new thermal compression socks how exciting

Evening

I took 175mg of pain relief last night
felt quite good and i only felt a lil drugged up in the morning
still i know i shouldnt be taking these doses but ive gone past the stage of caring

i got up for work
work was long and dullllll
it was so boring
like no practicals for me so nothing to make up or clean up
dead boring
i was doing just odd jobs to pass the time really
i felt nervous in the morning as i didnt know how jack was gonna be with me
he was fine
he said he was sorry about the weekend
but in all honesty i couldnt be arsed with him
yes i could have let him have it right there in the prep room
but i just couldnt be bothered
i just said "its ok" and walked off
but i have been off with him all day
ive felt pretty fed up all day if im honest
ive talked with staff about anything and everything just to pass the time

and behold tomorrow
i have back to back practicals!!!!
why cant it balance out
also tuesday is suppose to be my quiet day, it seems the only lessons i have on are typically practical lessons, also its the first week of science club but im leaving early to go collect a lamb's heart from the butcher. i left early today to go collect maggots which are currently residing in our garage fridge much to my mother's disgust 
tomorrow there will be a lambs heart in there instead
the joys of biology

so tomorrow looks full on
gonna be shattered but at least i wont be bored
i did put up a halloween display which looks good and i got praised for too ^^

i came home - early
which was nice i have to say even if it was only by half hour
i complained to mum about my pain and wanting to die as i had enough
i cried a bit
im so low lately i dont know whats up with me
but i could quite easily give up and curl up and not wake up
ive about had enough of my life

we got a txt from Nigel my acupuncturist at the weekend
he's back!!
he went travelling with his wife last year and was suppose to not come back
but hes back! and doing appointments!
so ive booked to see him friday
it will be so good to see him again
and im hoping he can help me with my pain

ive brought these from japan, very expensive £20 each
thermal compression socks 

for when it gets colder
i had a pair last year and they were good

lets get tomorrow done with
jack wants me to stay over on wednesday night
but i cant be bothered

It's just been a rough week

Evening

I havent been doing my diary, i know
things have just been so bad this week
i hit rock bottom
i was so low
in so much pain
and had almost given up
i didnt want to go to work
its just been awful it really has

my week at work was alright, a lil slow at times
and tiring
a few times i was just in so much pain all i wanted to do was cry and go home
i cried when i got home on monday tuesday wednesday
i slept a lot
i wasnt sleeping at night
so i was tired for work

jack i could tell was concerned and said we'd do something at the weekend
something good and something to make me smile
we arranged to go to derby on saturday
we were to meet up at 10:30am
i hadnt slept well, but i got up, did some yoga to help myself, got my stuff together and did my hair and make up all ready to go
he didnt wake up til 12pm...
it hurt
he was the one who was gonna try make stuff better. he isnt late for the things he wants to do, he doesnt let other people down but he let me down
he said he was sorry and asked if i was still coming over
i said "i dont know if i can be bothered if im honest"
im always the one doing all the running around and id had enough
so i didnt see him nor did i txt him
he doesnt put any effort into the relationship at all
i love him but he needs to try and work at it
as at the moment i feel its always always me

so i put all my stuff away, took my make up and went to bed
i was so low at this point
i just didnt want to feel anything

i got up and did some dancing
and went back to bed
night time came and i was crying again as i was hurting both physically and mentally
so i went from taking 0mg of my pain relief to 225mg + a sleeping tablet
id gone past the stage of caring if i woke up in the morning
mum came to see me when i went to bed and asked what id taken
i considered lying to her so she wouldnt worry but i told the truth
she was worried and said i shouldnt do things like that and to wake her in the night if i didnt feel well. 
i ended up sleeping for 12 hours
it was amazing
i woke up feeling well off my face
i was so drugged up it was brilliant
mum said she'd poked her head round my door this morning to see if i was still breathing XD
i said "i might have been in a coma"
she said "i had considered this actually"

so today i have felt better cus of the sheer amount i took
i plan to take 100mg tonight
no sleeping tablet tho
i did 50 mins of straight dancing i was dripping
i managed to finish Monogatari's For me
as i love love that song :D but my dance needs work
i did 30 mins of yoga
altered the painting i did last week
sorted out my laptop finally 
did some paper work that ive been putting off
so yeah i got a bit achieved today

not heard from jack today
let him feel like hes in the dog house
i will be professional tomorrow tho at work

and thats it really
i have come to realise that i do infact need my pain relief
i talked it over with my parents and yeah i need them
i hate hate hate admitting that
when ive come so far in coming off them
but if i need to continue to poison my self with them then so be it
ive got an appointment to see a back pain specialist ive been waiting to see since april
that will be in october and so will my hip xray
and i hope to get other appointments so i can sort out pain relief
as i have no life at the moment
overdosing seems to be my only joy
and that in its self is sad

