Brother's 23rd Birthday

Evening~~~~

Happy 23rd Birthday to me dearest brother~~~ yay yay
yup my lil bro turned 23 today~
I brought him a 'how to swear' book which we both think is brilliant
mum didnt regard it so highly XD
and I brought him a t-shirt

anyway last night i didnt sleep too badly
i was in bed for 9 and didnt even read my book as i was just exhausted
I woke up at 6am and got up 6:50am for school
and it was another very snowy day
luckily it stopped as i went out but 10mins into my very slow journey
the snow came down heavy and i couldnt help but wonder if i was
doing the right thing driving 50 mins across town in this weather
but i got on with it

school was alright really
the special needs child in the class has taken a shine to me
i have no idea why as i deliberately dont make much effort with her
so she doesnt become found of me but it seems to have the opposite affect!
i dont like special needs kids to like me because as soon as staff see that
the kid likes you, you get lumbered with em
and i do not know how to deal with them ><

i got to teach some english today
did some reading groups
and helped out a lot
i mean a lot
my hands were shaking come lunch time
at lunch an agency phoned about me working friday morning at a local
school ive worked at a few times before
so thats easy enough

i got home ok but my brother wasnt home yet
and i wanted to give him his presents 
i went for a shower to get the smell of primary school off me

later after dinner, we had home made brownies my brother had requested
they were good but i couldnt each much of them
but my brother wants them to himself anyway as no one ever makes or buy them
we me and mum and Oz sat with him whilst he opened stuff up
and he was pleased with his stuff
he managed to go for a couple of pints at lunch  during uni hours, with his friends
and hes gone to BMX night at a local indoor skate park 
fair enough if he wants to spend his birthday doing that

ive just been with Oz really
caught up online with a few things but i got a few things to do on my day off tomorrow when i have more brain cells to do those jobs

im really wanting to dye my hair as it looks a total mess
last night i cut my fringe cus it was peeing me off

not sure what to do tonight ive drawn out a nail design
and i think i will just go bed early again

tomorrow i have the day off and got yoga
adam is on about seeing me but not sure yet

it was cute coming home and finding Oz's foot prints in the snow X3 

A better school day

Evening~~

well this morning we didn't get the snow everyone was so hyped up over
I didn't sleep well 
I went to bed at 8:45pm as I was dead
I woke up at 10:30pm in absolute pain honestly it was like screaming at me
i couldnt get in any comfy position for relief
there was no relief so i got up and went downstairs for a full dose of pain killers
and i found mum's pain relief cream and rubbed it into the painful areas 
i did calm down half hour later and dropped off to sleep
but woke up a lot and i have been awake since 6am

I got ready for school and seemed to have plenty of time this morning
and was even able to have a quick hold of my pets whilst they
had a trot inside 
i battled the traffic to work jeez it was relentless 

I got to school and the staff gave me such a warm welcome 
it was really lovely actually
and i was happy id come back
and its because i dont mind going to this school that i hadnt been suffering with anxiety
as i knew it would go fine.

i had a busy day honestly days go by so quick in that class
its just hectic
i taught two sessions of maths which was easy
did a reading group
i was outside a fair bit and got very cold 
ive just done so much today 
i got home fine and i was shattered when i got in

i ache already so im dreading tonight as i know i am gonna hurt
well i probably am gonna hurt i hope i dont cus jeez its awful
i havent done much since i got in
been with my pets mainly 
to tired to think!

im at the same school tomorrow so should be ok
it could snow again so we shall see what tomorrow brings

Oz has been desperate for his muesli treats today
mum usually rounds him up into his cage for me as he doesnt obey me 
and she usually does it with muesli and today when she walked into the shed
Oz saw her and jumped straight into his cage mum didnt even have to ask him!!!!
so unfair!!!!!! so he was going mad in his cage for this muesli 
and mum was getting it but obviously not quick enough as he accidentally tipped
his food dish over by stepping in it all -____-
i do feed him i promise
mum later brought a packet into my room and I had Oz in my room
he was begging her thinking she had the muesli packet -______-
what am i gonna do with him

I found a photo of me with fresh purple hair

its about all out now and not sure what colour to go next
ive got mahogany but not sure if it will look right on me

