Konbanwa~~
I slept over at jack's yesterday after doing some dancing
and other bits and pieces
we met up and i got a few bits from the city i needed
i did end up buying some more hair dye...
i brought some cute fluffy earrings for my cat maid cosplay ^^
we met up with Theo and Harvey and went to a japanese restaurant
i had chicken katsu curry
my god it came so big! so much food
and i ordered yakitori also
i couldnt eat it all
the guys all ate loads as usual
but theo ate the most
god only knows where he stores it
we brought a picnic blanket and sat out in the park in the sun together
it was nice to just hang out
we came back to jack's
and later on we went for pudding...i just cant keep up with them
i was so tired and full
safe to say i was ready for bed
not that i slept particularly well
this morning we had a very lazy morning which was nice in a way
we didnt eat breakfast til 11am
and we had a shower
i fell asleep whilst jack went for a shower
he was in the room eating crisps when i woke up
i didnt hear him come in the room or get crisps or open them or eat them
i must have been well away
i kept falling sleep all weekend to be honest
we left for a garden centre to go get a teacher a leaving present
we were just walking round then jack spotted said teacher
can actually believe that!?
same place
same time
for a present for her!!!!
small world x1000
we couldnt back peddle quick enough
we quickly picked up a plant and left
dont know the last time i was so tense!
we went food shopping as jack needed bits to bring to work
which i am bringing to work cus its easier as i have a car
so we did that and i dropped him off home
then i came home
mum dyed my hair
and it is the pinkest it has been yet!
im hoping when i come to washing it next time it wont wash out like it has been doing
i finished Liv's picture as i wanted to get it finished for tomorrow at work
so i could show it her
think it came out alright
her dad and dog
i had a bit of help from my brother with the photoshoping
but its done now
and so is jack's mug
so now i can start working on the things i wanna work on!!! woohoo
tonight watching the second to last episode of Killing Eve
looking forward to it!
tomorrow I have work....
my god i have so much to mix up in the morning....
bit anxious about it all but jack says he will help
i dont need the help i hope because hes usually busy monday morning
like we all are
then i have to spend 2 hours doing a practice practicals with a teacher
so we know how to teacher 18 year olds come septemeber
i hope i understand and dont screw it up
but the teacher is 26 and he says "it will be chill and bants" so im hoping we will be ok
but we're both anxious about it as the head of biology is on our backs...
she wants to much from me and im not 100% sure what it is she does want T^T
i hate asking and sometimes looking an idiot
then the rest of the day i hope to do display work~
but its been a much better, happier and healthier weekend
next weekend im in manchester for the convention
then i will start doubling my pain killer medication too
as i asked the doctor on friday if i could and he said i could
but not to go any higher
drugged up jo
Evening
I haven't been on my laptop
just haven't been interested enough to go on it
my week has been alright I guess
I have been doing displays at school
which has impressed all the teaching staff ^^
i feel useful for something as i am clueless about science
i have done a 'science of cats' display for a teacher who is a cat fanatic
and is leaving on tuesday so we will be unveiling then to her
ive done a GCSE biology display and started A Level biology display
been given a load of stuff to do a 'forensic' display
so yeah its giving me stuff to do which i enjoy
as ive been using paints, papers, pens, etc
and its nice to be able to show off my talents
ive had maggots to tend to
heart dissections
and bacteria to grow which i actually did wrong
but re-did it today hoping it will be alright for monday!
i stayed over at jack's on wednesday
i thought we were gonna have our first confrontation
he got out of me what i was like at the weekend
you know the overdosing, the suicidal thoughts
he was not impressed that i didnt tell him
in fact he was hurt, i thought he was gonna cry on me
he said he was upset that i couldnt rely on him enough to tell him, that i went through it, that he wasnt there to help me.