Tick Tock Painting

Evening

I woke up at 8am
my god the state of my bed...what had i been doing in my sleep!?
bottom sheet was off, the duvet pulled away from the wall and frame, plushes everywhere and on the floor, it was a mess
god knows what i had been doing

i got up and went to put pets out but it started raining
and rained all morning
i was gonna see mia at 10am but she rang to say rob's parents had invited themselves over
and would i mind coming over later as its not the same as you cant talk how you normally want to in front of parents. that was fine with me as all i was doing today was painting
which i can say i have finished!!

its alright i guess
i just dont feel im improving
i asked jack if he thinks the art teacher at school would mind giving me some pointers 
so i might take my sketchbook in tomorrow

after i finished painting
i feel asleep, woke up and went mias for a few hours
met walter the whippet
who was like Bambi, his muscles havent developed so he cant do what he wants to do
its very sweet but he will soon grow and develop that im sure
todd was there too who was asleep on the sofa the entire time
its good hes being so good with walter what with him being such an old dog

i left there and had dinner when i came home
rolled around in pain for a bit
my god i ache
and im hoping its cus i havent done any exercise today or that i did a lot of exercise yesterday
i could not be bothered to do anything tho
im tired so tired and in pain
its hard to do anything
but somehow i forced myself to go for a walk then did a bit of yoga
cant say i feel much better so i might treat myself to some pain killers tonight
im on my last week of medication!
literally counting the days
days until im free
free after 9 years of poisoning myself with them
i need to celebrate when im off them

cant wait for my bed
im gonna sit with oz and do my nails and go bed
ive had enough

tomorrow is school
ive got such a busy day at that
ive gotta be on it tomorrow otherwise i could easily make a lot of bad mistakes
got all the compost in my car to take out too
wish me luck

new eye shadows

Evening

yesterday was work
it wasnt too bad a bit boring at times
my god my monday looks hectic i dont want to go
i made up the chemicals i wasnt looking forward to doing
took me a while and i had to use maths, i made mess but i did it
a little achievement as i didnt need any help
jack wrote what chemicals i needed, julia helped me find them
and off i went 
theyre in the fridge now ready to be used
i wrote down instructions for me next time so i know what im doing
jack was being his usual jerky self and says stuff to me in front of staff
its amazing how many members of staff back me up tho to say hes been there years
before me everyone takes my side
he told me after i'd left that head of physics had said "you've got to stop being so mean to jo"
jack was like "yeah ok i will" XD
everyone likes jo~

i came home as we'd got plans to go out with
rebecca and alan in the evening
so i got ready and it turned out that alan couldnt spare the time
so the evening was cancelled
but jack text me to say we could still go out
and thats what we did
we went for an amazing pizza
we were gonna go for dessert afterwards but we both agreed that we 
would only be forcing it down ourselves
so we went home, intent to watch a film
we sat talking with theo a while
then laid on his bed and he fell asleep
i asked him if he was tired and he said "no no im fine" sleepily 
so i left him it was 11pm and i went to take tablets and get ready for bed
i came back half an hour later to find he was just gone
light was on, he was dressed and hadnt done his teeth
i just turned off the light and crawled into bed and cuddled the snorlax plush
jack didnt stir much so yeah he was obviously tired

in the morning
god he took ages to motivate
hes worse than a woman to get out the house
we spent time on his bed tho cuddling up which was nice as we havent done that in a few weeks as we havent met up and we dont touch each other at work
i said "i cuddled snorlax all night"
he said "i know...if he had a strap on then you could just replace me with him"
i laughed 
and he said "Straplax"
i died at this just laughing
i said "dont give him a porn star name! youre ruining him!"
he was laughing
he said "next time you're over straplax will just be waiting on the bed with a strap on on"
i went upstairs and told theo
and he said "what dont you want to explore straplax's 15 inches?"
i said "15 inches!?" 
theo said "look jo we've talked him down to 15 inches"
i was laughing so much
and then they were both googling strap ons....
just ew
the things that exist in this world is grim
but poor snorlax

