before after

 Evening

We were up til almost midnight because of me. I hurt. As usual. So Jack came to bed at almost 11pm after gaming and then had to deal with me -______-

I got up at 8am after having a dream about raiding a werewolf monster lair and finding myself at a spooky house belonging to a vampire and then the vampire wanted to marry me and wouldnt let me go. Like something out of a teen novel isnt it XD Jack didnt get up til 10am

By which I had got ready, cleaned Oz out and cleaned the bathroom. I hadnt really bothered with breakfast. I wasnt hungry and I couldnt be bothered to make myself anything ether. Once Jack was up I went back to bed. I felt so done with life. Really couldnt do life today.

I got up and had a BIG lunch to make up for my lack of breakfast. But it did nothing. No energy still. I tried to draw. but it was all just an effort. I went back to bed.

I got up and had a cup of tea with Jack who has gamed all day really. I managed to sit and do some drawing, Oz picked my spirits up. I wanted him earlier but he was so content in his fresh hutch I didnt want to bother him. I googled my house and the photos are still online from when we bought it and me and Jack were having a flick through as the house and garden looks totally different we have done SO much. Honestly. It boosted my mood. I can tell my depression is ruling life right now.

Here is our new front door too~

I made biscuits and now Im doing dinner

I say dinner, I told Jack I dont want to sit and eat a meal. I just cant face it. I am also not in the mood to cook. I know he would have cooked if I had asked him but I just want any of it tonight. So I have whacked a pizza in the oven for him and Im gonna have a warm cookie and milk hot chocolate as its better than nothing and will hopefully give me a sugar boost.

After dinner we are going to go and do our food shop for the week. Then have baths.

Im not sure if I will do any exercise tonight or not but I would like to do my nails.

tomorrow

Mia is coming over at some time in the morning. And at some time in the morning Jack is going over to his mums and then theyre taking him down to birmingham to have a buffet with his nan and his cousins family. I was obviously invited but I am no way up to that. Not only do have zero energy right now to look happy for people and make conversation, I cant sit in the car for that long then sit uncomfortably at his nans house for hours and hours. Cus yeah he wont be home til like gone 9pm probably!

so its day by myself really tomorrow but I am fine about that and I dont want Jack to miss out on family time cus of me.

Garden so far

Evening

Jack got home at 9:15pm and went for a bath and sorted himself out, he came in the bedroom and I was trying to sleep at this point as it was nearly 10pm and I was nicely settled. But he kept talking to me whilst getting dressed. In the end I said "can we talk about this tomorrow?" he said "yeah yeah sure" as he wasnt getting the hint that I didnt want to talk right then!

I slept really quite well to be honest much to my surprise

I got up and didnt care how my legs were feeling - i was going school

School was ok, I mean I was struggling to walk but once I had finished my prepping I sat and did display work and got quite for with it actually, I was happy with my work effort today.

I left school and got home, I had lunch with mum and Oz and she bought us both a slice of cake from yesterday ^^ so happy!!! 

I wanted to go round a shop aimlessly, I wanted to go round TK but I needed to be realistic. I was struggling to walk but I could a little. So we went to a garden centre. I didnt walk round all of it and told mum when I needed to leave as theres no where to sit down obviously. I picked up a baby cactus to replace the one that died in my Viridian forest the other week. It was only £1.49 and ive rescued it. I liked it in the shop but now as I look at it, its looks a lil like a garden weed! all well XD

I got home and went straight to bed for an hour and woke up feeling crippled. I ached. I wondered if doing a bit of exercise would help. No. I did do 15mins of weights but it was making me hurt. I ran a bath and soaked, Jack came home and I let him have the bath whilst I got dinner ready. I was determined to get him on time to his nerdery session. He was only 10mins late. So not bad

I went out to water the garden and Oz just watched me water his kingdom. Hes still out but I will put him home soon. He likes to be in bed at 7 and its 7:30pm ill see how he does

I am by myself again tonight but its fine I dont mind. I might draw, I have got to do my meal plans and shopping list.

