Well last night going to tara's was a royal disaster
I went and got 5mins from her house to find the main road closed
i had no satnav and no one with me
i was forced to take A roads
i had no idea where i was, where i was going
and i just want to come home
i was scared
i am not a confident driver. i dont drive far and im scared of getting lost
honestly being lost scares the crap out of me
its happened too many times and each time i about have a panic attack
behind the wheel which isnt safe
somehow i always manage to find myself back
if im honest i do have a great sense of direction whether on foot or by car
i can just do it and find my way back
if i panic then it goes to pot
i found my way home through my tears and shaking arms and hands
i pulled up and got out the car and i couldnt speak i was so shaken
mum hugged me and was shocked at how badly i was shaking
panic attacks do that
stupid really
very stupid
but we all have things we dont cope with
technically i knew i would never actually be lost as i had my phone on me and i know that has google maps but if im honest ive never used it. usually i have satnav or someone with me who uses google maps for me.so last night my brother showed me the app for next time im lost
i texted tara she apologised for not letting me know the main road was closed and we'd meet at the pub another time. I just dont know that end of town
all night i was sunk inside myself. drained. i couldnt be doing with anything or anyone
i went to bed at 9pm and woke up at 7am
me and mum went for run and we both said after how tight our chests were
so i think the air must have been dusty it was very windy today
but i managed it and had a shower and breakfast afterwards
i went shops with mum
we went all over really
i got a few bits to make some crafty presents with
then i came home and had lunch
cut some fabric out and i got it all cut out actually
just blasted on through it and got it done
adam texted me last night he said he felt bad about the day how he practically sent me home and was no fun. i told him he was fine. but he says i was off with him giving 1 word answers but i just wasnt in the mood to text and talk.
today he said i could come over if i wanted to
he'd been doctors and for a hair cut he didnt bother going gym this week
so he''d done nothing all day
i went over around 2:30pm
we did nothing
not a thing
i know i wasnt perfect with how i was mentally as ive been in a bubble since last night
but he really wasnt talkative or anything
so at 4pm i got up and i left so thats twice ive come home early from him
he texted saying he was sorry i told him he had nothing to apologise for and if hes tired he should have told me and not seen me. i told him not to see me tomorrow after work id see him on sunday as i want him to have a break. he says he has a break friday and saturday well he works 9am - 11pm friday and saturday i dont call that a break. he works til 12pm on thursdays so he can have the rest of the day to himself and depending on how we both feel depends on if i see him sunday.
i went through my newly cut fabric and arranged which colours go where
so theyre ready to be sewn now, then that will take me up to 20
i brought the backing blanket today which is white with multi coloured polka dots on
not that you'll see it as it will be the back of the wall hanging
tomorrow i will go for a run as i think mum is wanting to run im not sure
then do some sewing and we have karen with her mental yoga session in the evening
my nails this week~
No comments:
Post a Comment