The struggles with working

Evening~~

Im still alive
I havent taken another sleeping tablet and still not sleeping

anyway yesterday
I got up and bathed millie and alice as they smelt
I cleaned my room up
i danced
i had a shower and got ready i went and tried to look like a girl XD

to be honest my fringe was peeing me off so i decided to tie it up
take that fringe!
I made myself lunch then went to adams

the four of us went to a mini golf
i had started my new antidepressiants and were making me very wooly headed and sick and dizzy but somehow i managed to come 2nd!
we came home and i felt exhausted and had a brew
i cant really remember what else happened i just know I got a call from the agency about having work at a school potentially til 7th March but to work one to one with a special needs childs
needs that he couldnt seem to find out...
i agreed as it was work and was only 20min drive 
for the rest of the evening  i was then anxious 
my dinner didnt even go down as i was so churned up
just dont cope well at the moment
tiredness does that to people
but i wanted to push through i didnt want to give up
if i give up i may as well live in a hole my whole life
i will never achieve anything

i went home and mum said i looked awful
and i did i look zombiefied 
so i got my stuff ready for school, sat with Oz and showered then hit the bed
i woke up through the night
and i have been awake since 5:30am as once i woke up then my anxiety was kicking off

today anyway went alright

i cant say it was my most enjoyable job simply because i dont like working with special needs kids but i did and it was a long long day 8:15 - 4:00
i was shattered i felt poorly
i got home and talked to mum about what to do for the remaining days as i didnt feel i could keep it up for 2 weeks and i didnt enjoy it that much
she gave her opinion and even phoned dad to see his opinion
they said to give it another day
but when i thought about it i remembered that they said i could be looking after some polish AS WELL and apparently hes a real git
all in all i felt  couldnt cope
so i phoned the agency and told them
they gave me tuesday and wednesday at a lovely school i worked at before christmas
its a 30min drive but im fine with that i will get it done :)
so it worked out really well actually 
i am much relieved and my anxiety has lowered loads

i didnt want to give up work as it doesnt come by often
i pulled myself to pieces that if i was 'normal' i could breeze through it
i shouldnt feel so dead after 1 days work 
i need to get on with stuff and stop living in a bubble
but i tried and in stead its worked out in my favour
this time anyway
i cant afford to think i will be lucky every time 

so tomorrow i am off to a school ive been to before
to work all day in the youngest class 
it should be fine
just know i will be exhausted but its money ^^
something i live in constant shortage 
adam pays for a lot of my outtings but i dont like to do that
i really dont as i feel in debt to him
he assures me im not but i dont like people spending money on me
he works harder than me and it should be his money
never will be one of the girlfriends that makes the guy pay for every thing
and take it for granted 

i hope i sleep a bit tonight so i can survive tomorrow!

A night on sleeping tablets

Evening

well last night allow me to review
I took the sleeping tablet and went to paint my nails
and lets just say my nails ended up looking like a 5 year old had painted them
I had no idea to tablet would kick in so damn fast!
so I was doing my nails with bleary eyes XD

I went to bed and conked out
I woke up at 12:30am feeling like id had 10 hour sleep
no joke I felt like id had loads of sleep
and it must just be because I had actually had deep sleep for once
so I drifted off and from there I woke up to turn over or get warm
and id fall asleep straight away
i ended up waking up at 10am 
mum had cleaned pets out for me ^^
i was seriously out of it this morning tho
every thought process was slow and hard
i went to my car and expected to get in it without any keys....
yeah not a great start to driving is it!

I got to adams and we went up for food
I like ordering things from the deli just to see what the owner's face does XD
so this week I ordered tuna, cucumber, chorizo sausage, tomato sauce
yeah she had to repeat my order and still bewildered XD
it was bloody good and the first thing that had tasted today
as taking those sleeping tablets makes my mouth and air ways taste like im
sucking on 50 tablets at once

afterwards we sat with his parents
then i was aching from sitting so we went upstairs
i went to play okamiden and i couldnt do the stupid boss
seriously its stupid
i hate games
he wanted to play fight and was trying to take my clothes off, naturally i made this difficult and went to stop him XD i love being what i call 'fun police' he hates me being fun police XD
i couldnt put up much of a fight tho i was simply too tired and just collapsed in a heap
we came downstairs so i could paint his mum's nails
shes got cherrys on hers
im redoing mine tonight damn it

then i came home and put girls out and saw Ozwald
i danced a bit and then i havent done much since then
i made myself salad for dinner
sat with maisy who talked to me

im gonna dance tonight and maybe wrap my brother's birthday stuff for weds

tonight i am not taking another sleeping tablet
i do not want to rely upon them
tomorrow i start my new antidepressant 

tomorrow not sure what im doing but adam says he wants to see me after lunch

here's me today, i dont look so shattered round my eyes
and even tho i have makeup on here mum said i have more colour in my face today!
 

