Last day of 2022

 I am alive, I can confirm this XD

I haven't been here since 21st Novemeber

if I am honest, I got fed up of it all. I got fed up of writing the same thing

"i'm tired" "I havent slept" "I ache" "fed up"

Its depressing and really brings home to me how I feel, how crap I feel and how restricted my life is because of my health. And when I am feeling exhausted, in pain and fed up, the last thing I wanna do is write about it! So I took a break, meaning to only be away for a week or 10 days but to be honest I got a taste for freedom. I enjoyed having that extra time in the evenings what I would usually use to write this, it can sometimes take up to half hour for me to do this and sometimes I would rather spend that time doing something more enjoyable.

I confessed to Jack I hadnt done my diary in 2 weeks, he suggested doing it at the end of each week not each day but even that felt like an ask. I decided I would leave it and just do a post at the end of this year to wrap the year up then 2023 I might do weekly diaries.

so I havent been up to a great deal this past month, I confirm I finished school without a sick day this half term so that was a nice achievement. I saw Mia's new forever home which is like a freaking mansion she has a mammoth project on her hands but I see the potential, my family dug up my drive so we can fit 2 cars on the drive, we had christmas together, we had asthma checks, just daily life really. I wasn't able to join in anything at school and friends with christmas and food cus of my diary but I did have 48 hours away from my diet on christmas eve and day. I stuffed my face with cake and chocolate, the sheer amount of calories those days was intense. and yes I did very much pay with my arse hole a couple of days later.....so much death.....

we have just ordered 6 months worth of this probiotic I have been taking as it seems to be the only thing working for my tummy. I cant rely and wait for NHS help. I am 99% sure that the problem with my stomach is that I am not making the right bacteria therefor acids are burning my linings. So I decided to research the best probiotics on the market. They were pricey but its actually been working. You dont mind paying if it flipping works. And jack kindly said he would go halves with me T^T so kind of him

tonight we have no plans - just the way I like it. Its 9pm and were gonna watch Yashahime together drinking hot chocolate then play scarlet and violet in bed together. Oh yeah the other day I completed the dex! I have never in my 20+ years playing pokemon, completed a dex. Never. But i have and i am so proud. Whats more is my brother bought pokemon

my brother bought pokemon. Those words dont go in the same sentence. He hasnt played pokemon since blue version when he was like 5 years old and too young to really understand it. Plus pokemon games were much harder in the day.

tomorrow, I am cleaning this house! it will be chore day! I have a lot of cooking to do also. Jack doesnt know it yet but he too will be cleaning. He wont be hungover anyway.

so lets review the year shall we

at the end of 2021 I said for 2022 I wanted to;

get more of my garden done

to work on biology GCSE

keep exercising - mainly weights

live well with my Jack and to continue strengthening our relationship

take better care of my self and be honest how I am really feeling

take more photos of myself to look back upon

so the garden, huge victory there. The victory credit mainly goes to mum and Jack if I am honest. those two worked solidly on that. I helped where I could but a lot of the time was banned from help cus of my health. But they have done a cracking job. I am so proud of my jack. He had such a tan by the end of summer!. We have a nicer looking garden that should be a lot easier to do in 2023 summer. Here's hoping we dont suffer 42c heat again....

biology GCSE....^^; eerrrmm I gave that one up. I ended up having that much time off work that I had missed too much and I got into my head that I didnt want to stay at school I didnt want to do science anymore so what was the point of it all. As much as I found it interesting, the science sadly wasnt coming natural to me. I had to study hard for things that most people already know. In the end I decided it wasnt worth the effort. I wasnt that bothered and would rather use the time for other things.

exercising, of course I exercise. God knows I exercise. I dont get away with it. And the guilt I feel for skipping a day! if I skip 2 days in a row man do I know about it! I have bought 2kg weights this year and my first kettle bell so I have been using them to try get stronger.

