Evening
I woke up at 8am
my god the state of my bed...what had i been doing in my sleep!?
bottom sheet was off, the duvet pulled away from the wall and frame, plushes everywhere and on the floor, it was a mess
god knows what i had been doing
i got up and went to put pets out but it started raining
and rained all morning
i was gonna see mia at 10am but she rang to say rob's parents had invited themselves over
and would i mind coming over later as its not the same as you cant talk how you normally want to in front of parents. that was fine with me as all i was doing today was painting
which i can say i have finished!!
its alright i guess
i just dont feel im improving
i asked jack if he thinks the art teacher at school would mind giving me some pointers
so i might take my sketchbook in tomorrow
after i finished painting
i feel asleep, woke up and went mias for a few hours
met walter the whippet
who was like Bambi, his muscles havent developed so he cant do what he wants to do
its very sweet but he will soon grow and develop that im sure
todd was there too who was asleep on the sofa the entire time
its good hes being so good with walter what with him being such an old dog
i left there and had dinner when i came home
rolled around in pain for a bit
my god i ache
and im hoping its cus i havent done any exercise today or that i did a lot of exercise yesterday
i could not be bothered to do anything tho
im tired so tired and in pain
its hard to do anything
but somehow i forced myself to go for a walk then did a bit of yoga
cant say i feel much better so i might treat myself to some pain killers tonight
im on my last week of medication!
literally counting the days
days until im free
free after 9 years of poisoning myself with them
i need to celebrate when im off them
cant wait for my bed
im gonna sit with oz and do my nails and go bed
ive had enough
tomorrow is school
ive got such a busy day at that
ive gotta be on it tomorrow otherwise i could easily make a lot of bad mistakes
got all the compost in my car to take out too
wish me luck
Evening
yesterday was work
it wasnt too bad a bit boring at times
my god my monday looks hectic i dont want to go
i made up the chemicals i wasnt looking forward to doing
took me a while and i had to use maths, i made mess but i did it
a little achievement as i didnt need any help
jack wrote what chemicals i needed, julia helped me find them
and off i went
theyre in the fridge now ready to be used
i wrote down instructions for me next time so i know what im doing
jack was being his usual jerky self and says stuff to me in front of staff
its amazing how many members of staff back me up tho to say hes been there years
before me everyone takes my side
he told me after i'd left that head of physics had said "you've got to stop being so mean to jo"
jack was like "yeah ok i will" XD
everyone likes jo~
i came home as we'd got plans to go out with
rebecca and alan in the evening
so i got ready and it turned out that alan couldnt spare the time
so the evening was cancelled
but jack text me to say we could still go out
and thats what we did
we went for an amazing pizza
we were gonna go for dessert afterwards but we both agreed that we
would only be forcing it down ourselves
so we went home, intent to watch a film
we sat talking with theo a while
then laid on his bed and he fell asleep
i asked him if he was tired and he said "no no im fine" sleepily
so i left him it was 11pm and i went to take tablets and get ready for bed
i came back half an hour later to find he was just gone
light was on, he was dressed and hadnt done his teeth
i just turned off the light and crawled into bed and cuddled the snorlax plush
jack didnt stir much so yeah he was obviously tired
in the morning
god he took ages to motivate
hes worse than a woman to get out the house
we spent time on his bed tho cuddling up which was nice as we havent done that in a few weeks as we havent met up and we dont touch each other at work
i said "i cuddled snorlax all night"
he said "i know...if he had a strap on then you could just replace me with him"
i laughed
and he said "Straplax"
i died at this just laughing
i said "dont give him a porn star name! youre ruining him!"
he was laughing
he said "next time you're over straplax will just be waiting on the bed with a strap on on"
i went upstairs and told theo
and he said "what dont you want to explore straplax's 15 inches?"
i said "15 inches!?"
theo said "look jo we've talked him down to 15 inches"
i was laughing so much
and then they were both googling strap ons....
just ew
the things that exist in this world is grim
but poor snorlax
we eventually left for the garden centre as i needed stuff for work
and got all i needed
then i took him to a different garden centre so he could get a plant for his nan
then he said "theo has harvey over, shall we go for dessert?"