yeah i felt crappy as he said id promised him id tell him next time i felt like that
and i had forgot i made that promise
but i argued that i didnt want to ruin his weekend with friends
he said i was stupid for thinking that way
that seeing his friends wasnt important compared to me and how i was feeling
yeah i wasnt expecting us to hash all that out
i was scared he was gonna shout at me or something
but he didnt he was calm and wasnt hurtful so i coped alright
i understand hes just concerned really and loves me loads
i didnt manage to go yoga again
but i did do 30 mins tonight by myself which was good to do
id like to dance tomorrow morning if i can
ive been working on the picture Liv has asked me to draw
she wants a picture of her dad and dog so ive done this so far
just got the background to do
i got jacks mug in the post
it looks good i will have to photograph it
i dyed my hair again this week - pink
once again it didnt take
so im taking this as jo isnt suppose to have pink hair
as i dont want to bleach it
tomorrow i believe im seeing jack
but god knows what time he will wake up after a night of full on gaming >.>
he says he needs a bag and a suit so looks like we're shopping for him tomorrow
he hates shopping XD but i might be able to see him in a suit
which i can not imagine
Evening~~
Didn't sleep great
but i put that down to not having the sheer amount of pain killers
i have been taking as of the last 3 days
as my god i ached and it was waking me up ><
this morning i felt a bit better about life
i mean i didnt want to go to work really
i think a part of me could have buried my head under the duvet for the day
but thats not solving anything and letting people down
myself included
so i pushed on and went to work
jack gave me hugs and stuff today
think hes missed me
well i guess its been over a week since we've spent any time together
and i didnt see him over the weekend
i didnt want to tell him what id been like over the weekend
as i dont know if its male bravado of wanted to be needed or him wanting to help
but id only get lectured about not calling him or telling him
and its done now and theres never anything anyone can do
you have to ride it out
so i kept quiet about the extent of the damage
i talked to Liv about it all as she has depression
and i told her that i hadnt told jack
and she just said the same thing as i think
theres nothing anyone can do you just have to ride it out
i fetched maggots
gross little things and i could smell em too
i was getting everything done
but i had so many demands made of me today
and then at 2pm so with 2hours to go i find out bacteria is needed for tomorrow....
apparently jack was told but i wasnt
and it hadnt been made and it is not a 2 minute job
i was stressing a bit as i didnt know what i was doing
the instructions might as well be written in chinese
and i had little time left + the other jobs that needed doing
but julia and jack helped me
we got there and was only a few minutes late
i felt anxious about coming home
just didnt want to fall into depression again
i told jack and he offered to have me over but i wasnt sure if it was his way of wanting to help or pitying me. besides i know he wanted to game tonight
so i told him id be fine
i got home
and surprise surprise i went to bed!
just knew i wouldnt see the evening through
had pizza when i got up
tomorrow
cant face tomorrow
got maggots and bacteria to sort
but on top of that a stupid introduction for new staff at the school...
ive been there 7 months
bit late?
julia is doing it along with a biology teacher whos been there since november
jack is hoping i can get out early as im only support staff so stuff isnt really needed for me
julia as she has children at the school, i will understand if she wants to do the whole day
as for me id rather support jack
theres free lunch but im taking my own i cant be doing with the stress of that
Millie had the vets today
to check why she has fur missing
the vet suspects molly has been pulling it out...
so were keeping an eye on em
but glad she doesnt need treatment
i cant remember if i showed last week's nail
but i had a lot of compliments
speaking of compliments
jack said hes getting fed up of being told how cool Jo is XD
im just that amazing
he said "no one tells me how cool i am"
i said "thats cus youre not, youre not even in the same league as me"
a few teachers from work have even added me on facebook
even tho i dont use it XD
Konbanwa
I slept alright I guess
but woke up at 1:30am to find quite a few txt messages on my phone...
and i think thats what woke me up -- my phone screen illuminating my room
it was Jack
Jack who had clearly had one too many
cus my god those text messages XD
quite amusing
all declaring his undying love for me
i txt him back saying "think youre drunk cus we dont usually say this stuff"
we aint a soppy couple
and he continued sharing his feelings
i said "you are gonna want to die in the morning when you read all this"
after a while a turned over and went to sleep
this morning i felt slightly better than what i had done the night before
i kinda thought 'new day' sorta thing
at 10am i got a txt from jack "oh my god"
i said "seen last night's damage have we?"