being with Jack. We still havent had a full on argument or any argument really. We work so well together and he takes such good care of me and I cant help but love and care for him. He did of course ask me to marry him by the waterfalls on October 19th ^^ he is the best

take better care of myself. Well this year I broke for the 3rd time. and after that 3rd time I confessed whilst sobbing to mum that if I was to burn out that badly again that I wouldnt have the strength to go on. That each time I burn out a piece of myself dies and I dont have enough strength to bring myself out of it a 4th time. That i would take my life. I only told Jack this a couple of weeks ago actually, he looked so sad and hurt and was disappointed I hadnt told him at the time that I would have taken my life. So going part time was the only way. I had a slow return to work after my break down and i liked working those hours so asked work if I could stay working part time and it was agreed. dont get me wrong it BURNS having to work part time. I hate it. I hate having to need this. But I also need to be fortunate that I am financially able to do this and I able physically able to work to. I hope to continue working like this

photos, god I suck at this one. Haven I taken one this year? are there any this year? god this is bad. I just hate looking at myself so much but I need to change this mindset. I have plenty of the loaf XD

so on the whole Id say I have done pretty well out of all those goals really.

big changes this year too was getting the whole house new windows, I gave up social media, we got a different car

what do I want out of 2023?

maybe I need to make more of effort with taking photos....

to live happily with my jack and support him through life~

do art and craft, I need to make that time for myself each and every day even if the work is rubbish. I need to do it for me and stop being a perfectionist. This year I lost out of doing a lot of art because I thought it would be rubbish and pointless whereas really, none of that  matters I should be doing art for me and not to go up in a gallery. Just chill out Jo!

I want to do up Jacks study, it needs properly sorting

be nice if I could decorate the lounge, maybe get patio door changed

go on a holiday even for 2 nights somewhere and make it somewhere new

keep up with my japanese but to enjoy it and learn it. I was the worried about falling out of the 'platinum league' on Duolingo that I was just the same lessons over and over again to earn quick lots of EXP and wasnt learning anything or even enjoying it. now I have fallen out of that league but actually improving 

think I will leave it at that

I will probably just be here weekly now as I stopped enjoying this, this was a chore. I am hoping weekly posts will be less chore-like

7th January is my baby boys 6th birthday. He is my world. I love him and will give him anything. I am so proud of him making it this far I hope hes 7 and becomes my longest living bun!!!!! Long live the loaf!

1 hour's sleep

 Evening

Last night was not good. Not only did Jack literally boot me out my bath, but I ended up not being able to stay up playing pokemon. Basically Jack urgently needed the toilet. So I was forced to get out early but better that than an accident! He spent a long time in there dying bless him. 

we went to play pokemon in bed, I had been looking forward to this time with my Jack but I couldnt keep my eyes open! I actually fell asleep before 10pm. I woke up at 11:30pm to Jack getting back into bed. I said "who dares disturb Jo's slumber" He said "I am so sorry, I didnt think I would wake you. I had bad upset stomach again" so this got my attention. I asked him if he would be ok going school tomorrow, he said he would not be going if his stomach was like this, which is fair.

then I asked "if you dont go, can I still work from home?"

he said "it wouldnt be ideal to be honest"

well that was it in, anxiety into overdrive. Dead worried about having to go into work without my Jack.

He fell asleep, I did not.

I was up

in pain and stressed (I got such a telling off this morning for not waking him up so he could comfort me)

by 3am I realised he hadnt been up to the toilet so I figured he was probably ok to go school. I decided to do my work! I was fed up of wasting the night away.  It was very clear to me I wouldnt be sleeping so I decided to do something productive. I sat doing my work til I had to wake Jack up at 6am

When he was awake I asked him "did you sleep ok?" he said "woke up a few times"

I said "and all those times you didnt realise I wasnt beside you?"

he said "why, where have you been?"

told him I hadnt been to bed since he got into bed from the toilet, that I was worried about school. Thats when Jo got a scolding.

I got Oz inside. There was a frost!! first frost >< bless him. He wasnt too bad and gave me plenty of licks. I had already had my breakfast several times through the night but I stayed up with Jack

when he left for work I went to bed thinking id sleep through til midday

no

course not

I was aching even then! how unfair is that!? only got another hour >.>

I felt drained of life when I got up

made some phone calls to get appointments booked

I did 30mins of yoga to try feel better but nope

I had lunch with mum, went to bed for another hour but still woke up aching like mad

I had a cup of tea with my loaf

then I have been in the kitchen making biscuits and dinner for tonight and Jack's lunch. Such a good house wife

I was late doing kitchen stuff as I had to die on the toilet really bad. Wasnt good. Thought I was gonna need a plumber XD

Dinner was good, just hope I get something out of it, please stomach digest food!

