going to bed alone tonight

 Evening

Due to me literally dying last night I didnt get to try out my dumbbells or do any exercise for that matter. My stomach stuck out like I was pregnant. It hurt so so much like my intestines were being squeezed. So painful. I just wanted sleep. I took a sleeping tablet but to be honest I hardly slept I woke up so many times it wasnt fair. So I was quite tired when i woke up at 7:30am but I left Jack in bed til 8:15am.

We got up and I made us omelette with the leftover eggs for breakfast as they would go out of date today so that made a change from meat

we went food shopping, then picked up a few bits from B&M then light cable things from B&Q and Jack let me pick up a couple of baby cacti ^^ I was happy :D So I brought them home and watered them well as they were so dry and it has revived them! I was done in from all the shopping tho. Jack packed away and made me a hot drink. he said I had looked like death all morning.

But I got up and Jack helped me make soup, whilst it cooked I cleaned Oz out and cleaned the bathroom. Then had soup. Then I reluctantly went to bed. I didnt want to but I needed to. 

I got up and we had a brew outside with Oz, I suggested to go for a walk but I was tired, I just felt like I needed to do something but it started to rain so that made the decision for me. I came inside and watched stuff on my laptop then made dinner.

We had dinner then Jack went to go game with Harvey and Theo, I told Jack that as its bank holiday, we have nothing to get up for, the weather is suppose to be crap so if he wants to stay up gaming with the guys he is welcome to, I will be alone tonight and I think I can manage that. He did all his admin jobs today which is bill paying, he manages all the money so it doesnt stress me out. He puts up with a lot so I think hes earned a late gaming night here and there. I just hope I dont get disturbed too bad when he comes to bed >< I cant remember the last time I went to bed by myself actually

I didnt die on the toilet this morning which was nice. I dont feel right mentally tho. Just something not quite right somehow. But I will try to keep going

Tonight I would like to have a go with my dumbbells! Then I might have a bit of a pamper~ do my nails as well.

Tomorrow

my dad is coming over at some point to help with the light fittings. Im hoping my mum comes over to visit me too. I have a bit of cooking/baking to do. Not sure what else we will do. Jack has chores to do such as hoovering and painting the walls were the old radiators were.

Shopping trip with Jack

 Evening

I managed a good 40mins of exercise last night then went to epilate my legs and had a shower as I couldnt be bothered to wait for a bath after epilating. I had a hot chocolate with Jack and watched Inuyasha and went to bed. Slept for a solid 9 hours and felt better for actual sleep. Not being disturbed by Jack

This morning I almost had to run to the toilet, it was that bad. I woke up at 8am and had died on the toilet twice by 9am.....still we got off at 9:15am for shops at attenborough

I drove there and we went to tk maxx, pound shop, pet shop, next clearance, matalan. I was expecting it to be busy to be honest as we got there at 9:45am and its a saturday morning. There was people in the car park but the shops weren't busy. We got a fair bit. Think it was only 1 item of clothing we paid full price off everything else we got in the sales. We managed to get some syrups and sweets for Jack, we checked the pet store but there was nothing for Oz.

So I got 2 new bras, 2 new pants and some dungarees for work. and finally some dumbbells!!

Jack got new boxers, coat, jumper, jeans, tshirt so he did well cus yes he needs clothing -_____-

we went to the nature reserve and went for a walk the weather was cloudy but I wasnt too cold

Jack drove back as I was quite exhausted by this point!

We got home for 12:30pm and had lunch then I went to bed, I was done. I slept so deeply too! Like the house could have been on fire and I wouldnt have known.

I got up and had a drink with Jack and Oz but Oz was hungry so we didnt keep him inside too long. Turns out he hadnt eaten his morning carrot >.> 

We did dinner then I fell asleep on the sofa, just so tired and drained. Jack has gone to have a video call with him friends. I am with Oz who is hungry yet again. I think its cus hes shedding his old coat and its taking more energy for him to do that. So I will take him home and then maybe have a quick go with my dumbbells!

tomorrow

weekly shops, weekly chores, maybe my dad coming over and fitting my light fitting for my craft room. He said he would do it before the carpets are laid.

Radiators are changed!!

 Evening

So last night me and Jack did 30mins of yoga. I am not joking when I say the first stretch we did and Jack's body cracked 3 times....his body protests against exercise XD He has had enough at 30mins tho, whereas I could keep going if I wanted to. Its not even a work out or challenge for me but we need to start off small with Jack as his fitness isnt good and just not used to yoga ether really. He does do well in some respects tho and in others he is incredibly stiff....

