burned hand and withdrawal

Evening

alarm was needed this morning
i was dreaming about running
i can only imagine i looked like a dog dreaming...
so glad i was not sleeping next to anyone

school
my god school
got there and my first job was to dissolve starch, starch is a pain for me as its common in biology and therefor i have to use it a lot but its a total bugger to dissolve, it has be very hot to fully dissolve and you have to do it in small amount, just hate it
so i used boiling water and placed it on a hot plate which reached 90c 
i was there doing my job whilst head of biology was barking her orders in my ear
i was trying to dissolve the starch and listen
starch dissolved i went to turn the heat plate off via the plug socket
what did i do? i leaned on the hot plate with my hand didnt i
burned myself
quite bad
id only been there 10mins!!!
so i went straight to the tap as even I could feel that pain
usually burns im not arsed with but i knew id done damage
jack eventually saw and i told him and blamed it on head of biology after she left me to it
after 10 mins of being under the tape i said
"screw this i dont have time to sit by a tap"
i walked off and went to prep lessons, my hand stinging like mad
i heard jack shout "tap jo, tap!"
i was like "i havent got time!"
he said "i will finish your prep, now tap"
so i was there for 20mins under that tap and it was no better
the teachers bless em took their lessons through as they could see i was 'busy'
that was after id told jack what to prep
he sent me down to first aid they gave me an ice pack so i could at least walk around and then a bandage that i kept on for a total of 10 mins before it annoyed me
dont do plasters or bandages
they get in the way

later...
i was sweating, shaking, headachy
yup the withdrawal has begun! 
i felt like crap
and how much did i screw up!!! and if im honest it wasnt anything big
no big mistakes happen but even if i forgot to hand a textbook out i am hard on myself
i always expect better of myself
but there was soooo much to be done
and every time i asked jack for help he got collared by someone
so in the end the jobs he said he'd help me with, i had to do
i was tired
and the head of biology had a rant at me at the end of the day over something so so small
and id had enough
she said "you look tired"
i said "yeah well im going through withdrawal and its harder than i thought it'd be"
and left her lab
she later came to me and said she'd arranged her lessons tomorrow so i havent got loads of stuff to cart around so i kinda thought slightly better of her
only slightly
id had enough tho
and took myself off to a quiet area of the office and a few tears escaped
i was tired and felt like crap
jack found me and asked if i was alright
my usual reply is "im fine"
he said "well obviously youre not jo"
i said "Im struggling to keep up and i didnt think withdrawal would be THIS hard"
he said "maybe its best you dont drop another pain killer this weekend"
i didnt respond 
all day i had thoughts about overdosing
not kill myself over dosing
just enough to make me feel numb and to rid myself of the pain
i knew what tablets i had, where they were, what dosage
just this voice wearing me down as the day goes on
it became tempting to follow said voice
jack said i could leave early but with only 20 mins to go i stuck it out
luke saw me upset he was like "you stressed hun?"
i said "no im going through withdrawal and its hard"
he said "you alright to be round kids?"
i said "oh its medication not drugs!!" jeez XD
never thought about that kinda withdrawal
i left and went home crying whilst driving
woo
felt that good about myself and was that tired

when i got home mum asked if i was alright
and i told her about my day
and she said i didnt have to go yoga 
but i knew if i didnt go id only sleep and mope 
so i went
but it wasnt karen! we had supply!
she was good but made us hold positions for ages
my god im gonna hurt tomorrow >< 
i came back and had food 

school tomorrow
thank god its friday
but i have a crazy amount of work to do....
stupid amount of practicals happening its obscene 
but gotta get on with it i guess
my parents are going away
my mum doesnt want to leave me or millie
shes worried about both of us and seems keen for me to see jack
honestly im not that needy and not gonna do anything stupid

just want to sleep for hours and hours
i tried to make myself feel better tonight by ordering a few pieces of make up to try

dead kitty

Konbanwa

Totally forgot to do my diary yesterday
got to bed and only realised then i hadnt done it!