Not sure what I will do tonight. I wanted to do more of the wardrobe but we shall see. I am quite dead to be honest and i have a few days to do it yet

I look forward to playing pokemon in  bed with Jack later ^^

tomorrow

school, got a shed load of practicals to go back to from the sounds of it T^T please god I need sleep! 

2 bin liners full of clothes gone

 Evening

I had a bad night, the bed was like concrete then my head was a mess. Before I knew it I was up ti 2am.....I woke up at 10am!! again!!! my morning gone T^T

Jack was playing pokemon on the TV with Oz again. Luckily Jack got up at 8am so Oz was seen too.

I had to get straight into cooking near enough

had soooooo much to do

I made chicken meatballs, cooked them, cooked Jack's sausages for  his sandwich filling this week, cooked the marinated meat from yesterday which was 2 days worth of meals and my breakfast meat so it was 3 frying pans full....

I had soup to make also.

We had lunch and after lunch we went for a walk as it was sunny again so that was nice

Jack was getting his jobs done today. He sorted out his upstairs wardrobe. And actually threw stuff away. usually I have to tell him to part with things. It can be like working with a horder at times! But he did well. I threw out 2 bin liners full of clothes from my wardrobe and upstairs wardrobe

clothes I had been hanging on to for years simply cus I liked them, but when I held them up today I felt physically sickened by them. I thought "I do not want to be able to fit in them again" they were like childrens clothes! I know I had an eating disorder but yeesh I must have been skinny

other clothes I had held on to cus they looked good on but were anything but comfortable. I'm 30 now, I dont need this, I need comfort. Bring on the elasticated waists XD so they all went.

other stuff that didnt fit and just held on to

I felt cleansed. This is smallest amount of clothes I have owned in 15 years! I have a house now but own a small amount of clothes! I used to take up space in my mums wardrobes! I actually dont want to own that much again. Theres no need. its too much. 

I ran out of steam so I will finish the other stuff in my upstairs wardrobe this week. Cus I have a few bits in there now and my paints. Wont take too long, then next weekend that wardrobe can go! We have a wardrobe each in the bedroom and a wardrobe each upstairs. We are condensing to one upstairs. It did feel weird putting my stuff in Jack's wardrobe and bagging clothes up off the hangers. Felt like I was moving out again

I then sat in the living room, I was quite done in

I told Jack that anxiety about school has been upsetting my stomach today. I have decided to not go school tomorrow, to finish the display work I am so close to finishing! Takes the stress off me. 

I made dinner which was Nabe, never made it before. It was ok, not fussed on having it again really

tomorrow

working from home then I have cake/biscuit to make, wardrobe to sort. 

I have a few phonecalls to make as well.

cant remember if i uploaded this or not but birthday card I did for Jack's sister last month

Pokemon 24 hours in + new plant babies!!

 Evening

So last night I achieved a victory. I  have been promised plants for a few weeks now but we've been struggling to find any good ones. Not only that but we've really been having a problem with mould in this house and realised that a breed of plant we have actually helps with mould. So Jack said we could buy MORE. But we were struggling to find them too.

but yesterday in Morrisons I bought 1 huge mother 2 medium size ones (theyre the mould ones) then I found 2 cacti that were so cute and Jack said I COULD HAVE ALL OF THEM!!!! thats £40 worth of plants. It felt like christmas, seriously. I even found a green cushion with a rabbit on it in there!!! so yes this week's shop was a lillll expensive ^^; but it was all stuff we needed and said we would buy. I was so happy, especially as I had been having a rough time lately, it was a treat ^^

we came home and unpacked, got in pyjamas and at 8pm we began POKEMON!!!

we laid in bed playing pokemon, it was nice and what we had been waiting for

I gave in at 11pm, I ran out of concentration and my eyes were stinging. Jack said he stopped just after midnight. Id already fallen asleep. Oh we picked our starters I went for the grass cat I called it Spliffsy and Jack went for the duck. i got mine to evolve last night. I cant remember what Jack named his

This morning, I woke up and almost woke bolt upright literally not knowing what time or day it was. I think it was because when I opened my eyes it was LIGHT. Thats because it was 10am.....10am!!!! Jack wasnt in bed. He got up at 8:30am and was in the lounge with Oz playing pokemon. To me it looked like he had done an all nighter XD he hadnt tho.

