started my next canvas

 so tired

I was up til gone 1am last night with aches, stomach ache, headache. Everything ache -___-

I was tired today and was not in the mood for work but I knew I was on chemical disposal duty.

I got chemicals made, listening to my ipod. It wasnt a bad day.

I got home and mum came to have lunch with me

then I pretty much spent my afternoon in bed or laying on my bed

I was so done. I cant believe how worn out I was. The morning had killed me a bit as I was on my feet all morning really. I tried not to feel guilty for not doing much.

I could also tell my muscles needed a rest so I did gentle exercises for almost half hour then had a bath

Oz has been in practically all day - the house bun that he is >.>

Tomorrow

school and I think mummy coming to have lunch

I am doing the background on a canvas right now so I might get going with that but I do have some sewing to do as well. Didnt do any digital drawing as I couldnt face it really

the canvas is going to be of a picture I saw on instagram someone had drawn of two bun loafs sat amongst bread. I wasnt gonna do it as I have little faith in my ability to paint bread but then I finally thought today "so what if it turns out crap, its the process im suppose to enjoy as its not like i will sell it or give it away" so I am giving it a go weather it turns out crap or not!

Need sleep -___-

Snorlax and Munchlax comic

 Evening

I slept like the dead. Think we turned off our switchs at 10:45pm. I was so dead.

I woke up at 8am and Jack was already bringing Oz in. I went to put the girls out. They seemed fine today, told them that mummy was coming for them.

It was nice not having to go shopping. Also we have been in pyjamas all day!!!! X3 I can not remember the last time I had a pyjama day!

So I lazed round this morning

I went on my laptop as I said to Jack "I couldnt face looking for jobs on monday so I will have a look now as I feel guilty not having a look" and I found a job that would really suit him and its at the same place his mum works! but the application deadline is tomorrow morning!!! D: so I felt bad as this now meant our 'chore free day' wasnt going to be chore free for Jack as he now had an application to do.

I dont know if you know, but it takes on average 2 hours per application. So he went to do that. He was ok about doing it. He said he was going to apply he wasnt doing cus Id asked or anything

I cooked my meat for the week

we had lunch then mum came for the girls. They were happy to see her...I think? XD hard to tell with pigs. but mum was happy to see them thats the main thing. She could see that they had had 5* treatment.

She liked my windows. Dad said they looked good that was the only words he said to me.

I went and laid on my bed for a couple of hours with Hammington. when I got up, Oz was still on plush pad XD Jack had managed to apply to the job and was playing with Theo and Harvey - he asked me yesterday if it was ok. Bless him he always asks X3 

I then and sat finished my pictures of Snorlax/Munchlax and then I did my biscuits, and made a start on dinner so thats currently cooking. 

After dinner I will do some form of exercise but not sure yet what I will do

then it will be usual routine of watching Q2han's video in the bath whilst I have a pamper. I always have a pamper in the bath on sunday before school and they upload on a sunday night so its quite the routine now XD 

Tomorrow

its school

its monday again so we will be in a lab doing chemical disposal. Jack has told Julia she needs to join us this time. so those two will be diluting and disposing of the nitric acid and I will be making litre after litre of sodium carbonate for them to use for the diluting. I will try not kill myself off this week ><

My snorlax pic

next is Litwick

actually having my house ripped apart isnt as bad as I thought!

 Evening

I managed to sleep ok last night and I woke up to Jack stroking my arm. He woke me nicely before the alarm did. He was already awake so that was nice of him.

I was so anxious this morning. My house was being pulled apart

what mess would be made?

would anything go wrong?

would anything bad be discovered about the house?

how much time and energy will have to go into cleaning the house?

will I be dead come monday?

Yeah bad anxiety....they arrived around 7:10am 

My mum gave me a ring at 10ish saying she had dropped off the pigs. Oz was totally fine with the noise going off and even begged for a treat. Mum had to go get him one from inside the house -_____- he was trying to take down his cage door...such a treat tyrant. She said the mess wasnt bad and that the windows are looking good

I thought "shes just trying to make me less anxious by telling me theres not much mess and shes just being kind about saying they look like. Theyre only windows. Why have I done this to myself?"

