I think thats the last time

Evening~

I woke up at 9am, i did not want to get up
its not like me, im such a morning person, someone who cant wait
to start the day. but i just want to turn over and slip into a coma for a while

I got up did my pet duties as usual
mum went out shopping then she came home to collect me to go see granny
we arrived at the hospital and my god i was shocked
the amount of cars!!! it was as if the hospital was giving out free money or something
everywhere was well and truly rammed
we went round the entire place and found no where. people resorted to parking
on banks and grass areas, those people we saw getting parking fines >< 
so mum was stressed and i told her to come away as there wasnt much
time left of visiting hours

we got home phoned haywood house and they said it was fine to come
outside of visiting hours, so mum called a taxi this time
my god are all taxi drivers crazy drivers!?
anyway i went to see her and granny was just there asleep on the bed as always
i spoke to her but this time she didnt really look at me..she didnt smile..she didnt speak to me
it was sad. and i could feel her frustration and tiredness
to make things worse the only thing she managed to say was
"ive had enough. i wish they would give me something so i can go"
my heart sank to hear that. i know shes fed up and waiting for the end but to hear it
its just awful. i felt so bad for her. i didnt speak a lot to her as i wasnt sure what to say
and i was crying a fair bit too. its just so sad seeing her like this
sitting next to her stroking her hand i was making my decision
the decision on weather to come back and see her again
she didnt really know i was there as i could tell she was slipping in and out of sleep
and each time i go im making myself more upset
i just dont want the memory you know? its the kind of thing that sticks in your mind
i want to remember granny as the lovely woman she was, not a sick old lady in bed

so upon leaving i went to her and kissed her good bye and just about got the
words out i tell her each time i leave her "i love you granny"
(woops making me  type this is making my eyes watery ><)
i just knew when leaving her room that that was the last i would see my granny
my last grandparent.
its not been so bad visiting her when she could talk and smile and cuddle you
but seeing her today wasnt my granny. im just glad shes not in pain
my family has gone to see her now, ive stayed behind.
each time i get upset its making my health worse and worse
i feel so selfish not going tho.
i mean if it was me lying in that bed id bloody want my family round me
id be so scared and id want to see everyone
i should be staying with her and supporting her. but im struggling
im not a good person. mum says ive seen her a lot and its not like i wasnt bothered
or didnt make the effort. i think its me just wanting to do more for her
its a difficult and frustrating position to be in.
so once again ive cried a fair bit

i got home for lunch i could have quite easily gone with out it
but mum made us some soup and bread. i just about ate it all
i layed down on the sofa and fell asleep for about 2 hours
im just shattered and weak lately, my health has not been good
its a stress illness, so any stress makes it worse. and im feeling A LOT of stress right now
i cant remember the last time i felt so poorly

i sat with the girls and stitched some bells and buttons on my bunting
i wanted to get some fresh air so i went for a little walk with mum
we checked grannys house over too
as soon as we got back home it absolutely poured down!!
hammering against the windows, literally 30 seconds after we walked through the door
talk about good timing!

ive tried to do a lil dancing over the days but im not getting anywhere with it
my heads muddled and i cant learn the moves
so ive decided to have a week off from dance cover uploads

mum is on about going out with me for the day tomorrow
but we shall see
it all depends on granny, i know mum wants to be there for her at the end
as for me i believe i have seen my granny for the last time
i dont want her to go i wish i could have her back to normal
im struggling to cope with this, i cant imagine the state i'll be in when i lose mum
i'll be a wreck! im so close with mum ive been trying to support her through this
anyway see what tomorrow brings