Be grateful for the downgrade I guess

 Evening

I slept pretty well last night and got up at 7:30am

I got ready and went over to mummy's at 9

we went to the shops and were gone like 2 hours -_____- to say we had both had enough was an understatement. We were done!! It was worth the trip tho I got new plant pots ^^ I got garage door paint

we came back here and had a cup of tea and a biscuit.

Then I took the 3 of us up to dad's garage uughhh

the reception was awful. Why is my dad so rude? why does he hate me so much? why is he such an arse hole?

I grabbed the keys and took me and Jack for test drive 1min down the road. 

The car is like a copper Corsa 2003 banger. Like she old. She very uncomfortable. She is a massive down grade to what I had. I finally felt like more of an adult as I had an actual DECENT car. And this....this is just depressing. I came back and told mum the seats feel knackered its super uncomfortable and I want to pay the 2grand to fix my car.

But after my melt down had subsided I understood that throwing money at my car would only be wasteful, it also wouldnt guarantee that £2000 would fix the issue it may need MORE. So it would be a money pit basically. I was also grateful that we even had another car. I could be car-less and have to survive off buses. I also was grateful of the fact that my car hasnt actually exploded yet so I will still have something to sell, not just £400 of scrap metal value.

we came away with both cars.

I had lunch at home

then decided I would have a cry

yup

cus I was tired, stressed out a lot and didnt know which way to turn

I was having a massive down grade in car, in some uncomfortable heap

Its so unfair that my car is dead anyway

I would need to sell my car

SORN my car off the road

Tax 'new' one

Insure 'new' one 

A CLEAN IT

dear god did it need a clean

I had zero energy. I cried til my face stung. I was just stressed and tired

I rang my mum

I told her how it was

I was to go over to hers to start cleaning the car. She was gonna do it alone but I couldnt allow that. I was still upset when Jack found me. I actually was starting to feel dizzy and faint from exhaustion so he said to just go bed and he will clean the car

he rang mum and told her whats what. She came here to help Jack clean the car. I laid on the bed and calmed down. My eyes felt huge and hot my face stung.

After they clean for almost 90mins (just interior for now) mummy went home she was shattered.

We sat a minute then I had a shower, did the dinner. I looked at selling my current one and I got a quote which was £2750 but I doubt that I will receive that much once they see it. They will never give the quote they just give you a high quote to make you bring the car through the door. I am not stupid. Despite never doing this before. 

I am not sure what I am doing the rest of tonight. I have nothing else to give. I didnt even exercise as my body was shaking from exhaustion.

so tomorrow~

wooooo bring on tomorrow -_____-

gotta get up at 7:30am so we can get out early for food shopping. Then I suppose I will have car admin to sort. Then Jack at 1pm is gaming online with Chris and friends. I dont know what I am doing tomorrow afternoon. Sleep and more SLEEP......

massively stressed out today, water issues and my poor car

 Evening

ahhhhh i couldnt sleep >.> Jack didnt go on his phone or play longer on his switch. When he turns his switch off the same time as me and calls it a night, I struggle to sleep cus he falls asleep instantly and he breathes annoyingly so I struggle to sleep and struggle to resist the temptation to smother him in his sleep. So I was up til midnight.

We both woke up at 9:30am

I mean my excuse is  i got my 9 hours of needed sleep

Jack had like 11 hours of sleep!! whats his excuse!? jesus. He said he felt better for it and didnt realise he needed the sleep.

So this morning once we were up and ready, we tackled the radiator...

and thats were we were for 2 hours none stop

it was A LOT

It was going well, it was slow and time consuming as we are winging it, and taking our time so we dont screw up. We patched up the big wall fissure that the ants had been using to get into our house. We put the radiator back onto the wall once the crack had been patched up, Jack went to screw it back to the pipes and thats when problems happened

it didnt appreciate being disturbed. it leaked. And when taking it off the wall again to drain it again so he could clog the inner pipe, black water would come out. We have new carpets. we do no want black water on it. So he gave him trying to remove it and tried to make a seal on the outside of the pipe instead. But it kept leaking still.

during the whole thing I wasnt sure if I was gonna

faint

big sick

or empty my bowels 

yes thats how I felt

I was stressed. My stomach knotted

he put sealant round the pipe but it dripped, slower. He said he will layer up the sealant and eventually it would stop