he said "god i had a lot. could be worse i guess. at least my drunken thoughts are of you"
which is true i guess at least hes not going round touching up other girls whilst drunk
no one compares to Jo you see XD
I needed to have a bit of me time
or to feel something
i felt so numb
so i went down to the river and walked a long side it
which usually calms any unease im feeling
but it didnt do a great deal for me
so i decided to go shopping
shopping usually makes people happy right?
so i walked round tk maxx with my ipod in
i picked up a cardigan, new school trousers, joggers, body spray, eyeshadow, night cream
none it i needed, well the cardigan i kinda need but none of it i needed
i just brought
i didnt try on ether
cant say it made me feel any better
i decided to go home
jack had text me to see if i wanted to join them for food but food wasnt doing it for me so i couldnt see the point in wasting more money so i said for them to go without me
i went to sleep after i had lunch
got a txt from jack at 3pm saying they were going pudding place did i want to come
i said there wasnt much point in coming out as id have to get home for school and stuff
they kinda begged for me to come out
but i told them to leave it
i laid on my bed a bit then sat outside with Oz and a brew like i did at breakfast
cant really taste anything today
pretty numb to the world
ive got drawing i should be at least making a start on
id like to start it tonight if i can as ive done nothing towards it
hopefully i will feel more of the world tomorrow
tomorrow is school
again
and it starts again
work, sleep, work, sleep
not much longer i guess
Evening
Got woke up at 7am by a crow on the roof outside my window...
on my day off too...
life is cruel
i got up anyway
had breakfast and stuff and had a brew with mum
then did some dancing which i found difficult but felt good to do
had a much needed shower
then i went to pet shop
got Oz two bags of food
4 bags of treats
and a bag of guinea food
then me and mum went to Currys and finally finally brought a new tablet
as ours is dying and is about 7 years old
so we got an Acer which was on offer and the same brand as my laptop
and my laptop is pushing 10 years so i know its a good make
also it came in rose gold!
im yet to have a go on it
but its bigger than the old one and better resolution so dances will look amazing!
i came back
went to sleep for 2 hours
got up for some food
got a txt from Jack "you were right, i didnt see the morning."
that was at 2:40pm
he said "i gotta go food shopping and tidy up but then you can come over"
i said "so its almost 3pm and you havent done anything yet?"
he said "no but it wont take me long"
went back to bed
got up and went for a walk which was quite nice
and bumped into my hairdresser
at 6pm jack said "you can come over in half hour"
i said "im staying home tonight but you guys have fun"
i was tired and not in the right frame of mind and couldnt be doing with going out and being nice to everyone then dealing with the noise of a bar
but mum said "why dont you go over and see him?"
i said "because if i go and say i dont want to go out, i will stop him from going out"
she said "but maybe he should want to spend that time with you instead of out drinking"
i said "i dont want his friends getting annoyed at him for not going out"
so im best of staying out the way
i went back on my bed and cried
for about 2 hours
just sadness really
fed up
tired
fed up of my illnesses
fed up of mental health issues
fed up of not being able to understand why jack even puts up with someone like me
just want to be as strong as everyone else
i didnt tell jack i was upset i told him i was fine
he said "do you want to come out for brunch with us tomorrow?"
i said "yeah i will try"
but hes already told me the other day that sunday he wants to play games all afternoon
which is fair enough, its his weekend
but if hes hungover he isnt gonna see the morning and if i make the effort and come out for food i wont be with him for long before he wants to play games
so all in all i cant see the point in going out tomorrow
ill just see him monday at work
i took a lot of painkillers
double my usual intake like last night
as it numbed everything brilliantly
a small dark part of myself wanted to take more
so i fall asleep and not feel anything for a long while
but i know thats stupid and dangerous so im not
but thats where my mentally has been today
down and low and wanting to be numb to the world
hopefully tomorrow will be better
Konbanwa~~~
Another week completed!!