I brought Oz in after the exercises and Oz and Jack watched 'trash TV' as we call it. Something he used to do whilst he lived with Theo. So he watched with Oz "dinner with my ex" and I had a bath whilst that was on as no way was I sitting through that. I came out and asked how it was, Jack had groomed Oz whilst watching this program and said "my god some people, and our relationship looks amazing in comparison" He sometimes likes seeing these programs as it makes him feel like a better person XD

 I sat with Oz whilst Jack had a bath, we watched Inuyasha and went to bed. Of course I was going to bed with stomach ache cus why not really. But Jack cuddled me and it did help with my anxiety. I fell asleep and slept a bit better.

This morning I died on the toilet. 25 sodding minutes on the toilet. I made us late by 10mins! awful.

Jack tells me to not to stress as it makes me worse and he says its me who suffers no one else. Its awful. I actually felt like weak and dizzy after it, almost like when you're poorly you know? Fed up with it. So my journey to school was plagued with stomach pains.

School was ok really. I mean I was on the floor for an hour just cus I felt awful. My body was so cold and numb and weak. Jack made me a hot drink and warmed my chips up which did revive me a bit. But it was a rough start to my day. I said to Jack today "not sure if I have lost weight this week but I feel like I have I feel like I have nothing in me like im wasting away"

I didnt have to do anything with my bacteria today anyway, no one came to talk to me about it so I didnt do anything with it. Theyre all stressed with marking GCSEs so I left em to it.

We left school and arrived home to find matt just finishing up our radiators!!!!!! he has done an amazing job as always. We have new radiators!!! ones that dont have all colours building up on the piping.....it was worrying. So I spoke to him and he said he would do our kitchen for us ^^ as I think we would like it doing next year :D I am so grateful for him doing our radiators. He said that he couldnt have us ripped off like we were gonna be. Mum had arrived with Oz so she sat with me and had a brew as Jack went for a shower when Matt left. Mum said that dad had been over and with the help of matt had got rid of a pipe in the study which went through the wall to the floor into the garage, we wanted it gone before the carpets came. So that was nice of him :)

Mum left, she had given me my medication for the month ^^ strawberries :D and made cupcakes but only jack can eat those, hence strawberries for me.

I did us dinner. I had gotten two stew looking containers out the freezer last night and heated em up and from looking at them when I got them out the microwave one wasnt stew...one was  my fish soup! Jack would have had it but I had already cooked him rice so he ate the stew one and I had fish soup - the same meal I had at lunch. Strangely I didnt get any stomach pains. So we joked saying I have eat soup for lunch and evenings XD

Jack went to play dungeon and dragons and I sat with Oz, gave him a good grooming, that 2021 coat is showing through and its so cute! I put him home and doing my diary then I will do my workout :)

Not looking forward to it but I would like to manage maybe 40mins? then bath~~

Tomorrow

Jack asked if there was anything I wanted to do this bank holiday

and its hard isnt it as you still cant visit people or do much really. So I suggested travelling to Attenborough nature reserve. Which is a half hour drive away. On the same bit of road is a retail park with quite a few good clothes stores and Jack NEEDS clothes. We dont really want to go into the city centre just yet. So I said we would go there and pop into maybe 4 stores then go to the nature reserve for a walk then go home for lunch. So I would like to get off earlish tomorrow before it gets too busy. 

Probably sleep after lunch, thats the plan.

Also got my weekly weigh in first thing in the morning

better for sleep and my bacteria came in

 Konbanwa~~

I didnt do any exercise last night, had a bath, watched Inuyasha and went to bed I was in bed before 10pm

Silently crying every now and again. Just a crappy evening all in all as I missed out on spending anytime with Jack and didnt do our yoga. I was with him in body but not in mind.

I took a sleeping tablet and this morning did feel better for some sleep, I also didnt have to use the toilet at all this morning! very strange as I was expecting to kick off big style. However I did still have tummy ache which I dont get how you can have for so many hours.

School was ok I didnt feel like a total corpse which was nice

I got bits done and my bacteria came in! I felt my stomach flipflop as soon as it came in and I shedded two tears. Its just stress pure and simple. I literally cant handle anything. I find bacteria stressful but I like it as its good and I like it to go right.

Head of science bought cup cakes in T^T yet another treat I missed out on. 

Mum bought Oz over for us in the evening and she said she had bought me strawberries and forgot them! T^T she did bring the girls over however and that was nice seeing them play out in my garden :D Oz was scaring the birds away, protecting them. I had tea with mum whilst Jack went to game as he is spending a better evening with me tonight and we are about to crack on with yoga in a sec

might have a hot chocolate tonight too~

Tomorrow is friday then 3 day weekend

god bless bank holidays~~

I have however got a lot of hours to spend working with bacteria tomorrow ><

Panic attack over a tire

 Evening

I did manage a bit of exercise last night and left the bath for Jack as he said he would be done gaming at 8:30pm. It got to 9pm and still no Jack. He came down at 9:30pm...

