I'm home -____-
Been so busy!
well I havent been home much lately so I have plenty to catch up on!!
soooo
Friday~
I didn't sleep great and sweated to death in bed
literally the toys I held were damp
just how can I give off so much heat? when Im as cold as corpse in the day
so I ended up showering before work >.>
Work was good
i prepped biology and chemistry and got to play with mixing dyes
I spent the day with Jack im sure he sees to it that he can spend the day with me
I took soup for lunch but only had a few mouth fulls i just could not get
it down me at all
Jack was quite certain id be coming out with him and his friends that evening
even tho i said to him id have to bring a shed load of stuff over as the convention would be the next day but he seemed fine about that
So I went home and had food and got all my stuff ready
mum had kinda ironed my haruhi cosplay for me
i danced a bit as well
i didnt get round to having a sleep before I went ><
I got to jack's around 8pm and he had some friends over already
but it was good to see his friends as they make me laugh
we stayed at his til 11pm then went to a bar
jack was off his face XD he dances like a fairy
i was so tired i just couldnt be dealing with him like that but found it amusing
his friends have all accepted me into the group
jack got food and we walked back at 1am to his and his flat mate turned up 5 mins later
so it wasnt a late one
and i slept pretty well actually
even tho i was shattered and it was a demand on my body i was glad i had made the effort to go out with everyone, its the only way im gonna get to know his friends better
Saturday - Em-con day!
we had an easy morning and i even got to have a bath at his
i forgot how damn good baths are on pain
jack and theo were playing on xbox leaving me to get ready in my cosplay
i came upstairs in my cosplay and said "what do you think?"
jack was like "im gonna get done for being a paedo"
cus he thought i looked 18 and he looks older than 25 XD
theo thought i looked good
we headed to the convention
and i got him to take a photo of me to send to mum
We walked round and we both picked up an amazing offer of 3 tshirts for £10!
mine are all Pusheen his are geeky ones
the guy on the stall gave us a lecture on relationships XD he thought Jack was much older than me i found it funny but then i do wonder will i ever look my age?
Jack got a handmade replica of Rick's gun from Rick and Morty
he was like a child with that damn thing XD
i got some manga one is in colour!!! it was 2 for £7
and a key chain i plan on giving mum at christmas maybe
we finished up about 2:30pm
and then I said Id go get my piercing
i was totally fine about it too
I got there and signed a form and you had to circle if you'd eaten in the last four hours (no) and if your prone to fainting (yes)
i told him where i wanted it and he checked my veins and then got me to look in the mirror at where he had put the mark and i was happy with it
Jack was in the room as well
and i was fine
i asked the guy "will it bleed?" he said "yeah lots?" i looked shocked at him at the thought of a single drop of blood falling from my ear.
he was obviously joking
i was ok a lil nervous but nothing like blood tests
he kept telling me to relax and be still
the needle went in and i instantly thought 'im gonna be sick'
then next thing i knew
i passed out
yup
i plummeted forwards and the guy caught me before i could fall off the table
he laid me out and the only thing i know is that i felt the needle
then i was on my side with him saying "im just screwing the end on"
i was shaking he told me to breathe and not get up
he passed jack some water and jack helped me with that
but i ended up on the sofa directly out the room for a long long time
the guy got someone to make me tea with three sugars
as i was shaking and my body was cold but my face was burning up
i felt better for the tea but soon plummeted again
the guy was asking if i had eaten and if i was prone to fainting and if i have any health issues
i told him i ate a weetabix at 10am he said "you need to eat"
so even strangers are telling me to eat now...
in the end jack rang theo to bring my coat and they helped me home
we picked up pasta and cake on the way home and i sat and ate that
i did feel better after that it took a while
and i slept it off as well
i came home with jack as i needed to get rid of the tonne of make up off my face
which was not an easy task
i left him talking with mum, mum likes him and even my brother talked to him ^^
we ate pizza and watch darker than black in my room
had Ozwald out and then went back to his
i slept at his for the 2nd night
which i didnt sleep well as i can only sleep on my right side as my left ear is incredibly bruised!
