
anyway im looking forward to it
i hope i get it!

i also had a phone call from my psychologist confirming my appointment on friday
said he got a message last week saying id phoned up about this week's appt...?
what? i never phoned
found that weird
but still seeing him friday anyway

i did a drawing
just one of my doodles really
in fact my A5 folder to hold my work should come this week
ive cut out my sketch book all my art pieces and i counted them
and ive done 38 pieces~~ not bad huh
they will be neatly in a folder
not that im keen on anyone seeing my folder
im hoping my wii comes this week also

i did some japanese
and i made beans on toast for myself
mum has gone walking with the crew as she does on a monday
but shes thinking of going wednesday this week as we cant make yoga
ive asked her to ask them if i can go with the runners on the wednesday whilst mum goes with the walkers, you have to pay £10 per year membership which is crazy cheap but i wanted to come along first and have ago before paying out
mum says if i like it i have to buy the hoodie uniform XD geeks XD

tomorrow i havent planned my day as of yet!
sure ill think of something
cant say ive wanted to see adam hes so depressive lately
he said to me "ive brought you something"
i told him "you better not have"
he said "i have"
i said "why?" i dont need anything"
he said "to say sorry"
i said "well tell me sorry and not waste your money i dont need anything"
he said "I cant buy for my girlfriend?"
i said "no,, take it it back, refund yourself"
he said "what if i give it you anyway?" 
i said "i will be peeved and yell at you"
he pulled face emojis at me like he has been doing past few days
i told him "im not pitying you on this, stop pulling stupid faces"
he said "ok fine, whats got you like this?"
I said "nothing i just think youve been pathetic lately"
he said "thanks"
he just has talk about pity party for one
ive not wanted to see him when hes like this
he sounds really fun to be around
maybe he knows ive had enough of him
not looking forward to seeing him anyway
kinda hoping i can wait til wednesday then its been a whole week since i would have seen him

i will entertain myself one way or the other

might dance in my room tonight
id love to learn 2 dances but theyre hard and no dance shot
Monogatari's Re:born
AKB48 Uza

my nails this week, but didnt outline my other hand as i lost interest

Went to Antony's

Evening

I didn't sleep well
I was up til gone 1am as I was aching
just aching aching aching
then I woke up loads too
I eventually woke up at 8:30am shattered 

My parents were off to the airport to help relieve some of my mums
anxiety about going abroad next month
she felt if she saw the airport it might help
i wondered if i too would benefit
so i jumped ship and travelled too
cant say it was exciting or helped but i guess ive seen and been
and hopefully it will help come the day if or when i go

I came home and got ready to go to Antony''s house
I just stuck joggers and jumper on really
then I had a big lunch of leftover pasta 
too much there
i ate it whilst watching Nastume

I left for Antony's house and took me a good half hour drive
i just put music on and got on with it really
I pulled up and antony answered the door to me
joy was upstairs getting changed 

it was good to see them both
as last time i saw them was April for their wedding
walking into their house their front room was decorated with stuff from the wedding
made me second guess how long it had been since the day
to say it has been almost 6 months i was surprised to see stuff still up

so we sat talking for a bit
i was slowly getting colder and colder
their house was cold and almost damp
kinda feels like how adam's house does
i guess it was an old terraced house
in the end joy grabbed a blanket complaining she was cold
and passed me once obviously able to see that i too was cold

we sat and played several rounds of dominios 
antony told me hes been challenging every guest so far with games
he wants to buy a leader board XD
i came second in dominos
i asked for a hot drink and told them i couldnt feel my fingers

we sat and ate the remainder of antonys birthday cake
whilst drinking earl grey tea
it helped warm me
we played a card game. 
I DO NOT DO CARD GAMES
never have done never will
just dont understand them or enjoy them
adams family tries to get me to play them but i hate them
so i opt out a lot of the time
i didnt do well at the card game surprise surprise 
then we played a weird game
one i couldnt get into but i managed to make jokes and make them laugh
so i turned it in my favour rather than taking it seriously 
soon it was 5pm and I decided to get up and leave
they said i was welcome back anytime ^^