Should I have to beg for medical help? My cousin has a bunny!

Konbanwa~~~

I didn't sleep well
man im getting fed up of writing that!
I woke up at 12:30am and felt sick, not as sick as yesterday night tho
but still sick enough to need anti-sickness tablet
and I came back to bed at 2am after cereal and hot chocolate
I read til 2:30ish and fell asleep to only keep waking up
and mum woke me at 7:45am as I had a doctors appt

I saw my useless GP
honestly he does anything but help
be different if it was his hundred kids that were sick
anyway I asked him if he had received a letter from the pain clinic as I hadnt
but he had lucky
I said it should mention about changing my antidepressant but only if it is ok
with the GP and my psychologist 
he just said to me "its fine by me" and wrote me a prescription and just like that I had
swapped an important medication to me and he hadnt even bothered to think about
the psychologist, i thought it was gonna be a weird experience for health care
professionals to actually communicate with one another
guess i was right!
Then he said I could only take these tablets if I reduced my current anti-depressiant 
i said that I was currently taking the lowest dose possible - he didnt know this
he said I would also need to reduce my pain killers, and I have I have gone from 8 a day to 2 a day- once again he didnt know this. and i was keen to point out that I had done all this work off my own back no thanks to any professional
I asked him for some sleeping tablets
he wasnt keen and asked why i needed them and i told him id only slept through the night 3 times since last April but he said to me "yes but i dont want you to get addicted"
so i played my trump card, i brought out my pocket the sleeping tablets he'd prescribed me several years ago and passed it to him i said
"you gave me those years ago, i never finished them and theyre out of date now, hows that for addiction"  he relented and prescribed me just 10 sleeping tablets (generous huh!)
i felt saying to him "if i was effing addicted would i be trying to come off medication by myself!"
he just doesnt want to help
i dont think he realises just how crap i feel every day of my life and i turn to my GP for help and relief and all he can think about is money and how he deems me not worthy of treatment
sickening
i felt like id literally had to beg for help
but none the less i came out with everything i needed
i will ween off my current antidepressiant this week then switch to my new one
it takes a month to kick in and by which time i should be seeing my psychologist so at least i guess i can tell him how its been going.

so tonight i have a sleeping tablet!!!
oh my god i have a high chance of sleeping!!!
im gonna do everything possible to promote good sleep
it will leave me with a rank taste in my mouth all day and make me drowsy in the morning
but hopefully it will be worth it
as im shattered!

after id been doctors i waited for mum to sort stuff out and i checked my emails
 turns out that all the bunny questioning my cousin has been asking me this week
has led to her getting her first pet which is a black bunbun!
very happy for her it should do her some good
im not keen on his name Revio or something like that

We set off to the other side of the city for some retail therapy mum said XD
we first went for lunch and we shared a sausage and bacon panini with a brew
then we hit the shops!
mum got everything she needed
i got:
pair of black joggers £6
thermal lined tights £3
lilac lace top  £6
cream wool cardigan £10
a kitty t-shirt £1.50
when i got home i realised that the t-shirt, which i had found in the sale part for £1.50 was actually a childrens, it fits totally fine. yeah its only for age 9....seriously -____-
mum says i have a children's body T^T

after shopping we head home and saw to the pets
i keep fussing Ozwald when ever i get the chance
I went on my laptop for a bit and ordered a few bits online
then I made mum a mother's day card as thats in a couple of weeks
luckily I already have stuff for her just needed a card
my brothers birthday on wednesday

might do a quick bit of dancing
then Ozwald sitting, then my nails and bed
god I pray i sleep please please please sleep 
this is literally like the final thing i can try

i still feel pretty good from nigel's treatment
i hope it lasts this way

tomorrow i am seeing adam i believe

He brought me this the other week and one for himself

its basically the exact same game i had on gameboy but i can play it on my 3DS
i started with Chikorita but ive barely played it as ive been wanting to finish Okamiden

