Pokemon Psychics and my depression

 Evening

So we had tears last night

I got to bed and could feel my legs throbbing and I also was having so many thoughts. One being my favourite part of the day is bed - sleep - being out of pain, not having the think, not having to do anything and keeping up. My best part of the day in not being conscious. Thats not right is it? I thought "what do I want in life? what makes me happy? what do I want to do? why do I endlessly suffer to have nothing good happen. I cant walk, I cant go anywhere. whats the point in life?"

My legs hurt

I would have cut them if I knew it would have helped. If I knew it would provide relief. So that was a self harm thought. 

I cried

Jack realised I was crying.

We got up and there on the sofa I confessed everything that way weighing on my mind

that I havent been happy for many months now

that even why I draw and stuff, I dont get any joy from it. I just do it. I go through the motions. almost like a job. I like working out but I get set back like my legs. so even when I am trying to help myself my body fights back. 

I made it very clear I was happy with my Jack and grateful for everything he does. I didnt want him to think I was unhappy in life because of him. No way. Love my Jack and I couldnt go on without him.

We had a piece of flap jack mum bought over and a cup of tea and went to bed around 11:30pm I was awake til gone midnight as there was a police helicopter looking for something. Jack was well off. 

I slept apart from that and the alarm was needed. I needed sleep

I got out of bed and my legs felt like an octopus has strangled and constricted my legs with growing pains. That was my first stand of that. I couldnt walk could I. I couldnt go to school. Not like this. But i wasnt 100% sure what I would do from home

Jack went to sleep

I went to work at my desk, I kept re-doing things, I changed designs. I could not think straight. I was getting frustrated. I went to bed and woke up 2 and half hours later at midday....WTF

when did the last time that happen!?

to be honest I came to terms then that my depression is bad, I think it has been getting bad for a while now I just wouldnt accept it. I felt poorly today like mentally poorly and the affect that has on the body. 

I got up and had lunch quickly then went back to work. I managed to get a bit done but dont feel i was that productive today. Wasnt my best effort. But I guess I wasnt feeling my best.

I managed to finish my next pokemon piece and I think I will leave it there with pokemon for a bit and draw something different.

I bought Oz in for a drink and something to eat and then mum came to pick me up. Oz sat on the sofa and I sat with the pigs on my lap. I told her about last night and how I think its just my depression and that I dont want anymore mental help. 

I checked my phone as I was a bit anxious about Jack. He would be driving to his mums from school by himself for the first time. I txt him asking if he was ok and he rang me saying he just got back to school after having a massive heart attack - driving to his mums to find the main road closed and he was unsure where he was driving then found his way back. he said he would ring his step dad and ask the way. He then txt me to say he was gonna have another attempt. He did it. So proud I thought he would do it. 

She did dinner and I ate dinner with mum and dad it was there 32nd wedding anniversary. Mum had made a cake - excuse for a cake. It was so good I struggled to finish it but I sure as hell shoved that last bite down me. i was happy I had managed dinner without getting stressed out as I felt stressed out and out my comfort zone with it last night

It's 8:30pm Jack hasnt left his mum's yet! He's got a bath here waiting for him XD ive had to do the washing up and my medication. I hope he gets back ok. I told him not to rush and that I was totally fine. I was home safe and Oz was home - he had such a lovely time hopping round mums garden I bet hes shattered.

tomorrow

id like to be able to go to school

i dont fancy another day from home

I told mum id like to go somewhere with her after school, she said she would like to but to see how my legs were first.

I am gonna hop into bed and play pokemon

went to school and my loaf

 Evening

I had to get up for pain killers and was up till 11pm but I slept from there. Needed more sleep tho -__-

I wasnt sure what to do today as once again my legs felt pretty good from the heat lamp but I knew they were far from 100% so I didnt want to push myself. I also wasnt sure what work I would do at home. I wanted to go school in a way just so I got get my 4 hours done

I made the decision to go

my worst decision was my clothes tho. My work top is fitted and I wore leggings. So a fitted outfit basically and all I could all day was how fat I was and how my clothes stuck to me and I could feel them, making me feel fat and conscious. I actually felt quite stressed out with this. I confessed it all to Jack when we were by ourselves. He has said I can wear one of his uniform tops tomorrow as he obviously wears a bigger size and he says to wear joggers. Less stress and comfier. It was a good suggestion from him ^^

I got my day done, pretty much just did display work so it wasnt that bad. I was mainly at my desk. 