I said "not going to over run you said"

he smiled sheepishly as me

"an hour later Jack"

he was about to sit on the sofa and I said

"no dont you sit down, get in that bath I dont want to see you, you have displeased me"

of course I was half joking, but I was also shattered and wanted to go to bed so as soon as he came out the bath I started to get ready for bed and he said "dont you want to watch inuyasha?"

No I did not I wanted my bed and had been counting the hours til I could climb in it and thats what I did but I kept waking up to jack grinding his teeth, tossing turning and snoring T^T

I woke up feeling ok my stomach from the evening had passed, I ate breakfast and that all ended that peace and quiet. I of course died on the toilet of course I spent another 20+ minutes on the toilet before school. i came off the toilet feeling drained, I was pale and white lipped. I hate this

We dropped Ozwald off which Jack had to round in again for me

we got to school and I felt like death. Julia saw me and said "God jo you look drained"

I said "you know what, that is the exact word I would use as to how I am feeling too"

I spent another working day barely doing anything. I did decide to do some digital drawing for the first time so that felt a bit productive but on the whole it was another long day of being cold all day and in pain, lunch made it worse as well. Could not wait to come home

Jack drove us home but at one the traffic lights, a neighbouring car pointed at my front tire. I put my window down and he said "careful of that tire its looking a bit flat"

So I said thanks and such. I told Jack to be on the look out in case he felt the steering wheel pull.

I txted mum (who had said earlier that dad had come home early) that my tire might be flat could she let dad know so he could maybe check it out upon coming from Oz, I was so dead that I wasnt planning on stopping by mums.

Mum rang me saying dad was listing all the symptoms and solutions of the tire. I could hear Jack saying half sentences next to me - I think he was panicking a bit. His confidence in driving is still not great. So I had mum telling me stuff and him stressing. She said "ask Jack how it feels to drive"

So I asked

but he wasnt stringing a full sentence together

so I said to mum "I would say but hes not talking in full sentences"

Jack absolutely bit my head off. I have never known him  to speak to me like that....

mum heard it down the phone and said "ok...." I cried at that point

stress and pain and broke me.

Mum had been advising we get out the car and have a look but it was hard when I had a stressy learner driver behind the wheel and on main roads. Not gonna happen.

So we luckily got home safe. My dad was there on the drive awaiting, mum was at the front door. Dad pilled out a load of questions before I had fully got out the car, I was still crying and with dad being like that I had a panic attack right there on the drive. Mum told me to get inside, I dont even remember getting inside the house. I couldnt breathe and was hyperventilating and crying mum took me through the the lounge and got Oz for me. Dad and Jack went to look at my car. Whilst dad was busy Jack did come to the lounge window and asked if I was ok. I couldnt look at him. I was so fragile and upset.

They said there was a small hole but wasnt anything much but dad offered to go up to work and fix it for me, Jack went too. Seeing as I would be staying for a while I decided to have a brew with mum and the pigs and Oz which did help. But my stomach felt in such a knot. I knew Id have to eat when I got home but didnt want it. Whats the point? it will only go through me and give me pain.

They came back and my car was at good as new. I thanked dad and he said it was nothing to get upset about. No it wasnt. I wasnt upset about a tire. It was the situation and how I have nothing more to give. I am tired and in pain and can literally handle no more. Today was breaking point. Still shows that I cant cope well mentally.

We got home and did dinner which gave me awful stomach pain. If someone told me that my intestines had burst then I would have believed them. Pain was truly truly bad. I tried to go toilet but nothing happened. I was just meant to suffer.

Tonight me and jack were suppose to do yoga but I cant even stand up right im in that much pain, im weak and tired so I am about to have a bath at 8pm then go to bed. 

I AM DONE

I could have quite easily have cried and gone back to bed when I got up this morning and to be honest I wish I had done that.

Jack insists on staying and keeping me company tonight. God knows why as I am not good company right now. We are just spending time inside with Oz. 

Tomorrow is another endurance test at work

Just another stomach issue day

 Evening

I managed a bit of a work out last night and felt better for it. I was looking forward to my nice hot bath but once I got in I suddenly remembered I was suppose to txt matt as he needs to order our new radiators for Friday! So all I could think about was txting him and not forgetting to txt him. Basically I didnt get to enjoy my bath as I soon hopped out so I could do this radiator thing >< Not fair!

I did have Oz in later than usual tho which was nice.

I was in bed early too which I was grateful for as I needed sleep, but woke up a few times as jack was snoring, grinding his teeth, moving a lot. He obviously doesnt know or mean too but it still disturbs me. I know when he is stressed as thats his sleep behaviour whereas usually hes quiet. The whole GSCE in school is stressing him out.

