4 hours sleep for a monday morning

 Evening

Did I get to sleep last night? course not >3> 

Honestly it is so unfair!!!!

I took Ozwald home and went for a bath at 8pm and then played pokemon by myself in bed til 9:30pm Jack came to bed at 9:45pm and I stayed up watching him play pokemon as I couldnt sleep

too much anxiety about school ><

he turned his switch off at midnight and asked if I was ok, I replied "yeah....."

he fell asleep 0.0 as fast as that!!! He was so fast falling asleep

I was so envious....

I got up and stayed up til 2am, I had some fruit loaf as I was so hungry by this point, it has been 8 hours since I had last eaten I guess

I came to bed after taking more pain killers and I slept til my alarm of 6:15pm T^T 4 hours sleep for a monday morning

I defrosted the snow off my car, there was still snow everywhere....

I didnt want to go to school, just didnt want to go really

I got there and got on with stuff, feeling like my eyes were being pulled down

when I looked in the mirror in the toilets I looked pale and had dark rings under my eyes

I looked awful

I thought about going home, but didnt want to leave Jack to find his own way home. So I decided I would literally do the bare minimum today

I refuse to cry this week

so I ether stayed at school and hardly do much (which is so boring and makes my day so long) or I go home and get more done but only digital work. If I worked myself hard at school I knew it would quite literally end in tears

So I have hardly done much at school. Its so dull and it feels like such a waste of life 

we came home and theres still snow in the garden! 

I had a cup of tea but didnt want fruit loaf really, I had some chocolate instead. We brought Oz in straight away so he's enjoying the living room bless him. 

I made dinner, I had left over chips I had made yesterday, 2 sausage and an egg. I made Jack an amazing dinner, he had a mini baguette and on it I put 4 sausages, 2 hash browns, 2 eggs and wrapped it in tin foil so it was easier for him to eat it. He couldnt believe his luck he was well happy with that as he thought he was just getting a sausage cob XD love making food he likes

I am just with Oz now, I have got to do some form of exercise and have a bath and stuff. Jack is gonna go game soon now I have got him fed and washed.

I plan on playing pokemon by myself in bed tho :)

tomorrow is school, not much on practical wise so I may be ok

I just need sleep. I feel so drained like I have done all day. 

Sometimes my thoughts are quite bad in the middle of the night but its just cus im fed up of it all

Snow Again!?

 Konbanwa

I was up til 1am I couldnt switch off and then of course I was aching

I slept through the night after pain killers and woke up at 8am with a headache

we went for our food shop, which was uneventful

when we came home I just had a cup of tea instead of having a snack as well

we made my soup, I cooked my breakfast meat, I made biscuits. I was in that kitchen 90mins!

After lunch I went to bed but couldnt sleep so I got up

It was snowing lightly so I said to Jack I wanted to go for a walk in it, and it came down more whilst we were out then all afternoon it has snowed heavily, heck my friend has even made a full on snowman!

Jack was hoovering the living room and discovered we have quite the mould problem....I mean I realised our window frames in several rooms were going black again but the mould issue round the patio door....its all up the curtains, the book cases, the walls....I told Jack to leave it for another weekend but he wouldnt hear of it. Saying that black mould is really bad for asthma. But because he was doing this we had to empty the book cases out so all books are in my craft room. The living stunk of mould remover which smells like heavy bleach, stuff everywhere. So Oz couldnt play inside for hours and he didnt want to play out in the snow ether XD

When dinner time came round I brought Oz in

hes soooooo much better today, hes full of beans! Hes so lively! He must be feeling better in himself today which I am glad of. I am grateful he pulled through ^^ So I spent time fussing him ^^

Jack is gaming tonight but said he didnt have to but I said he could, that Id be fine

despite bringing up sick twice whilst eating my dinner ^^; anxiety sucks

he says I can grab him if I need him

I have been working on the art piece for school, designing a science mascot. I have made them gender neutral

Think of giving them a gender neutral name of Jamie or Alex too

I was glad to get it finished for work anyway~

I can not believe the snow tho, fingers crossed that school boiler breaks :D

Actual snow in November!