but yesterday was fine
was not in the mood for work tho i have to say
but it went fine considering i had left everything friday XD
i went and fetched my maggots as well
i got loads done ^^
when i came home i even managed 15 mins of dancing which was nice
and needed

today 
sent mia one of our vulgar text messages stating
"i want to see your fanny rash"
i later received one back saying she was laughing all morning about it
we sometimes send each other gross horrid text messages
its funny and shes the only one i can send them too 
work was fine really
i gave out my maggots XD
i got a display finished and was praised by head of science ^^
yesterday jack reset the prep room clock to the time of the school bell
which put the clock back a whole 4 mins!!!!
so i was determined today to put that right
so when he wasnt in the room i put it forward 4 mins!!! muhahaha
i am waiting for him to realise
so yesterday i left 4 mins late and today, back on time ;)

i got home and rested
i was sooo tired for some reason
millie had been back to the vets
today she seemed to be doing better
she has another week's worth of medication
hopefully she will make a full recovery but her weight is dropping...
she feels so small and thin and she was tiny to begin with

after dinner i had a doctors appointment 
i went about my hips how they crack and hurt
i have got to have them both x-rayed at the hospital 
but i know nothing will show
and when i said this to the doctor he basically said
my choices are pain relief and physiotherapy
well im trying to rid myself of pain killers
and ive had physiotherapy 
so this is yet another instance where Jo has to just 'live with it'
its very very depressing being told theres nothing to be done
i asked if i can take melatonin tablets
and he was against them
sayng theyre very addictive and only children with ADHD and elderly patients are given them
so i thought now that ive ordered them that i will save for them for the next insomnia period i will no doubt have 

i was fed up and went for my usual walk to the woods
where a bat flew right near my face i felt the breeze on my face thats how close it was!
love bats ^^
coming home i could see behind some houses on the path a cat laying down
but i looked into it's eyes and there was no light there
i could tell it was dead
i walked up to it, no one was around it was like 7:45pm
it wasnt breathing and there was like a pound coin's size worth of blood next to its face
i went to check the collar for a name tag
and the cat was still warm...
it was recent
i started to walk off, got down the road and ran back to the cat
i couldnt leave it like that
so i knocked on the door of the house i thought the driveway belonged to
and an elderly woman answered
i said "hi, i know this is random but do you own the garage round the back?" in my sweetest voice
she replied "yes"
i said "im sorry to say but theres a dead cat"
she was like "how awful, i dont own a cat but thanks for telling me"
i said "if you have a bag or anything i dont mind moving it, i work in biology, im used to this kinda thing"
so she came out and saw it, she didnt know whos it was
i started to bag it up and she said "so you're a biology student?"
*sigh* yes Jo may look like a 18 year old student but she isnt a student damn it -___-
a neighbour came out and saw us and said it might be another neightbour's cat so she went on knocked on a door and it turns out it was a family's cat
they were obviously upset and thanked us
turns out the cat was only a year old
poor thing
it was pristine tho
so i think it must have had a knock to the head, car hit it maybe?
who knows
but i did a good deed
i saw an owl on the way home
just full of animals on my way home it would seem
so yeah i picked up a dead cat tonight
not what i thought would happen on my usual walk
but  i couldnt leave it there, so close to a primary school, and not for an old woman to clear up

i came in and told mum about it as she was wondering where i had been
so now im just doing this then i will sit with oz and go bed

tomorrow just school really
and tara's birthday
i will be nervous to see if she likes the ponyta painting!