i said "im not fussed i need to do a walk or exercise"
he said "we cant do both as harvey goes at 4pm"
i could tell he wanted to see his friends and i kinda needed space to myself
so i dropped him off, he was sad i wasnt spending time with him and his friends
but we didnt get out til 1pm cus he was faffing so id wasted half my saturday
and walking round busy hot city centre going for a dessert i didnt want didnt sound like my idea of a good way to spend a precious weekend
so i dropped him off
came home
danced for an hour
then went for a walk as it was so sunny and had a lovely warm breeze
i came back and my brother came home
i was laying on the brick wall in the garden
it was a much better way to spend my time
such freedom to do what i want
i had a shower, pajamas and laid on my bed
im really tired now tho i have to say
cant wait for bed
tomorrow i had been invited to go birmingham with jack and his family for his nan and mums birthday but ive played 'happy families' with my own family years ago and found it boring and i dont want to waste my sunday
that may seem selfish but even jack has told me not to go as its gonna be boring
he doesnt want to go
he said "theyre more bothered if youre going than if im going!"
i laughed
also, sitting for almost 2 hours in the car to birmingham, then sitting round his nans, then sitting for almost 2 hours coming home in the evening and having work in the morning
is a BIG ask for me
im gonna be in such pain and i told jack that he said "really, dont come"
so instead im going to finish my painting i started last weekend
im soooo looking forward to it i have to say!
but before i can paint im seeing mia in the morning
im meeting her new Whippet puppy she got on friday
shes named it Walter....
walter whippet
should be cute anyway
i keep watching the dance for dreamcatcher's breaking out
its so hard but i want the challenge
i got a new make up eye shadow pallet from USA this week
not used it yet but i can not wait to have ago with some of these colours!!!
Konbanwa
last night we noticed molly had a bit of a wet eye
we checked and couldnt see anything
we said we would see how it was in the morning
another morning of not needing the alarm
honestly
i woke up at 5:40am so not too bad for me really
work
my god work
god did i screw up big style this morning
it was one thing after another
never ending
but i got there in the end
i sat outside during lunch by myself as it was sunny
i soon left as soon at it hit 4pm
left the prep room floor to dry as i mopped it
it was so dirty
i was sooooooo tired
i was even tempted to come home this afternoon as i just felt off and tired
but stuck it out, i was glad to get home
mum had taken molly mole to the vets
shes got an eye infection so ive got to give her drops twice a day
poor molly
mum is fed up of vet bills ><
i hope Oz doesnt make it the third pet at the vets this month!
i started falling asleep on the sofa
and said i wasnt going yoga even tho mum had gotten ready
id had enough
i was tired and in a lot of pain
dad said "go you bone idle git"
fine yeesh
so i dragged myself there
it was hard work but somehow i did it
now im truly ready for bed
im dead
i hope i get through tomorrow
cant wait for weekend tho i have to say
need time to recover after my week
tomorrow its just work
got some practicals to prep for next week ones im not certain about
but jack says he'd help me
this afternoon was slow at work i hope tomorrow goes quickly enough
see how molly is tomorrow
Oz sniffed her on my knee but didnt lick her
he always liked millie
misses millie
i ordered a hip brace, should come next week
give it a go i guess
yet more money wasted on health care products
Evening
ahhh soooo tired
ive been up since 4:30am as thats the time i woke up
and i knew i wouldnt get back off to sleep
school was alright
same old but i was able to stay on top if it all
spilt hot tea all over me and my lab coat
i hope my lab coat will wash out ><
i need to bring it home for a wash
good job i was wearing it other wise i would have burned myself a lot worse
but yeah i did alright at work
a few hot and cold sweats but its to be expected
i got home and we had molly out
mum said she's been alright today bless her
and mum has said shes not sure whether she wants more pigs or not
so yeah we shall see
i fell asleep for an hour
i was shattered i really was
i still am i havent done a single thing since i got home
no walk or exercise or anything
just too tired and worn out to even think
i cant stay over at jacks at the weekend
i can tell its annoying him now - theo and his loud sex woman
cus its not fair on jack and its stopping me staying over too
hes on about buying speakers for his computer and blasting out gross porn next time theo and his woman are at it XD
i had to take one of my new piercings out my lobe as it hurt and was very sore
so i took it out and slept for an hour when i woke up it had healed round the back...