tomorrow

chores and were gonna do food shop in the evening as we're busy sunday. About it

here is the garden so far anyway. The corner was just mud, 1000 weeds, few massive bushes and now its a 2 tier rockery garden. I kept forgetting to upload the photo. The grass seeds needs to fill in a few areas yet

Pokemon Psychics and my depression

 Evening

So we had tears last night

I got to bed and could feel my legs throbbing and I also was having so many thoughts. One being my favourite part of the day is bed - sleep - being out of pain, not having the think, not having to do anything and keeping up. My best part of the day in not being conscious. Thats not right is it? I thought "what do I want in life? what makes me happy? what do I want to do? why do I endlessly suffer to have nothing good happen. I cant walk, I cant go anywhere. whats the point in life?"

My legs hurt

I would have cut them if I knew it would have helped. If I knew it would provide relief. So that was a self harm thought. 

I cried

Jack realised I was crying.

We got up and there on the sofa I confessed everything that way weighing on my mind

that I havent been happy for many months now

that even why I draw and stuff, I dont get any joy from it. I just do it. I go through the motions. almost like a job. I like working out but I get set back like my legs. so even when I am trying to help myself my body fights back. 

I made it very clear I was happy with my Jack and grateful for everything he does. I didnt want him to think I was unhappy in life because of him. No way. Love my Jack and I couldnt go on without him.

We had a piece of flap jack mum bought over and a cup of tea and went to bed around 11:30pm I was awake til gone midnight as there was a police helicopter looking for something. Jack was well off. 

I slept apart from that and the alarm was needed. I needed sleep

I got out of bed and my legs felt like an octopus has strangled and constricted my legs with growing pains. That was my first stand of that. I couldnt walk could I. I couldnt go to school. Not like this. But i wasnt 100% sure what I would do from home

Jack went to sleep

I went to work at my desk, I kept re-doing things, I changed designs. I could not think straight. I was getting frustrated. I went to bed and woke up 2 and half hours later at midday....WTF

when did the last time that happen!?

to be honest I came to terms then that my depression is bad, I think it has been getting bad for a while now I just wouldnt accept it. I felt poorly today like mentally poorly and the affect that has on the body. 

I got up and had lunch quickly then went back to work. I managed to get a bit done but dont feel i was that productive today. Wasnt my best effort. But I guess I wasnt feeling my best.

I managed to finish my next pokemon piece and I think I will leave it there with pokemon for a bit and draw something different.

I bought Oz in for a drink and something to eat and then mum came to pick me up. Oz sat on the sofa and I sat with the pigs on my lap. I told her about last night and how I think its just my depression and that I dont want anymore mental help. 

I checked my phone as I was a bit anxious about Jack. He would be driving to his mums from school by himself for the first time. I txt him asking if he was ok and he rang me saying he just got back to school after having a massive heart attack - driving to his mums to find the main road closed and he was unsure where he was driving then found his way back. he said he would ring his step dad and ask the way. He then txt me to say he was gonna have another attempt. He did it. So proud I thought he would do it. 

She did dinner and I ate dinner with mum and dad it was there 32nd wedding anniversary. Mum had made a cake - excuse for a cake. It was so good I struggled to finish it but I sure as hell shoved that last bite down me. i was happy I had managed dinner without getting stressed out as I felt stressed out and out my comfort zone with it last night

It's 8:30pm Jack hasnt left his mum's yet! He's got a bath here waiting for him XD ive had to do the washing up and my medication. I hope he gets back ok. I told him not to rush and that I was totally fine. I was home safe and Oz was home - he had such a lovely time hopping round mums garden I bet hes shattered.

tomorrow

id like to be able to go to school

i dont fancy another day from home

I told mum id like to go somewhere with her after school, she said she would like to but to see how my legs were first.

