Morning of pumpkins!

 Evening

I couldnt sleep last night. Like was not tired.....I couldnt sleep during the day ether but at night when I am usually shattered, I just couldnt sleep like I could still function. I got up and took pain killers to knock me out and stayed up til 1am. 

I woke up at 8:50am >< we normally leave the house for 9:25am for shopping! So we had a bit of a mad dash morning + having Oz inside due to rain

we got to the shops and on the way in they had ghost pumpkins!! I have never found them before, or if I have been lucky to come across them, they are usually expensive due to them being white or 'ghost' but only £2 so I said to Jack, "Im having it!!" walking 10metres in the shop they sold mini pumpkins that fit in your palm - so cute and small! for 50pm so I got one of those too. As we went round the shop we passed the seasonal isle - halloween currently. And something caught my eye.....a big pumpkin

"Jack I am just checking something out"

it was this massive pumpkin, like how big can I say?

*get out measuring tape for my diary's sake*

its 178cm diameter and 50cm height...mother of god....its a beast

it also lights up. I said to Jack "I would LOVE this for the garden, as an ornament"

I have been keeping my eyes out for garden ornaments but theyre soooo expensive as theyre usually metal or stone you know. But this is plastic. and was £15

he said "you can have it"

"but its like £15"

and thats cheap for a garden ornament, however this isnt a garden ornament

as it has a LED inside, it lights up! 

so we said, we would buy it, have it indoors until halloween - display it in the window for halloween, then take out the electrics and have it outside in the garden.

It took up half the trolley XD I was so happy honestly. My love of pumpkins is deep. and seeing AND having one this big made me very happy

we got home and unpacked, had a brew and such, did the soup and cooked my meat for the week

Jack has asked me to have a smaller meat portion in the morning but have a piece of fruit loaf along side it so I am having some carbs in the morning to help me keep going. I start this tomorrow

After lunch I had a bit of a rest in bed but couldnt really sleep

we went for a walk as we had an announcement txt that Jack's family was coming over at 4pm

the walk was small but I found it difficult my body was shaking and weak. Whats up with me!? its very frustrating. Think it is just exhausted from school. I got back and had a bath. As the hair pack I put in my hair last night hadnt really rinsed out properly so my hair looked awful and I was pale. I was hoping after a bath id look better!

Jack had a bath then later his mum, step dad and oldest sister came. Leaving his youngest sister home she was in a mood apparently XD but it was nice and they brought home made cup cakes for his sisters birthday on thursday they were so well decorated! they stayed from 4 - 6

when they left I did dinner, we had Oz in during dinner which was nice

I have since had him out again and put him to bed, Jack is gaming with Harvey and Theo again, he does ask each time if he can and I think he may as well really. We are still gonna have hot chocolate and anime after wards.

I did some drawing any way as I said I would do his oldest sister an 18th birthday card.

tomorrow 

9am Mia is coming over to do a dog walk with me

got nothing else planned apart from that. I hope I sleep tonight so I have energy

nice not having to get up early

 Evening

ahhhh it was so nice to sleep and wake up at 8 and not be in a work for 8

we were in bed for 9:20pm tho, on a friday night XD I was so done!!!

So this morning

I made biscuits, cleaned Oz out whilst being supervised by him, cleaned the bathroom then went over to mum's for 11am. Gave truffs a hair cut. Had a cup of tea with mummy and came home for lunc

I didnt need to sleep after my lunch but thought Id go to bed to give my body rest (as I am not good at rest) but I couldnt sleep ^^; so I went for a good walk with jack, but my body was shaking again afterwards. I think its just my body being exhausted. Jack says I need to start eating more carbs as i still arent really eating them apart from fruit loaf, oat biscuits I make, and sweet potato = my carbs

maybe he is right so we spoke about what could be eating more

I rested with a cup of tea and fruit loaf but my body was still annoyingly shaky. So I laid on my bed where my heart decided to have palpitations, Jack was outside with oz for almost 2 hours. I just laid quietly then I watched a youtube video then started dinner which was nice

I had a good soak in the bath and a bit of a pamper but not my full on sunday night pamper

Jack is gaming with Harvey and theo til 10pm so I have 30mins more by myself

I am with Oz

then we will watch anime with hot chocolate and go to bed!

tomorrow

just food shop and make soup, mum and dad are dropping off the spare guinea cage now the pigs are in the shed. So I will have a guinea + rabbit cage. And so will mum. Therefor if ether of us goes away for a weekend or whatever, we can have each other's pet over to stay <3 

and thats it, I should rest more and maybe do some art or science work I guess 

what a night but its holidays now!!!

 Evening

What happened last night? like just what happened TT^TT

I was in bed for 9:10pm after having an evening alone, I wouldnt need to get up til 7am so I felt happy knowing I would be getting a good nights sleep for once.

However, this was NOT the case T^T I woke up at 3am and that was that then

I was up. In pain. Like growing pains all over, I took both pain killers but I may as well have taken sugar tablets, they did NOTHING. I didnt know what to do. I had tried going back to bed. When I got up for the 2nd time (after Jack elbowed me in the face T^T) He sat up right in bed

"whats up jo?"

