molly' first day alone

Evening


ahhh soooo tired
ive been up since 4:30am as thats the time i woke up
and i knew i wouldnt get back off to sleep

school was alright
same old but i was able to stay on top if it all
spilt hot tea all over me and my lab coat
i hope my lab coat will wash out >< 
i need to bring it home for a wash
good job i was wearing it other wise i would have burned myself a lot worse
but yeah i did alright at work
a few hot and cold sweats but its to be expected

i got home and we had molly out
mum said she's been alright today bless her
and mum has said shes not sure whether she wants more pigs or not
so yeah we shall see

i fell asleep for an hour
i was shattered i really was
i still am i havent done a single thing since i got home
no walk or exercise or anything 
just too tired and worn out to even think

i cant stay over at jacks at the weekend
i can tell its annoying him now - theo and his loud sex woman
cus its not fair on jack and its stopping me staying over too
hes on about buying speakers for his computer and blasting out gross porn next time theo and his woman are at it XD 

i had to take one of my new piercings out my lobe as it hurt and was very sore
so i took it out and slept for an hour when i woke up it had healed round the back...
that fast! 
so i had to force and i mean force, an earring through
it was sooo painful like worse than getting it actually pierced
good job im good with pain
it bled a bit but it should be alright now

got through half the week
i can see the rest of the week through im sure
i want to continue with my painting
school and yoga tomorrow

Rest in peace my beloved Millie

What a day

Didn't sleep well
hot and cold sweats
longing for pain relief
thinking of millie

I woke up at 5am
and by 5:40am I was up
couldnt bare it any longer
i went to see Oz at 5:45 instead of the usual 6am
he looked at me like "what ungodly hour do you call this?"
he didnt lick me he just looked displeased XD
too early even for rabbits it would seem!

I didnt have time to sit with millie this morning
however i said morning to her and found molly cuddled next to her
my brother made the effort and carried her round the house whilst he got ready

school was fine to be honest
and jack said i seemed off
and eventually i told him that i made myself upset last night by looking at hip braces
how ugly they were, how i refuse to wear one, how my body is deteriorating
he said - Mr. logical as usual
"if you wore one now it might help your hips from worsening"
i said "im not wearing one, they ugly, unattractive and i dont want to feel that crippled so soon"
he said "if i had cancer and lost all my hair, would you treat me differently?"
i said "well no"
he said "why?"
i said "well you cant help that"
he said "how is that any different from your problems? you cant help what you have but you can help yourself"
i silently thought on
he said "Im not going to love you any less, i love you for you, it wont make any less attracted to you or treat you different"
man he annoys me at times 
he can see stuff so differently
so i relented and said id look into a hip brace even if i only wore it for work

i got all my lessons prepped for tomorrow
and had shed loads to do today but got it all done
i swear ive done 2 hours of washing up today
i left early so i could get home to millie

i got home and sat with her
she gave me licks but she looked so tired
mum says shes hardly eaten

we took her vets
and we said how she wasnt really eating or passing food and how unhappy she was
and the vet said as she hadnt responded to the medication it must be that she hasnt got kidney stones and its more likely to be a mass or tumour. he weighed her and she had lost 120g in week! she was only 900g to start (my smallest pig to date) so she'd lost a lot of weight
we said we'd like to put her to sleep which the vet agreed was kindest option
we waited
and he came out and said after he had put her to sleep - and her body relaxed
a lot of blood came out her bum. he said we had chosen the right decision
as hard as it was
i didnt cry
i knew what had to be done and i was just numb to the whole thing
my beloved millie
who has been a total total pleasure to know
such a gentle soul
she loved my rabbits and would always lick me and no one but me
always get alone with other pigs and just look like shes smiling
just a lovely lovely pig
and i connected with her the moment i saw her 4 years ago
thank you millie
you will be sadly missed
we loved you dearly and so did alice oz and molly

i came home and managed some food and went for a walk in the woods
even if it was dusk i needed to get out
then i came back and went for a spin in my brothers new car
country lanes in the dark at 80mph
wooo XD

tomorrow is school and same old really

i leave you with many precious pictures of my millie~~ 

my poor minnie

evening

i didnt sleep well
was in pain and dreaming of being in pain
but that is night one done of less pain killers
i woke up for work at 5:30am
couldnt wait to get up so i got a bit earlier
Oz still greeted me with licks

school was busy to say the least
thought it was gonna be quieter today
i got praised by head of science for the displays
and even art - that faces science in the corridors - has started doing it's displays
saying "we cant be out done by science"
but mine are loads better XD
i got a txt from mum at lunch saying millie really wasnt well...
i felt sick
i knew the conversation we'd be having when i got home...