we eventually left for the garden centre as i needed stuff for work
and got all i needed 
then i took him to a different garden centre so he could get a plant for his nan
then he said "theo has harvey over, shall we go for dessert?"
i said "im not fussed i need to do a walk or exercise"
he said "we cant do both as harvey goes at 4pm"
i could tell he wanted to see his friends and i kinda needed space to myself
so i dropped him off, he was sad i wasnt spending time with him and his friends
but we didnt get out til 1pm cus he was faffing so id wasted half my saturday
and walking round busy hot city centre going for a dessert i didnt want didnt sound like my idea of a good way to spend a precious weekend
so i dropped him off
came home
danced for an hour
then went for a walk as it was so sunny and had a lovely warm breeze
i came back and my brother came home
i was laying on the brick wall in the garden
it was a much better way to spend my time
such freedom to do what i want
i had a shower, pajamas and laid on my bed

im really tired now tho i have to say
cant wait for bed

tomorrow i had been invited to go birmingham with jack and his family for his nan and mums birthday but ive played 'happy families' with my own family years ago and found it boring and i dont want to waste my sunday
that may seem selfish but even jack has told me not to go as its gonna be boring
he doesnt want to go
he said "theyre more bothered if youre going than if im going!"
i laughed
also, sitting for almost 2 hours in the car to birmingham, then sitting round his nans, then sitting for almost 2 hours coming home in the evening and having work in the morning
is a BIG ask for me
im gonna be in such pain and i told jack that he said "really, dont come"
so instead im going to finish my painting i started last weekend
im soooo looking forward to it i have to say!
but before i can paint im seeing mia in the morning
im meeting her new Whippet puppy she got on friday
shes named it Walter....
walter whippet
should be cute anyway

i keep watching the dance for dreamcatcher's breaking out
its so hard but i want the challenge

i got a new make up eye shadow pallet from USA this week
not used it yet but i can not wait to have ago with some of these colours!!!

now molly at the vets

Konbanwa

last night we noticed molly had a bit of a wet eye
we checked and couldnt see anything
we said we would see how it was in the morning

another morning of not needing the alarm
honestly
i woke up at 5:40am so not too bad for me really

work
my god work
god did i screw up big style this morning
it was one thing after another 
never ending
but i got there in the end
i sat outside during lunch by myself as it was sunny
i soon left as soon at it hit 4pm
left the prep room floor to dry as i mopped it
it was so dirty

i was sooooooo tired
i was even tempted to come home this afternoon as i just felt off and tired
but stuck it out, i was glad to get home
mum had taken molly mole to the vets
shes got an eye infection so ive got to give her drops twice a day
poor molly
mum is fed up of vet bills ><
i hope Oz doesnt make it the third pet at the vets this month!

i started falling asleep on the sofa
and said i wasnt going yoga even tho mum had gotten ready
id had enough
i was tired and in a lot of pain
dad said "go you bone idle git"
fine yeesh
so i dragged myself there
it was hard work but somehow i did it

now im truly ready for bed
im dead
i hope i get through tomorrow
cant wait for weekend tho i have to say
need time to recover after my week

tomorrow its just work
got some practicals to prep for next week ones im not certain about
but jack says he'd help me
this afternoon was slow at work i hope tomorrow goes quickly enough
see how molly is tomorrow
Oz sniffed her on my knee but didnt lick her
he always liked millie
misses millie

i ordered a hip brace, should come next week
give it a go i guess
yet more money wasted on health care products

molly' first day alone

Evening


ahhh soooo tired
ive been up since 4:30am as thats the time i woke up
and i knew i wouldnt get back off to sleep

school was alright
same old but i was able to stay on top if it all
spilt hot tea all over me and my lab coat
i hope my lab coat will wash out >< 
i need to bring it home for a wash
good job i was wearing it other wise i would have burned myself a lot worse
but yeah i did alright at work
a few hot and cold sweats but its to be expected

i got home and we had molly out
mum said she's been alright today bless her
and mum has said shes not sure whether she wants more pigs or not
so yeah we shall see

