Evening
Jo is still dead...
but it's Oz's 3rd birthday!
As I went to bed last night I had to run to the toilet feeling like i was gonna throw up
mum heard me and brought me a cold flannel and water
its horrid and i was dripping in sweat, my stomach full on hurt
from then which i think it was 9:30pm i kept getting that feeling til 1am
i was so tired and worried about actually being sick
just all of a sudden youre like "i am gonna be sick"
your mouth pools with an ungodly amount of saliva and your stomach burns
but yet i keep my guts in
i woke up at 9am it was nice not having to wake up early and call in as jack said he'd handle that for me and let me sleep in.
i literally did nothing all morning
i mean it was my Ozwald's birthday so of course i went out to him but he was more interested in taking down a dead plant, like rabbit on a mission whereas usually he likes fuss
so i took a few birthday photos and left him to it really XD you can tell he even looks busy on the photos
i came inside and just really didnt do a lot but felt i should shower so i did that
i wrapped mum's birthday presents up so i feel i achieved something today
i havent done her a card yet but i have til 26th
i made myself stir fry for lunch which was nice
then i spent probably something in the region of 2-3 hours researching
basically for a while now i have struggled to look at my reflection but more so for the last few weeks as i feel i just look really sickly and almost zombie like. i havent even been bothering with make up as i think 'whats the point'
and its quite depressing actually
i had been watching jpop music videos in the morning and i was sat looking at them and thinking "what is it i envy right now?" apart from their ability to sing, dance, and speak japanese
it was their appearance i envied and i dont mean the whole beauty thing as im not like that
it was the fact they looked healthy
their skin glowed and there was no dark spots under the eyes and tiredness in the face
they just looked well
and i havent, for weeks.
without pulling myself to pieces here is what is up
my skin is dry an dull, im dark and drawn under the eyes. my eyelids are sore (from rubbing them and crying) my lips are sore and pale. i look tired. my skin in ether not repairing or taking a life time to recover the most basic of marks
so i researched into how the skin heals, what it uses like vitamins etc, what foods have these vitamins in. ordered a vitamin online (already taking 2 vitamins) researched into recipes i can eat with these foods in.
also looked at beauty products to try and 'help' my skin look better, i do not want to mask the problem but i feel i need all the help i can get. so i ordered a few creams/lotions to try
and ways of covering up darker skin
its all because of this auto immune disease, as im not absorbing my food im not getting everything i need to heal my body and its going on for so long that im just looking dreadful
you'd think that eating my weight in fruit and veg every day my skin would be glowing! just shows im not absorbing anything
but i have things to try now, well when ive eaten the food and the stuff has come in the post
i looked today at dates
14th february is the last day this term - a friday
16th february is mine and jack's 1st anniversary - a sunday
id like to something for it, i know we're gonna do japan and stuff so we need money but you can do stuff cheaply enough.
i have been wanting to go back to lumsdale valley for a while now but just been too poorly or busy. so i had a look at the Inn thats near there and for 15th - 16th it was £70 a night
to go on the monday 17th til 18th it was only £50
so i booked it, not paid for it
i thought we can stay there the night and see the waterfalls and have a meal out somewhere
so then we're doing something in the half term holiday AND celebrating our anniversary
i havent told jack yet but im sure he will be cool with it
i have my birthday on 7th and i have no idea about that one ^^;
i keep trying to think but nothing springs to mind
at least i have the waterfalls to look forward to
i brought Oz in and showed him his birthday present - a treat stick
basically stuck on dried veg and cereal on a stick he has never had one before
showed it him, he hopped off -___-
as much interest as that Oz?
spoiled bunny
i helped mum with dinner and wrote down stuff i want from the supermarket so i can try a few things out
just yeah not done much today
i made a start on my terrarium, it literally ate everything i brought for it 0.0 i really thought id have stones and coloured sand left over but nope. its looking pretty but i need my soil/sand mix and cactus from work. damn it i need to get back there so i can complete the terrarium
impressed with myself for not going to sleep today tho
ive tried to keep Oz happy today i've let him play out, see the girls, gave him fuss. gave him digestive biscuits (well mum shared hers with him) and i will see him later
but ive just been too dead to do much with him
i think hes fine tho he seems happy
i cant believe hes 3 already
he has outlived tiffin before him
i hope Ozwald gives me many more years ^^
tomorrow i am not going school
as if im honest im not much better
its an impressive virus
ive only had to run to the toilet once today thinking i was gonna be sick
i hope it stays that way
but my dizziness is still there, it has only come on during the evening tho and not had it all day
small improvements. food has literally passed through me today tho
i have done no exercise at all, nothing
i need to do my physio ones tonight but my god i have no idea how i will achieve such a feat.
another dull, waste of life day tomorrow coming up
Evening
Jo is dead.....