that fast!
so i had to force and i mean force, an earring through
it was sooo painful like worse than getting it actually pierced
good job im good with pain
it bled a bit but it should be alright now
got through half the week
i can see the rest of the week through im sure
i want to continue with my painting
school and yoga tomorrow
What a day
Didn't sleep well
hot and cold sweats
longing for pain relief
thinking of millie
I woke up at 5am
and by 5:40am I was up
couldnt bare it any longer
i went to see Oz at 5:45 instead of the usual 6am
he looked at me like "what ungodly hour do you call this?"
he didnt lick me he just looked displeased XD
too early even for rabbits it would seem!
I didnt have time to sit with millie this morning
however i said morning to her and found molly cuddled next to her
my brother made the effort and carried her round the house whilst he got ready
school was fine to be honest
and jack said i seemed off
and eventually i told him that i made myself upset last night by looking at hip braces
how ugly they were, how i refuse to wear one, how my body is deteriorating
he said - Mr. logical as usual
"if you wore one now it might help your hips from worsening"
i said "im not wearing one, they ugly, unattractive and i dont want to feel that crippled so soon"
he said "if i had cancer and lost all my hair, would you treat me differently?"
i said "well no"
he said "why?"
i said "well you cant help that"
he said "how is that any different from your problems? you cant help what you have but you can help yourself"
i silently thought on
he said "Im not going to love you any less, i love you for you, it wont make any less attracted to you or treat you different"
man he annoys me at times
he can see stuff so differently
so i relented and said id look into a hip brace even if i only wore it for work
i got all my lessons prepped for tomorrow
and had shed loads to do today but got it all done
i swear ive done 2 hours of washing up today
i left early so i could get home to millie
i got home and sat with her
she gave me licks but she looked so tired
mum says shes hardly eaten
we took her vets
and we said how she wasnt really eating or passing food and how unhappy she was
and the vet said as she hadnt responded to the medication it must be that she hasnt got kidney stones and its more likely to be a mass or tumour. he weighed her and she had lost 120g in week! she was only 900g to start (my smallest pig to date) so she'd lost a lot of weight
we said we'd like to put her to sleep which the vet agreed was kindest option
we waited
and he came out and said after he had put her to sleep - and her body relaxed
a lot of blood came out her bum. he said we had chosen the right decision
as hard as it was
i didnt cry
i knew what had to be done and i was just numb to the whole thing
my beloved millie
who has been a total total pleasure to know
such a gentle soul
she loved my rabbits and would always lick me and no one but me
always get alone with other pigs and just look like shes smiling
just a lovely lovely pig
and i connected with her the moment i saw her 4 years ago
thank you millie
you will be sadly missed
we loved you dearly and so did alice oz and molly
i came home and managed some food and went for a walk in the woods
even if it was dusk i needed to get out
then i came back and went for a spin in my brothers new car
country lanes in the dark at 80mph
wooo XD
tomorrow is school and same old really
i leave you with many precious pictures of my millie~~
evening
i didnt sleep well
was in pain and dreaming of being in pain
but that is night one done of less pain killers
i woke up for work at 5:30am
couldnt wait to get up so i got a bit earlier
Oz still greeted me with licks
school was busy to say the least
thought it was gonna be quieter today
i got praised by head of science for the displays
and even art - that faces science in the corridors - has started doing it's displays
saying "we cant be out done by science"
but mine are loads better XD
i got a txt from mum at lunch saying millie really wasnt well...
i felt sick
i knew the conversation we'd be having when i got home...
