Ah last night didnt go well...
I stayed up and picked adam up from work as his parents are away
and I said I would do that for them and for him
So at 10:10pm I went to go get him
I was only waiting 2mins when I pulled up and he showed up at 10:25pm
we were happy laughing and joking then he asked me how my psychology session went
I told him that i went fine and that I was close to being discharged but that I still had sessions in place as I was anxious about being discharged
adam said "good cus you need something in place for when it goes bad"
i was quite taken back by this and said "thanks" sarcastically
I had been positive about it all, and come back from my session positive and happy and mum was positive about it and then he just berates it like that
he said "i wasnt being mean but we've had it before when your voice has gone and then come back" I said "well it's been back a week"
he said "oh right" yeah bub you werent expecting that, seeing as you never asked
I said "yes which is why ive been asking you 'how do you think i've been mentally?'"
he said "i wasnt being negative"
i said "you best bloody not be"
i was so hurt and mad that my hands were shaking on the steering wheel
I couldn't believe the lack of faith he had and it made me feel like he must see me as being a weak person. and pulled it apart like that
I went quiet as i was hurt
he casually asked about Oz and the girls I just answered automatically and just focused on the short journey home at that point
dropped him off and pulled off before he even got his house keys out
i felt like crap
i got home to find a text message on my phone
'thanks for the lift and i wasnt being negative'
no well it sure bloody seemed like that
i said "if im honest you peed me off"
he said "im sorry, i wish i hadnt said all that"
i said "im hurt. i was so hurt and mad my hands were shaking on the steering wheel. I stayed up for you and picked you up just to get screwed over. it stinks"
he couldnt apologise enough i think he soon realised just how crap he made me feel
i had a lot of text messages then up til 1am about how much he's screwed up and how much he loves me. I told to get some sleep which is what i wanted to do
i didnt tell anyone til I told mum this morning
when i woke up I sent him a messaged saying I wasn't mad or hated him and i didnt want him thinking about it all day
turns out he'd been awake a lot in the night, he'd been crying, he was sorry
in the grand scheme of things it wasn't that big a deal
we shouldnt have discussed my mental health at 10:30 at night
normally and snarky comments go over my head but comments about my mental health are a sore spot and im fragile about it
i went for my park run
unsure why i did really
i felt a bit unwell
i hadnt slept, my hands were shaking and my legs felt like jelly and i hadnt even got dressed yet
not a good start, i almost didnt go
but i told myself to go, not go for a new record and to just take my time getting round.
we arrived at park run, I didn't see Guy from last week which didnt surprise me
i didn't feel great and said to mum i wouldnt push it
I took my time getting round, my god it was a slog i had to really talk my self through it and felt like walking or even giving up!
I did it and felt I had managed under 30 mins
as I caught my breath i had a bit of moment....
i thought everyone was looking at me, coming near me, walking near me, coming in my space
i hated it and started to feel panicky like there wasnt enough space
i went into a corner and held myself
i would have gone to the car but my mum wouldnt have known where i was so i waited
and waited
i wanted to cry i felt so unhappy in the world i wanted to dissolve into nothing
mum crossed the line, saw me, saw i wasnt right and took me straight to the car she didnt wait for her friends like she usually does. She saw my arms and hands shaking and said i looked grey
how i looked grey after id been panting and sweating i have no idea
i got home and i was cold
i wrapped up in a thick dressing down whilst drinking tea
my stomach felt like it had flipped upside down
i was shaking
just wasnt right
i couldnt be bothered to shower but i did
mum cleaned the pets out for me, usually i do it before we park run but i didnt have the energy this morning.
i checked my time and I had achieved a new PB of 27:32 so I believe I have taken 14 seconds off last week's time. I was shocked i truly was as I didnt push myself or peg it over the finish line how i usually do. Last week I pushed myself because I felt good.
maybe i'm finding it easier? am i getting fitter?
wish my dancing improved this fast!! ><
i popped to a shop for bread with mum
came back and had lunch then went to bed for 2 hours
i had a text from adam 'a delivery for you is coming at 5pm'
great
what i needed, him feeling guilty and paying out again
i told him it wasnt necessary but he said he felt he needed to
i didn't do much all afternoon from waking up at 3pm
just felt drained
i sat talking about my relationship with adam to mum for over an hour
just stuff im not happy with and what i need to address
but last night has made no odds as to how i feel this has been building for some time
5pm came and the delivery did in fact turn up
dad answered the door with me behind him (he got there first)
a man stood with a big ass flower arrangement....oh dear....
it was so unnecessary
so i had all these flowers to sort but mum said she wanted to them as i usually do hers
they must have cost a pretty penny honestly
they are nice but im finding it hard to look at them
im undeserving of them
he didnt need to do it
but here we are
a lot of flowers huh
and he'd written a little card that came with it saying how much he loves me
it wasnt that big a deal!! i wasnt mad today or holding a grudge!!
he needn't have bothered
im suppose to be seeing him tomorrow as i do every sunday
but im not feeling it
not sure i want to
i know i cant avoid him forever but i just cant face it right now
nothing like this has happened before and im unsure how to handle this situation
its so new to me. such a learning curve
i want to make things better but because i had so much swirling in mind about our relationship anyway its made if feel all the more difficult to face him
i did text mia see what she was doing tomorrow
could go out with my parents
i dont know
i feel messed up right now
my head has too much going off
my body feels tired and shaky
i didnt do any sewing or drawing today
had a day off from life
What did annoy me today tho was when the door was answered to the flowers
dad asked "what are these for?"
i said "ah adam was a bit of a jerk last night but this is over board"
he said "maybe you need someone being a jerk to you sometimes"
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSE TO MEAN!?
i said "thanks dad i'll remember that when im feeling crap"
so not sure what i will do tomorrow
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