I got home and said I wasnt eating dinner
i had a big lunch, cake and my stomach didnt feel right
so all in all dinner didnt look worth it

seeing as id been sat down all day
i decided to go straight for a walk for 45 mins
came in and talked to mum and then showered
i havent done any japanese for 4 days nows
just not had time or forgotten
really should make an effort
but last night i was watching videos on my ipod and i watched
one by Kalafina a song called Lirica
and i was impressed at how much i could pick out and understand

tomorrow
my mum has the day off work! never happens on a monday
so she said we would maybe go into the city centre
i was thinking i might pick up some cheap wii games for when my wii comes 
so i will go with her as its good to spend time with her

mum spoke to me about how ive been lately
and she knows im fed up of being in a relationship but she asked if
its bothering my split personality 
and i said it is
she said she could tell as im nastier and negative 
i told her
"when im stressed or unhappy it kicks in as a protection so it pushes everything and anyone away by any means whether thats saying nasty things or just being unpleasant to be around, by getting rid of everything and anyone we can be in a quiet bubble. depending on how strong i am depends on whether i can cool it down as we need people and surroundings. if im weak and i let it happen thats when i literally shut down to the world and sink into myself"
its hard to deal with but im hoping once ive sorted my relationship out and maybe got some work coming through i will be more myself once again
as its becoming hard to manage again

speaking of work
i know i dont get much this time of year what with it being start of term
but also because i only do pre-bookings it means i get less work
compared to those who take morning calls and head straight off to a school
in the past ive found this too stressful and spikes my anxiety
but im thinking of giving it a go
so im gonna ring just 1 agency for now and tell them id like a go at mornings calls
as lets face it im up at 7am anyway
i have a satnav 
i can grab a drink and biscuits and just go 
id like to try
see if im stronger if ive improved 
hopefully get more work and actual money

here is the oreo chocolate bar i brought back from france

i ate one cube and my brother ate the rest in one day
how hes not fat will remain a mystery to me
wish i could eat that and not want to literally top myself to dispel the anorexic thoughts id be bombed with

Returned to Park Run

Evening~~

Last night during my wind down mum asked if Id like to 
go park run with her in the morning
and I did ponder this suggestion
she said "Im not taking you if youre gonna run, jog or run/walk but dont tank
off as youve got to build yourself back up"
mainly build my now-in-action muscles i thought
i said to her "in fairness you wouldnt know what id get up when I have passed you...oh wait you can see my time and youd know from that if ive ran or not..."
I said I would get up and go with her

Last night I slept quite crap
woke up loads
did have a cool dream about Digimon tho
so not all bad XD
I got up and got motivated 
it was a cold and fresh morning
so I grabbed a rabbit jumper from the washing bin and threw that on
saves wearing something clean and a jacket i thought

It was good to be back at park run
and i promised mum for the 100th time that my muscles arent up to 
running all the way round so i was gonna jog lightly and not care about my time
it was so cold i couldnt wait to get started my muscles felt seized up they were so cold

anyway park run was good i really enjoyed it
good to get back into that
as i havent ran in weeks maybe months 
i wasnt out of breath and i didnt need to stop
i jogged all the way round and pegged it at the finish line as i enjoy that bit
i wasnt sweating really ether
basically surprised myself at how good my fitness was
but the biggest difference was my muscles 
my muscles hurt
and that doesnt usually happen
it shows theyre in use now
so i ached afterwards but it was a work out ache not illness ache

we got home and i cleaned the pets out
i was frozen as i had cooled down from the run
so i had a longish hot shower and then a brew
me and mum talked about my feet
odd conversation i know
but basically MY WHOLE LIFE my feet have faced inwards 
and now they dont they face forward how feet should
thanks to going to a chiropractor 
and mum says its odd seeing me walk properly as she says you have never walked right
she wishes she knew a chiropractor could have fixed me so she could have sorted it out years ago, but mum and dad just thought it was the way i was made/born 
so usually when ive ran through puddles and dirt (how it was today) the inside of my calves would have mud/grit up them from the tips of my feet catching on them
today they were clean
thats like a total first for me
i walk like a normal person
its amazing
and last night i danced in my bedroom window watching my reflection 
and my left arm is where it should be
usually its always off to the side as its weaker and not quite in the right place
now its level with my right! so hopefully my dancing will improve now too

for the rest of the day i stayed home
as i was shattered quite frankly
oh and the time i did round park run was 32:04
not bad at all to say i hadnt done it ages
yeah so a lot of my day i drew
ive decided that Halloween I will start uploading art work onto sites 
so i want to try make a go of it
I started this, randomly

got the background to do
weird i know XD
took quite a few hours
watched an episode of natsume yuujin chou go
i did a bit of dancing but i was so worn out i couldnt do much

watched tv with my parents and Oz this evening
and now we''re about to watch the second episode of a series
called Killing Eve its random and im willing to give the second episode a go
whilst i paint my nails~

adam wanted to see me
but i didnt want to see him
not seeing him tomorrow ether as im seeing my friend antony and his wife joy
im seeing their rented house for the first time
its a good 30-40 min drive but i want to see them looks easy enough
to get to
should be fun i look forward to it

havent done any japanese in 3 days
woops

New Murakami Book

Evening~~~

I had another interesting dream almost like a movie
took me ages to get to sleep tho as I was aching so much
I woke up at 7:30am
felt a bit crippled and very tired very very tired
took me ages to get motivated which isnt like me
I did 20 mins of yoga and my body was shaking
from having chiropractic sessions its like having your body reset and
you have to build up muscle strength all over again
makes me feel crap at yoga and dance, two things i could do
and now im worse at them!!!
But in the long run I will be better at them
I ran through 2 dances this morning but my body was too weak to keep going