 Konbanwa~

We played pokemon in bed together til nearly 11pm! I took some more pain killers and fell asleep til 8am which was a huge relief as I didnt feel too corpsed when i woke up

But when I did wake up I noticed something....

it was snowing....

like really snowing and settling....

what the hell!? its november!! we dont see snow til January/February usually

it was quite shocking to be honest

we were suppose to see harvey and theo but I told Jack that I was not going out in this!

However over the hour it turned to sleet and eventually stopped

really weird 

My Ozwald tho...

yesterday I thought he was a bit off, like I wondered if he had tummy ache. Also when I picked him up he bit me which is totally out of character - he did lick me afterwards to say sorry

Today tho when I got him out first thing I noticed was his bum was a bit gross so Jack helped me clean him up. I went to clean him out and he didnt help much. I cleaned the bathroom then locked him up and we went out to pudding pantry

we met up and I had a cookie dough which was nice and just the right amount I took my time and managed to eat it all. It was good to see the guys, it does me good to see people even if I am not feeling it. jack had a full breakfast.

We came home and I went straight to check on Oz. We had only been out 90mins so I hadnt left him too long but when I entered the garage I noticed the smell.....yeah I could smell him bless him.

I picked him up and yup he was a mess. so I carried him quickly into the house not wanting to get poo on my clothes. I shouted Jack and we cleaned him up but he had tummy ache I could see it. 

I googled what could be wrong with him as I didnt know what was upsetting him, he wasnt having anything out of the norm. Turns out I think I was feeding him too much pellets. I was putting pellets down whilst he was in the house but didnt think to give him hay also and he NEEDS the hay.

Understood!

So I have been giving him little bits and pieces took keep him topped up with food to keep his stomach ticking over, its not good for them to stop eating and drinking as they go down hill so fast. I gave him fuss and more fuss and made sure he had access to water which he did drink.

Eventually he passed 'normal' poos so I was relieved and to be honest I think he was! he started hopping round and gave me lots of licks. I think he understands I was trying to help. I have kept him inside all day as its been horrible out there and it said to keep them warm when bunnies are feeling off. Also Jack has pretty much spend his day gaming on pokemon on the TV in the living room so he has been with Oz and tells me if he eats any hay or anything.

But Oz seems to be sitting more comfortably now at least. So I believe hes through the worst of it. I will find something to put hay in

I had a sleep during the day

I did some digital drawing for school

I rang my mum (which made me feel better as my stomach was in knots with Oz)

I cooked dinner which I didnt really want so I didnt have much to be honest but I am glad I didnt have much! Now I need to do some exercise. I am wondering if to dance to one of my Buono! Dvds 

I went on just dance yesterday which I enjoyed but I did it without the weights

we are gonna play pokemon in bed again tonight ^^ its really soothing to do it

tomorrow

got weekly food shop and food to make and cook. I am gonna be in that kitchen for some time....

I just hope my bunny its up to full strength tomorrow~

went home again to look after myself

 Evening

We played pokemon together in bed for over an hour. I was so determined to find a decent Buneary and I eventually got one. I took more pain killers and climbed into bed and slept through the night

I slept but I still felt drained of life when I woke up like my body was shaking and I had a headache. I started getting ready for school and whilst doing my skin care I thought about school and tears started running down my face. Jack came into my craft room and asked me which tea Id like and saw my tears "oh my Jo whats wrong!?" I said - pointing to my face - "this is JUST thinking about school"

I still went to school

the whole time feeling like I was gonna be sick and just wanting to go home

I looked at the day, I had 1 practical which was small and I got it prepped. I wrote out the lessons for Monday and got it all prepped and announced at 9:30am to Jack that I was going home

I need to look after myself

that job is not worth making myself poorly

So he walked me to reception. I felt so guilty leaving but I refused to shed any more tears at work this week. I went home and I went to bed

I got up and started doing the biology work I didnt do in class

mum came over for lunch it was good to see her

she got upset tho. I have made both Jack and Mum upset this week TT^TT

she just feels frustrated with it all and wishes she was here for me and wants to do more for me. Mental health just sucks. She is just annoyed with my illnesses in general. Its just all unfair

When she left I did more biology work then went to bed and sweated to death from having nightmares I couldnt wake up and it was 5pm when I woke up, it was dark and i had no idea where Oz was. I just couldnt wake up I couldnt escape the nightmare. Worked out it was because i had not had my meds at lunch so I got them down me (literally cant be trusted with my meds) and I found Oz in his cage thank god and I brought him in

Jack came home shortly after, he had made his own way home and had to go through the city centre and he kindly brought us doughnuts! They look so good we are gonna halve them so we can have both.