I couldnt wait to get home to see how the pets were but also didnt want to go home as I knew I was going home to mess and noise

I got home and they were in the bedroom....they had finished upstairs. We hadnt even cleared any of the down stairs rooms!!! But on the whole the mess actually wasnt that bad. I was pleasantly surprised. I go Oz in and had lunch with him in the lounge - they were around the house and had the gate open so it wasnt safe for him to play outside. They told me they were going to the living room next. So time was ticking. I necked my lunch and Oz went on his plush pad ready for his afternoon nap and i felt awful taking him home T^T hes in such a routine. Believe me Oz I was ready for an afternoon sleep too!!!

I put the girls outside for 90mins they seemed ok

I popped them home and my afternoon was full of nothingness as I couldnt think straight I was tired and headachy as the window glue was really chemical smelling.

Jack came home around 4:30pm which is when the men left and I was a bit disappointed when I asked them why they hadnt done the downstairs windowsills. He had made a mistake and only ordered enough windowsill for upstairs so I need windowsills for the downstairs another time. So I have nice windows and crappy old sills. 

Jack is mega pleased with the windows they look almost too modern for the house! I love the back door it feels so robust and I love how there is a window in it instead complete plastic door. Feels much more secure. They are coming back at 7:30am so no lie in and they have the kitchen window, bathroom window, craft room window, and front door to do and thats it!

My brother came over when the men left too! he was coming to talk to me about a few things. then  he left, I did dinner, and I put the girls out again. I didnt manage to do any exercise as my muscles have hurt all day from working out, im shattered and just done. I had a bath and sat with the girls on my knee for 30mins which was very nice and they know who I am and they were relaxed and happy so I was happy. Going to take loaf home now

Can not wait for bed

tomorrow

getting up early T^T got stuff to move and sort out and tidy up I guess. fun fun fun

mum and dad got to coast ok and stuff.

Windows are being ripped out tomorrow 0.0

 Evening

I couldnt sleep last night -______- and I was really sad as I have 2 pairs of summer compression socks and yesterday I went to find them, as its getting too hot for my winter woolly ones! And my favourite pair has a huge ass hole in them!! I knew they had the beginning of a hole last year but didnt realise that it was that big T^T they have had to go in the bin sadly. Leaving my longer and more uncomfortable pair...

So Jack said to buy more

I said "5 years ago they were £20, god forbid what they must be now!"

he said "I will go halves with you"

I said "no thats not fair, you dont get any benefit from them"

he said "i get a happier healthier Jo, and its not fair you always have to pay for your health"

I ended up having to get up til gone 11pm which is late for me because I was aching. Jack was already fast asleep, I went to wake him but he had a smile on his face so I left him

turns out he slept really well and he hasnt been. So I am glad I didnt wake him - he asks me to wake him EVERYTIME I can not sleep. Most of the time I dont wake him.

I didnt feel too much of a corpse this morning

school wasnt too bad. I saw Lizi, and I got all my jobs done that Jack asked me to do. I didnt say bye to him as he had gone upstairs to dispose of stuff and realised we needed another 50L of the sodium carbonate I have been making up. I said it was fine and we would get it done but he was stressy

I came  home and had lunch with mum and Oz, she left and I left Oz on plush pad and I laid on my bed 90mins I didnt fall asleep I just needed rest and quietness. I got up and Oz hadnt moved XD I had a cup of tea. I got a txt saying "your windows and doors will be delivered 3:30 - 4:30"

so I felt a lil stressed as Jack wouldnt be home by then and I didnt feel confident enough to handle the situation. I txt mum and she offered to come over for moral support so she did ^^

Jack arrived home at 5pm, still no windows. Mum left. I did dinner, we ate dinner

still no windows. I txt the guy at 6pm and said "is everything ok?"

