I haven't been myself
I don't think I've done much lately apart from cry if im honest
my eyes actually sting from crying so much over the last few days
im so tired and in a lot of pain
god i sound right misery guts right now but yeah im just not right...
So since I last did my diary I can't say ive achieved much as I have
simply been trying to recover my body from running it into the ground
but I have tried where I can
I signed back on with the agency and been applying to jobs left right and centre
not that i know what i want to do ive just been looking for part time jobs really
as clearly full time is out the question
we had Maisie poorly
she was struggling to breathe properly which is what lily died of
so of course we were down the vets spending £70 on her to get her better
but do you know what, usually any animal treatment i am on it
im like mini vet at home
but i didnt get involved with maisie, yes i gave her the medicine daily but i wasnt checking her, i wasnt doing the feeding i left that to my brother and mum, i didnt feel anything towards her
id completely closed off from her as if i simply couldnt handle anything else
mum said it was so not like me and i wasnt doing it on purpose
on friday we had had maisie a year! and fingers crossed she is looking better!
my brother was a bit upset by it all as he loves maisie to pieces
what else
on friday i had work for the afternoon at a local primary school thats opposite mia's house and was my old nursery actually
god it was so very different to the nursery i had just left
the kids werent feral
so different
the agency told me to get there for 11:45am got to the school and the receptionist said "youre nice and early you dont start til 12:30"
so i wasted my time by sitting like a melon in a staffroom by myself
just wait to the agency hears from me
i felt a little panicky time to time but talked myself out of it
im there in the same class all day monday
which im apprehensive about to be honest
but i want to try
right now agency work sucks but its the only work i have, the only income i have and keeps me in the social world. I want to keep going with it til i can
after school i popped into mias as she has fridays off
i stayed til 6pm i talked to her about this and that
and she said she wasnt surprised i had to give the job up and could see i wasnt right
i havent been eating properly
despite putting yet another pound on
thats a pound a week for the last 4 weeks
so thats sent anorexia thoughts into over drive
i dont want to eat cus of my head
but not only that i keep getting really bad stomach ache when i eat
so ive had a liquid diet where i can
as its not as painful mentally and physically
the pets are in the shed now so its a bit of a chore to go up and get them but last year we put them in the shed in november so at least we've had a month less of walking up to that shed this year
I rang up the psychiatrist on monday for an appointment the secretary said he was in a meeting and would ring me back
friday came no phone call still
so i chased it up
turns out the secretary forgot to write my name down to say i called....
so she said she'd get him to call
never got the phone call
so thats another week im waiting now
disgusting isnt it
good job im not topping myself
although i have had multiple thoughts about blades to the skin or over dosing
but im still here
i havent been running at all this week
i did dance one day this week and i enjoyed it but it wasnt for long at all as i was too worn out but i wanted to try
im just so tired and in pain, not sleeping cus of thoughts and pain
its like being back in the old days
i just want to be healthy so i can keep up with life
at the moment life is over whelming and not enjoyable
not sure what im actually doing tomorrow
weather has been horrid lately
windy and rainy it makes you not want to go out thats for sure
but i will find something to do
here is that pot i painted a couple of weeks ago
i kept forgetting to upload a photo
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