so i was aching a lot as i couldnt turn over >.>
sunday i wasnt in the right frame of mine so whilst theo and jack played on xbox and DS
i listened to my ipod on his bed
then at 2pm we went for Pizza at a new pizza place
the boys pizza came. mine didnt
in the end the waitress said theyd given my pizza to another table and that theyd do mine free of charge, i wasnt complaining about that
then we went round a few shops
then i think i just stayed at his til 8pm i had another bath ^^
i came home to Oz and my own bed
I slept pretty well
i stayed in my bed the whole time
and got 5 hours straight sleep
so i was pleased with that
it does do me good to have a break from my bed
Today - monday
its bank holiday so no work
ive stayed holed up in my room cutting out fabric and catching up on sleep
ive cut so much out....
i danced as well
and recorded a dance!!!
finally got round to it
i will upload it on wednesday
my ear feels a bit better today as well
not quite as bruised
i gotta clean it tho every day
its a Helix piercing im happy with it
i didnt look at it at all the first day in case it made me feel faint XD
i hope it heals well
tomorrow i plan on cutting out more bloody fabric!
got so much to cut out ><
ive had a busy few days
but its been good to be busy
makes me feel like im living life for a change
and being with people my own age is great for me too
im glad jack enjoyed the convention
he wants to come manchester this year as well
and wants to cosplay as Rick from Rick and Morty
Evening~
I did my homework again last night
I couldnt sleep tho
I felt sick from pain and I got up
I did half hour of yoga then went to bed about 1:30am
I think I slept through tho til 7:30am so I didnt do bad really
I could tell as I didnt feel quite so death like this morning
I changed my bed
I danced for half hour
still struggling with that damn fan tho!
I had a shower and then went to clean the inside and outside of my car
after I finished I made a brew and sat with Oz for it to rain....
I had just washed my car!! so that was annoying
I waited for mum to come home then i went to bed
id had enough i felt like crap
i didnt get up til 2pm
when I got up I decided to tackle the bear paw patchwork block
the one written in my book was tiny!!
i cut it all out and realised just how small and fiddly it would be
so looked for one online i found one but didnt like how they did it
so in the end i had to work out all the measurements myself...
took ages
but i got there and i used crappy fabrics to have a test run with
and thats the outcome
thats what im going for with the quilt
jack wants to see so im taking it to work tomorrow
i just literally got it done in time before yoga
yoga was good but i was feeling so anxious about the night
as i never sleep well on a yoga night
i think what was making me anxious as well was the fact im taking soup to work tomorrow and just the thought of having to eat at work is making me feel sick
stupid i know but its the way of the mind
so im not in the best of places right now
i couldnt finish my dinner ether
i fished out my haruhi suzumiya cosplay
as mum said she'd iron it for me tomorrow ^^
as i have the convention on saturday
im not majorly fussed about it but its something to do
jack has since text me and said a load of them are going on a night out tomorrow night
and im invited ><
as fun as i know its gonna be it just means i have to sleep over at his house and take my cosplay over and stuff which i guess isnt too much of a hassle but i havent been taking over stuff like make up and stuff
also ive been feeling pretty drained and i have work tomorrow so i will see how i feel but i dont want to miss out as its fun going out with everyone
so tomorrow is work
then i guess ill have to see how it takes me from there
Evening~~
Well I did my homework
I stayed up and went to bed at 11pm with my parents
I read then i did the tensing muscle exercise followed by the breathing exercise
and I actually did feel more relaxed surprisingly
but I didnt sleep
and I laid there for 2 hours til at 1am i felt sick with pain and got up
i stayed up til 2am and went to bed but had disturbed sleep
so i looked like death in the morning as per usual
I got showered and ready to see karen this morning
I havent seen her since i bumped into her at a garden centre before christmas
so i was looking forward to see her to say the least
We met in a cafe
and we had tea and cake and the 3 of us chatted
she asked about my job and jack and stuff
and mum was asking karen about her cancer treatments
i cant believe how much she has been through lately
god id hate to have cancer i truly would
the amount of treatment is unreal, all those needles 0.0
we talked for about 3 hours
i was ready to move cus i ached!