"im getting up for the 2nd time, im in pain and struggling"

"i'll get up with you"

"no no its fine honestly"

he laid back down and as soon as his head hit the pillow he was gone. Like that. Gone

so envious TT^TT

so I stayed up til 5am, then tried to sleep in bed but couldnt really. I looked at the clock and it was 6:45am then next thing I knew my alarm was going off. I had fallen asleep in those final 15mins

how cruel is my life. I felt like death this morning

If it had been a normal school day I wouldnt have gone. My body was shaking. I was shattered. Physically and mentally exhausted

Jack was like "you look bad"

yup white face and lilac lips would get that said to you

"well you know I didnt sleep well"

"no i dont"

"jack you offered to get up with me, you sat up in bed"

"did I?"

yeah I had wondered if he was actually awake, turns out he wasnt! Its very odd. Im talking to someone in their sleep.

We got ready for school, I brushed my hair but didnt do anything with it, no accessory and just whacked very baggy old clothes on. I couldnt care less today

I didnt join in with anything going off with the staff and neither did Jack or Julia for a change. Usually its just me who doesnt bother going to the whole school meeting (I get too anxious)

so it was us 3 but I had my headphones on and did some jobs - somehow

then sat and painted but wasnt enjoying it, was soon running out of the will to live

it was a very slow 4 hours T^T

at 12:20pm we got to leave as we werent staying for lunch

we came home and saw Ozwald and then had lunch

I was in bed for 1:30pm I had in my mind I would go over to mum's 3:30pm

I woke up at 4pm....jesus. I never ever sleep THAT long during the day. but shows my exhaustion

I txt her at 4pm "just woke up! give me 5!"

I went over for an hour to have a brew and a cup cake she made and a sit with the girls

I am seeing her again tomorrow morning as Truffs needs a hair cut desperately 

mum warned me that truffs had got attitude today but as soon as she sat on me she curled up and got cozy I even got licks. She likes me ^^ Was my first guinea sit without molly tho. Usually I get both tilly and truffle and mum has molly. but now mum has tilly and I have truffs. I have to share tilly!

I got home and did the dinner

then after dinner I planned out a rough outline of what I want to do each day in the holiday, then did a 20min work out which was an effort and wasnt even that hard

had a lovely hot bath and now just with Oz

I have had Jack all evening as his gaming got cancelled, dont usually have him on a  friday evening but not complaining. We havent spent much time together so it will be nice to watch anime tonight.

tomorrow

recovery really. Jo needs rest -______- and seeing mum and truffs for hair cut~

thank god its the holidays. Dont think I could have lasted much longer....

Last day tomorrow of this hard first term

 Evening

Hey guess what, I slept through the night last night! However I woke up shattered!!! HOW!? thats well unfair, 8 hours of straight sleep and I am still shattered. Not a great start to my day

My day was a hard slog of time going slowly and everything taking more effort. I am just grateful it wasnt a practical heavy day. I did have my biology lesson which was a very intense, compact lesson on mitosis. Luke warned me its a lot to take in one lesson, its a lot for him to deliver in one lesson too! But god it was too much. I was so tired. No amount of caffeine or sugar has helped today

I got home and had fruit loaf and tea, I was starving. I then went on my bed and Jack came to me and offered a walk. I knew a walk would be easier on my exhausted body than a work out. But I also know that a walk would also be taxing what with the way I felt. However not doing any exercise was not an option as I am very achy tonight. 

We went for a walk I had to use the inhaler twice and stop once and towards the end my body was shaking all over. My body needed rest and food

I came in and heated up my leftovers and stuck a pizza in for Jack 

after food and a sit down I was still shaking and still am actually - its very annoying all these hours!

I think it is just sheer exhaustion. My body needs actual rest.

so I made some biscuits, ran a bath and now gonna go in the bath, then sit with Oz and be in my bed for 9pm damn it!!!

tomorrow

its an insec day and different hours. I dont need to be in til 8:30pm so thats longer in bed this morning and also we finish at 12:20pm  so its literally 4 hours, I am sure I can get it done. Its none uniform but I am gonna wear joggers and jumper that need a wash XD I dont care how I look for 4 hours. I am gonna be busy round labs and cleaning so I dont wanna be glamourous 

then I have 2 weeks holiday!!!