jack was a bit stressy today
i tried not to let it bother me but sometimes i had to point out to him
that i wasnt stupid
sometimes the things he says or points out i have say "yeah i know" or "im not an idiot"
but i find he talks to me like that when hes stressed
he said he'd missed me over the weekend
but i couldnt bring myself to tell him id missed him
as it would have been a lie
i told him i missed his snorlax plush to cuddle
at the end of the day he walked out with me and  i said
"i need something to look forward to, we need to book to go somewhere during october half term" as we didnt actually go anywhere during summer
he just replied "yeah...i need to book that night out with friends in manchester"
so he skipped straight from us going somewhere, to a night out with his friends cus his mum brought him a games room voucher for his birthday that needs using by november
i guess it hurt a bit i walked off to my car

i got home and my mum told me whats what with millikins
shes bleeding worse, she weighs next to nothing, her eyes are sunken in and she just looks sick and boney 
so we came to conclusion that we've tried for her. and at tomorrow's appointment at 4:45pm we will have her put to sleep. its kindest thing to do. shes not happy
i sat with her, i laid down with her and she gave me her usual guinea kisses - something shes done from day 1. even after how crap she must be feeling she still gives affection as thats just the lovely soul millie is. im gutted. i know you shouldnt have favourites but millie has been my favourite piggie by far. 
i told jack and he says i can leave work early so i can go with mum to the vets
as i want to be there for both mum and millie
i just cant believe i have that to go through tomorrow
im not gonna want to come home after work

i depressed myself further by googling something the doctor suggested to me
basically hip braces
i googled it
and after staring at it for a few minutes
i left for my room and cried
theyre ugly, and everyone wearing them in the photos were old and retired 
how does that make me feel at 27? having to maybe wear something that old people wear because my body is deteriorating quicker than i thought it would
i dont want to wear them, certainly not yet
it makes me wonder why i continue to fight
why do i go on, why fight it, when im getting worse no matter what i do for myself?
will i have a shorter life span than my friends? will i even want to be alive come 40?
i just feel im dying, faster than everyone around me. everyone around me does nothing for their bodies, no one exercises religiously or takes medication. each day is so easy on them compared to me. i have to fight everyday
everyday for nine years
and where is it getting me?
bloody hip braces and a life of pain
i just want to take a load of pain relief 
not to die
but so im numb
i dont want to feel
when will i lose the will to fight?

as you can probably tell
not in the best of mind frames right now
i think ive been blanking how ive really been feeling and its all just piled down on me
i'll be alright
i dont want tomorrow's vet appt to come tho
poor minnie
molly will be alone as well... 

day of art

Konbanwa~~

I spent my evening with Oz the sofa
he was happily falling asleep
i took him to bed and pretty much went to bed myself 
i was tired

i woke up at midnight tho
aching
took a while to get back off to sleep but some how i achieved it
and didnt hear my brother come in with his girlfriend at 2am

i got up at 8am this morning
did my pet duties
then went for a walk in the woods
i did a little bit of dancing but felt too tired to do much
so went for a shower

cleaned up downstairs ready for mum and dad to come home
then i went to bed because i could XD
i got up and began my picture
didnt take long to draw out, but painting is taking a while
i forget the limitations of traditional art as opposed to digital art
but its kept me quiet and occupied 
not sure where the idea came from it just popped into my head

the katakana says "tick tock" 
i will probably get it finished next weekend

mum and dad came home
mum had brought me a cake
its sooooo sweet, i will finish it before bed XD
i told mum about millie
although millie seems to be eating a bit better today
shes still weeing blood tho...
just keep an eye on her and make sure she doesnt suffer