I went on my laptop for half hour then I went out with mum
we went to a vintage cafe on the fancier end of town
we've been once before and it was really good but not been for over a year
we shared a panini which was cheese, mushroom and bacon
very nice and very filling glad we shared!
we had a pot of proper tea like with tea leaves and it was so fragrant 
and then we shared a slab of cake 
which needless to say was amazing
I was full afterwards and relived I shared and not had to be made to eat all that myself
does my head better justice 
we walked round the charity shops there
I dont usually look at charity shop books as I have my kindle
but a book caught my eye

Another book by Murakami
Murakami was introduced to me by my old friend Nigel 
and I liked Murakami's style
this sounds truly random and was only 99p
so I brought it!
give it ago :)
we came home as it was raining

weather has been shocking all day
dead windy and rainy
its horrible
we got home and gave the weather 20mins to pass the worse of the rain
then went for a walk round here
came home, changed my shoes and went out to mias

good to see mia
we sat and i told her about my france journey
and how i dont want to be in a relationship anymore
she talked about wanting to yoga (for like the 3rd time)
I got her to do a few moves just to see how flexible she was
and i was impressed about how flexible she was actually
she would do fine in a class
its cus shes young tho :) it helps! 
we then put a Just Dance video on Youtube and copied 2 dances
it was fun and we both said how much we'd like to play together
when i finally get the games and my Wii
i think it will be a bit brutal with mia tho
she likes to win and challenge me as she knows what buttons of mine she can press XD
I left to come home for dinner

since ive just been doing my diary
id like to do a bit of dancing in my room
and maybe some japanese too
and hopefully sleep tonight

i know adam asked me last week if id like to sleep over tonight
as hes home alone but theres no way in hell i am sleeping over
i need space man and not to mention his bed is cold and damp
as well as his bedroom
and i just dont want that or to share a bed right now
i know he will ask to see me tomorrow if i wanna stay over tomorrow
but he can forget it
need space

tomorrow im not sure what im doing actually
i havent planned or thought! 
i must get onto that
im hopefully seeing antony on sunday tho that should be good
something to look forward to 

Day After France

Evening~~

Today I woke up at 7:30
after having the dream of being a wolf padding through old timey streets
i slept really well in my own bed ^^
annoying I had to wake up early tho
watched Task Master before bed with my parents and Oz

This morning
I did 25mins of dancing til Id literally had enough
My body was so weak still from everything in France

I did mainly admin computer work
uploaded photos
typed up my France trip
emails
catch up on what ive missed
looked for jobs
applied for jobs
looked at wii
BROUGHT A WII!!
yep won a wii for £40
been played with but in its box, 2 controllers + sensor bar
brilliant, no one else bidded so easy win
i was gonna wait til id been paid but life is too short

at 2pm I had my 2nd chiropractic appointment
she did my neck when I wasnt expecting it!
she said "you were so relaxed I couldnt resist"
sadist XD 
disgusting noise tho, truly
she did my feet and toes
and she re-tested me on my hyper mobility and said i was more like a 4 than a 7
so thats good as it means i dont need as much work and i will heal quicker!
i didnt feel as dead after it ether
she cracked my back and now it hardly cracks at all which is odd

i got back and brewed up with Ozwald
its nothing but rained here today so hes not been out much
i went and finished off the jobs I was applying too
then Ed rang me for an hour
wanted to know about france
we talked about stuff and he's gonna go hong kong just before xmas
he said if i really wanted to i could go!
id have to pay obviously but my god what an opportunity
id have to sort out my visa but jesus id go in a heart beat i truly would
hes going with his brother and has been so many times before that he
cant be bothered to go anymore
i couldnt believe he wouldnt mind me crashing in on that
id maybe be able to see more of the world!

I had yoga and we had sophie who goes easier on us
but my body was so weak from france and chiropractor 
that i struggled if im honest
i got there tho

tomorrow~
probably do a dance or walk in the morning
then at lunch im going to a vintage cafe with mum
we''ve been too once before
should be nice
id like to see mia but not heard from her