I was so drained. I had been running round like a blue arse fly collecting stuff for Jack and cleaning up and stopping water flow. I was to be his errand girl I knew that as that was literally the only thing I was good for. But doing it for 2 hours whilst being stressed out was exhausting and I was reaching my limit

we left the sealant to dry with a drip tray underneath and made lunch

My mum txt to say she was coming at 2pm to come see me, drop my car off and to talk to us about the car

so as soon as I had lunch I started doing my meal plans for next week and the shopping list then mummy turned up. I made us both a tea, I spilt tea on the carpet and knocked over my flower vase so water went over my carpet. She helped me clean it up. I said "can you tell I am tired and done?"

she said

the car is dead. It cant be fixed unless we want to change the gearbox for £2000 which is about the value of the damn car. So basically I have a scrap car that I have got to pay £60 for after today.

Dad has a car that I can test drive ASAP

then I have to

sell my car

SORN my car off the road

TAX my new car

Insure my new car

at this point I cried

I had reached my limit of what I could handle in one day

with this mornings stress + the thought of my car (i love) being scrap, paying out for new car AND doing the admin for it on top. 

yep I cracked and had a cry on the carpet in front of mum and Jack like a child

but they both assured me that they will help me through it and I wont be left with it. Mum said to not test drive the car today as I clearly wasnt up for it. So she said she would go with me and Jack tomorrow morning to test drive, providing dad is there at his work place for me to test drive it.

she left as she could see I was done

I went to my bed and Jack came in, I cuddled him and shed a few more tears. I knew it was just cus I was tired and overstressed. My stomach was in knots and I was just exhausted 

I picked myself up and went to go draw a bit more on my canvas. I then went to do this diary post and then I will do dinner, I have fish soup out the freezer that I cant say I am looking forward to. 

I will have a bath then I think I will do some yoga or I might do yoga first, I will see how I feel. 

so tomorrow

I will go with mum and Jack to go test drive our potential new car. then me and mum might go do something I am not quite sure yet. See how the day goes.

I cant wait for sleep

10 hours worth of sleep

 Evening

I can tell I have broke up from school

I slept 10 hours last night! Not continuously but 10hours total nonetheless 

I cant tell you how much better I felt and my eye bags have been reduced too. I got up at 8am - yes I was so early to bed last night! 

We had a leisurely morning with the loaf then we went to go get ice cream!! We walked through a park and then both got 3 scoops of ice cream! thats the most I have ever ordered, but yes, I did finish the bugger it was so damn good. Worth every calorie. 

we went into about 5 charity shops afterwards, I picked up toddler books as I want to send Miho a load of gifts later in the year, Jack got 2 books. one with 850+ pages one with 950+pages. Insane. 

I also got a few new nail varnishes as some of mine have dried up

We came home and bought Oz in who was keen for lunch! we had lunch with him then I went on my laptop for a bit, then did a bit of my canvas

I went over to mum's around 2:45pm and had a brew with her. She kindly dropped me off home, I left my car there for dad to have a look at tomorrow. He has also bought a car that I can go test drive. He doesnt think my car is curable without spending heaps of money at it so hes been keeping an eye of for a replacement car. He wants me to sell mine whilst its still working and is actually worth something. 

I came home and had a bath, then we did dinner, I had to be on time with everything as Jack has gaming with his brother tonight, I did forget. As I was still finishing my dinner, flying ants came in again.....must be the 4th time. So we had to sort all that crap out. Jack has declared that tomorrow we will take the old radiator off the wall and patch the hole up the ants are coming in from. Fingers crossed we are able to do that and dont have water spurting out everywhere and need a plumber....

so I need to have the loaf inside with me as there is ant powder down outside again. I popped him away whilst we were on ant patrol but he can probably come back inside now. Bless him.

so tomorrow I am car-less and think we are taking the radiator off the wall....

oh and the food disappeared I had put out for the hedgehog. But then a rat could have eaten it. I wasnt up during the night to sit and watch. I might put meal worms out again.

hedgehog and finished school

 Evening

I couldnt sleep

surprise surprise

I was just lying awake. So I got up and did some drawing. My drawing is going quite well actually. As I sat in the lounge my patio light went on. I gasped as I couldnt believe what I was seeing at 12:30am

a hedgehog!!!! In my garden!!! I couldnt believe it. I went outside to look at it. It was big! reminds me of guinea pigs. I put out a cherry tomato and mushroom in a panic as I just wanted to feed it. It was late I was tired and not thinking. Safe to say it didnt eat them.