So this morning Jack didnt bother having breakfast, I had a lil something to line my stomach for meds but I waited for lunch really

I cleaned Oz out, and then did a bit of weeding in the garden. I cleaned the bathroom, did mine and Jacks lunch. Jack hadnt left his seat still from pokemon. After lunch came the best bit

I laid everything out on the kitchen floor and made true mess...I set my laptop to watch anime on whilst for the next few hours I repotted many plants. In fact I ran out of pots and compost.....but its fine

I was nearing the end but I needed to move and Jack kindly said he would go a walk with me ^^

we got back and had a hot drink then I continued my plants whilst Jack continued yet more pokemon. He helped me clean up my mess cus it was a lot of mess. Then I made a banana cake then I made dinner. Jack broke off from pokemon to eat, went on it after he did the washing up but then I told him to go in the bath. After dinner I marinated meat for tomorrow too.

I am exhausted. I have achieved a lot with my day. I am glad my body is feeling up to doing everything. I just hope I havent over done it today. I wanted to keep the house running and let Jack play. If he wasnt with me he would be playing the game none stop, letting everything fall behind - house work, meals etc but with me around he can play and still function. The game means a lot to him  hes been waiting ages, counting the days. I wanted him to get his initial excitement out kinda thing. I know he would do his weekend chores at some point so I wasnt gonna lecture him and spoil his fun. I wanted him to do what he wanted which was sit for hours gaming. He has thanked me several times for everything and for being amazing, and also told me he will do chores tomorrow bless him

tonight I am gonna paint my nails and then play pokemon. I think I have done 3 hours and Jack had done like 12. Theo is REALLY FAR like I wonder if he has slept. Brandon says hes done 1 gym and is level 30! I am well far behind them all XD

tomorrow

I will be in that kitchen allllllllllllllllll morning. I have A LOT of cooking to do. then I might tackle clothes in my wardrobes, I need to have a BRUTAL clean out. But I will see how I am tomorrow, I hope I havent done too much today.

here is a christmas card I did for my brother~ 

Poorly tummy and new Pokemon Scarlet!

 Evening

I didn't sleep well last due to bad stomach like real bad stomach. I was up til 1am just dying on the toilet. I felt drained of life.

I got up at 6:30am and felt poorly, like death, I staggered to the toilet, did my teeth and went back to bed. Told Jack id work from home and do it later. I wanted nothing more than to be in a coma for a week. id had enough.

I thought id wake up around 8am. no. I could feel myself trying to wake up and seeing glimmers of the clock on the wall but it was like I had been drugged, I couldnt wake up. I was trying and trying. when I was finally allowed out the dream i was having it was 10:30am

10:30am!!! I felt sooo rough. But thats probably due to me not digesting anything including my meds last, and taking todays medication 4 hours late. I was starting to feel panicked because I felt unwell, and it was already 10:30am and I hadnt actually done any work yet!!! I tried to calm myself down but I could my heart hammering and my I was panting. At this point I rang jack. If anything else I wanted to be well for him so we could play new pokemon together

he calmed me down as I think I was on the verge of a panic attack. He said I could work at any point today it was fine. To eat, take my meds, fuss Oz. Yeah he made me feel better

I ate a bit with my meds and had lunch at midday then I worked til 2pm without a break, yeah I was determined to get stuff done! My mum turned up at this point. So I might do some more work over the weekend. Mum came with new pokemon which arrived at 1:50pm. so I texted Jack to say it was here.

Mum stayed for an hour, I ran a bath and did a 15mins work out video and felt better for moving my body, I think after that I wanna get into work out videos again. They had fallen off the page a bit due to poor health but I wanna try again with them even if I dont complete the whole video.

I had a bath, Jack came in and had a bath. We opened Pokemon together. Did dinner, then Jack washed up. We're gonna take Oz home 40mins early to bed then go food shopping

we'll come home, unpack, get into pyjamas and binge pokemon til midnight. My plan! Jack was up for it. Means we can without interruptions

I will still do stuff tomorrow but Jack has said he is having a pyjama day and playing pokemon which is fair enough. 