I was relieved to have him home. He was suppose to have gaming for the first time in 5 weeks and I wasnt looking forward to him leaving me for 4 hours but I thought it would do him good to play and talk with his friends. He told me he wasnt playing tonight....he wasnt in the mood. He is too tired and just wants to be with me and Oz. I was so relieved. I felt so selfish but its his decision. So we are gonna play pokemon in bed and we have doughnuts soon too. I said we would have a bath first then have dessert. 

I might have a few dances on just dance as my exercise tonight

I also have the job of finding Jack some jeans online as his work jeans have worn a 2" hole in the crotch area so I said I would do that for him. 

Tomorrow

we are meeting harvey and theo at 10am for pudding pantry breakfast. I looked at the menu last night and all there dishes I like half of it but not the other half what comes with it so I said to Jack I would just have some ice cream as I will enjoy that more.

not sure what we're doing after that. Probably rest and recover. I have biology work to do as well for school, some digital work.

I got through the week but had two days of working from home but need to catch up on that work over the weekend. i am hoping next week at work will not be as horrible.

Crying my eyes out at work, a good friend passes away

 Evening

We played pokemon together in bed for a whole hour last night it was healing I enjoyed my time with Jack, being warm cuddled up and playing pokemon together. Sad thing is that my tens machine isnt working very well so I need a new one T^T it is old but I HATE spending money on my health >.>

I didnt sleep that well, I had nightmares and was dripping with sweat in the night and when I woke up this morning. I also felt dizzy this morning, I would have LOVED a shower but no time for that

soon realised why I was the way I was - I had forgotten AGAIN to take my antidepressant 

FOR GODS SAKE JO ITS NOT HARD!!!! I have forgotten to take meds so many times this year its untrue. Im on my 11th year now of taking meds, youd think Id be good at it! But I guess when you take 17 tablets a day its easy to miss one, if I took 2 tablets a day youd notice easily if one was missing

I got to school

cant tell you how many times I cried today, seriously lost count.

I just wasnt good. I knew I wasnt

then I had a txt from lynn saying "just letting you know that Den passed away on tuesday"

no bloody way

my heart sank. it didnt feel real

I was ok, for all of 5 mins

Jack came in and asked if I was ok, and I told him and just broke down in tears and then had a big crying sobbing fit about how unfair my life was. That I hated my illness, being in constant pain, not sleeping, having to endure work like this, that my weekends go to recovery, for what? Ill be dead soon as well!

Poor Jack

he has had his hands full this week with me

I cried all morning but stayed at school as I wanted to go to my biology lesson, I didnt want to miss it

I composed myself for my lesson but I knew my face was red, blotchy and swollen. I still went. We had a 5min video and only when it ended did I realise I hadnt been listening to a word of it. Luke then got the text books out and we had a fair amount of textbook work to do which meant reading. Reading small black txt on a white page whilst tired, not in the right frame of mind, with a classroom of chatty teenagers. I picked my stuff up and left the room to have a cry in office

I was annoyed at myself for having another obstacle in my life - my dyslexia. It felt like just another kick in the teeth, something for me to struggle with. So I have since photocopied the page onto green and I will do the work in my own time

chris saw me out side the prep room and said I looked like I needed a hug - hes never hugged me - and I said "no ill cry" he hugged me and I cried! he took me into the prep room and we talked about stuff and the teacher came for her textbook id borrowed for luke's lesson and I told chris I didnt have my own textbook and that I had a dyslexic meltdown, he says he might be able to help me. If he cant he says school can buy me my own textbook

we had lunch but I didnt feel like it to be honest

Chris found me again after lunch, I was just silently crying to myself (like I said I was BAD today) he was like "yeah youre really not good today" 

I got my lessons prepped and a few bits done, I felt so sad and defeated. I knew I looked bloody terrible and peoples shocked expressions when I looked at them, but none of science had the guts to ask if I was ok XD im glad as id only reply with "im fine" anyway.

