changed lolita girl

Evening~

Woke up loads last night
not sure why just did, a lot of the time its just to get comfy again
annoying

this morning my parents went out at 8:30am to do the weekly shop
so i sat alone in the living room watching a program mum suggested i watch
paul hollywood eats japan
it was quite good actually and when the next episode airs i will watch it
my brother watched the last half hour with me actually
then I did some yoga for a good half hour

went and played my switch in bed
i literally do a level at a time so i dont play for long like 20mins? if that
then i got to go for a walk with mum as it was predicted rain for the rest of the day
and im glad we got out when it did

i came back and had a shower then lunch
i painted my nails, theyre a cute gradient
then i fell asleep for an hour
i woke up to the door bell
it was my blanket i want to make my jacket from :3 

i sat doing some of snorlax cross stitch but i wasnt really feeling it 
i am on the last colour now tho
its just his biggest part - face and belly XD
i did 20mins of dancing but stopped as i was sweaty and didnt want another shower

after dinner i spoke to jack
im seeing him at the weekend and i hope he trims his beard or else i aint going near him
looks thick and itchy >< i told him that XD
we talked what we would do over the weekend and what meals we would eat
looking forward to a change of scenery it just wont come quick enough!
then i continued with my drawing
i havent done it for days as i wasnt happy with her outfit, but knew if i changed her outfit i would have to change colour schemes but i stuck with it and changed her
shes much cuter now

thats what we are gonna go with i think, the last one wasnt very good

tomorrow
probably exercise, and start my jacket, i can do snorlax cross stitch whenever
chris got back to me and he is sending me work shortly so i have got to make the most of freedom
and i will probably get my stuff ready to take to jack's
as he says i can go over at 11am saturday morning
after we have both done our workouts XD

Pokemon Cross stitch!

Evening~

I got off to sleep so fast last night
but woke myself up at 11:45pm by dreaming I was a wolf, in a fight with another wolf, i went to bite the throat of the other wolf - the killing blow i guess ^^"
and i woke myself up by clamping my teeth together really hard
thank god my tongue wasnt between my teeth....dear god that would have been awful
but it left me awake and sweating >.>
i got up for a wee and a stretch and went back to bed and got off to sleep
strangely 

this morning me and mum went out for a quick walk 
it had rained all day yesterday but wasnt raining this morning
when we got back we cleaned pets out and good job too as it slung it down for hours afterwards!
i did 30 mins of yoga and felt so much better for a stretch 
i hadnt been doing any yoga due to my hands being so bruised from clay making on sunday
but theyre doing a lot better today ^^
then i went for a shower

i got my green frame in the post today ^^
so i started on bulbasaur and got him finished
ta-da~~~

they look good right :3 im pleased with them
i played disgaea in bed and read in bed fell asleep in bed
spent quite a few hours in my bed today
it was pouring down out there

i didnt have any work today
i even emailed chris - cus jack told me to - to see if he has any work for me
i feel bad not doing anything but i have an idea of some work i could maybe do
but i might run it by jack this weekend

after dinner i sat with my brother watching an artist on his ipad
we were both amazed
wish i had painting skill...
then as it had stopped raining and the sun was out, i went for a 20min walk by myself
cus i felt i needed the air 
i came back and gonna sit with Oz and stuff
feels like it has been a really long day today
like i have done 2 days in 1

didnt get snorlax finished im on his tummy and face and paws....but no rush
probably get it finished tomorrow
i havent done anymore drawing ether
i need to tho

my brother has asked if i will cut his hair...due to none of us being able to get a hair cut

tomorrow I will do snorlax and drawing
unless stuff to make my jacket comes
as i received the ribbon today
just need the blanket and i could get started! you watch that will be the last thing to arrive XD

brother is home

Evening~~

I didnt sleep well
ended up getting up at 1:45am as I just felt so sick and kept bringing up bile
i went downstairs for a biscuit and hot chocolate which did help a bit
went back to bed 2:30am and probably took me half hour to actually sleep
woke up at 9am not wanting to get up really