I slept semi-well i guess
i had bad dreams which seems to be a theme lately
my parents said i was coughing a lot in the night but i dont recall that
so i must have been choking in my sleep
i was awake at 5am almost like my subconscious mind didnt trust the alarm to go off
getting ready for school felt so alien like i hadnt done it in months
when its only been two weeks
i didnt feel too bad when i first got up
i had a turkey pattie for breakfast
woo starting the day with meat
i felt rotten tho but i was going
as i started to drive tho my dizziness came back full on
i think it was my tablets had kicked in and yeah i felt like crap
saw jack and he looked instantly concerned
i couldnt even be bothered to look happy for people
and they said i sounded full of cold and looked rough
i got on with my day i took breaks and didnt do loads
i tended to my plants that looked quite wilted :(
but what made me happy was that i had managed to grow bacteria!
it worked! i though it hadnt but i think it just needed longer to grow
i printed off my phantom and stuck it on the fridge it looks really good and cheers me up
but did start feeling unwell i had to practically lay down at one point
then at 2pm me and jack decided to take the rubbish out
he said he was fine by himself but i wanted the air
we got in the lift with the trolley and it opened up and outside - not waiting for the lift - were staff members were close to, and what did i decide to do? practically fainted i mean i could have probably passed out a few seconds
just legs went body went i had them all lending a hand getting me laid out on the floor whilst i shivered and shook away
i was wheel chaired off to the nurse's office -___- this is not how i wanted to start my term
i told people i havent been well and they all say the same thing "why did you come in?"
cus its work and normality and ive spent enough of my holidays pinned up in my room in my bed cus im poorly all the time. i want to go to work. i want to continue with my life
instead of giving in and letting sickness rule my life
so i stayed on the nurse's couch (which i am very familiar with now) for 90 mins
by which time it was almost home time anyway
so cus i didnt want to involve my parents i told them i was driving home
jack didnt look happy and nether did chris and chris went to fetch me biscuits
ah biscuits i remember those
i actually didnt want them tho i wanted to be good
but i needed to get home
so i ate a few i cant say i even enjoyed them
jack decided to come home with me and take the bus home
he felt better doing that
my driving was alright i was just exhausted
so we got back to here and had a brew and a sit
and jack decided to go home
he and chris both said i best not dare turn up tomorrow
life sucks its gonna be so boring being home alone all day
i made stir fry for dinner minus the noodles of course
but i enjoyed it as it was a meal with out sweet potato or coconut!
then i laid on the sofa for a while but i got up suddenly and ran to the sink as i actually thought i was gonna throw up, i didnt thank god
mum felt me and said i was roasting and sweating i had a fever of 39c so not too bad
i have since died on the toilet a few times, could that be the biscuits? cus ive been fine all week and i eat some biscuits and get full on gut complaints
im tired, feel like crap, look like crap and fed up of feeling like crap
ive had enough!
tomorrow will suck
the only good thing about tomorrow is that it is my Oz's 3rd birthday so at least i can fuss and treat him :)
Evening
ahhhh Jo has not been well
sooo dizzy and feeling sick
its been awful
im so damn tired too and its not from lack of sleep ether
i know i have a cold and cruddy diet but this is damn stupid
yesterday pretty much did nothing as i was just poorly
i came home for some more medication with jack
then stayed at jacks for the night
just didnt want to be in my prison of a bedroom
we havent done anything just because im sick
and i have work tomorrow!!!!
im constantly having to think about food tho
this diet is very hard work i have to say
and im having meat with every meal including breakfast
its just numbing
ive had enough of the taste of coconut as everything in this damn AIP diet
is made with coconut!!!!!
soul destroying
jack has pretty much ate the same meals as me lately which makes it easier
hes just added to his nicer food XD
i made crisps today which turned out well
didnt google it or anything just randomly tried it
i had a look last night of the last 20 items i have ordered online
and it was quite sad actually as apart from christmas gifts
my last 20 items looked like something a 45 year old woman would be
interested it, literally just creams, face products, health products
like nothing fun or interesting
just stuff to maintain myself or make myself look healthier
slightly soul destroying that
im only 27 i need to have a long hard look at myself
where did the Jo go that ordered anime figures and games
i pity myself at times
well tomorrow marks off a week that i would have been on this diet
and i have stuck to it 100%
i feel like ive lost half a stone tho i actually do feel like ive lost weight
i have no idea if i have or not as i am not weighing myself as im not getting involved with that, that isnt what this is about for me
and in a week i have had stomach pains 3 times. so out of all those meals that is good
and it wasnt the horrific pain it was ether it was just a bit of pain
so i think something is working
its just horrid being on this diet
im missing bread and milk the most so far
and sweet stuff obviously
anyway today marks a moment for me
as i have completed my first picture using mangastudio5!!!!
