New Paints!

Evening~

I could actually walk this morning!
Which I was glad about
I slept like crap tho so I was tired when i got up at 8am
I got up and ready and by 10:30am I was up for adam
we went to the Range where I spent £40 on painting equipment 
its been in the pipe line for a while now I have wanted new paints for months!!
So i was happy to finally have earned some money to buy them with

From there we went to his house
I sat and talked about park run with his parents
the 3 of them already knew my time - his dad cant help himself but to look it up - and they were very surprised I had managed such a feat
I drove us to a local park which we walked through to go to the pub for lunch
I had soup I wasnt hungry
then we walked back and I had the afternoon at adams house
I did his mum's nails which she was pleased about
then I left at 5ish

I came home and cooked the bbq for everyone
i dont mind cooking it but my dry hay fever eyes are terrible
i wore sunglasses whilst cooking, had eye drops afterwards and could literally not see
but what can i do
mum did the washing up
that annoyed me
why does she keep mothering me and not let me do what i want to do
its almost smoothing at times
and i get frustrated 
me getting frustrated right now isnt a good thing

im losing what little control i had over myself
my thoughts, emotions, what i come out with, what i do
the control is all slipping
its scaring me
i need help which is starting this week 
a part of my mind needs sedating i think
I fear telling anyone the true extent of what goes off behind my eyes
in this mental head of mine
im scared to tell mum cus i dont want to scare or worry her
i dont want to tell adam he knows bits and pieces but i dont want him to know the nut case he is currently choosing to stand beside
i fear telling mental professionals in case the diagnose me with something i struggle to accept and come to terms with
i think its the whole not knowing thing thats doing me at the moment
not knowing just what the hell is wrong with me

tomorrow im thinking of going for a run in the morning
then not sure for the rest of the day
adam is working all day
so im thinking i could work on my painting!

Me today!