me and mum went for a walk in the drizzle
felt good to get out as i was a bit stiff this morning
i came back and my brother came back about 10mins later
so we talked to him a little bit
then i did half hour of dance and felt better for doing that but i was so sweaty
had a shower and played on my switch in bed for a bit whilst cuddling flump
speaking of which jack said he got the picture i drew of the girl in the pumpkin bikini
said it made him laugh and smile so it did its job :) 
wonder if i will do any more pictures for him
i later fell asleep with flump
i woke up and 10mins later i had my telephone appointment with the pain clinic
ugh
we spoke about how stuff has been and what my life was like before the lock down
as last time i had an appointment was november
i told her how i was feeling and stuff and she said it was understandable and she gave me stuff to do and work on. she asked about my medication and i was honest with her, she told me off for overdosing and i got the whole thing about it not being good for my stomach and can give me liver function problems etc i listened and i will try and behave

my hot chocolate came in the post today its a bloody beast im well impressed
i sent a photo of it to jack he said it looked well good
well got my money's worth there i have to say

its rained pretty much all day
so pets have been inside but i did boot Oz out for 10mins this evening for a wee and stretch
as when i sit with him on the sofa during the day
he literally sit, licks me, grooms himself, sits a bit more. and he gets stiff XD

i made a template for my jacket and sorted out a few bits for it from my stashes 
i caught up with my brother which lead to a few play fights which was nice XD
i think he is happy to be home, he did come home a lil upset as he didnt want to leave her
bless him he really loves his girlfriend X3

i worked on my snorlax cross stitch some more
its coming along alright
watched another keyakizaka46 live 
so done a fair bit today
oh and i was able to check my work email today as well - i felt strong enough to do that
not that i had anything of importance on there!

tonight i need to do my physio exercises >.> damn it
really cant be arsed but its been a few days so i should do it!
oh and last night i finished a dance and started another one
id like to have a recap tonight if i have any energy left over
but im pretty knackered to be honest!

tomorrow probably snorlax cross stitch, clean Oz out, do anything else i wanna do
havent done any drawing for a few days cus i have been doing other bits instead so i guess i could do that if i wanted to

designed my 2020 jacket

Evening~~

I got a few hours of sleep last night
kept waking up to get comfy again >.>

this morning I went for a walk with mum
same old really
it was so much cooler today tho

i got back and went to bed, i was in pain and tired and its what i felt like doing really
when i got up i had my lunch
i wasnt in the mood for a shower but motivated me XD
i did feel better for having a shower

i sat and designed my jacket so i could order my bits and pieces for it
which was my next job on ebay
i spent £17 which is probably £5 more than i usually spend when it
comes to making jackets, but its because im having to buy online instead of shops :/
i should be grateful i can even get stuff

after that i took photos of snorlax
i then put another keyakizaka46 concert on whilst i did some of the snorlax cross stitch
i have half hour left on the concert so i will watch that tomorrow whilst cross stitching
ive done the outline of snorlax and the claws thats it
should be good when its done tho

i told jack i was struggling and that sometimes i cant even open my emails and stuff
he rang me up which was nice
and i felt lighter after i had spoken to him
i told him im a bit crazy half the time and that i feel close to breaking point
even after i confessed that i could feel my voice breaking
i wasnt prepared to talk anymore about it as i would have cried
and i refused to cry
so i talked about something else

tonight might do a bit of dancing
lately i have struggled to learn dances, like its just not happening but i think its my mind set at the moment but i will keep trying

we heard from my brother today 
he says hes ready to come home, he went over to his girlfriends family home on tuesday
so hes almost had a week there now
we think he will come home tomorrow or wednesday
place your bets XD
im going over to jack's this weekend :) 

tomorrow 
probably exercise, snorlax cross stitch and anything else
havent done any digital drawing for a few days now

baby blanket done

Evening

I got about 4 hours sleep last night
was tired, achy and very noisy in my head!
I got up at 7:30am as I had had enough of being in bed I needed out!

I got up and did 45mins of yoga
my body felt so stiff for some reason
i had breakfast
then went into my room for a bit
i was putting off the day i know i was
mum said she was taking dad out for a walk and to go do some dancing whilst she was out
she was right but i found it hard to motivate myself
i did however and achieved 30mins of dancing, i was sweaty and it was a real effort i have to say
i went for a shower
i was also putting off making the snorlax from clay i said i was going to do today
i think i did every other job but actually get started on it!