i fell asleep for an hour
i was shattered i really was
i still am i havent done a single thing since i got home
no walk or exercise or anything 
just too tired and worn out to even think

i cant stay over at jacks at the weekend
i can tell its annoying him now - theo and his loud sex woman
cus its not fair on jack and its stopping me staying over too
hes on about buying speakers for his computer and blasting out gross porn next time theo and his woman are at it XD 

i had to take one of my new piercings out my lobe as it hurt and was very sore
so i took it out and slept for an hour when i woke up it had healed round the back...
that fast! 
so i had to force and i mean force, an earring through
it was sooo painful like worse than getting it actually pierced
good job im good with pain
it bled a bit but it should be alright now

got through half the week
i can see the rest of the week through im sure
i want to continue with my painting
school and yoga tomorrow

Rest in peace my beloved Millie

What a day

Didn't sleep well
hot and cold sweats
longing for pain relief
thinking of millie

I woke up at 5am
and by 5:40am I was up
couldnt bare it any longer
i went to see Oz at 5:45 instead of the usual 6am
he looked at me like "what ungodly hour do you call this?"
he didnt lick me he just looked displeased XD
too early even for rabbits it would seem!

I didnt have time to sit with millie this morning
however i said morning to her and found molly cuddled next to her
my brother made the effort and carried her round the house whilst he got ready

school was fine to be honest
and jack said i seemed off
and eventually i told him that i made myself upset last night by looking at hip braces
how ugly they were, how i refuse to wear one, how my body is deteriorating
he said - Mr. logical as usual
"if you wore one now it might help your hips from worsening"
i said "im not wearing one, they ugly, unattractive and i dont want to feel that crippled so soon"
he said "if i had cancer and lost all my hair, would you treat me differently?"
i said "well no"
he said "why?"
i said "well you cant help that"
he said "how is that any different from your problems? you cant help what you have but you can help yourself"
i silently thought on
he said "Im not going to love you any less, i love you for you, it wont make any less attracted to you or treat you different"
man he annoys me at times 
he can see stuff so differently
so i relented and said id look into a hip brace even if i only wore it for work

i got all my lessons prepped for tomorrow
and had shed loads to do today but got it all done
i swear ive done 2 hours of washing up today
i left early so i could get home to millie

i got home and sat with her
she gave me licks but she looked so tired
mum says shes hardly eaten

we took her vets
and we said how she wasnt really eating or passing food and how unhappy she was
and the vet said as she hadnt responded to the medication it must be that she hasnt got kidney stones and its more likely to be a mass or tumour. he weighed her and she had lost 120g in week! she was only 900g to start (my smallest pig to date) so she'd lost a lot of weight
we said we'd like to put her to sleep which the vet agreed was kindest option
we waited
and he came out and said after he had put her to sleep - and her body relaxed
a lot of blood came out her bum. he said we had chosen the right decision
as hard as it was
i didnt cry
i knew what had to be done and i was just numb to the whole thing
my beloved millie
who has been a total total pleasure to know
such a gentle soul
she loved my rabbits and would always lick me and no one but me
always get alone with other pigs and just look like shes smiling
just a lovely lovely pig
and i connected with her the moment i saw her 4 years ago
thank you millie
you will be sadly missed
we loved you dearly and so did alice oz and molly

i came home and managed some food and went for a walk in the woods
even if it was dusk i needed to get out
then i came back and went for a spin in my brothers new car
country lanes in the dark at 80mph
wooo XD

tomorrow is school and same old really

i leave you with many precious pictures of my millie~~ 

my poor minnie

evening

i didnt sleep well
was in pain and dreaming of being in pain
but that is night one done of less pain killers
i woke up for work at 5:30am
couldnt wait to get up so i got a bit earlier
Oz still greeted me with licks

school was busy to say the least
thought it was gonna be quieter today
i got praised by head of science for the displays
and even art - that faces science in the corridors - has started doing it's displays
saying "we cant be out done by science"
but mine are loads better XD
i got a txt from mum at lunch saying millie really wasnt well...
i felt sick
i knew the conversation we'd be having when i got home...