I am gonna hop into bed and play pokemon

went to school and my loaf

 Evening

I had to get up for pain killers and was up till 11pm but I slept from there. Needed more sleep tho -__-

I wasnt sure what to do today as once again my legs felt pretty good from the heat lamp but I knew they were far from 100% so I didnt want to push myself. I also wasnt sure what work I would do at home. I wanted to go school in a way just so I got get my 4 hours done

I made the decision to go

my worst decision was my clothes tho. My work top is fitted and I wore leggings. So a fitted outfit basically and all I could all day was how fat I was and how my clothes stuck to me and I could feel them, making me feel fat and conscious. I actually felt quite stressed out with this. I confessed it all to Jack when we were by ourselves. He has said I can wear one of his uniform tops tomorrow as he obviously wears a bigger size and he says to wear joggers. Less stress and comfier. It was a good suggestion from him ^^

I got my day done, pretty much just did display work so it wasnt that bad. I was mainly at my desk. 

I came away and felt exhausted. Mum came and had lunch with me and Oz. 

My loaf~

The guy came to look at the pavement and when he left at 2:30pm I went to bed for an hour not intentionally it just happened >< so I hope I sleep tonight!

I got up and made my self a tea and then made biscuits

Jack came home and we did dinner

I told him that I am exhausted, my legs are hurting and I am  not sure if I can exercise tonight.

I feel bad not exercising but my body is tired

I will sit and do some drawing probably

tomorrow

school and I hope I can go but I will have to see how I am. 

but it will be a different evening as Jack is going over to his mums for dinner - I was invited but I dont have the energy for that. Mum then offered for me to have dinner with them as its their wedding anniversary and shes making a cake. I was sold on cake. So were both going over to our family's house to have dinner! just a bit weird how thats worked out.

didnt manage to go to school but legs feel much better today

 Evening

Last night I did achieve a bit of digital art for myself. I also sat with the heat lamp during anime which was ok its just very bright! I had Jack hissing at it XD

I slept much better last night and the alarm was needed. God knows what time I would have woken up!

I got up and my legs felt so much better! Like the best theyve felt in a week or so! was it the heat lamp? I felt I could have gone school, but I knew id be pushing myself just because I felt better. One of my resolutions this year is to be kinder to myself. I told Jack all this and he said I should take the extra day off to recover and not push myself just because things seemed better today.

I was to stay home and work. again.

Jack went off to work leaving me.

So I got on with information for my display. I wrote 5 pages! I was impressed with myself. I did take breaks and had a nap too. Saw mum for lunch which was nice, she gave Oz banana on his plush pad. We all go to him and feed him he doesnt even have to get up for treats XD so spoiled. oh I also did 18mins of weights on the floor so not to stress my legs out.

at 3:50pm I went on my bed and started playing pokemon then Jack came in at 4:15pm we had a cup of tea and a catch up and then we did dinner which was good. 

I will go for a bath soon and maybe work on my drawing some more. I am gonna sit with the heat lamp again on my legs tonight

Tomorrow

I will hopefully be attending school, I would like to go get the day done. Working at home is easier for me as I can space my 4 hours of work out to make life easier on me and my body but it does mean I lose a lot of my afternoon. But then I tend to come home and fall asleep from work and lose some of my afternoon that way :/ hmmm

at 2pm I also have someone coming over to assess the lamp post out side our house (fun!) as we would like it moving. Its really in a bad position and my dad has been on at me since we got the keys for the house to get the lamp post moved -_____- Someone has already been over to look at it so Im not sure why someone else is now coming? its weird. Only want it moving 2 metres for christ sake. Feel it will be a short waste of time but mum says she will be here to support me

missed my first day back but got pictures done

 Evening

I struggled to sleep last night and even when I got off I knew I was tossing in my sleep, my hair was a big knot in the morning! But I woke up sadly at 3:30am...I did try to get back to sleep and at 4am I couldnt bare the pain any longer so I went to wake jack up as he asked me to wake him. He said "come here you" and cuddled me. Not helping. So I left his arms and got up for pain killers, as time went on I knew I wouldnt be able to sleep so at 6am I woke Jack up. he has no memory of cuddling me in the night....he was hard to wake too. If someone pokes me I am awake. I have to almost shake Jack

So I got up and yes of course I was tired but I still wanted to go to school, but I could barely stand. Doing my teeth I was hopping from leg to the other and I went to itch my leg which hurt!!! You know when you have a bruise and you poke it and it hurts - well thats how my whole leg felt. They also had their own heartbeat - they throbbed so much, this was also new

I have never experience leg pain quite like it

Last night I had sat the massager on them for 15mins and I felt a bit better for doing so, I am wondering now if that was all a bit much for them.