Bowen Massage effects

Evening~~~

last night I ached and was fretting about the night as i was at my limit
I had cried a bit before bed time and I thought about sleeping over at adams
but i thought it was best not to do that to him
I went to bed at 9:45pm and I fell asleep pretty quickly due to exhaustion 
I still woke up tho during the night
at 2:30am i felt like I was gonna be sick which isnt normal for me
I got up and went to go get a drink and a sickness tablet
but upon getting the stuff i felt dizzy and really felt like i was gonna
chuck my guts up in the kitchen
so i went down to kitchen floor in the recovery position
anything to help me keep my guts in as i really didnt want to be sick
i was very very hot too but cold kitchen floor soothed me
eventually i was able to take the sickness tablet
and i did feel better
i was up for 2 hour, id had cereal and hot chocolate and crawled to bed

Mum woke me at 9:15am I was semi awake but just didnt want to start the day
when I did get out of bed I was surprised at how i felt
my pain had lessened loads!! I couldnt believe it
it felt like id already had my pain killers
i could feel where nigel had given me Bowel Massage yesterday

i didnt do too much this morning other than my pet sitting 
i was still very tired
I waited for mum to come home and we had lunch then went to a few shops
didnt get anything for myself it was just daily stuff 
we came back and I made myself a brew and got Oz in to sit with me on the sofa
and he shocked me by laying fully out on the sofa!
he even fell asleep!!!!! bless him

Later on I was on my laptop looking as nail ideas
i just could not decide on what to do on mine and adam's mum's nails
ive got the designs sussed now

I have also been planning what Id like to do for adam's 1 year anniversary card

Yoga was bloody tough honestly
i wont be walking tomorrow!

seeing as my body has reacted well physically and mentally to Nigel's Bowen Massage
I txted him and told him and asked if maybe I could give it another go
so he said i have to wait at least a week so im seeing him 2nd March
I have an appt with karen 1st march but I think I would rather try Nigel instead 
as i want to know if it was fluke or if theres something in this bowen massage

tomorrow I have doctors at 8:40am
i am not leaving without sleeping tablets
then me and mum are going to retail shops then for a walk at a nature reserve :D

here's an eye shadow I got in the post with 3 free samples!

Painting at 11pm

Evening~~

I was incredibly restless last night
pain was awful and I wanted to cry out my frustrations
I had an need to paint so thats what I did
I painted from 10:15pm til 10:50pm
I randomly painted a rabbit
I didnt use a pencil I just kept working with paint i was constantly mixing
i suck at painting ive never been good at it but sometimes i enjoy it and do it
so at 11pm i went downstairs to my parents to show them this

mum really liked it and dad thought it was good
my brother thought it was good and a lil weird i had done it in that moment of the night
just couldnt help myself and it distracted me from my endless pain

I went downstairs for an hour then climbed into bed at 1:30am eventually
falling asleep just after 2am to wake up at 3:30am
i dont go into a deep enough sleep im just exhausted
whats wrong with me?
im so tired

i got up at 8:15am 
i got ready to go over to Nigel's for 'Bowen massage' 
it was strange and sometimes a lil painful but i was alright
then he let me fuss his dog who is lovely and bonkers and i can see the love he has for her
i was told to drink a lot and not sit for long periods of time
i came home for a brew~

then I did odd jobs really
got ready to see adam who turned up at mine after the gym
we sat round a little bit but i was gonna fall asleep  so i decided to go out
i took him down to the river where i used to throw stones and skim stones as a kid
i started running down the bank to the river, adam watched
then i threw a stone in watching is splosh 
adam asked "what are you doing jo?"
i didnt turn to face him i just continued and luckily he passed the test
and came to join me instead of calling me childish or something
we were there a while and he could obviously throw amazingly far
his skimming skills were amazing too!

we walked to a pub for a brew and it was a proper brew too with tea leaves
i was well happy but very achy and tired
we headed to the car as it began to rain 
we got to mine and tried to round in Oz out the shed but he wasnt having any of it
from me mum and adam XD
so i got my girls out and we sat with them
when i took them home Oz decided he wanted fuss so i scooped him up
and brought him on the sofa to fuss with adam 
then i took adam and Oz home XD

since then I havent done much
been trying to think of ideas for a rabbit quilt I want to make for my wall in my room
its gonna take a lot of designing!!

god knows how my night is gonna go 
i told mum and adam i could easily have a hissy fit
and get uspet tonight as my frustrations and fatigue is bubbling over
so if that is what happens tonight i have warned all XD

tomorrow not seeing adam as he's working a longer shift
but i will entertain myself as per usual~