finally -____-
it is a lot better its just A LOT to learn
but this is my first attempt
i did a little demon as i call 'my' fridge at work (biology fridge) Phantom of the fridge
and now ive drawn this to go on the front so i will be printing this bad boy out tomorrow at work and putting it on my fridge - jack said i could X3
he hasnt seen the final thing
i would have liked the font to be better but thats a photoshop problem i have yet to deal with
i need to sort my photoshop out basically
but for a first effort using a new software and doing a different style
im happy
tomorrow is work
my first working day of 2020
i went to get pond weed thats needed for tomorrow morning but the place was sold out
i tried
so i might have mardy teacher to deal with....
but on the whole looks like a pretty ok first week back
im just hoping that
1. im feeling better tomorrow and this 2 day dizzy spell goes
2. i can get through the week
and finally 3. this diet doesnt cause me to murder anyone during my week
Evening
I watched dracula again with my parents last night
it was good, i felt more happened in episode 1 tho
tonight is the final episode!
mum said she can tell i enjoy it as i just sit still for the whole time
and nothing much makes Jo sit still XD
I couldnt sleep tho
my mind was running a mile a minute so that was annoying
plus I was starting to feel really sick but i think thats just having a cold really
colds make you feel sick and as i havent been eating as much my medication
as really felt strong 0.0 so yeah i felt quite sick
i got up at 1am but its not like i can get up for a hot chocolate or anything is it!?
so thats annoying
i ended up having some pineapple in the fridge
went to bed at 1:45am
so late night really
i got up at 8:15am
sat with my piglets bless them
then i did some digital drawing for a bit
dont feel im getting very far with it really
i didnt have breakfast as i couldnt face the cereal jack made me
theres nothing wrong with it but i just couldnt face it, with a cold
and eating the same thing for 2 weeks
so ive been looking at what else i can eat in the morning
i found a chicken pattie recipe so this morning i made those
didnt use the recipe i just winged it
thats how i like to cook, just use my own judgement and learn from that
they turned out alright, i had that and sweet potato as breakfast/lunch
jack txt to say he was gonna come round so i decided to get out
my pajamas and have a shower
he came over and i showed him my patties
then we had a brew and talked about japan
as i think we are both gonna do it
we would like to go during easter!
we're both up for it and i showed him my japanese guide book
and were both gonna borrow it from one another and mark pages of things
we would like to see/do
we went for a walk as the sun was actually out
actually out
its been so cloudy lately i forgot what the sun looked like XD
so that was nice but tiring as im still full of cold and have a sore throat
we came back and had a brew with Oz
he was all over jack like a rash >.>
mum made some 'cookies' from my recipe book
yet another food/meal made of 90% coconut -____- sick of seeing coconut
but the 'cookies' she made were actually alright
first sweet thing ive eaten in days!
then she made normal chocolate chip cookies and jack had one of those
but it didnt bother me as much as i thought it would have
i asked him if i could stay at his tonight
just didnt feel like being at home
but hes got his dungeon and dragons tonight at a friends house and theo has gone to his mums
so he said it would mean me being alone in his flat for a few hours
but i said i was fine with that
so i packed my stuff up and got my different meals/foods i needed and went over
we got to jacks and he got ready to go out and i just laid there
he left and i microwaved my dinner which mum had lovingly made me
sat and ate that then i tidied his flat up a bit just for 10 mins
now im just doing my diary, im gonna draw for a bit then im gonna watch
the final part of dracula
by the time thats ended at 10:30pm jack should be home
doesnt feel that weird being here without him actually
tomorrow not sure what im doing
but i couldnt waste anymore time laying around
despite how sick i feel i need to keep going
i know i need to rest
but theres only a few days of holiday left!