Unfortunately I had to stay home today. I cried to Jack a bit as I was so fed up and tired. I worked from home, he went to school.

I did some work and I actually went to bed for an hour I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow, how come I cant do that at night!? I decided that I had the whole day to do my 4 hours of work, why slog myself and make myself suffer. So i got up, did some work, saw mum for lunch for 90mins, worked, laid down a bit more. Sorted some stuff for charity bag and then at 3:50pm I finished! I got all 7 pictures drawn! I am pleased with how much I got done today.

They look cute right, theyre for a display for school about pets.

Jack came home at 4:10pm we sat and had a cup of tea and caught up about the day

we did dinner which I was looking forward to - it was noodles. But I didnt realise the noodles I had bought we're rice they were made from bean (glass noodles) and I didnt like the taste or texture so I did try to eat my dinner but I couldnt after a bit the taste was making me feel sick.

Oz has played out for hours today hes been so sweet. Enjoying the garden bless him.

I had to boot him out at 8:30am as he wanted attention constantly and I needed to work!

I might try doing some arm exercises tonight as I feel guilty not moving much today and i dont wanna hurt from not doing much. But nothing standing or leg work. no way.

tomorrow

its school and I am hoping I can attend. I have work to do if I can not attend but I would like to be able to go. Working from home is so dull. I am lucky to have this option as it means my sick days dont rack up but the days are long and lonely. Could no way do this mon-fri 9-5 like some people do!

Fingers crossed I do not have a repeat of last night 

going back to school tomorrow, I still cant walk

 Evening

I couldnt sleep last night, and Jack came to bed around 11:30pm so that disturbed me a bit to be honest. We ended up getting up til midnight, Jack suggested I do some yoga so I started stretching for a few minutes but my body afterwards was so aggravated by those stretches it hurt so much. I didnt think I would sleep at all to be honest last night. But I thought I would try so we played on our switchs in bed til half past. I slept through from there. I woke up at 9am....9am!!! When was the last time I woke so late!? clearly needed sleep. jack didnt wake til 10am.

I bought Oz in straight away as I thought he was probably wondering where I was! Hes my first thought every morning. and that loaf has been in 10 hours today. bloody house bun!!!

He has had loads of fuss, hes had treats, he did bunny yoga with me. but yeah I spent loads of time on the floor with him today just admiring his very being. i love him so much.

We didnt go anywhere today or even get dressed! Yup we had a pyjama day. I feel a bit slobbish doing it. But I would only be in joggers and tshirt so its the same clothes really!

I did some drawing but god today I ached and had the headache Ive had all this week. I did 45mins of yoga, I attempted some weights but it made my body scream so i decided not to push things

Jack has been  on his switch id say about 6 hours today on the same game - Sunless Sea. Which plays the same 3 BGM, my god it gets on my nerves! I try not to tune into it but how he plays that game for 6 hours I have no clue. I sat drawing behind him and Oz was just in the living room with us. i made dinner and some biscuits and just ached throughout the day

Oh we also did some loaf maintenance, by which I mean we cut Oz's claws and we trimmed his tummy fur back too. He was good boy 

I put Oz home at 7pm once he had been in 10 hours >.> loaf

then i sat and did a bit of pamper I bleached my eyebrows, dyed eyelashes, face scrub, hair pack, face sheet, hot bath. Yup Jo is fresh~

Think it will be anime and switchs in bed.  I havent had Jack to play by my side since weds night! 

tomorrow

ugh school. ughhhh. Going back. Whats worse is, I still cant walk very well. Doing the dinner about killed me off too. I dont know whats gone wrong really. So I am not looking forward to going and slogging myself.