we are unsure where it is living tho. As our garden is secure - cus of Oz

however there is a small gap under our gate which I have seen Mr. Rat use on occasion so did it use that? or the big pile of wood we've had on the patio for months and months, is it living in there? it would make a good home actually. I need a thermal camera. If it is using the gate to the outside world, I dont know where it would actually live. I have meal worms for the birds and I am gonna leave some for the hedgehog tonight. I hope it keeps coming

I went back to bed at 1am. Shattered.

so today was the last day of the school term. We broke up for summer holidays now

I HATED my day it was hot and humid in the school, i was shattered and my body felt incredibly heavy. I felt like a slave. Just constantly doing crap for teachers. It went on and on and time passed so slowly. I could have cried everything felt like a huge effort, i was tired and working in hot and humid places. Hell. Couldnt wait to finish. as soon as it hit 1pm I was out the door

I got home, scoffed fruit loaf and went to bed.

I managed to get an hours sleep but felt no better, it was just good to have the escapism

I had tea and did dinner and yeah I havent done anything. I am mentally and physically exhausted. I just need rest and actual sleep. I didnt exercise as I literally couldnt move my heavy body so I had a nice hot soak. 

I might try doing some digital drawing

perks of my day - a doughnut, someone gave me a colouring book, someone gave me a bouquet of sunflowers, cards of thank yous. so that was all nice

it is nice knowing that school is bloody over with. My only concerns is I struggle to structure my days and I am a bit anxious about wasting my holidays. I also worry about going back in august as I wont want to go back.

tomorrow morning i will put the stew on then me and jack are going for an ice cream as a finishing school treat 

Last day of school tomorrow, it can't come quick enough

 Konbanwa

Despite having an early night, being in bed at 8:30pm I still didnt sleep T^T

I turned my switch off at 9:15pm as I couldnt keep my eyes open much longer, but Jack also turned his off, he can fall asleep much quicker than me so I tend to turn mine off first and try fall asleep before him as I normally find it hard to sleep if he is sleeping. And yes he fell asleep instantly. I on the other hand just couldnt sleep, I just laid there and laid there with a 1000 thoughts through my head. I got up and took pain killers as I was hurting by now. 

I went back to bed around 11:30/midnight, climbed back into bed and heard Jack say, rather venomously "fat face twat" I looked at him cus I thought "did he say that to make me laugh??" but he said it was such venom that I didnt think it was a joke, then i thought "he saying that to me?" no, he was just asleep XD

he was moving a lot in his sleep, biting on teeth, snoring and yeah could have smothered him. I woke up at 5:50am and got up as I knew if I fell asleep and woke up to my alarm 20mins later - id be peed off. I didnt want to start my day annoyed. Monday mornings are annoying in their existence as it is

I woke Jack up and asked him what he had been dreaming of, he said at some point head of science was in his dream which was probably why he was raging off in his sleep >.> I dreamed of granny and showing my bridesmaid dress to her~

so today we had 2 people come in to school to be interviewed for the other half of my job. As it happened, both were from Hong Kong. what were the odds! both were guys. One was like middle age one looked anywhere between 25-39, I couldnt judge his age.  i kinda struggled with their accent a bit as they have only been in the country for a year and knew no engish before they came. That amazed me. They spoke so well for only being in a country 12 months and having to just learn a language that late in life. I havent really spoken to a chinese speaking person before so I am not used to the accent but I will get there. the older guy was much more sciencey than the other and so he got the job.

I got home and rested a bit with Oz who couldnt wait to lick my face and give me affection, hes such a lovely bun <3 mum came for lunch and bought Oz's little lunch box to which he took his piece of apple out of it its very cute. Mum left in a hurry as it began to rain and she had left the girls outside. I went to bed and woke up 2 hours later....yeah I was shattered.

I got up and had a brew with Oz and then decided to do some Just Dance and I stayed on there for 35 straight minutes. I was dripping but I enjoyed myself. Jack came home, I had a shower then he did. I was too hot for a bath. We had dinner now its hobby time I guess.

I will do some digital drawing i think.

Tomorrow

its the last day of school!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh my god yaus!!!!! Thank god, finally. It felt like this day would never come!!

So we start normal time but finish at 1pm then we're done~~~ so I am staying an hour later so me and Jack can go home together. 

forgot and couldnt be arsed

 Evening

Well first I genuinely forgot to do my diary then I kinda just couldnt be bothered!