I am gonna come home and have lunch, go to bed then go see my mummy and sit with the girls! <3 

My mental walls are back up for now

 Evening

i got up twice for wee, whats up with that, well unfair

but i slept i guess, i woke up tired

i got school ok

and i actually had a good day

i coped really well today, oddly 

I had the strength to put up my mental walls again. theyre not 100% but theyre there

i told jack i didnt want to do certain member of staffs lesson as i was not going to her ruin my day. 

so jack took that weight from me.

i got all my jobs done, didnt cry, didnt break down, was able to think much more clearer. So yeah a lot better day on the whole. actually kinda enjoyed my day

i had had enough of the day but i was grateful of being better mentally 

I hope I have another good day

we got home and had fruit loaf and tea then went for a nice walk then had dinner which I had put on this morning an totally winged but it was really good

had a bath then a 50min phone call with my brother and now its 9:30pm and I wanted to be in bed by now but didnt want to cut my brother off. I hope I sleep tho

I hope for another good day tomorrow

havent got anything too hard tomorrow anyway

cried 3 times before lunchtime

 Evening

So as I got into bed last night I started crying again. Full of self hate and the usual mentalness but Jack cuddled me. After he said "do you need to go wash your face?" (from tears) I said "no I think your pyjama top got it all" he moved it and suddenly felt the sheer wet patch I had made XD

He said I was talking in my sleep but the voice didnt sound like mine. How freaky is that! He said it was deeper. I said to him *after getting over the initial embarrassment*  that my other personality was offering to take over and make everything numb so maybe it was her dreaming? her voice is deeper to mine. He said that given what I was saying he said it made sense as he said, and I quote 'you sounded like a clique anime villain' -_________- good lord. I could have died of embarrassment 

So I did sleep pretty well, but still felt tired

I got to work and within 20mins I was already crying, yup. Just could not cope today with my job, talking to people, thinking, organising, everything....before lunch I had cried 3 times and was very nearly about to go home. But I decided to stick it out. I somehow even got my work done. I did find that putting my new wireless headphones on and wearing them round the prep room doing jobs was actually alright and helped me cope better as I couldnt hear the usual sounds of school which for some reason was causing me stress today.

We came home and I just felt exhausted but I still wanted to see mum, I told her before hand what sort of a day I had had and that she could still come over but as long as shes gone for 5pm. Glad she kept to that as well cus i was running very low on energy by the end of it

we did dinner which was noodles so it was easy enough

then I decided I fancied a walk tonight rather than working out. I thought a walk would do more for my mental health as well so me and Jack went for an evening walk. I enjoyed it and so did he

we got back and I went in the bath, he cleared up from dinner then went in the bath and now we just with Oz. Oz who got to stay in for almost 2 hours after school as it was raining when we got home. He was very lucky but also full of attitude >.>

Looking forward to my bed

tomorrow, its another new day - which is what I said yesterday but was rather unlucky to wake up with my depression cloud. But I hope I can cope better tomorrow. Mum says I am ready for the holidays. I need a full rest. 

Jack is so good an supportive tho. Dont know what I would do without him

Just had enough of people and caring about people

 Evening

I kinda slept but my nose kept getting clogged, you know how colds are >.>

mum said that tilly seems to be doing a bit better at least

it has been getting colder and Oz when I picked him up this morning from the grass was shivering a bit bless him - its not THAT cold yet tho Oz, so I put him home with morning carrot and he soon forgot about being cold.

We took the DT technician to work again. We have had him for 5weeks now but he did announce this morning to us he has brought a car - finally ^^

I was sicky anxious about work today just because of the practical. But I tried so hard with it all and did myself too without Jack holding my hand. I got nailed. But it stressed me out loads

I got the rest of the day done, tried my new headphones also which was good but literally only got to play one song! 

On the way home the DT technician asked to drive by somewhere on the way home - this is the 3rd time I have played taxi for this guy. So I pulled in off the main road to find the place blocked up but I tried to drive up somewhere to find signs everywhere saying "no dropping off or parking or stopping!" followed with "£100 fine!" I felt sick and stressed as I waited the DT technician to come back to my car with a stupid car part he had ordered!! All I could think about was "am I getting a £100 fine now!?" I dont have £100 to waste right now!!!! So I was stressed out and I was sure to tell the technician off my stress when he got back to the car a few mins later. I bit Jack's head off so yeah

he made me fruit loaf and tea when I got home but I felt so sick with stress that I didnt enjoy the treat I look forward to each day >.>

I cried a bit on the bed and Jack cuddled me whilst I ranted off to him that

"i put so much effort into practicals and get stressed by them, and for what? for some members of staff to talk to me like crap, I kindly take a technician to get a car part and I end up worrying and getting stressed out over a potential fine. Why is it I try to be good to people but I get stressed out by it? stress makes my aches so much worse. They go home not giving the day a second through whereas I am left with the stress and pain. I should just stop caring so much about others maybe. Be selfish"

he cuddled me and I decided to get up and do dinner. Wasnt gonna do its self was it.

we had dinner and then I decided to do my diary and then I am gonna try a new GrowwithJo video. Jack offered a walk but I didnt want to get cold cus its kinda dampy cold out there tonight. But he just thought it would calm my head. To calm my head I cut my skin with scissors. Skin is hard to snip but I did  it a blood came straight away, I left it there but gave my mind something else to think about. Hurts now tho, I shall show no one. My underpants cover it so no one will see. I have just had enough

tomorrow is a new day tho

I hope I sleep tonight, at least I can watch anime with Jack tonight as he hasnt come to bed with me for 2 nights now.

No hard practicals tomorrow luckily~