he said "the clowns have delivered them to my house!" I cant imagine he was impressed by this as hes now got to get them here, but at least they showed up somewhere I guess! ^^; so my poor mother came over for nothing bless her. She didnt mind

I did my 20mins work out whilst Jack sorted out the bits in his study and spare room for tomorrow. Then I had a bath and he was still faffing. He should be getting in the bath soon I hope >.> 

I watered the garden and hung my new painting up ^^ so pleased with it

tomorrow

window guy is showing up before we go to work at 7:30am

my mum is dropping off her pigs around 10am - we made the cage up ready for them today

I come home at 12:15pm  and hopefully the house isnt a total dust ruin....god I am dreading it.

not sure what my afternoon will consist of as it depends how noisy it is and such. I will make sure girls are ok. I hope the weather remains good so my house doesnt get wet.

but yeah the house will get a transformation starting tomorrow

really should make the effort and do some digital work as I havent touched it for days ^^;

It's better today

 Evening

Because I thought I would be awake all night with self hate thoughts all about how fat I am etc, so I got off my butt and managed 15mins of exercise in my pyjamas, I just did weights so I wouldnt make myself hot and sweaty all over again. I felt better for making the effort to do. And boy was it EFFORT

I enjoyed playing pokemon last night, felt like the best part of my day

I actually slept last night much to my relief.

This morning it felt like a better day. I think I must have woken up on the wrong side of the bed yesterday! So yeah today felt better. I got my stew on and went to school

school was ok, I made some acid up - something I havent done for a while to be honest. But I was fine doing it. I got my day done

I had lunch with mummy and Oz. She made cakes and bought me some. after she left at almost 2pm....I went for an hour's sleep. Must have needed it as I fell straight to sleep.

When I got up I hung washing out, made biscuits, did some painting and got my painting finished! I am pleased with it. Its a lot more simple than I had planned but I like it and didnt want to add any more detail as I was worried about ruining it.

Jack came home and I dished the stew up which was soooooo good we loved it. I can cook ^^

after dinner I did 23 mins of exercise. Had a quick bath and just doing my diary. I will watch anime with Jack then go play pokemon in bed ^^ We started watching Rwby last night. I havent seen it but Jack has and the animation is so weird. I hope I can get used to the animation style.

tomorrow

school and sometime in the afternoon or evening my new windows and doors will be delivered. Jack has hopefully made enough room in the garage tonight.

shaved a bunny

 Evening

ahhhh I am so dead right now. I know I have exercise to do yet too -____-

Last night there was tears. Not many, but tears nonetheless. Just sat in bed contemplating the reason of my existence, when was the last time I was actually happy? what would make me happy? why do I keep going? whats the point in it all? humans are terrible creatures. Each day I have hear about people being unkind, murders, screwing people over, suffering.  Just everything in life feels crap at the moment. 

So I cried a bit, and was up til 11:30pm with Jack - which is late for me

I had nightmares and woke up many times. So yeah I wasnt feeling it this morning. I didnt want to go work but I also didnt want to work from home. To be honest I couldnt tell you what it is I do actually want to do. What would have made me happy in that moment and what would make me happy now

school was a slog. It felt a real effort to wear my daily mask. I somehow got on with it but if I could avoid people or conversations - I did. By literally walking away.

I left work and I had told mum that I was no company today and just wanted to eat and go to bed.

I got home and had lunch with my loaf, then he went on his plush pad for his afternoon sleep - his routine since I became part time XD I went to bed myself but not even for an hour as I was aching a lot. I got up and saw to Oz. But bless him hes just so warm. I was looking at him slightly panting and all he was doing was laying down. hes wearing his winter coat in 23c humidity. He cant breathe.