jack was a bit stressy today
i tried not to let it bother me but sometimes i had to point out to him
that i wasnt stupid
sometimes the things he says or points out i have say "yeah i know" or "im not an idiot"
but i find he talks to me like that when hes stressed
he said he'd missed me over the weekend
but i couldnt bring myself to tell him id missed him
as it would have been a lie
i told him i missed his snorlax plush to cuddle
at the end of the day he walked out with me and  i said
"i need something to look forward to, we need to book to go somewhere during october half term" as we didnt actually go anywhere during summer
he just replied "yeah...i need to book that night out with friends in manchester"
so he skipped straight from us going somewhere, to a night out with his friends cus his mum brought him a games room voucher for his birthday that needs using by november
i guess it hurt a bit i walked off to my car

i got home and my mum told me whats what with millikins
shes bleeding worse, she weighs next to nothing, her eyes are sunken in and she just looks sick and boney 
so we came to conclusion that we've tried for her. and at tomorrow's appointment at 4:45pm we will have her put to sleep. its kindest thing to do. shes not happy
i sat with her, i laid down with her and she gave me her usual guinea kisses - something shes done from day 1. even after how crap she must be feeling she still gives affection as thats just the lovely soul millie is. im gutted. i know you shouldnt have favourites but millie has been my favourite piggie by far. 
i told jack and he says i can leave work early so i can go with mum to the vets
as i want to be there for both mum and millie
i just cant believe i have that to go through tomorrow
im not gonna want to come home after work

i depressed myself further by googling something the doctor suggested to me
basically hip braces
i googled it
and after staring at it for a few minutes
i left for my room and cried
theyre ugly, and everyone wearing them in the photos were old and retired 
how does that make me feel at 27? having to maybe wear something that old people wear because my body is deteriorating quicker than i thought it would
i dont want to wear them, certainly not yet
it makes me wonder why i continue to fight
why do i go on, why fight it, when im getting worse no matter what i do for myself?
will i have a shorter life span than my friends? will i even want to be alive come 40?
i just feel im dying, faster than everyone around me. everyone around me does nothing for their bodies, no one exercises religiously or takes medication. each day is so easy on them compared to me. i have to fight everyday
everyday for nine years
and where is it getting me?
bloody hip braces and a life of pain
i just want to take a load of pain relief 
not to die
but so im numb
i dont want to feel
when will i lose the will to fight?

as you can probably tell
not in the best of mind frames right now
i think ive been blanking how ive really been feeling and its all just piled down on me
i'll be alright
i dont want tomorrow's vet appt to come tho
poor minnie
molly will be alone as well... 

day of art

Konbanwa~~

I spent my evening with Oz the sofa
he was happily falling asleep
i took him to bed and pretty much went to bed myself 
i was tired

i woke up at midnight tho
aching
took a while to get back off to sleep but some how i achieved it
and didnt hear my brother come in with his girlfriend at 2am

i got up at 8am this morning
did my pet duties
then went for a walk in the woods
i did a little bit of dancing but felt too tired to do much
so went for a shower

cleaned up downstairs ready for mum and dad to come home
then i went to bed because i could XD
i got up and began my picture
didnt take long to draw out, but painting is taking a while
i forget the limitations of traditional art as opposed to digital art
but its kept me quiet and occupied 
not sure where the idea came from it just popped into my head

the katakana says "tick tock" 
i will probably get it finished next weekend

mum and dad came home
mum had brought me a cake
its sooooo sweet, i will finish it before bed XD
i told mum about millie
although millie seems to be eating a bit better today
shes still weeing blood tho...
just keep an eye on her and make sure she doesnt suffer

i decided not to see jack today
he asked if i wanted to go out for lunch
but in all honesty i jusst couldnt be bothered
i just wanted to please myself this weekend and do what i want to do
so i stayed at home
i think hes ok with it but i wont get away with another weekend alone for a while XD
ill see him at work tomorrow
its weird but usually i really want to see him but i havent really missed him this weekend
i havent missed anyone
usually i miss my mum when she goes away
ether ive been fine keeping myself busy or ive been blanking my emotions
that dead cat this week, i felt nothing for it, or for the family that mourned for it
maybe im dissociating myself again
it is hard to cope being in pain and coming off medication
i shouldnt blank myself off from the world tho
i need to try harder
speaking of medication i drop another one tonight....
im already aching but i swear its in my head, its probably the stress and thought of being on less medication and in more pain
but i want to try