jack was a bit stressy today
i tried not to let it bother me but sometimes i had to point out to him
that i wasnt stupid
sometimes the things he says or points out i have say "yeah i know" or "im not an idiot"
but i find he talks to me like that when hes stressed
he said he'd missed me over the weekend
but i couldnt bring myself to tell him id missed him
as it would have been a lie
i told him i missed his snorlax plush to cuddle
at the end of the day he walked out with me and i said
"i need something to look forward to, we need to book to go somewhere during october half term" as we didnt actually go anywhere during summer
he just replied "yeah...i need to book that night out with friends in manchester"
so he skipped straight from us going somewhere, to a night out with his friends cus his mum brought him a games room voucher for his birthday that needs using by november
i guess it hurt a bit i walked off to my car
i got home and my mum told me whats what with millikins
shes bleeding worse, she weighs next to nothing, her eyes are sunken in and she just looks sick and boney
so we came to conclusion that we've tried for her. and at tomorrow's appointment at 4:45pm we will have her put to sleep. its kindest thing to do. shes not happy
i sat with her, i laid down with her and she gave me her usual guinea kisses - something shes done from day 1. even after how crap she must be feeling she still gives affection as thats just the lovely soul millie is. im gutted. i know you shouldnt have favourites but millie has been my favourite piggie by far.
i told jack and he says i can leave work early so i can go with mum to the vets
as i want to be there for both mum and millie
i just cant believe i have that to go through tomorrow
im not gonna want to come home after work
i depressed myself further by googling something the doctor suggested to me
basically hip braces
i googled it
and after staring at it for a few minutes
i left for my room and cried
theyre ugly, and everyone wearing them in the photos were old and retired
how does that make me feel at 27? having to maybe wear something that old people wear because my body is deteriorating quicker than i thought it would
i dont want to wear them, certainly not yet
it makes me wonder why i continue to fight
why do i go on, why fight it, when im getting worse no matter what i do for myself?
will i have a shorter life span than my friends? will i even want to be alive come 40?
i just feel im dying, faster than everyone around me. everyone around me does nothing for their bodies, no one exercises religiously or takes medication. each day is so easy on them compared to me. i have to fight everyday
everyday for nine years
and where is it getting me?
bloody hip braces and a life of pain
i just want to take a load of pain relief
not to die
but so im numb
i dont want to feel
when will i lose the will to fight?
as you can probably tell
not in the best of mind frames right now
i think ive been blanking how ive really been feeling and its all just piled down on me
i'll be alright
i dont want tomorrow's vet appt to come tho
poor minnie
molly will be alone as well...
Konbanwa~~
I spent my evening with Oz the sofa
he was happily falling asleep
i took him to bed and pretty much went to bed myself
i was tired
i woke up at midnight tho
aching
took a while to get back off to sleep but some how i achieved it
and didnt hear my brother come in with his girlfriend at 2am
i got up at 8am this morning
did my pet duties
then went for a walk in the woods
i did a little bit of dancing but felt too tired to do much
so went for a shower
cleaned up downstairs ready for mum and dad to come home
then i went to bed because i could XD
i got up and began my picture
didnt take long to draw out, but painting is taking a while
i forget the limitations of traditional art as opposed to digital art
but its kept me quiet and occupied
not sure where the idea came from it just popped into my head
the katakana says "tick tock"
i will probably get it finished next weekend
mum and dad came home
mum had brought me a cake
its sooooo sweet, i will finish it before bed XD
i told mum about millie
although millie seems to be eating a bit better today
shes still weeing blood tho...
just keep an eye on her and make sure she doesnt suffer
i decided not to see jack today
he asked if i wanted to go out for lunch
but in all honesty i jusst couldnt be bothered
i just wanted to please myself this weekend and do what i want to do
so i stayed at home
i think hes ok with it but i wont get away with another weekend alone for a while XD
ill see him at work tomorrow
its weird but usually i really want to see him but i havent really missed him this weekend
i havent missed anyone
usually i miss my mum when she goes away
ether ive been fine keeping myself busy or ive been blanking my emotions
that dead cat this week, i felt nothing for it, or for the family that mourned for it
maybe im dissociating myself again
it is hard to cope being in pain and coming off medication
i shouldnt blank myself off from the world tho
i need to try harder
speaking of medication i drop another one tonight....
im already aching but i swear its in my head, its probably the stress and thought of being on less medication and in more pain
but i want to try
tomorrow i have school
i plan to wear my new school trousers and twin tails X3