busy socialising weekend

Evening

To say I have had my new laptop 10 days now
this is the third time ive actually used it
and even so each time has only been for like 20 mins...
i really should use this more
i havent been on any laptop for a few days
just wasnt in the mood really

so ive been at school
which for my first week wasnt too bad at all actually
i even managed yoga after school on thursday
and i didnt go to sleep after school ether i dont think

friday i went to stay at jacks after school
we went out for thai food together
we talked about so much honestly
he talked to me about moving out and the logistics of it all
as he earns more than me but i have more savings than him
so money really and it was all stuff i ahd never considered 
but he clearly had
its good hes so level headed
from there we were gonna watch an anime film together at his
but we had to wait for theo to eat first and i nodded off twice
i nodded off again when jack got me a drink
and he said to save the film til the morning as i kept falling asleep
i slept pretty well, keep sleeping with his snorlax plush and it helps
i think its cus im used to having something to sleep with at home
he said that i fell asleep whilst he did his teeth but i wiggled up to his, robbed heat from him then turned away and fell deeper into sleep XD even in my sleep i latch onto his heat

saturday morning we ate pick n mix infront of the anime film
which i found boring i think it was called Origins
i fell asleep and fell asleep on jack no less, see latching on to heat source again
jack said him and theo were trying to not laugh at me sleeping
as we all know jo sleeps like a dog i whimper and twitch
its embarrassing as hell
but jack loves it and says its really cute >.> 
we went out for lunch we had noodles we went round a few shops
i only got some blank CDs 
i came home as theo was having his loud-sex-older-woman over
and i was not sticking around for that
i did come home at 7pm to find my brother bleaching his hair
he achieved white, never before has bleach turned it fully white
so that was odd to see

this morning i got up and went for a walk to the woods
then showered and went over to mia's for 11am
she talked to me about how she wanted rob to propose to her and her new puppy coming on the 20th
i left hers and came home for lunch then went over to tara's 
she had her dog Blue over and we all sat out on a picnic blanket in the garden as the weather was so lovely so that was nice, i handed her her birthday present which is on 11th 
i came home, exhausted 
too much socialising im not used to it!

went online and spent £50 on my health
2 x pairs of thermal compression socks from japan 
as last year's pair looks a lil tired to say the least
and a packet of 60 melatonin tablets to try from america
sucks being poorly
what a waste of money

millie still isnt right
and shes lost weight
shes going back to the vets on tuesday
i am concerned if im honest cus shes not right
but shes eating and trotting around 
were doing the best for her
Oz and molly are fine tho

tomorrow i have school
i have sooooo much to do in the morning
i left a load of stuff friday afternoon as i simply ran out of time
so i have microscopes to sort out
maggots to fetch
lessons to prep 
and other stuff to sort out
hopefully wont be too stressed with it all
jack is always around to help :)

i have made a new CD for my car for tomorrow
im doing my nails tonight
this time next week i drop another pain killer....

oh and thursday i had an embarrassing dyslexic moment
i was putting a display title up, just with bluetac luckily
i was spelling out - practicals
 a word in my line of work i should be able to spell
but oh no my dyslexia got the better of me and combine two words together
i spelt it as practicles like practicals + particles 
julia pointed it out to me at 10 mins before home time
a display which faces the head of science's lab - the guy who gave me my job
i yelled and was sooooo annoyed and embarrassed and didnt have time to fix it
so did it first thing friday morning
died of embarrassment 
but head of science didnt say anything 
hopefully he never noticed....  

Millie at the vets

Evening

so yesterday i got about 5 hours sleep
last night 4 hours
just couldnt sleep i was there til 1:30am wanting sleep
then having disturbed sleep
in the end my alarm saved me...
i was having a dream where i was tied to a chair sitting across a table
to a guy who was about to take a shed loads of pills - overdosing
i yelled at him to stop but it was like i wasnt there
just as he was about to start my alarm woke me
thank god
another dream in the night i found a dead body
go me -___-
why do i have such disturbing dreams!?

so i got ready for school
had to actually wear uniform today 
uniform sucks although i have quite a different take on mine
i have a japanese school uniform bow round my collar and i belt round my waist
dont like to blend in
and everyone at school like my fashion

got to school and sat out in the sun waiting til the last minute to go in
jack turned up he said "didnt sleep?"
i said "how did you know?"
he said "well you look like death"
i said "good morning to you too"

i got a txt from mum in the morning
saying shes had to take millie to the vets
shes got blood in her wee...
vet thinks its kidney stones possibly or just a urine infection
ether way shes on medication and has to go back in a week's time
poor minnie
i just wanted to come home and cuddle her
apparently she was very well behaved ^^

