Heart in fridge

Evening

I only took my recommended dose of 75mg of pain killer last night
i laid there for 3 hours unable to sleep because of sheer pain
in the end i got up and sat with the tens machine
and went to bed at 12:30am
had a restless night and been awake since 5am
im so tired!

work was soooo boring
and it hasnt stopped raining all day
places are flooded 
so it was boring, dismal and depressing
i thought i was gonna have a busy day! turned out to be slow and easy
i mean i shouldnt complain but then i like to be busy
it passes the day

jack asked me yesterday if id stay over on wednesday
and in all honesty i didnt want to
but today he told me hes gonna cook dinner and stuff
and that its just the two of us as theo is back home with his mum
and jack was gonna see his mum tonight so he'd be free for wednesday
so i kinda felt like he was trying
and damn right he should too
so i feel i should maybe give him the chance to redeem himself
i just cant be arsed!
i will go over tho it will be alright i know it will
and be nice just the two of us

i went and fetched the heart after school
so i got to leave school early! result!
its in the fridge, in replacement of the maggots XD

i got home and did some dancing
i was sweating and very tired but i have to do these things
i left my sweaty jogging bottoms on my bedroom floor and later told mum a full description of them to which she was not impressed and said and i quote "i brought you up better than this" i put them in the wash bin, i only did it to annoy her

been getting stuff ready to sleep over to jack's
im so tired ive probably forgotten something but who cares
gone past the stage of caring

the few people ive told that ive overdosed
made a real big deal of it
and i kinda understand the reaction
but in a way i feel its an over reaction
or have i become detached?
i never once thought my life or health was at risk i just knew i could handle it and id be out of pain and even if things took a turn for the worse
it would be worth it
last night during the night i had so many self harm thoughts
i do worry for the day im not strong enough to fight them off and i go through with it
which is why today i made an appointment to see the doctor
but they cant get me in for another week surprise surprise

anyway tomorrow is a boring day at work
i have to get the tonne of stuff ready for A-level open evening tomorrow night
which will give me something to do
dont really want to handle the dead rat....and they best get rid of all the blood and heart and rat 
i am NOT cleaning that thursday morning

so i will go straight to jack's and spend the night with him
were gonna watch an anime dvd i brought "summer wars" we both havent seen it

i do plan on taking 150mg tonight tho
which is a dose i was once prescribed so i know i can do it safely
i told jack that i cant keep taking so much as i'll burn through my prescription
and he says "youre more bothered about running out of medication than you are about your own health and what youre doing with yourself."
he has been on my case about it