Evening
me mum and dad watched on tv last night
BBC's Dracula
it was so good! I have never seen dracula but that one was certainly good and weird
i predicted quite a bit of it, and laughed at gory scenes
so im not sure what that says about my psyche XD
it was on for an hour and half too, the next part is tonight~
I didnt sleep well that night because I was having to blow my nose a lot
woke up in the morning with a sore throat and a cold
great
just what i wanted
so i felt rough this morning to say the least
but then i got going a bit, i couldnt face eating tho so didnt eat breakfast til 11:30am
i did 20mins of dancing very sloppy dancing
then did 30 mins of yoga
my arse doesnt ache today from my exercises which surprises me
then i had a shower whilst mum tried out a new soup recipe which was bloody amazing
tasted just like thai curry i loved it
i went straight to bed afterwards
when i woke up i went garden centre with her
i wanted a cactus, we also had a drink. i had a 'safe' drink which was alright
mum enjoys fruit teas more than me and its me who has to drink em
we came back and i dont think i did much
i had my left over dinner as my family were enjoying pasta T^T
then i just laid on my bed - dead
i feel so damn rough
so im gonna sit with Oz then watch dracula then go bed
god knows whats happening tomorrow
depends on my health i guess
not many days left off tho so im gutted ive fallen prey to a cold and sore throat T^T
Happy New Year
Yo~
So yesterday being 2019 I went over to jack's once I got ready
we sat talking with theo for a while then jack cooked me and him dinner
we had chicken and sweet potato which was good actually
and didnt cripple me
i helped him tidy a bit and make his bed
then his friends starting coming over, the usual 5 of them - all from the private school they attended but this time there was extra, one brought his boyfriend - matt, a guy i have yet to meet. he doesnt usually come out because he feels left out the group as the rest all know one another from school and hes just there on the outside. but strangely i have never felt like that with them. i feel a little different but thats because im the only female in the group
the started drinking
and i was good i didnt join in ^^
i was doing well with my diet damn it
we all started playing a really rubbish card game that both me and matt couldnt get our heads round so we chatted about school and digimon, hes a teacher and im an ex-TA so we had a lot of common ground and we both like pokemon and digimon so yeah i was getting a long great with him
we played a drawing game which didnt matter on drawing skill but i still won loads of rounds i actually enjoyed it, the guys were making jokes and drinking but it was nice
it wasnt loud and over the top and drunken acts it was just a nice social evening
they began playing music from the last decade and they could all quote what they were doing in the years, i touch of sadness came over me as i missed out on many of those years as they were snatched from me and i spent them sick
at 11:40pm we decided to walk into the city centre were there was gonna be a fireworks display, personally i wasnt bothered as i knew it wouldnt be up to much
but i put on some warm wear and decided to go out
it was very crowded and loud and im not sure how i even coped as its kinda out my comfort zone really! but somehow i was fine, i had the guys surrounding me
and we watched 10 mins of fireworks which was yeah alright
i just stood watching them thinking "even tho this isnt a terrific display, be happy you're alive.. youre here and alive. you wouldnt have managed this years ago. But what do i want to happen next? what do i want to happen in the next decade?" i pondered this as everyone was enjoying the show
we left, matt took one hand and guided me through the crowds and jack had my other hand so i felt safe ^^ i didnt have to ask, just the guys know i probably need that bit of reassurance
we got back to the flat and talked til 2am
i was shattered and very much in need of medication
we were in bed for 3am
i had gone past the stage of being tired tho so took me a long time to sleep
jack was talking to me saying we need to discuss what we both want to happen this year
in the morning i woke up at 10am
but didnt leave the bed til 11am
i was trying to get as much sleep as i could as i was tired
got up and had meds and my cereal then i got to have a bath ^^
it was so hot it made my heart pound and i felt dizzy
and im suppose to want to try japanese hot springs! i wont stand a chance XD
me and jack went out for a bit round the few shops that were open
i brought a thank you card for mum as i feel i should thank her for the last 10 years of care she has given me. i brought a japan travel book reduced from £19 to £3! tells you places and what transport you need to get to it, good book to read actually
i got a terrarium finally! and the coolest table runner its a halloween one the print is lovely
and i brought some tea as im struggling without my tea!
i havent tried them yet
we got back to the flat and i had my lunch which was soup
jack brought soup and bread and had that with me
i told him he doesnt need to join in with me but he says hes putting weight on and needs to eat better so whatever i let him get on with it. i envied his bread a bit tho
we did tarot card readings
love starting my year with a reading - i asked "what has 2020 got instore for me?"