the day wasnt too bad
i did need help and guidance but that was alright really and i think i know what
im doing for a practical tomorrow
need to make 4 litres of hydrogen peroxide - easy - i think
i went outside during lunch just cus i needed air and to see the sun
at the end of the day i talked to the art teachers, borrowed some supplies and did some art
for the display not for myself XD
im starting the chemistry displays now
i waited a bit for jack but gave up and went home
swear that guy would live there if he could
he didnt even leave early yesterday he left at normal time of 4pm instead of the allowed insec day of 3:05pm, and he was in uniform
he is such a geek
nerd
why do i go out with him?

i got home
had a brew with mum and Oz
then i decided to get up and go for a walk
i needed fresh air
i was tired and knew id only fall asleep if i stayed there
and i had a bit of energy and pushed myself and went for a walk
i enjoyed it but got hot so showered when i came in

i wore my compression socks today
i havent worn them in months 
they do help with pain i have to say
but theyre a lil moth eaten so ive ordered some more
i also won a second hand pair of converse potentially for work
theyre just black and white but i think from the photos theyre fur lined
which i like as they dont rub my feet
i cant tell how used they are but hopefully should see me through one term
they were only £11 anyway
even tho i can afford to buy brand new converse now i still dont pay much for my clothes
ive never had money im not used to spending it!

this is the first entry in my diary done on my new laptop
need to spend time sorting out laptops
i currently have them both on my desk ><
i will sort it all out

tomorrow school really
nothing special
first of the actual science lessons begins
i hope millie is ok as well tomorrow
shes eating and seems fine in herself
it just causes her a bit of pain when she wees
bless her

not sure when i will have images to upload on my diary
theres like nothing on this laptop apart from software!

First day back

Evening

ahhh been up since 5am and i didnt sleep well
so damn tired
woke up and 5am and pain was far too much that i had to get up
and eventually got ready for my first day of school
staff were in, no students

we had assembly first just a hall full of staff
its a bit unreal how many members of staff there are
it was killing me sitting there, killing me
jack whispered in my ears "just leave for the toilet and have a long stretch"
but i was determined not to draw attention to myself
so i stayed put
we got free tea and biscuits X3
then more stuff in the hall
and then when support staff i.e. me could leave, i did

we got free lunch i has pasta
and from the moment of finishing my dinner at 12:30 i had crippling stomach ache
so we start this again
all i could think about was going home to the toilet -___-

i finished a display and did a few jobs
talked to staff about their holidays
we had a department meeting 
and that was about it really
noticed for next week's science lessons, maggots are needed...
i just looked at it and thought "im back"

i left as soon as i could
got home and ran to the toilet
and i was like it after my tea too
just struggling to eat and digest for the last week or so but not sure
if its just a side effect of coming off pain killers
pain killers im sorely missing 
my god do i ache
and i ache after walking 11k yesterday
all in all Jo is knackered

i was suppose to see tara after work
but all ive done is been curled up in a ball
im so tired and achy
i just wanted to shut the world out
ive had enough!
and its only monday! my god man
how am i gonna make it through the week!?

tomorrow should be fairly relaxed as only year 7 (first years) are in school
so nothing is needed 
just hope its not a boring day

here is a painting i did for a friend
its cute huh~~

i enjoy painting and enjoying doing stuff for people

last day of summer 2019

Evening

I took a sleeping tablet last night
one minute it was 10pm next it was 8:30am
did not feel like it had been that long it felt like 5mins id shut my eyes for
so yeah id slept!