so at 3pm today I shaved my bunny >< i scooped him up and put him on some kitchen towel on the kitchen side and I began to use him clippers on him. I went at his backside as thats where he is shedding - just not fast enough, then I blended it into his waist as I didnt want to shave him all! His fur is so dense!!! now I have clipped him you have a real appreciation of how insulating rabbit fur is. Insane. He must have been suffocating. All I wanted to do was help him. I have NEVER clipped an animal before. But Oz he just sat there and let me do it almost like it was a relief for him and he knew I was trying to help. I popped him outside when I had finished and I was expecting him to flick his feet at me in disgust and to run a mile. But no. He was doing zoomies and binkys it was very cute. He looked happy if I am honest. Much to my surprise! But its weird seeing him right now as his back is white as its his under fur thats visible. I need to take a photo

I feel like I have managed to help him and provided him with a bit of comfort and relief. Good to know I can clip if I need to. I just didnt want to go crazy straight away

I was in the kitchen for 2 hours. doing tonights dinner and tomorrow's stew. Yeah it took me a while. I was trying to save Jack doing stuff but also because I am not at sitting and relaxing. Things I do feel pointless and meaningless. So doing the food made me feel productive and useful. 

However when Jack came home I got a bit of a telling off (in a loving non-shouting way) he says theres no point in me being part time if I am just gonna be doing stuff all the time and working myself to death in the kitchen. its true but I am struggling. I am not good and chilling out and being kind to myself. I hate myself a lot lately.

after dinner I laid curled on my bed with Hammington. I just couldnt be bothered with anything. I was too tired for exercise. Having a bath felt like a real effort too.

Tomorrow 

school and maybe seeing mummy if she wants to see me. I hope Oz manages to sleep with less of a coat on. We could tell the rat had been back so I had to block its walk way even further as it had dug the stones away I put there yesterday! jesus

we gotta rat

 Evening

It took me a while to sleep last night, I was anxious about work. I woke up a few times too

this morning I didnt wanna go. I just wasnt sure what I was doing at work

Work was ok tho

we put out our lessons for the day in the morning then it was pretty much just me and Jack in a lab doing chemical disposal. I was making up litre after litre of sodium carbonate to neutralise the nitric acid. I was SHATTERED trying to keep up with demand! Jack kept saying to take a break but I didnt as he was literally drinking my sodium up so I didnt want to let him down. But it was hurting me to stand when I finished my shift.

I got home and had lunch with mum and went bed. Exhausted.

when I got up I sat and had a brew and then did some painting. I made Donburi for the first time when Jack came home, it was ok I guess. Bit too oniony for my liking tho but I would probably eat it again.

I mentioned to Jack that 2 weeks ago, I thought Oz was getting through his food dish pretty quick each day but thought as he was shedding he was needing more calories? so I didnt think much of it. But then we finished a bag of food rather fast too. So I wondered "is something eating his food out his dish whilst hes playing out?" so today I took note of how  much food was left in his dish and when I came back to it - having kept Oz in the lounge with me today - the dish was empty....

something was indeed going into his empty open cage and helping themselves.

After dinner we went into the garage with Oz to move the spare guinea hutch ready for the girls to come stay on thursday night. Upon moving stuff around I shouted "RAT!!"" it was there!!! after only having solved the puzzle today did I actually see it! jack didnt get chance to see it. So yes we have a rat. First it was a mouse now a rat. Great. I looked into the cabinet it dove beneath, to find loads of rat droppings....ewww. So thats it then. We found where its getting in and out and I am gonna go block it up once Oz has gone home. Hopefully the rat has left the garage by now. Dont really wanna block it in under that cabinet...I will have to then shut Oz's cage up all the time - making it so Oz cant go home - not that he does often to be honest. I will have to have him often to top him up with food and drink.

its not a total disaster as there doesnt look to be a nest, Oz isnt harmed by the rat or got fleas from it or anything like that. So could be a lot worse. Just something else to deal with. I am hoping by making food not assessable and run ways blocked off, that the rat will leave. I do not want to poison or kill.

I did 10mins of my new 2kg weights and boy can I feel it!!! dear god thats heavy.... and only 20kg....Theo's weights are 20kg....each.... T^T I dont wanna be like that tho XD

tomorrow

school and normal school day too, but next monday will be another disposal day.