Oz has been good boy bless him. Being left alone in the living room for 3+ hours this morning! such a good bun.

we finished the second season of science fell in love last night which was good

we're gonna watch second season of cells at work next~

so tomorrow will be pokemon and chores for me 

I really hope pokemon scarlet has been worth the wait! 

flowers mum got us when we got engaged

dont wanna talk

 Evening

I slept a bit better but had a pain in my side that kept waking me up

I found it hard to get up this morning. Like a real effort to even open my eyes

I got ready for school then just before leaving the house I got bad stomach pains. We went to go drop Jack's switch off at my parents house as my brother was off work today and said he would change the joycons on Jack's switch.

we got work and god my stomach. stomach pains. But had to get on with it as I had so many practicals to do ><

I worked hard. I did get a lot done. However, I had a banging headache, couldnt think straight, couldnt get my words out. I was getting frustrated. I told mum to not see me, Id had enough. Couldnt even be bothered to talk to people including Jack. Just the way I felt today

I went home, at lunch with Oz and then went to bed for 2 hours I couldnt be bothered to get up. I wanted to be safe and numb under my covers

I got up, watched anime. Just monged out in front of anime. Had hot chocolate. yeah didnt do much. Just wasnt in the mood. I have no energy.

Jack came home, I did him pizza and made him lunch for tomorrow as well.

we had early baths as my brother was coming over to bring over Jack's switch and he stayed 90mins just catching up. 

going to watch anime and play switchs in bed

tomorrow is pokemon!!! new pokemon!!!!! Im getting scarlet and Jack is getting violet.

New green curtains

 Evening

so yesterday I had a mini heart attack as I started prepping the stew with jack after dinner, he had just been sharpening a knife then went to clean the blade. The next thing I knew, he was jumping up and down holding his finger! I shouted "NO!! you havent have you!?" I was in shock. He turned round so not to face me an examined the 'damage'. by which point, I had already burst into tears. yup. I was just that stable yesterday. Think it was the shock and panic. Turns out it was just like a papercut. Thank god. He had been lucky.

After we had dinner, we had a long talk about stuff to change in the house. Nothing expensive, just getting rid of some furniture and moving other furniture. We are changing the spaces, now we've been in the house 2 years we know what works, how stuff needs to function, what stuff we are needlessly holding on to. So its gonna be a bit of work but we wont do it all at once, just over a few weekends probably. we plan on moving bookcases, upgrading Oz's toilet, getting rid of a wardrobe (clearing out stuff in it we are hording) and getting rid of Jack's alcohol cabinet (he will use another cabinet for his alcohol) 

I had a bad night last night

everything aches, because it was day 2 of not moving my body

my stomach felt awful

I couldnt sleep cus I couldnt get comfy

I was up til 1am and felt utterly wiped out

Jack noticed I came back to bed at 1am and said to me "think you need to work from home tomorrow"

he said this evening that at 1am, I looked ghoulish and then this morning I looked like 'shit' XD yeah....I could tell stuff wasnt good.

If I had gone to school today I would have been pushing  myself and it wouldnt have been kind to myself at all. So I got up with Jack, did the stew, died on the toilet and then went back to bed. 

I had worked throughout the day simply cus it has been physically hard for me to sit at my laptop today so I kept having to break off. Its very annoying as I kinda want to just get my work done you  know

Mum came for lunch still

my curtains arrived this afternoon and after dinner my Jack put them up. I am in love! I am utterly amazed and impressed by them. I am very happy with them and looking forward to putting the other pair up eventually - when they arrive. But we are not putting them up until we have moved the bookcases. I do not want mould growing on my £100 curtains! I was grateful to Jack for putting up the new curtains this evening. Only a 15min job but he chose to do it instead of saying he was tired and do it at the weekend. He is also pleased with them

Oz has been in such an affectionate mood all day today. Both of us have had so much love from him. We love that bunny to pieces. I was watching Oz lick Jack's arm whilst Jack brushed him, whilst I was doing yoga. They love doing mutual grooming and i love watching it! my 2 boys ^^

So yes I did manage 45mins of yoga, well done me, feel a bit better for it

2 more sleeps til pokemon~

tomorrow

its school and I hoping I can go. I have sugar solutions to make up and i wanna do it. So I best have a better night tonight