This morning I was planning on sitting with the massager before school. That did not happen. Heck I didnt even see Oz! I had to go toilet twice!!! I spent 25mins on that bugger this morning!! Literally dying.

It was a horrid way to start my day and when I came out the bathroom I was practically sheet white.

School, my god, school wasnt even bad but because I had literally digested nothing and I had such a bad start to the day I was just weak and dizzy and shattered. It was crap. I like my job but its such an endurance to get through the whole damn day T^T

hardly did anything, well feel like I hardly did anything. Just everything is hard work and feels like I am dragging my body along. It sucks. I also had real bad stomach pains on the drive into school, poor jack driving whilst I was in a ball on the seat. Got into school and was just in a ball in the office. Only Julia saw so its fine.

we came out of school and mum was meeting us at home with Ozwald, I hadnt seen him as Jack had released him as usual but usually I pick him up and put him in carrying case but have a cuddle and fuss of him or bring him in if it raining, but Jack rounded him up this morning to save us time as I was stuck on the toilet. So it was nice to see my Oz. And see mum of course ^^

I did dinner which I wasnt feeling in the mood for but got it done and it was really nice ^^ I would do it again but I make food differently everytime I feel XD

Then we sat with Oz inside as its raining for the first time in ages so he doesnt want to play outside and I dont blame him, not when he could be dry inside frisking us for treats.

I plan on doing a quick easy video just to loosen my body as I feel I have been tense all day then I will have a bath, Jack is having the bath after me and hopefully get another early night :)

tomorrow just school really nothing special.

just hope I digest food and dont waste half my morning on the toilet. Literally dont have time

im hoping that this blood test on 12th may will reveal something like I need more thyroid tablet or iron, something thats a quick and easy fix to make me not feel so much like death.

I held a blackbird :D

 Evening

I 35mins of working out last night, followed by a good pampering ^^ including my nails

I was hoping Jack would finish gaming early so I could have an early night for school, and just as I thought that at 9:10pm he came downstairs! I was very happy ^^

Still took me a while to actually sleep tho >.>

This morning was just a normal morning of getting ready for school and dropping Oz off, Jack does a lot better in the mornings now than what he used to when I first met him, he actually looks happy and smiles and talks :) 

We got to school and met Julia walking in

my day was ok, I mean Jack was fairly stressed with the GCSE's coming in and our responsibilities with them which I tried to help with but he did do a lot him self as he had a system that I feel he just wanted to do himself and not have it go wrong. However, it did go wrong and he was stressy

At 3:20pm Luke and another biologist came up to me saying, "we have an issue that I think it's a Jo problem" I wasnt sure what they were gonna say

"theres a black bird on the stairway near science"

did not see that coming

so I went off with them both, and yes, there was indeed a bird sitting on the higher window ledge on the stair case. So I went running upstairs to where I knew I stored away the net catchers.

came back with net catchers, Jack came and tried to catch it but made it fly higher up the windows to the top ledge. No one would be able to get that without ladders. He left me and Luke with it and walked off. Luke decided to throw the net - javelin style - at the bird which made it fly up the stairs to the next floor. where it went full pelt at a window. With a proper bang the poor thing. I went running up and we decided to try open the windows, however I could that it was starting to get spooked, its eye was closing from where it hit the window and its little heart was racing. I decided to just lunge for it and I did get it!! I swivelled the net round and me and Luke walked outside to the play ground with it.

I gently uncovered the bird but it didnt move. I dont know if it was exhausted or dazed or in shock or a combo, but I picked it up and said I would take it to bushes. Luke said to throw it up in the air let the wind and instinct take it. So I did and it did flap, for about 5 seconds and came back down into the shade and stayed on the floor, another bird went to it. Luke said it was job done as the bird clearly needed rest and to gather it's self.

I was well happy about it all tho. I got to hold a wild black bird!! it was so light too. I was happy I had managed to release it and it was hopefully gonna be ok.

we left a few mins late cus I was waiting for Jack to stop faffing. But when he came round the corner I could tell he was stressed. He said "I am done let get out of here"

I drove back home tho as I wanted to get home but also could tell his mind was else where

we picked Oz up and went to have a cup of tea outside on the picnic blanket with him.

Well I say tea, Jack had rum X3 He said it was needed, which is fine I just wanted him to relax and be happy.

We did dinner and it came out better than I thought as I managed to make a sauce from meat juices, love experimenting with food 

Now I am gonna do my exercises but not too much. Then I will bath then see Ozwald. He is happy having later evenings outside now its lighter for longer outside. It is also a bit warm in the house at times for him.

Tomorrow

Just school really nothing exciting. My bacteria should be coming in this week tho.