I came away and felt exhausted. Mum came and had lunch with me and Oz. 

My loaf~

The guy came to look at the pavement and when he left at 2:30pm I went to bed for an hour not intentionally it just happened >< so I hope I sleep tonight!

I got up and made my self a tea and then made biscuits

Jack came home and we did dinner

I told him that I am exhausted, my legs are hurting and I am  not sure if I can exercise tonight.

I feel bad not exercising but my body is tired

I will sit and do some drawing probably

tomorrow

school and I hope I can go but I will have to see how I am. 

but it will be a different evening as Jack is going over to his mums for dinner - I was invited but I dont have the energy for that. Mum then offered for me to have dinner with them as its their wedding anniversary and shes making a cake. I was sold on cake. So were both going over to our family's house to have dinner! just a bit weird how thats worked out.

didnt manage to go to school but legs feel much better today

 Evening

Last night I did achieve a bit of digital art for myself. I also sat with the heat lamp during anime which was ok its just very bright! I had Jack hissing at it XD

I slept much better last night and the alarm was needed. God knows what time I would have woken up!

I got up and my legs felt so much better! Like the best theyve felt in a week or so! was it the heat lamp? I felt I could have gone school, but I knew id be pushing myself just because I felt better. One of my resolutions this year is to be kinder to myself. I told Jack all this and he said I should take the extra day off to recover and not push myself just because things seemed better today.

I was to stay home and work. again.

Jack went off to work leaving me.

So I got on with information for my display. I wrote 5 pages! I was impressed with myself. I did take breaks and had a nap too. Saw mum for lunch which was nice, she gave Oz banana on his plush pad. We all go to him and feed him he doesnt even have to get up for treats XD so spoiled. oh I also did 18mins of weights on the floor so not to stress my legs out.

at 3:50pm I went on my bed and started playing pokemon then Jack came in at 4:15pm we had a cup of tea and a catch up and then we did dinner which was good. 

I will go for a bath soon and maybe work on my drawing some more. I am gonna sit with the heat lamp again on my legs tonight

Tomorrow

I will hopefully be attending school, I would like to go get the day done. Working at home is easier for me as I can space my 4 hours of work out to make life easier on me and my body but it does mean I lose a lot of my afternoon. But then I tend to come home and fall asleep from work and lose some of my afternoon that way :/ hmmm

at 2pm I also have someone coming over to assess the lamp post out side our house (fun!) as we would like it moving. Its really in a bad position and my dad has been on at me since we got the keys for the house to get the lamp post moved -_____- Someone has already been over to look at it so Im not sure why someone else is now coming? its weird. Only want it moving 2 metres for christ sake. Feel it will be a short waste of time but mum says she will be here to support me

missed my first day back but got pictures done

 Evening

I struggled to sleep last night and even when I got off I knew I was tossing in my sleep, my hair was a big knot in the morning! But I woke up sadly at 3:30am...I did try to get back to sleep and at 4am I couldnt bare the pain any longer so I went to wake jack up as he asked me to wake him. He said "come here you" and cuddled me. Not helping. So I left his arms and got up for pain killers, as time went on I knew I wouldnt be able to sleep so at 6am I woke Jack up. he has no memory of cuddling me in the night....he was hard to wake too. If someone pokes me I am awake. I have to almost shake Jack

So I got up and yes of course I was tired but I still wanted to go to school, but I could barely stand. Doing my teeth I was hopping from leg to the other and I went to itch my leg which hurt!!! You know when you have a bruise and you poke it and it hurts - well thats how my whole leg felt. They also had their own heartbeat - they throbbed so much, this was also new

I have never experience leg pain quite like it

Last night I had sat the massager on them for 15mins and I felt a bit better for doing so, I am wondering now if that was all a bit much for them.

