Evening or afternoon as its only 4:45pm!
I was up again til 1am
3rd day in a row
im tired!!
Felt crippled when I got up like id have a road accident or something
it took a while to get going
and i wanted to get going
i somehow, and god knows how, but found the strength to go for a run
and i did my usual route not a short cut
i took it a lil slower but felt much better for getting out
i had a shower and whilst i still had energy i got out my cutting stuff
and started cutting fabric
that took me til lunch when id have enough
after lunch i laid on my bed for a while just in the quiet
not wanting to do anything really
i got up went on my laptop looking at dances and other bits
didnt get far with anything
cant think
im tired and achy
but i want to keep going i dont want to lose what i built up
the voice in my head is quiet
its almost too quiet
like lonely in a weird way
i want the energy it provides and the pain relief
is it coming back?
so unsure
sometimes feel frustrated that im not getting as much
done as id like to do or earning money and then another side of me thinks
"its first week of the holidays chill out for gods sake!"
just a bit in limbo with stuff
id rang up the mental house haha and asked if i could speak to the
psychiatrist today and the receptionist said he'd give me a call today
and with only 10 mins til his shift ends it doesnt look like he will be making that
phone call to me
just want to tell him ive stopped my medication really
i have no idea where it will get me
tonight im going out with adam
were going for food at 6pm and then onto the arcades
when i originally planned this i felt good
but cus im so tired and a bit withdrawn into myself
it feels like a massive ask to go through with this evening
i want to tho i cant give in ive got to go out and enjoy myself
got to be normal and not wallow in self pity
i just wish i had more energy and not all these thoughts i cant control
tomorrow will probably be a repeat of today
exercise, fabric cutting, getting through the day somehow
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