Im not sure how I got through today but I have
and it ends another school week
just have 8 more school days to go before summer holidays!
school went quick
but i got to school and realised my lunch - porridge - had leaked all in my bag...
this is the second time that container has leaked on me
so it went straight in the bin
it meant i had no lunch tho apart from some grapes :/
the milk went all over my lanyard and phone...
so i cleaned up my phone best i could but it restarted in my hand...
then when it rebooted it had a headphone icon on it like there was headphones in
but there wasnt...
so im guessing it was milk inside it so i left to drain but nothing came out
and eventually the icon did go
i washed my lanyard in the sink at work as it stunk of milk
I had heart dissections to sort which went alright
I had time to do display work and I have stuff to
put up now so next time Im free I can actually put it up!
i will be sure to take a before after shot i think
I left dead on time
i wanted to get home
i was sweaty in our 27c prep room
and i had also got pig's blood up my arms
i mean i washed it off but i did feel somewhat unclean you know
but it was good to finish and get everything done
i released the maggots into the wild as well
so i dont have to think about them
need to get more on monday tho :/
i got home
showered
then put my milky school bag in the wash
hand washed my lanyard
cleaned my phone properly
stupid milk stupid container
i sat up the garden with Oz mum and some food
then i took A LOT of pain killers, more so than yesterday
i wanted to be numb
then i went to sleep for an hour
woke up feeling well off my head XD
had dinner then i mentioned i wanted to change the piercing i had done on 4th may
my brother offered to help as it looked tricky and fiddly
im so glad for his help as it took 2 pairs of pliers would you believe!
it had seized up and he couldnt grip it
eventually it was out and he changed it for the rose gold wing i brought ages ago
he was so careful with me not wanting to hurt me
but i told he was fine and not to worry
takes a lot to hurt me
plus the fact i was on so much nerve numbing pills i probably couldnt feel anything
even if i wanted to!
so now i have a pretty wing on my ear :3
i just hope my hair doesnt get too tangled in it!
tomorrow
im dancing in the morning
then im gonna go pets at home to get Oz food and some treats
then not sure what i will do
maybe sleep?
i will see jack later afternoon then we have a lads night out to attend
i do have a strong feeling i will be the only female going out XD
but ive missed the last 3 nights out so id like to be able to attend
and thats it really
Evening~~
I slept pretty well
got up for school
same old really
school was busy
and hot
working in a 27c humid glass house isnt pleasant to say the least
i struggled today
mentally and physically
i didnt want my lunch but after being nagged by jack and julia i did eat
just felt sick with anxiety
i ached god i ached so much
i was finding it hard to think, i was tired, in pain and hot
i just wanted to go home
to be honest i think if the day had gone on any longer i would have cried
Jack asked me "is everything ok, you're not your usually bubbly self"
i said "i am ok im just tired and in pain"
he said "you know im here for you and if theres anything i can do just say ok?"
its nice hes there but god knows why he cares so much sometimes
i feel like im not deserving of the job sometimes, like he should have employed someone more sciency and healthy
i didnt have to deal with the maggots personally today so that was one good thing
and someone brought cake in so that was a good pick me up
i left at 4pm before i keeled over
driving home i cried a bit to myself
i ached and was so tired
i knew it was a yoga night
and i knew mum wanted to go and heck i wanted to go
i want to do things for myself instead of work and sleep
but i got home i changed into pajamas and cried
mum listened and was sad to see me like that
but i just hit a wall and had had enough
as much as i enjoy work it does feel like im punishing my body by going there
im so done in
i feel asleep and my brother woke me as my mum had gone yoga by herself
so i did some food and took A LOT of pain relief
i just wanted to be numb and to stop feeling
and it worked some what but i feel quite sick
i needed to continue with jack's mug
so i did a bit more on that
and ive come up with a potential design
im gonna show mum and look at it again tomorrow
tomorrow
is school
god only knows how i will get through the day
im coming home after school im not staying at jack's
i know hes missed gaming and not having the internet so im letting him
get it out his system
besides i probably need the rest
im hoping he rests as he didnt go to bed til 1am cus he was playing games
honestly
like a sodding teenager
we have a night out with the guys on saturday and ive missed the last 3 due to bad health so im hoping i can join him for that
just got to get tomorrow out the way