Losing dignity at 10am

Evening~~~

I didn't sleep too badly last night
i was in quite bad pain going to bed
so it took 3 hours to get off to sleep
which took it to about 12:30am

I didn't do too much in the morning
i had a shower and did the pet duties
and was dying of stomach ache
i have had stomach ache for 8 days now
whats up with me

i will say what did happen in the damn morning tho
my brother phoned to say that he was expecting a package from amazon
i thought "well im still going in the shower"
so I showered and got out to the sound of the door bell going
i just groaned knowing i was the only one home
I quickly grabbed a towel round me, ran to mum's bedroom and shouted out the
window to the poor postman who looked up to see sopping wet with a towel
hiding my modesty
i asked him to leave the parcel at the front door he did and didnt look at me again!
do i look that bad as a drowned rat!?
i went to go get dressed in the bathroom and the door goes again!!!
window cleaner!!
damn him so i was dressed but still with sopping wet hair i answered and paid him
and went to dry my hair
theres no dignity left with me
in the space of 10 minutes id embarrassed my self twice in front of two men
also also the parcel wasnt even for my brother it was for me!!
so i couldnt even moan to him!!!!
very annoying!

i went to make myself cheese on toast for lunch
so i grilled one side of the bread
went to put on the other side - sweetcorn, tuna, cheese, mozzarella
wait why is the mozzarella green!!!!!?
seriously it poured out the packet green (it was already pre-grated cheese)
so it ruined the entire thing and i had to start over!!

I went to meet adam at the gym he said he's been watching me reverse up
with his friend on the CCTV all i can say is, thank god i can reverse and did it first time
otherwise that would have been embarrassing

we went to his and i wanted to go out so we went to walk to his local shops
we went round charity shops and i found 2 pokemon figures i rescued
we went for ice cream then went to his for a brew and talked with his dad
then had a play fight on his bed

i came home and since then i havent done much
but i plan to hopefully do some dancing or drawing
something anyway
then watch anime with Oz

tomorrow I am seeing Nigel
he isnt giving me acupuncture tho!
hes learnt a new type of massage, but he isnt qualified in it
but would like me to be his guinea pig and i agreed cus i dont mind really
so thats at 10:30am not sure how long for tho
then seeing adam apparently

wonder what tonight will be like
some nights i ache like crazy
some im shattered
some im hyper and feel like howling at the moon XD

my nails this week~

another wasted monday

Evening all~~

And what a total waste of a day today has been
which exactly like last monday which surprised me
I just felt exhausted and mentally drained
once again I hadnt slept
I was aching like crazy in bed and I got up when my parents went to bed
i thought "sod it i will take two" instead of taking 1 pain killer
only when I had taken it did I remember I still had one left in my system from
earlier so I had overdosed a lil but I wasnt arsed
wasnt going to kill me
did make me feel off my head tho as im not used to taking 2 anymore
never mind 3 so I went to bed to conk out on there which I did
then I woke up in the night as per usual~

I havent done anything today like literally nothing
i went back to bed at 12pm
i just couldnt think my eyes felt tiny and sore
so i slept for 2 hour straight and i did feel more awake when i got up
but my body was still very sluggish
its taken til 6pm for energy to flow so i did a bit of dancing

i did some doodling today and i found an anime for me and Oz to watch later
apart from that ive done nothing
i did eat one of mum's homemade cookies
i knew i shouldnt but i wanted it as they arent that big and i hadnt eaten much 
but i actually didnt enjoy it
so i know not to bother next time  i will leave the rest for my brother to scoff XD

tomorrow I am hopefully seeing adam woo
be nice to have some company but i dont know what to do with him
i cant plan my day somehow 

i got some more korean products in the post last week
i got a lavender face cream to make under the eyes brighter - which it does ive tried it!
and i got a orange lip crayon and its proper orange!!!
both im pleased with and i got for a good price with free samples

White Lace Kitty Ears

Evening~

I didn't sleep as usual
fed up so so fed up
I actually felt poorly this morning i really didnt feel good and thought
id have to cancel antony but i knew i couldnt do that to the guy
so i sucked it up and put on my big girl panties and got ready

I walked to the pub where we were meeting
i felt so dizzy walking i think its sheer fatigue 
and i was thankful i had decided to walk not drive