Unfortunately I had to stay home today. I cried to Jack a bit as I was so fed up and tired. I worked from home, he went to school.

I did some work and I actually went to bed for an hour I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow, how come I cant do that at night!? I decided that I had the whole day to do my 4 hours of work, why slog myself and make myself suffer. So i got up, did some work, saw mum for lunch for 90mins, worked, laid down a bit more. Sorted some stuff for charity bag and then at 3:50pm I finished! I got all 7 pictures drawn! I am pleased with how much I got done today.

They look cute right, theyre for a display for school about pets.

Jack came home at 4:10pm we sat and had a cup of tea and caught up about the day

we did dinner which I was looking forward to - it was noodles. But I didnt realise the noodles I had bought we're rice they were made from bean (glass noodles) and I didnt like the taste or texture so I did try to eat my dinner but I couldnt after a bit the taste was making me feel sick.

Oz has played out for hours today hes been so sweet. Enjoying the garden bless him.

I had to boot him out at 8:30am as he wanted attention constantly and I needed to work!

I might try doing some arm exercises tonight as I feel guilty not moving much today and i dont wanna hurt from not doing much. But nothing standing or leg work. no way.

tomorrow

its school and I am hoping I can attend. I have work to do if I can not attend but I would like to be able to go. Working from home is so dull. I am lucky to have this option as it means my sick days dont rack up but the days are long and lonely. Could no way do this mon-fri 9-5 like some people do!

Fingers crossed I do not have a repeat of last night 

going back to school tomorrow, I still cant walk

 Evening

I couldnt sleep last night, and Jack came to bed around 11:30pm so that disturbed me a bit to be honest. We ended up getting up til midnight, Jack suggested I do some yoga so I started stretching for a few minutes but my body afterwards was so aggravated by those stretches it hurt so much. I didnt think I would sleep at all to be honest last night. But I thought I would try so we played on our switchs in bed til half past. I slept through from there. I woke up at 9am....9am!!! When was the last time I woke so late!? clearly needed sleep. jack didnt wake til 10am.

I bought Oz in straight away as I thought he was probably wondering where I was! Hes my first thought every morning. and that loaf has been in 10 hours today. bloody house bun!!!

He has had loads of fuss, hes had treats, he did bunny yoga with me. but yeah I spent loads of time on the floor with him today just admiring his very being. i love him so much.

We didnt go anywhere today or even get dressed! Yup we had a pyjama day. I feel a bit slobbish doing it. But I would only be in joggers and tshirt so its the same clothes really!

I did some drawing but god today I ached and had the headache Ive had all this week. I did 45mins of yoga, I attempted some weights but it made my body scream so i decided not to push things

Jack has been  on his switch id say about 6 hours today on the same game - Sunless Sea. Which plays the same 3 BGM, my god it gets on my nerves! I try not to tune into it but how he plays that game for 6 hours I have no clue. I sat drawing behind him and Oz was just in the living room with us. i made dinner and some biscuits and just ached throughout the day

Oh we also did some loaf maintenance, by which I mean we cut Oz's claws and we trimmed his tummy fur back too. He was good boy 

I put Oz home at 7pm once he had been in 10 hours >.> loaf

then i sat and did a bit of pamper I bleached my eyebrows, dyed eyelashes, face scrub, hair pack, face sheet, hot bath. Yup Jo is fresh~

Think it will be anime and switchs in bed.  I havent had Jack to play by my side since weds night! 

tomorrow

ugh school. ughhhh. Going back. Whats worse is, I still cant walk very well. Doing the dinner about killed me off too. I dont know whats gone wrong really. So I am not looking forward to going and slogging myself.

gardening is done for this holiday

 Evening

its 8:40pm! 

I slept pretty well last night I even didnt wake to Jack getting in the bed! I was long gone I was dead!

