4 guineas done

Evening

I didnt sleep great
think I had a lot on my mind
I got up at 8am and beat mum up so I got to get the girls out X3
i ended up letting them play outside it was wet out but warm
surprisingly warm
so i got dressed and went for a walk then washed my car
as it was filthy 
then i showered

i continued on with sewing the guinea pigs
then i laid on my bed
and cried
cried for about 3 hours....
til i had puffy eye lids, red eyes and a sore face
got everything off my chest to mum really
she listened bless her
told her how ive talked loads about moving out next year how im actually gonna do it, if i talked about it enough and convinced myself - that id actually do it
despite all the people who think i cant
but the reality is i cant move out next year
the reality is im still not well enough to take care of myself
the reality is im still a child having everything done for me
so  i was upset about that
how i'll be 28 next year
all my friends have moved out years ago and are engaged
and im...still at home
life continues to repeat it's self
i work, i come home and exercise, i eat dinner, i sit with oz, i go to bed x5 days
weekend i just about manage to do something 'normal' and live my life
all the time suffering with pain and fatigue 
and i dont know if jack is the right one to be with ether
as much as i enjoy his company
he by far doesnt pull his weight in the relationship
he says he will do things and doesnt do them
he only does the stuff that matters to him
i dont think he intends to be selfish but he just doesnt think
mum doesnt think hes up to the task of 'looking after me' 
she wants me to talk it out with him tho and try and work it out as she thinks hes worth that much
so yeah i cried a lot and mainly about life
life that i know could be worse, but difficult and hard all the same
i wanted to end it
i wanted to overdose and not wake up
sometimes i convince myself that that option is better on myself and everyone

 i know i have jack to talk to about this but im not sure when i will talk about it
as i obviously cant talk about it at work but i dont want to spend time with him ether
hes totally ditched me lately for games and other things
and i think 'why should i come second best' so he can sod it
and im not seeing him over christmas he can forget that one
as thats more running around as usual for me
he never runs round after me


i laid on my bed and fell into a fitful sleep about my granny
about how she was dead and stuff
i woke up and realised i hadnt had any of medication.
medication i usually take at 7am and it was 3pm
so that has probably not helped things today
its not like me to not have my meds
but i didnt have breakfast ether i just got dressed and went for a walk
i sat with mum and oz and had a brew 
then went to finish 4 guineas! good feeling to get 4 done anyway

im so tired
i laid with cucumber on my eyes and a face sheet to try revive my eyes and skin
cus it all stung
not sure what i will do with my remaining hours of freedom before the work grind starts

just school tomorrow
i plan on saying something to head of science about how head of biology talks to me
she aint getting away with fridays behaviour