tomorrow i have school
i plan to wear my new school trousers and twin tails X3

Molly Plush

Evening

I woke up at 7am by the sound of my stomach making awful noises
god knows whats up with that
but ether way i had to get up as i ached

so i got dressed and had breakfast then at 8am i went for a walk round the woods
it was nice as no one was around
i came home and found my brother and his girlfriend up and awake
so i talked with them a bit then i did some dancing
then had a shower

went on my laptop and was pretty much putting off the fact that
i had a guinea pig plush to make
it may seem an easy task but it involved me getting my old sewing machine out
the hoover out 
because faux fur is very very messy
i dont like using my good sewing machine for it as it gets clogged with fur
and the hoover is there for all the fur that comes away from cutting the guinea pig out
so i went to sleep for an hour XD

i had lunch - my second bowl of cereal of the day
then i got on with the guinea pig
was much quicker than i thought it'd be
so here we have the plush version of Molly

it just looks like a furry black blob! 
it is shaped but yeah the whole one colour thing doesnt do it any favours
but i now have a present for mum at xmas time as she doesnt know ive made it
i cant make it when shes around as she can tell what im doing when she sees faux fur and hoover

i sat and watched a comedy series til my brother left for the evening
him and his girlfriend have gone out to the city centre for someones birthday
drinking night out kinda thing
so i wont see him now til tomorrow morning when he awakes
so im home alone!
when he left i didnt want to be stuck in the house alone from 4pm
so i went for a walk down the river which was nice and peaceful
then i went round TK MAXX got some slippers and some school trousers 
i came back and did my dinner
two days straight of leftovers!

ive been making sure the pets have been ok
given millie her meds and sat with her
i dont think shes eaten a great deal today...ive given her every option of food i can
i just hope something took her fancy and molly hasnt just gorged herself
i hope she pulls through all this but shes not looking well at times
Oz has been out a lot today i dare not look at the condition of mums plants...

i have an idea for a piece of art work i want to do
but not sure on what media to use for it as of yet
i hope to start it ether tonight or tomorrow

think jack wanted to meet up today but he wouldnt come to me and i couldnt be arsed to go over to his so i pleased myself today
dont think i will see him tomorrow ether as i want to dance and do art
and why should i always be the one to make the effort 
i cant be bothered to be honest
ive quite enjoyed just pleasing myself this weekend and not being disturbed by anything or anyone
i will make up for it next weekend and spend time with him then

better day of biology success

otsukararesama deshita~~

i've been awake since 5:30am
what a long day....
anyway my morning was normal but knew mum and dad wouldnt be home
when i got back from school :/

school
it was a better day, no break downs
so busy tho
truly so busy -____-
luke had his first A-level practical to do
i had soooo much to prep for that it was untrue 
i also had the other classes to contend with who were doing practicals
with ether microscopes or food or both!
i had to make up a 'running solvent' - yeah god knows what that is or does!
it was made of 3 very flammable and volatile chemicals
cyclohexane, proponone, petroleum ether
so i had to do it carefully and was only allowed to store it away upstairs
in a spark-proof fridge
yeah complex stuff
i was told that the A-level practicals havent worked for years so if it screws up to not sweat over it, but today they worked!! i was thanked by luke and head of biology
finally praise from her instead of negativity 
yeah it was smiles all round at the end of the day
there was so much clearing up for me at the end of the day that come 3:30 i left it all and went home, its all soaking in a washing up bowl XD
ive done enough sodding washing up today damn it

i got home and i sat outside with Oz and the girls having a brew in the sun
then i did some dancing 
then a shower
and i sat and watched a comedy series for a bit 
did my dinner, did some yoga, talked with brother and his girlfriend
sat with Oz watching tv but soon grew bored of that
tv is very dull

millie has lost weight she feels so small and light
but shes eating and its passing through her so im unsure why shes losing weight
mum i could tell didnt want to leave her or me for that matter

tomorrow
not sure what im doing tomorrow
i know i do have a toy guinea pig to make for mum for christmas
its the only time i can do it is when shes away as it takes a few hours
and makes such a mess with the fur and such 
so i do have that to do
might dance as well
and not sure what else
i still have stuff on my laptops to sort
jack was on about meeting up but we never confirmed anything 
so who knows really 
see how the day takes me