I got ready this morning
as i was seeing jack and his friends
got to his at 12pm
we fetched lunch
i hadnt seen theo yet he hadnt emerged from his bedroom as he has his woman over
harvey turned up 
eventually theo and his woman came up stairs i said hello to her as i hadnt met her before
she seems nice enough
just must be weird for her being greeted by people 10 years younger than her XD

we went to a park and met james
we walked and had lunch by a lake in the sun
it was really fun and good actually
then we walked
and walked
and walked
my pain was rocketing until i told them sod it im getting a tea and sitting
and then i was going home
i could tell jack was getting a bit tense seeing me in pain
and he kept apologising saying he didnt think we were walking this far
my god the pain
i just about made it back
i went on jack's bed for 15-20mins got up and went home
we'd walked 11 kilometres 

i came back and had a shower and got as comfy as i could
and took a load of pain killers
i hurt now
but thats my life i pay for enjoying myself

and i have enjoyed myself
it was a good summer and good way to finish the summer too
i left jack to game with theo and finish his cigar with him
all stuff i didnt want to be apart of
im seeing him tomorrow at work anyway

ah yes i have work tomorrow
but whereas i usually do 8am - 4pm
im doing 8:30 - 3pm
so not as bad really and free lunch too
im wearing non-uni too, jack and julia are going in uniform but sod that
its insec day therefore im making the most of it!
joggers and tshirt 
then i might be seeing tara and giving her the ponyta painting for her birthday present
her birthday is 11th so i hope i can see her even for an hour

here is an eye shadow i got 

im on my old laptop but could have used my new one
i will blog hopefully on my new one
only been on it i think 5 mins XD

anyway thats summer 2019 over~~

Got my laptop!

Konbanwa~~

i finished Kyoukai no Kanata
it was alright but the last 2 episodes were weird i have to say and hard to follow

So yesterday I went into work
julia and jack were there
i mainly sat by myself in an air conditioned room
it was soooooo cold my skin was freezing
jack was like "you can turn it off you know"
i said "i know cus i was the one who turned it on"
just wanted to feel cold at work for a change
i got a fair amount done as i was by myself listening to my ipod
i saw luke he was in too i told him id probably feel anxious n my first day back
he said "it will be chill we'll get through it"
monday doesnt look too bad as its a slightly shorter day, no students and free lunch

me and jack went to his family's house where we fed the bunnies and cat
it was good to see his pets theyre so damn cute those bunnies
and the cat took a treat from my hand i felt her sand paper tongue 
from there we went to his house
we had pizza and stuff and went for a walk
and.....we got my laptop!!
yup i picked it up and prayed everything was alright with it

this morning was hard to motivate jack out of bed
that guy sleeps like the dead
i for one couldnt stay there any longer so i left him and came back later
my hips killed from sleeping in that bed
id also had disturbing dreams to say the least
i stabbed a rat with a pen i felt it pierce its squishy warm body
i also dreamed another dream of finding a dead body
it had been in water so it was bloated, the eyes had been removed and sockets sewn up crudely, it had bites marks on its body and the mouth had been melted to blend in with its face 
disturbing
god knows where i get this stuff from as i dont view or read anything horror related 
i woke jack up 40mins later he asked for 5 more mins but i was like
"jack i gave you 40 more minutes"
he was like "oh sorry, really? ill get up" and eventually he did
i was so knackered this morning tho
and he said it was like id withdrawn from life
without knowing i was curled up on his bed cuddling his snorlax plush staring into space
i do it at home but i guess its not a normal scene for him
he'll get used to it

i left his after lunch
we couldnt go out til he'd had a delivery 
so i was a lil bored and i wanted my own space if im honest
i just needed alone time
so i came home to an empty house
and i went to bed i was dead

i got up and spoke with my brother
we opened my laptop packaging together
its soooo nice and new looking
my current one looks well old XD its like double the thickness of the new one
i then sat with oz outside with a brew and went for a walk

had a shower and made food
been drawing since then
my brother has taken my laptop into his room to sort it out
no point in me doing it 
i havent even seen it on yet XD
got loads of time to go on it really

tonight i plan on taking a sleeping tablet
need to get into sleeping

tomorrow think im meeting up with jack and his friends 

here is a face acid i got from korea
it has great reviews for having the max allowance of acid korea will sell in a skin product
it says to use once a week and to moisturise afterwards
my god
it has stripped my skin off
its strong stuff and my face is sore!!! i will be careful in using it in the future
i did moisturise but this was days ago and its still sore and flaking!