I met antony and told him the pub door were shut
he showed me on facebook that it said it should have opened an hour ago
so we waited for adam
and then i said we'd walk to the cafe which thank god was open as i needed a brew
i hadnt had a morning brew

it was really lovely we sat talking and talking we all ate lunch
and he filled us in on his wedding the april
its so nice to see him so happy

we parted ways and i walked to my house with adam
we didnt stay too long as we went for a walk but i was so damn tired
adam wanted to go to a cafe and i didnt argue 
he ordered me tea and i sat down for it saying he didnt need to as he paid for me
in the morning and had just paid again for me 
he simply said "dont worry about it i could see you needed it"
"what do you mean i needed it?"
"just trust me Jo i can see you needed it"
later on he told me i look tired T^T 
i must just look like a corpse 24/
and im sick of it

we went back to adams house
and i sat talking but i was aching aching and more aching like i have all sodding day
i have felt rotten all bloody day
i walked off having enough of sitting there
and found the energy to annoy him and followed me upstairs were i was literally tortured on his bed i hate being ticklish and how easy it is for him to get a reaction out of me!!!! its infuriating!!! 
he only has to whisper something dirty/rude in my ear for me to ether make a noise or turn red or both!! and i cant do it back it doesnt work and he isnt ticklish ether
i went home for dinner i was offered dinner but was far too tired

came home and went straight to the toilet for 20mins jesus i had punishing stomach upset 
just one thing after another today
i havent done much since then just 3 emails and checked a couple of things online

I finished Houseki no Kuni last night with Oz
all i can say is that it best have a season 2 otherwise that is another sucky anime
not sure what i will watch next actually

tomorrow not sure what im doing yet
millie had gunky eyes this morning so ive booked her in at the vets for tomorrow but her eyes cleared up the rest of today so i will see in the morning whether she needs to go or not

I made white lace kitty ear clips this week from a headband i brought on ebay for 99p

Late Matlock Photos

Evening~~

I did my nails last night woo
quite like em~
I was up at 4am tho
I ended up having cereal due to the fact I needed to take pain killers
and taking them on an empty stomach aint good
so of course this means i still havent slept

So today I got up and motivated to go clean pets out
and had a shower
then I set off to adams house I hadnt txted him all morning I figured Id
just turn up and surprise him and to my surprise i found him home alone too
but we didnt stay in long as we went to go get food
we went shops for food but i ate porridge for lunch as i didnt fancy other food
i have felt sick all day

after lunch i did his mum's nails she has got clouds this week
she was happy with em
we sat round then i was getting fidgety and achy so we went upstairs
but i just wanted to sleep and he wouldnt let me sleep and im glad he didnt but it didnt stop me from the time giving him attitude about it all
then i left as he had work

i came home and went on my laptop and applied for teaching assistant jobs
did some dinner and 20mins of dancing 
tonight i plan on watching the final  2 episodes of Houseki no Kuni with Ozwald

tomorrow I am seeing a friend from school - antony
who has kindly invited me to his wedding and so i said id like to see him before that event!
were meeting at the pub at 11am but adam was on about going gym at that time
so i will give him the option of gym or antony i know full well he will come see antony with me
should be nice~
but then i dont know what to do after that 
see how the day goes i guess

ok so my matlock trip
we stayed in an old castle which was very lovely honestly i have never stayed in anything like it and we had a double bed each (they were already put next to one another) it was nice to have room on the bed for a change. the room was lovely and had a bath which i made full use of!
we were in a part of the castle by ourselves literally no one else around so we had no one else to listen to. woohoo!
the view from outside our hotel/castle

when we left the car there we walked up to 'black rock' my god it was a walk and a half i tell you but it was good to do i guess as it killed time and black rock was amazing as per usual but i totally forgot that adam doesnt like heights such the good girlfriend i am -____- so i took photos of what it looked like over the cliff for him XD its strange seeing him afraid of something 

from there we were able to check into the hotel and we rested before going to a pub called "the greyhound" and I had butternut squash risotto which was good actually

next day i drove to lumsdale falls as i LOVE that place its full of natural water falls
it gently snowed whilst we walked round which added to the magic of the place
i loved it and this was the day before my birthday

then we went to matlock for a quick look round and had lunch at 'the black cat cafe' that was a really lovely place, then we went to matlock bath were there was absoultely nothing open i know its not tourist season but jeez ghost town. luckily we found ONE cafe open and it did proper tea with tea leaves and home made cake jesus i was having a sugar fix it was bloody amazing i had chocolate orange cake adam had fudge cake
i drove back to the hotel for a rest and then for dinner we went to a pub in matlock  called 'the red lion' i had to drive there in the snow going up steep hills in the dark! scary!
the food was amazing i ate so much i had lasagna ate far too much

the next day was my 26th birthday and when i woke up next to adam
he went to go give me my birthday present and gave me loads of affection too
then we left for home 

matlock was really enjoyable - very cold - but i did enjoy it
next time we 'go away' will be april
we have our 1 year anniversary coming up and also antonys wedding in burton on trent 