i decided not to see jack today
he asked if i wanted to go out for lunch
but in all honesty i jusst couldnt be bothered
i just wanted to please myself this weekend and do what i want to do
so i stayed at home
i think hes ok with it but i wont get away with another weekend alone for a while XD
ill see him at work tomorrow
its weird but usually i really want to see him but i havent really missed him this weekend
i havent missed anyone
usually i miss my mum when she goes away
ether ive been fine keeping myself busy or ive been blanking my emotions
that dead cat this week, i felt nothing for it, or for the family that mourned for it
maybe im dissociating myself again
it is hard to cope being in pain and coming off medication
i shouldnt blank myself off from the world tho
i need to try harder
speaking of medication i drop another one tonight....
im already aching but i swear its in my head, its probably the stress and thought of being on less medication and in more pain
but i want to try

tomorrow i have school
i plan to wear my new school trousers and twin tails X3

Molly Plush

Evening

I woke up at 7am by the sound of my stomach making awful noises
god knows whats up with that
but ether way i had to get up as i ached

so i got dressed and had breakfast then at 8am i went for a walk round the woods
it was nice as no one was around
i came home and found my brother and his girlfriend up and awake
so i talked with them a bit then i did some dancing
then had a shower

went on my laptop and was pretty much putting off the fact that
i had a guinea pig plush to make
it may seem an easy task but it involved me getting my old sewing machine out
the hoover out 
because faux fur is very very messy
i dont like using my good sewing machine for it as it gets clogged with fur
and the hoover is there for all the fur that comes away from cutting the guinea pig out
so i went to sleep for an hour XD

i had lunch - my second bowl of cereal of the day
then i got on with the guinea pig
was much quicker than i thought it'd be
so here we have the plush version of Molly

it just looks like a furry black blob! 
it is shaped but yeah the whole one colour thing doesnt do it any favours
but i now have a present for mum at xmas time as she doesnt know ive made it
i cant make it when shes around as she can tell what im doing when she sees faux fur and hoover

i sat and watched a comedy series til my brother left for the evening
him and his girlfriend have gone out to the city centre for someones birthday
drinking night out kinda thing
so i wont see him now til tomorrow morning when he awakes
so im home alone!
when he left i didnt want to be stuck in the house alone from 4pm
so i went for a walk down the river which was nice and peaceful
then i went round TK MAXX got some slippers and some school trousers 
i came back and did my dinner
two days straight of leftovers!

ive been making sure the pets have been ok
given millie her meds and sat with her
i dont think shes eaten a great deal today...ive given her every option of food i can
i just hope something took her fancy and molly hasnt just gorged herself
i hope she pulls through all this but shes not looking well at times
Oz has been out a lot today i dare not look at the condition of mums plants...

i have an idea for a piece of art work i want to do
but not sure on what media to use for it as of yet
i hope to start it ether tonight or tomorrow

think jack wanted to meet up today but he wouldnt come to me and i couldnt be arsed to go over to his so i pleased myself today
dont think i will see him tomorrow ether as i want to dance and do art
and why should i always be the one to make the effort 
i cant be bothered to be honest
ive quite enjoyed just pleasing myself this weekend and not being disturbed by anything or anyone
i will make up for it next weekend and spend time with him then

better day of biology success

otsukararesama deshita~~

i've been awake since 5:30am
what a long day....
anyway my morning was normal but knew mum and dad wouldnt be home
when i got back from school :/

school
it was a better day, no break downs
so busy tho
truly so busy -____-
luke had his first A-level practical to do
i had soooo much to prep for that it was untrue 
i also had the other classes to contend with who were doing practicals
with ether microscopes or food or both!
i had to make up a 'running solvent' - yeah god knows what that is or does!
it was made of 3 very flammable and volatile chemicals
cyclohexane, proponone, petroleum ether
so i had to do it carefully and was only allowed to store it away upstairs
in a spark-proof fridge
yeah complex stuff
i was told that the A-level practicals havent worked for years so if it screws up to not sweat over it, but today they worked!! i was thanked by luke and head of biology
finally praise from her instead of negativity 
yeah it was smiles all round at the end of the day
there was so much clearing up for me at the end of the day that come 3:30 i left it all and went home, its all soaking in a washing up bowl XD
ive done enough sodding washing up today damn it

i got home and i sat outside with Oz and the girls having a brew in the sun
then i did some dancing 
then a shower
and i sat and watched a comedy series for a bit 
did my dinner, did some yoga, talked with brother and his girlfriend
sat with Oz watching tv but soon grew bored of that
tv is very dull

millie has lost weight she feels so small and light
but shes eating and its passing through her so im unsure why shes losing weight
mum i could tell didnt want to leave her or me for that matter

