It was late last night for me to blog
and I hadnt had time during the day ether
This weekend has just been a roller coaster of emotions
The feeling of that ice cold hand pulling your heart down
and squeezing on your stomach
my anxiety has been bad to the point were i do want to panic and cry
the day started with me getting up at 8am after a bad night's sleep
i was getting up to meet dom in town for 10am
so i rushed round, didnt help out with cleaning the pets out and left
to only have to wait outside for 20mins for dom as he was late =.=
not like him so i wont complain, i was cold tho
we walked round town i didnt need anything other than pajamas and i didnt
find any i liked, so just got paint and necklace
we went into a cafe i like as it does cakes that rot your teeth theyre so sweet
and the hot chocolate is good too, dom treated me to a hot choc and cup cake
we chatted about life lately i told him everything with my family and my job
he told me hes getting anxiety problems, he'd said this too me during manchester
how sometimes he cant go out, he cant eat and is distressed
its not like him at all
and its all because of this 18 year old girl he likes
personally i just wanted to shake him and tell him to move on and forget her
but i couldnt, instead i suggested giving the girl some space which he is doing
i hate seeing my friends down, it burns me, and i just wanna go after who ever
it is who is causing them grief
I left for home and arrived home 1:30pm
My cousins arrived just after 2pm
all 4 of them came down uncle, Oliver, Sophie, Sarah
it was nice they had all made the effort to come down
The girls all stood in the kitchen talking the men went round the computer talking
car, internet, ebay =.=
my mum announced that we must be off to go see granny, we were having an early
birthday due for her since its not looking likely she will see her birthday on the 19th
i wanted to go really i did, but i had made the decision that i would look after sarah today
she was upset at us just telling her about granny's health, she couldnt bring herself to go see her
i know i understood, as shes watched my auntie - her mother die the same way when sarah
was just 12 years old, its traumatized her
they set off with cake and everything T^T i went to my room with sarah
she let out with everything that had been happening to her and the amount of "help" she was
receiving from many different medical professions
to her my cousin telling me she has anorexia made my heart sink
its a nasty illness to have and can kill
she got upset, i told her my own "head" problems the battles i face
i tried to help her with her own problems and troubled
but just like it was over texting, she asks for help i give her help she shuts the door in my face
how can ask for help but not accept it? isnt that attention seeking?
eventually my family came home but my uncle and cousins had gone to grannys house
not here as they were gonna set up were they were sleeping for the night
so i walked sarah back over, she could have stayed with me but i could see her shaking and
holding her tears back from anxiety of being away from home and being away from her dad
i came home and took the opportunity to have a shower and sort my dinner out
my family was all eating take-away pizza, i cant eat that stuff i dont wanna hear what
my head would say to all those calories, sarah didnt want it ether
so i put some soup on - to tired to do anything flashy
my cousins came over just whilst i was eating, they went to the pub with my family
i was left alone with sarah and sophie
i was in the living room with sophie talking whilst i had my dinner, sarah never came through
so when id finished i checked where she was, and she was in the hall in a ball, she had
jsut been on the phone to her boyfriend outside a few minutes previous
i thought she was just having a minute to herself to collect her thoughts
i really thought she'd come and see me and soph
my family came home with pizza and well sat in the living room, i ate cake mum
saved me from the birthday party ^^
sarah still didnt join us, i went to go see her. she was gone
i checked upstairs, no sign of her so i told my uncle and oliver
who were still eating pizza so they got, went on the phone and decided to go
have a walk round the neighbourhood - this has happened a week ago at her own home
she decided to take off without saying anything
they found her on the drive behind the gate
shes always cold due to not having any meat on her so god knows why she chose to
go sit outside in the cold and not just in my room or something
sophie was saying how she believes that some of this is just attention seeking
getting her dad's attention, people to notice her
and how its driving her up the wall - luckily she doesnt live with her anymore
but they are all finding it difficult to cope with sarah
it was 20mins later still the 3 of them were outside
i went upstairs to the toilet and realized i could hear my uncle and oliver talking to sarah
i had been to the toilet but remained seated as it were
maybe i shouldnt be eaves dropping but i would get no other better opportunity than this
to hear the other half of the story, i only ever hear sarah's side
now i got to see both sides of it
so i sat poised in the dark of the toilet listening to them
i couldnt believe what i was hearing. oliver. i have a much better opinion of him now
he was just amazing with her. the words he used and what he said
he just did so so well. at one point he walked away for a 1min breather
but came back to her. hes VERY patient. sarah all the time crying, bringing up the past, coming up with the world's lamest excuses. its like she want to be better but she turns all the help away
"how can we help you when you wont let us help you? what do you want us to do?" is the sentence he told her a few times and its what we all say to her
her went on to say "look at Jo, look how much better she is now, and do you know why shes getting better? its because she accepts the help around her. she wanted to get better"
she was crying because she wanted to go home she did not want to sleep in grannys home
but my uncle and oliver had both had too much drink - therefor couldnt drive
they drilled that into her head many many times but its like it just wasnt sinking in
in the end instead of the whole family sitting up the garden with the wood fire, my uncle
took sarah back to grannys house, just the 2 of them - what she wanted
she ALWAYS wants her dad. shes 17
most 17 year olds arent arsed where theyre parents are but she is, she has to know where he is all the time, when to expect him home. and if hes not home for that time she sits and waits for him - all night sometimes too
so my uncle had caved in,let the illness win and took sarah home
oliver wasnt impressed, he doesnt cave in
so we all sat in the garden with wood fire going and sophie and oliver filled us in on bits and bobs
i told him that they were both very patient were her - him not knowing id over heard their conversation. he told me that his patience is wearing very thin now tho
lynn had text me, her husband den has taken a turn for the worst
he now is fully wheelchair dependent and she needs to care for him 24/7
they have careers in and everything. my heart broke for her
shes now got to go through what ive just been going through but with her husband :(
i went to bed earlier than everyone. my head was spinning i was filled with so many
emotions, my body was weak, exhausted, tired and shaky
going to town and walking round at dom's pace is hard work, coming home and dealing with such
sadness and hardships, seeing my beloved cousin being eaten away by an illness, my other cousins suffering because of what sarah does to the house hold. not being able to spend time with granny who is dieing in a bed. my own issues. listening to dom suffer because hes in love with a girl whos messing him around, lynn's husband's health is deteriorating. so i took a sleeping tablet to knock me out no way would i be able to sleep with everything. feel like im surrounded by a lot of sadness right now.
this morning i woke up at 9:45am - woah late almost 12 hours sleep ><
guess i needed it after yesterday ^^"
the cousins and my uncle came over in the morning but my family had just left
to pop to the shops so they left here and went to go see granny, taking sarah with them this time
she had to sit in the car, they werent long. just saying theyre goodbyes
he was on about maybe coming down in the week to see her again.
so they came back here and my whole family sat outside in the sun talking
sarah didnt want to be out with everyone, so i kept her company in my room
i kinda wanted to sit out with everyone, i havent been able to spend much time with my family
we talked and i traded her a pokemon she was happy with
then they left at 1pm. i told sarah id be there for her.
i wont ignore her text messages anymore but i can only do so much its her
who needs to put the work in now, she needs to love herself.
in the afternoon my family went for a walk, i danced
and i did a bit of sewing and i went to see granny
who looked like each breath was an effort
now ive just spend 30mins writing this up
see what tomorrows brings
how was your weekend?
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