Despite being shattered after watching 8 out 10 cats with my
parents til 10pm i still didnt sleep
took a while to get off then my mum woke me yelling in her sleep >.>
shes gonna be the death of me one day
i fell asleep having a dream the house was being robbed so i frantically
trying to wake up, then once awake i stayed awake in case anything
was happening in the house obviously there wasnt -___-
so i tossed and turned for hours. i decided at 5:30am to read as the sun had risen
so i read for 45mins then i nodded off. woke with a start as i was convinced
mum was yelling "Tiffin!!!" so i woke, threw on my bottoms and ran
rather stiffly down the stairs, to see mum eating her breakfast downstairs
rather startled at my outburst
clearly she hadnt been outside shouting my rabbit
so this morning it was safe to say i was shattered
i got ready for college and headed off at 10:30am
a lil nervous but just wanted to get it over and done with
i met my teacher i think she could sense my uneasyness
she took me into a room and got her tape recorder out and her notes and my file
she told me someone else in my class had been in that morning to do the same
so i thought it cant be too bad if someone has already been before me
we had to state our names to the tape then she began asking me questions
i was looking over at my notes, i couldnt read quick enough and my notes just felt
like a bundle of words about a total different subject, she was trying to prompt me
by pointing at her sheet in front of her i struggled to read upside down
she asked to read my notes, i wouldnt allow it - im traumatized from being criticized
my whole life about what i write
i couldnt do it and what with being so tired and worn down with depression
i cracked
i sobbed
in front of my teacher -___-
i was so annoyed with myself, ive had all week to crack and i did it in front of my teacher
she stopped the tape and gave me a hug
she asked what was wrong i told her i havent been good lately mentally
she asked if it was because it was the holidays i said no as ive had this during school too
we talked a lil about depression as she has bad post natal depression for 2 years and has just come off her medication so she knew what i was going through
so she stood up and left me to go ask her team what can be done, i had
this opportunity to compose myself
she came back and told me i dont have to be recorded
she is to look at my notes (dread) and talk to me about my notes
so that was fair enough she had changed her assessment for me
listing on my reference sheet that due to learning difficulties (dyslexia)
and anxiety issues we had to change the way i was assessed
and that was sooo much better once i got over the thought of her reading my notes
she told me my work was fine. and how amazing i am in school that i do it all so naturally
i just need to have more confidence in myself
which i know, my illness took all my confidence 6 years ago
we arranged to meet again during the holidays
she set me more work (i knew it was coming) and i have til 2nd to do it
when we meet at Costa next time she needed and i quote
"get out of the office for a bit"
so i shall start it tomorrow~
i left the building wanting to have a full on melt down panic attack
i tried to talk myself out of it but i still ended up losing yet more tears
my eyes sting ><
feeling like i couldnt get my breath i just wanted to ring mum and ask to be picked up
but i didnt as i knew the moment i made that call id be a blubbering mess
i got home somehow despite my upset
mum was home and could tell i wasnt right i knew i had to tell her
as it was evident i had been crying so once i again i ended up crying a little
my eyes are truly sore
so i had lunch and a brew both i wanted to bring back up
i went and did some reading
i slept for an hour then i started doing more work to tara's pikachu
i just need to sew the limbs on really a job for tomorrow
my brother took photos on his phone as he likes it the way it is
says it looks like the character from the E-on advert XD
so thats my day
i feel like im losing my mentality slowly
i need help i know i do
mum says shes coming with me to the doctors on monday
tomorrow i have karen
i know shes gonna pick up my depression -__-
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