I got home and we went to a couple of shops
but i felt ill i really did
so we came home and i went to bed
i got up and i ached
i did half hour of dancing and i did feel a bit better for it
then i looked at my patchwork...ah its a curse being creative sometimes
stuff that should be simple is never simple like literally i dont make it simple for myself
as i know i would never be happy with it
so yeah thats been a headache and a half but i think i have come up with a design
im gonna do bear claw a patchwork i havent done before actually
i do need to buy some fabric tho
annoyingly
i might just overdose on pain killers tonight
i ache real bad and if i ache this bad now its only gonna get worse in bed
oh my spastic glasses came in the post!
theyre dyslexic glasses and i see best with green overlay
they werent cheap but my god they work!
im taking them to work on friday!
im sick of stomach ache every time i eat
im not eating much in my days
i just cant be bothered with it all
tomorrow i might go into the city centre not sure yet
Evening
I didnt sleep great but on the plus side
i did stay in bed all night! achievement~
I got up at 8am
I was looking online at random stuff til 9:30am
brought some more joggers
gotta love joggers~
then I decided I really should be dancing XD
so I did 45mins of dancing
i had had enough tho
I showered and had a brew
then I hit a home store
I went and brought a container to transport and heat soup in
two chokers for just a quid!
a blanket as i want to use my scraps up making a patchwork blanket before
i start full time at school
a notebook for school as i wanna make a few notes before rebecca leaves me
and i think that was it
i came home and had something to eat and waited for mum to come home
i told her that the hypnotherapist had been in touch and given me an appointment for 5pm today
i then went to bed as i was done in
im still having cold sweats, dizzy and feeling off
i must have a bug or something
i got up and had a cup of tea with mum and oz then i went to the hypnotherapist
she had a dog which i happily greated
she was like "do you have a dog?" i think she thought i was so good with dogs i must have one XD i just aint scared and embrace all animals
she took me to a room upstairs in her house
it was all really nice and so was she
we talked for a good 40mins and she told me to think about if i want treatment or not as its expensive but she gave me hope. honestly for the first time in such a long time someone wanted to help me and was really confident they could help me too
she said she can help me with
sleep
pain
anxiety
confidence
and Eko
it freaked me out a bit about Eko but she has reassured me that it would be a merging not getting rid but the thought that thats even possible had me in shock really as i cant imagine it happening
i cant imagine this one person can do all this
to be able to sleep would be a dream
she told me she could end up talking to Eko she doesnt know as she hasnt treated anyone with this condition but seems certain she can merge us so i will be able to feel more emotions
she was really lovely
and gave me some home work to do for tonight
ive got to go to bed at the same time as everyone in the house
and i have got to do a tensing muscle exercise followed by a breathing exercise and it might make me sleep or sleep longer
i am willing to try anything
but if i chose treatment the first time she could do was 14th may as shes on holiday
i drove home
crying
i think it was relief that i could get help and i think just being a bit overwhelmed
i came home and asked mum to sit on her bed with me
i talked to her and cried a bit more
she was relieved and talked to dad about it
they both want me to have the treatment and are willing to pay as well for it
so expensive ><
i feel bad
since then i have flicked through my ever growing monster bag of scraps
deciding which ones to use to make the quilt
i have sorted a lot out
but i dont feel the bag is any smaller!! how is that possible!?
ugh
tomorrow im seeing karen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i literally cant wait
i havent spent anytime with her for months ever since shes started her cancer treatment
so me mum and karen are going to a cafe for tea and cake at 10am :D
after that i might sew or something :)
Konbanwa~
Didn't do my diary yesterday as I didnt get in til 12:30am
So yesterday...