Basically friday had school, Jack had gaming, I had the girls, I had reflex

Saturday, went food shopping, had girls to play with ^^ Jack was out from 2pm til 12:30am with Chris and friends to go to a boardgame cafe, pizza and drinks

Today mum came to collect her girls, Ive done some art, we went for a walk

I have been DEAD all weekend from reflex as that is what reflex does to me. But Charlotte told me that people still came to her in 42c no one cancelled!! I couldnt bare for anyone to touch me in that heat why would you want a massage, Id feel sick!

I feel like I have been by myself a lot lately but thats fine I have had years by myself keeping myself entertained. I am glad Jack has a life and goes out.

I enjoyed having the sows they are no trouble and I think Oz enjoyed having them.

Gonna do dinner, have a bath and an early night. I am so tired. I havent had a nap all weekend and Jack woke me at 12:30am as I heard him round the house. 

tomorrow is school

sodding school

like every other school has bloody broke up for summer but not my skanky school

we have 1 and a half pointless days of kids just watching films in class no doubt. Actually I know thats not the case as teachers have actually got to teach theyre not allowed to stick a film on. Skanky school. The last days of the year at my old school were a complete doss!!! 

dont wanna go

we survived, return of the double baggage

 Evening

Did anyone in the UK sleep last night? I have double bags! woo my double under eye bags are back!! It has been such a long time since I slept through the night that my insomnia look is back~ yup I have 2 bags under my eyes, if I look down I can see them!

Anyway last night

It did not cool down, it was 30c with humidity. I would have killed for an AC. It was depressing doing all my skin care and it was HOT. The liquid was hot and this morning the liquid was warm so I have put them in the fridge to reset

so we went to bed but I was very much feeling 'whats the point' Jack some how managed to get off to sleep. How!? I of course didnt. I was moving constantly as I was aching but also the bed felt 1000c were I was laying on it so I kept moving to a new position for 'cooler' bed sheets. 

I heard it begin to rain and within the first 2 minutes I could SMELL the rain. It was beautiful.

I got up, took more pain relief, and sat with the back door open, on the inner porch step and listened to the rain, had warm breeze on my face and looked at art on instagram. shortly, the rain stopped T^T it was very short lived, 30mins most. So I went back to sleep and did manage to get some sleep but it wasnt great

the alarm went off and I about through it out my window. I was so done with life. Jack got up and opened everywhere up. We unfortunately can only have our bedroom windows open at night as we live in a bungalow and so, we dont wanna get robbed if we leave the other windows open as it would be easy I think. so the house gets HOT. I eventually got up. I felt sick, achy and just done. I was gonna just sack the day off and have the day off due to heat exhaustion but its more hassle that its worth so I decided to work from home.

I had a shower as soon as Jack left as I felt GRIM. It did wake me up a bit too. I did feel better for it. I could feel everywhere warming up again. I had Oz in with me whilst I worked from home. I drew this today for work for a  display but didnt finish it til this afternoon as I didnt work solidly for 4 hours this morning. Mum came over for a brew at 11am. She was telling me about how they didnt cope ether yesterday. I told her that Jack got in the car at 4:00pm yesterday and the car said 47c and his sun glasses were melting.

I had lunch and went to bed for an hour. I had felt sickly all morning and generally rough so I thought some sleep would help. I woke up an hour later and was sweaty, it had warmed up >.> I felt like crap, literally no better for some sleep.

I finished the picture for work

I saw Jack briefly, he came home, went toilet, got changed and went back out for the science evening out. It was an escape room and mexican food. so I havent really seen him today I hope hes having a nice time and isnt too late home

I had my dinner, I tried making thai curry differently and it was ok a bit more citrusy that usual

I managed a 30min weight work out which felt like an achievement to do, had my 2nd shower of the day and now I am sat with the face sheet on which has been in the fridge with my skin care. I have made another 'ice cream' to have later as I have earned it as Jack is out for food tonight

I have got a lot done today tho I think to make up for yesterdays long day of hellish nothingness

so I did laundry, made the girls cage up for their stay this weekend, washed up twice (jack wont be in to wash up, made a curry, worked out, made jack's lunch for tomorrow. Just felt much more productive. I might even wrap Jack's present tonight as well if I am in the mood.

I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo grateful it is cooler this evening and may even RAIN tonight

tomorrow 

its school, mum and Jack have both said to me separately that if I still feel rough tomorrow to not go into school but I shall see.