I got up at 8am tho and once again my legs hurt to walk I had a banging headache like my brain was trying to force its way out my skull. Yup another day in my holiday of feeling like death!

I went to clean Oz out and he helped then I came in and got dressed. Jack went out again into the garden this morning, I went and kept him company as I know hes tiring of it all! 

we had lunch and after lunch my parents came over to help Jack with the garden once more, I wanted nothing more than the sweet numbness of sleep. I tried so hard to sleep on my bed but I was struggling as it felt like I was on concrete. Then just as I was drifting off finally, my brother rang -_____- great timing. So I never did get any rest.

I went on my laptop to draw and I had Oz in with me. 

Everyone was gardening til almost 4pm again!! My poor Jack looks exhausted. His hayfever is so bad too. But the garden is truly looking better! he finished the corner now. We just need some nice pots for it ^^ 

We had showers and dinner, then after dinner we went to the shops and did our weekly shop. I struggled to walk round the shop to be honest. I was feeling a bit like an old person haha but we got it done and got fuel (so expensive) and came home at 8pm. I bought Oz in for a late night fuss. Hes usually in bed for 7pm bless him. i will go take him home in a minute.

I was gonna clean the bathroom tonight but im tired and time is getting on. Instead I will sit back with a hot chocolate then paint my nails as Jack is gaming with Harvey and Theo anyway. Another night alone but thats fine as I have jack almost every night. Hes earned to play with his friends! jeez. He needs time for himself considering how hard hes worked this holiday bless him.

tomorrow

think Jack wants a pyjama day XD we dont need to go out anywhere now so yeah he wants a pyjama day. he is forbidden from doing any gardening, I want him to rest before school on monday and also it might rain tomorrow anyway. but he needs rest! I hope to be able to do some exercise tomorrow as its been 3 days without any and ive eaten loads T^T im fat blob

everyone has worked so hard on the garden tho. It looks so different this holiday. I am so impressed with jack. He hates gardening but has stuck with it and kept going despite his hayfever killing him off. Mum and dad have been good support too. Its becoming the more simple and easy to manage garden we need

Garden is taking shape

 Evening

I struggled to get off to sleep last night so we got up til 11pm, I kept waking up during the night as I was aching. I got up at 7:30am as we were having soil delivered sometime in the morning.

I felt like total death. My head was pounding and my ears were sensitive to sound. I hurt all over and my legs hurt to stand and walk. So all in all, I just wanted to crawl into bed and forget the day.

Jack went out to garden almost straight away this morning. Dad dropped over our fixed wheelbarrow and also dropped off mums head tens machine, a tens machine for headaches! it seems to help her but I havent had a go yet but I gave it a go and it didnt help my pounding head much but did take the sensitivity from ears so I guess it did help a bit

I kept sitting outside with jack to keep him company

We had lunch and then I so desperately wanted to escape my pain and discomfort in sleep but the bed was making me ache so I got up. Literally zero relief for me. I have to suffer. Mum and dad both came over to help Jack garden. Jack had caught the sun hes been out in it for that long today! hes done so well. Mum helped him with the rockery and my dad weeded the front. I stayed inside. My brother came over and kept me company for an hour then they all went home

We had showers then I made biscuits then we had dinner

Oz is shattered. He has been so busy today. Hes had a lot of supervising to do today XD hes been there all the time watching over and hopping round. Hes so tired bless him. He loves gardening

Jack has got his friday night gaming, so I will be by myself tonight which is no problem he has more than deserved this time for himself. I will do some drawing with Oz then he can come out and help me water plants then I will see what I will do from there. I am so tired but feel I have no right to say I am tired as I have done nothing today.

tomorrow think Jack wants to do a bit more gardening and mum says she will come help him again. We said we would do the food shop and Jack has gaming with Harvey and Theo at 8:30pm. Me, I have zero things to do. and zero life. I have wasted this week's holiday. My health has been so bad I have been unable to do any of things I thought I was gonna do T^T

My life just hasnt been easy lately, its my cousins 24th birthday today and I usually send her something but I didnt even send her a card this year T^T