I had 4 hours sleep
I woke up at 6:30am and was not spending another minute in that bed
so I got up and began my day
I went for a walk at 7am
just needed to get out
my brother saw me come in from my walk and was like "its too early for that" XD
i went over mia's for 9am
we talked and watched another fruits basket episode which was good
I came home and had a shower and got ready to see jack
as the previous night when i went to bed there was a txt message
"do you wanna come out with me and my family for a meal?"
my god
talk about scary
one hand i wanted to opt out but on the other i didnt want to seem rude
so i agreed to attend
i got myself ready for that
now did i go dressed cutesy? or did i go in dark colours?
i went in a black top, shakugan no shana necklace, red tartan skirt, black tights, red checked glove and a red bow in my hair. yeah man XD
I went over to Jack's and he said i looked nice
guess he likes me unusual appearance
we sat talking then did his food shopping
then we set off to meet his family
it was his mum, step dad, 2 sisters, nan
theyre all nice normal people
he does get teased by his sisters despite being 10 years younger than him
but he equally teases them back
both his mum and nan said theres nothing on me -____-
but all were nice people and i could easily get along with them
and i think they liked me
it was torture sitting there all those hours
that in in the end i went to the toilet
i didnt need to go but i just needed to move
when we got in the car home i said to jack "something needs to die or give me pain killers ether is good right now"
he said "yeah i could tell you were struggling to sit"
i said "no you couldnt" >.>
he said "jo your legs were going and your were fidgeting"
crap
i hadnt realised
and i tried to be normal too
he wasnt fussed or anything but i felt disappointed in case i seemed rude or impatient in front of his family
we went to his and it was 8:30pm
i didnt want to go home
i took a load of pain killers
had a play fight
then laid on his bed
i changed again
its getting so frequent but she was off
even jack noticed she was off
she wasnt herself
and still isnt
shes lost and almost sad
its a lil hard to deal with as im not used to seeing my other half this way
usually shes so firey and pent up but shes subdued
i cant work it out
and now my head is becoming messy
i had all sorts of thoughts at 1am this morning
from not eating, being fat, self harm, over dosing, loneliness, confusion and yeah just a whirlwind really
i got home at 12:30 this morning
and went to bed at 2am
i woke up at 6:30am needing a wee and went back to sleep for an hour luckily
this morning i began my yosakoi dancing with the fan!
my goodness im not used to working with a fan
i had hand ache!
i did other dancing too and before i knew it i had done an hour's worth of dancing
i was wet through i really was
like id already been in the shower
i showered and made some new joggers i got a bit smaller as they were a bit on the long side, then i got ready for my shift at work
work was fine
didnt do much washing up as it does XD
i prepped chemistry work with jack
and im more confident with it all now even tho what i prepped today i had never done before. My confidence is growing in the role. I spoke to alan as well
and i sorted stuff out and watered and tended to the plants
before i knew it it was time to go home!
i got in and got in my pajamas
mum made me a brew then i think i fell asleep for an hour
i was just too tired to function
and now i look really pale
great!