We came home and Jack did me fruit loaf and tea but I didnt really want it. Food has been giving me tummy ache.

we went for a walk and I called by to give mummy a hug. I didnt take off my shoes or jacket I was just in the hall for a few minutes talking to her and she gave me a cuddle and told jack he does well as its not easy.

we came home and did dinner then sat, Oz has got tummy ache again so we had to clean him before our walk I think we need to clean him again. Not sure whats upset him tho as were not giving him treats its really strange.

I plan on having a bath, early night with pokemon again

I said to mum and Jack that if I dont sleep tonight that I am not going school tomorrow as there will be nothing left of me. I am depleted of all life. I feel so defeated on everything. I have burned out.

I cant pity myself. Its lynn who is suffering, shes lost her husband. Someone who I got to know through her, he was always so generous to me and would have given me anything. He loved lynn as well, even when they had fall outs I could always see how much they loved one another. he was such a character, and I know he is going to missed by a lot of people. Lynn says she feels lonely and empty. I can not imagine her pain. I would want to die if I didnt have Jack. I hope I can see her soon

didnt last long did it

 Evening

I was up til midnight cus why not, I dont need sleep do I? but once I was off I did sleep

School wasnt too bad I guess, I didnt have a lot on I guess but I was just tired and bit grouchy. I snapped at Jack but knew I was in the wrong so I apologised right away but it made me shed 2 tears just cus Id snapped at my Jack and I didnt like that. He was totally fine with it and said with me being so tired and in pain im bound to be crabby. He so understanding *0* 

I got all my jobs done he gave me to do so that was an achievement and Jack made sure I knew it was an achievement and not just dwell on how many breaks I had had today - how does he know how I think!?

We got home and had a quick cup of tea and fruit loaf then went for a walk. It was dark but Jack suggested it and said it might do me some good. He was right and I wasnt too grouchy about it XD

we got back and made biscuits whilst Jack did a few jobs then we sat down to eat sausage casserole which was dead tasty

I had a hot bath then just doing my diary

going to take my demanding bunny home, we plan on trying to have an early night so we can play pokemon!!! woo! really enjoying diamond~

tomorrow is school then seeing mummy after school~

please god let me sleep. its really getting me down

bloody slept!!!

 Evening

I took medicated sleeping tablet last night, I played pokemon for 20mins in bed with my tens machine and then after that I was gone. It was then 6:15am and my alarm was going off

I HAD SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT

God I could have cried, it felt like an achievement and a relief. What a relief

I was still anxious this morning but I was able to cope with it a lot better

so school felt better, I was anxious but it wasnt getting overwhelming like yesterday. Jack told me that until further notice I will be preparing head of biology's lesson (unless I really cant handle it) and he will be giving it out and bringing it back in again. This is to take a stress from me as she is quite literally making me ill. Which Jack did tell head of science about today actually. So yeah thats come to light I guess. I wanted to go home at lunch tho, I was flagging and had had enough. but I somehow got through my long afternoon T^T 

I got a lot done today and Jack says he  proud of me ^^

I told mum I wasnt seeing her as Id had enough, id seen her yesterday and also turns out she had a bad headache. We came in and Jack made me fruit loaf as I was hungry so very very hungry. It gave me tummy ache tho >< then I did the noodles which I didnt really want and they too gave me tummy ache so I was on the bed for 10mins but got up as I knew I had my stew to prepare for the morning.

Now I am just in the living room with my boys. We constantly have Oz in hes very sweet and its lovely having him there. Even if he is harassing us for food constantly, we always make sure he has food and water when hes inside. He now just snoring as Jack plays pokemon on the tv

I need to do some form of exercise but I am sooooo tired I have no idea what exercise I will manage. Yesterday I managed 25mins of yoga but not sure tonight. Id like to try something :/

tomorrow is school TT^TT

im not taking sleeping tablet tonight so we shall see how the night goes...