mine was basically:
i am good at taking the good with the bad
i struggle to allow myself to enjoy things
i will get through this year and feel pleased with my achievements
my relationship with jack will be very testing as times and cause a bit of trouble
jack's reading for the same question was basically:
get his finger out his arse and make things happen, he is laid back but needs to put effort in otherwise he will lose things
so i said to him "thats our year then, you need to put effort into this relationship or youre losing me"
i said to him "whenever youre playing games too much or not doing anything i will be sure to remind you of the tarot card reading"
i came home then
saw my Ozwald who had missed me but mum said he'd had 3 treats outta her today
eats me out of house and home!
then we sat as a family and had a roast dinner
the 2nd time i have to do it in a year
so thats done with till christmas day
it was nice and didnt give me too much pain
ive got my exercises to start tonight so im gonna do that next
then i will sit with Oz probably and go bed
i am tired!
so that was my first day of 2020
not bad by all accounts and better than last year
tomorrow i havent decided what im doing yet
might go garden centre with mum for cacti
Yo~
bit earlier to when I usually do my diary but I think I'm out tonight
I slept pretty well last night
but didnt want to get up at 7:30am when mum woke me
I had a physio appointment at 8:30am
so i quickly got ready to go out
the guy was really on it, similar age to me and knew his stuff
and explained how my muscles surrounding my hip just werent working
and what i needed to do to strengthen them
and in time the pain should go
im getting pain as theyre not working properly
he gave me a resistance band - the strongest they have
and he gave me a fair few strengthening exercises to do 3-4 times a week
for a month
he said he can tell by my attitude i would do them
i rang mum who i knew had just popped to the shop
and told her i was finished
i went down to pets at home as on 7th January my little Oz turns 3
so i went and brought him a new treat to try for his birthday
i stocked up on food and treats when i was there and ended up spending
a whole £14 on my little guy 0.0
expensive taste my Ozwald
mum turned up and we went round TK MAXX together
but i didnt get anything i didnt need anything anyway
then we went home and had a brew
i did some dancing and yoga then had a shower
did lunch which was salad and soup
salad twice in a row for lunch and twice given me stomach ache
despite being a safe food for me
the soup was good tho
then i went to bed where i stayed there for 2 and half hours
ive just got up!
im over at jack's tonight
i cant say im fussed but he wants me there
and i guess i havent seen him in a while due him being poorly
he says hes feeling a bit better today tho thank god
so its just a small group of us tonight i think
im not sure if they are going out clubbing
but i certainly wont be leaving the flat and i think jack will use
me as an excuse to not go out as he isnt keen ether
so i might actually see the new year in this year XD
its annoying tho as ive got to constantly think about food
jack has prepped some chicken and sweet potato for us tonight
despite me telling him i can eat alone at home or he can eat something good
but hes fine doing that it seems
so thats dinner, i will take my cereal over and i have a portion of soup
ready in the fridge to take over for lunch tomorrow
it is annoying
i cant even go out for anything to eat really ether or out for a simple brew!
anyway lets talk about 2019
a feel A LOT happened this year
I lost my milliekins
I got a new job
I went full time with my new job
I got jack
I got 2 new additions in the family - Truffle and Tillie
I finished my mental health treatment
I got a new car
I got a new laptop after having mine 9 years
yeah a lot of changes
it was strange how me and my brother both got new jobs and new relationships this year
im quite pleased with how the year went
i think on 1st January this year I'd wrote how'd id like a new job this year and to go abroad
i didnt go abroad this year, my health felt a bit rocky for that and I brought a new car instead with the money. I managed to still sell some art and crafts
As for 2020 a fresh decade
im not 100% sure what I would like to happen really
for a while I thought it would be the year i move out
but realistically i dont think thats gonna happen
so maybe something else big would be nice like a trip to Japan or australia or why not both
maybe it will have to be the year i see more of the world before i settle down with a house and all the expenses that come with it!
so yeah probably travelling
id like to still be with jack if thats possible, without wanting to kill him obviously XD
to keep my job as i know i struggle a lot at times, and it has been suggested numerous times by different people that i go part time, but not happening
i would like to stay full time if i can
and to keep improving my health
i feel like this year made me understand how i worked - mentally
and i accepted that i am different and i do have issues and theyre what makes me, me
id like for physical health to improve tho, theres plenty to work on and i never know how its gonna go its a constant battle and i will keep battling through 2020 decade probably
so thats what id like
to do a big abroad trip
to keep full time working
and to improve my physical health
and for little goals, to keep up with my japanese and art work~
and its not a goal but i wish my pets the best health too
so thats all i think~
this is my last diary for 2019
im about to get ready for the evening to bring in 2020
happy new year all~