i sorted my ipod out a bit and looked at dances
about it really
i ordered some dyslexic glasses online £22.99
robbing sods
cashing in on us spazs
and a pink mascara
heres some punky gloves i got in the post last week
tomorrow i am gonna have another stab at yosakoi dancing
then i might pop to the shops for a soup container
as jack has suggested i take soup to work for lunch
he wants me to eat and hes concerned just like mum dad and brother are
so i will give it ago
i messaged a hypnotherapist as well tonight >.>
Evening~~
I was in my pajamas with Oz last night how I usually am
and at 9pm Jack asked if I wanted to stay over
he was home alone
and i kinda figured it would be nice to have the company at night
even if i did look and feel like death
i was surprised i managed to even drive there in the state that i was in
so i sat with Jack for a while
and the evening is pretty hazy after that
i think we went to bed around midnight or 1am
but i actually did sleep pretty well
although i woke up shivering at one point and i complained i was cold
so jack cuddled me and said "no Jo youre roasting and sweating"
guess im still not 100% and i felt a bit rough when i woke up this morning
jack said i looked like death XD i told him i did anyway when i wake in the morning
we stayed in bed til 10am
then got up and had breakfast, did some food shopping
then i left his house as he was seeing his family
i came home and showered
and had a brew with Oz
then i fell asleep i just felt like crap
then i made dinner with mum
tonight i might learn a simple dance in my bedroom
i got some joggers in the post today
theyre high waisted but even so theyre too long for me so im gonna make them shorter maybe tomorrow, tomorrow mia wants me to go over at like 9am to watch another fruits basket episode with her then after that im not sure what i will do really :/
heres an eye shadow i got in the post this week
im yet to have ago with it
but ive been after reds for a while now but been making due with oranges and pinks
now i finally have red!
Evening
I had another sodding nightmare
can you believe that?
thats 3 days in row
this one was about being captured by some sort of werewolf creature and being slung around and finally it clasped my wrists and i tried to fight it off screaming and kicking and thats when i woke up when it looked like it was gonna go in for the kill
i woke up sweaty
i was not impressed, plushies over the floor, covers a mess
i got up as id had enough
it was 3:30
at 4:10am i did half hour of yoga then at 4:45am went back to bed
but to be honest i was up again at 5am as i just could not sleep
so ive started my day at 3:30am
i showered at 6:20am as id had enough of feeling gross from my nightmare
then i slowly got ready
id eaten a fair amount before i went work but then i had been up 5 hours before having to leave the house and also i knew i wouldnt be eating at work
got to work and so many people said congratulations to me
seems theyre happy that im staying on ^^
so that was nice
i had some lesson prep to do in the morning
and then some cleaning up
so much washing up of Jack's
we sat down for lunch, id had real bad stomach pain all morning to the point where it felt like a knife was digging in me, its not been this bad before. So i felt crap anyway cus i have done last few days, i was on 3 hours sleep, i had stomach ache. i just wanted to go home. i did feel a bit faint at times but didnt say anything i kept going.
after lunch, i did some more lesson prep and some running around. managed to escape printing tho which was nice. and topped up the labs
i managed everything today with little help too so that was good
I spoke to jack about the interview
he said how well i did
i told him just cus im his girlfriend he doesnt have to say stuff like that to me
but he meant it
he talked to head of science and stuff about me that i am more capable that what i think i am and its just confidence with me
he said i did everything right really
it was good feedback to have and made me feel better
i came home, god knows how as i think i could have fallen asleep at the wheel
mum made me a brew and i fell asleep on the sofa immediately afterwards for an hour
sheer exhaustion
i woke up and mum said i looked white
i havent done much since then other than shower - again - as im still having cold sweats like i have been having last few days so i felt gross
and i just laid or sat round im just so damn tired
mum and dad spoke to me
theyre concerned
i mean before i left the house this morning my mum said "you do worry me"
i said "why?"
she said "oh you just do"
so yeah mum and dad talked to me
basically my dad has been ringing up hypnotherapists today as he thinks i should go see one, mum ordered me some tablets to help with pain and digestion
im grateful but i also feel crap about it all
as im the source of their concern
i dont mind trying tablets
hypnotherapy tho, ive just got out of sodding psychology sessions and its gonna suck not to mention its got Eko's hackles raised so im now dealing with a stroppy teenager in my head
so tired of it all
wish i could sleep and eat
how will i cope with a full time job is what my whole family is asking
i uploaded the picture i did of Tohru Honda from Fruits Basket
ive had a lot of good feedback from friends with it
not sure what next picture will be
tomorrow not sure what im doing yet
depends how i feel
my Yosakoi fan came today tho :D
so pretty~
please sleep tonight
i need escapism
no more nightmares please