My Sugar Vow

Evening~~

Last night was terrible
I was in so much pain that I was just weeping
I wasnt even actually crying just had tears leaking down my face
It was horrific I was just hurting so much
and then suddenly the penny dropped
i had binged on sugar...yup I had had a mega sugar fix yesterday
and I have began to notice that a lot sugar = awful pain
so at 11:30pm I vowed in my bed that I would stop having binges on sugar
and I would cut my daily in take

so today has been cold turkey and it has sucked big time!!!
cereal i snack on all day long seriously i do i love it
i keep cereal in business XD
so thats got to stop but for the record i dont eat sugary cereal
theres far worse and sinful on the market trust me!
but cereal will have to remain just for breakfast
i have cut my sugar in my tea to 1/2 tea spoon sugar
cutting out cakes, biscuits, chocolates all that
jesus its like going on a diet!!!! trouble is i dont even like crisps or pastries 
to enjoy instead of sugar so life sucks
but after last night i just couldnt bare to do it to my self its not worth it
its really not, its pain i could prevent and to say i spend EVERY SINGLE DAY
in pain and i could prevent pain then im gonna do it!
its like drinking and having a hangover
and my hangover isnt worth it

today has been hard
i have not once gone for cereal i have had 2 cups of tea, a hot chocolate and a biscuit
so for day 1 thats not too criminal 
but i will keep improving 
the biscuit and hot chocolate were small tho for the record!

anyway enough about sugar its making me want a cereal fix
miss cereal all ready T^T
i had work today and i felt better about it today
i just got on with it really and finished at 12pm
there was cake in the staff room and usually when this happens i usually think
"oh my god free cake!!!" but today i saw it and thought straight back to myself weeping in pain in bed last night and so it repelled me from eating any

I came home and felt quite tired but made myself a salad and put girls out
i went for a half hour walk by myself
came home and showered 
then just relaxed as best i could i played a whole 50mins on my DS!!
thats good for me trust me usually after 10mins ive had enough 

I went to Nigel's for some acupuncture that mum MADE me go to >.>
didnt wanna go
i mean nigel is great needles on the other hand...
so i said to him
"smallest needles are needed today nigel"
he said "so the 0.06 thickness?"
"theryre the ones"
upon lying down he started putting them in and said
"these are the 0.21 needles"
"thats not what we agreed"
"yes but the 0.06 ones are too short"
"thats not problem" yes i challenge him i think XD
later he gave me massage and i didnt know massages could be so damn painful
but i can take pain i just endure it as ever since my illness i know that an extra pain will go very shortly unlike my persistent pain
so he was really pulling down with his thumb in my shoulder (yes its as painful as it sounds) and i eventually said "i dont think its gonna break"
he sniggered "im not trying to break it"
then he had his knee cap in my back bone and was pulling me back onto it by my shoulders and i said "i can be pulled more test me test me"
he laughed and said "this is certainly flexible" but didnt test me boooooo
I left feeling looser 
and he has learned a new massage type but not qualified but feels id benefit as its a massage to help the nervous system which is a big issue with me its basically because of my nervous system that im in constant pain. he asked if i would be his guinea pig
so i agreed and booked in with him for wednesday
he then said "it could give you headaches and make you feel achy"
i said "you tell me this now after ive booked in with you and agreed to have it! thats not on!"
i dont mind nigel i can have a laugh with him now hes got used to me
ive had 27 sessions!! hes spent 27 hours with me!! more than a whole day!

this evening i am with my Ozwald
we are gonna watch anime which i have been doing with him past few days
and it has been such a long time since i have watched anime
i really got out of watching it
so lately its been Houseki no Kuni
quite into it actually found a trailer randomly on youtube and decided to give anime another go
i was getting so disappointed by anime that i stopped watching it
then im gonna do my nails
here was this weeks or last weeks...i forget

tomorrow I am seeing adam as per usual on a saturday