tomorrow
not sure what im doing tomorrow
i know i do have a toy guinea pig to make for mum for christmas
its the only time i can do it is when shes away as it takes a few hours
and makes such a mess with the fur and such 
so i do have that to do
might dance as well
and not sure what else
i still have stuff on my laptops to sort
jack was on about meeting up but we never confirmed anything 
so who knows really 
see how the day takes me 

burned hand and withdrawal

Evening

alarm was needed this morning
i was dreaming about running
i can only imagine i looked like a dog dreaming...
so glad i was not sleeping next to anyone

school
my god school
got there and my first job was to dissolve starch, starch is a pain for me as its common in biology and therefor i have to use it a lot but its a total bugger to dissolve, it has be very hot to fully dissolve and you have to do it in small amount, just hate it
so i used boiling water and placed it on a hot plate which reached 90c 
i was there doing my job whilst head of biology was barking her orders in my ear
i was trying to dissolve the starch and listen
starch dissolved i went to turn the heat plate off via the plug socket
what did i do? i leaned on the hot plate with my hand didnt i
burned myself
quite bad
id only been there 10mins!!!
so i went straight to the tap as even I could feel that pain
usually burns im not arsed with but i knew id done damage
jack eventually saw and i told him and blamed it on head of biology after she left me to it
after 10 mins of being under the tape i said
"screw this i dont have time to sit by a tap"
i walked off and went to prep lessons, my hand stinging like mad
i heard jack shout "tap jo, tap!"
i was like "i havent got time!"
he said "i will finish your prep, now tap"
so i was there for 20mins under that tap and it was no better
the teachers bless em took their lessons through as they could see i was 'busy'
that was after id told jack what to prep
he sent me down to first aid they gave me an ice pack so i could at least walk around and then a bandage that i kept on for a total of 10 mins before it annoyed me
dont do plasters or bandages
they get in the way

later...
i was sweating, shaking, headachy
yup the withdrawal has begun! 
i felt like crap
and how much did i screw up!!! and if im honest it wasnt anything big
no big mistakes happen but even if i forgot to hand a textbook out i am hard on myself
i always expect better of myself
but there was soooo much to be done
and every time i asked jack for help he got collared by someone
so in the end the jobs he said he'd help me with, i had to do
i was tired
and the head of biology had a rant at me at the end of the day over something so so small
and id had enough
she said "you look tired"
i said "yeah well im going through withdrawal and its harder than i thought it'd be"
and left her lab
she later came to me and said she'd arranged her lessons tomorrow so i havent got loads of stuff to cart around so i kinda thought slightly better of her
only slightly
id had enough tho
and took myself off to a quiet area of the office and a few tears escaped
i was tired and felt like crap
jack found me and asked if i was alright
my usual reply is "im fine"
he said "well obviously youre not jo"
i said "Im struggling to keep up and i didnt think withdrawal would be THIS hard"
he said "maybe its best you dont drop another pain killer this weekend"
i didnt respond 
all day i had thoughts about overdosing
not kill myself over dosing
just enough to make me feel numb and to rid myself of the pain
i knew what tablets i had, where they were, what dosage
just this voice wearing me down as the day goes on
it became tempting to follow said voice
jack said i could leave early but with only 20 mins to go i stuck it out
luke saw me upset he was like "you stressed hun?"
i said "no im going through withdrawal and its hard"
he said "you alright to be round kids?"
i said "oh its medication not drugs!!" jeez XD
never thought about that kinda withdrawal
i left and went home crying whilst driving
woo
felt that good about myself and was that tired

when i got home mum asked if i was alright
and i told her about my day
and she said i didnt have to go yoga 
but i knew if i didnt go id only sleep and mope 
so i went
but it wasnt karen! we had supply!
she was good but made us hold positions for ages
my god im gonna hurt tomorrow >< 
i came back and had food 

school tomorrow
thank god its friday
but i have a crazy amount of work to do....
stupid amount of practicals happening its obscene 
but gotta get on with it i guess
my parents are going away
my mum doesnt want to leave me or millie
shes worried about both of us and seems keen for me to see jack
honestly im not that needy and not gonna do anything stupid

just want to sleep for hours and hours
i tried to make myself feel better tonight by ordering a few pieces of make up to try