in the end i stopped putting off the day
and sat for 5 hours (with a few breaks) and made a snorlax from clay
he must weigh about 500g and about £20 worth of clay
he is a beast
no other word for it
i am pleased with it i guess especially as its probably been the hardest and most ambitious thing i have made with clay to date
i will photograph it tomorrow
in the mean time here is photo of the baby blanket i finished~

i spoke to jack
it was good to speak to him
he is on day 3 of doing exercises and he says he hurts XD finally knows what exercises is and the pain that follows bless him
good to speak to him
seeing him next saturday which should be good
he is missing me
i told i havent had any work through yet, he threatened to give me some >.>
i told him i wouldnt come over if he gave me homework XD

i ordered some hot chocolate online as i have got a shortage going off and i like it in the middle of the night, but the shop wont be open for some time cus of the virus so i ordered online, i didnt get quite what i wanted and was a little bit more money but hey if it helps
then mum said "you do realise there was a tub of it at the back of the cupboard?"...
no i did not, past Jo had stocked up and i had forgotten! but still it will get drank
whittards hot chocolate is amazing, i dont settle for less

i looked for jackets on the internet too
as i am gonna sell the ones i made which will leave me with no homemade jacket
i have got a design in mind but none of the stuff in
so i will need to sit down tomorrow and fully design it and order what i need
i want a red and black jacket
i just cant switch off its gone past 8pm and my head says to design but i need chill out time
so i will go chill out with Oz and my switch 
god i hope i sleep tonight im so god damn tired

tomorrow i have my cross stitch to do
i was gonna go post office but turns out it is shut tomorrow
i will design and order
take photos of snorlax 
and exercise

galaxy nails and finished baby blanket

Evening

I slept in my bed again and got off around 1am
woke up at 8am covered in sweat dreaming of becoming a wolf and
tearing a room full of people apart...ugh my head at times


i cleaned Oz out this morning
then went for like an hour's long walk with mum, up and down hills
my legs ached from an hour of yoga yesterday so they were aching today walking up and down hills but it was nice, was soon warming up tho
i came back and got comfy on my bed and shouted mum if she would throw a blanket on me
if i get comfy its very very very rare so i never want to move cus i want to disturb the moment of less-pain. mum understands this. she threw a blanket on me and i fell into a very deep sleep
mum said neighbours were out, people using lawn mowers, door bell rang, she came in my room with molly, nothing woke me. really odd considering i sleep incredibly light usually

i got up and went for a shower
then i finished the baby blanket it didnt take too much doing actually
then i was trying to work out a snorlax cross stitch for the hoop i ordered thats too big
decided to do snorlax but finding a design that will fit in the hoop has been hard
in the end i printed off a sprite of snorlax and drew a grid over the top of it
it just fits >< but hopefully it will work
ive made a bit of a start on it

ive played my switch
and sat with Oz and the girls, he groomed molly this time
molly is getting better with him whereas at first she literally used to chase him off

i might try working on a dance tonight
i wanted to work on it earlier but my parents were sat in the garden and have prime view of my bedroom and living room and i didnt want to be on show learning a dance XD



tomorrow i would like to make the snorlax clay
however i am not feeling particularly brave and confident with it
but if i take my time maybe it will turn out ok?
gonna take a long while thats for sure

my galaxy nails this week

which have all chipped now sadly
but if i use clay tomorrow they will look even worse
clay sucks off nail varnish for some reason

Flump's pumpkin girl

Evening

I tried to sleep last night
got up for a wee at 1am and climbed into my bed and tried to sleep
and i did get off around 1:30am and i remained IN my bed as opposed to ON it
like I have been the last several nights
got up at 8:30am

this morning i went to pet shop with mum, but i waited in the car
seeing as the pet shop was close to a park we walked round it
which made a change as we have been walking the same routes for weeks!
we walked for 40mins

i came back and had a brew
then i did an hour of yoga with my physio exercises
i was shaking and sweating afterwards
jack said he managed to do his weight work out, so hes doing well
but said theo killed him off XD
i went for a shower

after my shower i sat colouring in the bikini girl from yesterday
so she is finished

i wrote note with it saying "i caught flump trying to pin this to my wall. this is evidence"
im sure jack will laugh at it
only him will understand the joke
i swear our plushies have a mind of their own now
we have given them actual personalities and stuff
mum said it was good
later on i took a 20min walk and posted it to jack
he doesnt know i have done him anything
he should get it start of next week at a guess

i played on my switch a few times
i also had a stab at the baby blanket
it just needs quilting then its finished :) shouldnt take me too long

dad is home saturday and sunday ugh
how unfortunate 
so thats me staying well out the way this weekend
i cant cope with him right
to be honest i cant cope with much full stop
like i feel it wouldnt take much to make me cry or angry
prehaps im reaching breaking point?
due a cry maybe? i know i am bottling my emotions and feelings
we shall see

i have been watching jpop videos mainly keyakizaka46
i love the lyrics to 'eccentric' 
one like 'kawarimono de ii' - i am fine being strange
its a good song but i mainly enjoy:

Mou Mori He Kaerou ka? and fukyouwaon and silent majority and hiraishin

i was doing some research into dances, as i have a few i want to learn but when i try my heart isnt in it which means - it is not the time to learn those particular dances. so i researched hard into the one i do want to learn its by Monogatari and its called Monogatari. But there is no clear video of the dance and its a fast one at that. so i havent learned it in the past just cus ive struggled for videos to learn from but i have amassed a few and i hope i can learn from them - its just no easy learning this way. but i want to try as i can tell this is the one my heart wants to learn!

that will be something i work on tomorrow as its 8:30pm and im tired. plus i need something to work on over the weekend in my room!

tomorrow i will probably finish off the baby blanket
do some drawing maybe
i havent really been doing a lot on the drawing front, just bits and pieces
but there isnt any rush with it anyway
and i dont like sitting there for ages working on it unless i have to

thats all really

Pumpkin girl

Evening~~

Last night mum asked me why I had written "baked beans" on her shopping list
i hadn't as i knew we had a load of beans in
but when i looked...there was my hand writing
i have no memory of this at all
i think i am slowly cracking
i have been answering and talking to my mum and brother and not knowing
and now im writing stuff as well apparently
i know im stressed but yeah this is getting weird
psychosis is a strange illness
the wolf is literally at the door

Took me til 1:30am to sleep
I was restless and went to bed at like 9:15pm
for some reason i had even less reason to tolerate my dad's presence so i just went out the way
i woke up at 7:30am

this morning my mum went shopping and dragged dad with her this was 8:40am
so I decided that even tho i had only been awake an hour that i would dance
that way i can have the living room and have it as loud as i wanted
i was there a whole hour
i was a dripping hot mess!!! i had done 45mins dancing and 15mins yoga
god i was hot so dived straight into the shower 

i came out and mum and dad came back i helped unpack the food
then i began making my soup for the week
turned out alright actually so i had that for lunch
then ended up falling asleep on my bed afterwards
wasnt that tired but i was aching from dancing so much

when i got up the postman had been
my green frame for bulbasaur had come but sadly its half an inch too big
i had measured the outer ring not the inner one - i had no idea how they were measured
luckily they are only £2.50 but its annoying i have to wait for another ring now
as i have ordered the one i do believe is correct

i wasnt in the mood to do anything much creative today
just wasnt feeling it
jack rang spoke to him for a bit
i think he did most of the talking i didnt really have anything to say
he seems ok and is doing weight training with theo's weights 
as hes worried he will grow fat, lazy and even more unfit
i think cus he leaves the house once a day for a walk and thats it
but i cant say im doing much more really
i guess dancing hard is good for cardio and yoga is good for strength
so in that respect i am doing my body a better service than jack is doing for his
see how long he keeps it up
hes missing me
its bank holiday next weekend which means dad wont be at work on monday
its like hell for me
so i asked jack if i can stay over next weekend and he says it was fine
so it would have been 3 weeks again before we would have met up
seeing each other just twice in 6 weeks is hardly anything

after my video call with jack, mum wanted to know if i would go a walk with her
it was plenty hot out but i thought id go with her
we did a good route around the forest
so i think ive done almost 2 hours worth of exercise today

i played on my switch before food
then after dinner i got to work drawing a picture for jack
its a joke picture

im gonna say i caught Flump pinning it to my wall XD
i think he will laugh
i need to colour it in and get it sent off
he wont be expecting it XD
not to my usual taste i have to say, but its good to draw different things sometimes isnt it
the pen drawing took me 30mins
i will take my time colouring in
i showed mum she laughed and said she wouldnt be surprised if jack pinned it up somewhere in his flat XD

might do a bit of digital drawing tonight
then go down for my Ozwald

done charmander

Evening

I am so damn tired -___-
had a real rough night
couldnt sleep i ached and i felt sick
i did get up at 1am for a bit, couldnt take anymore pain relief as i felt like id actually be sick. i ate some cereal to try and help the sickness it didnt work >.>
i went to bed around 2ish and i was just drifting off when i heard someone on the street behind me holding down their car horn and i thought "what arse hole does that at 2am"
that was nothing cus then what followed was some sort of domestic
a woman screaming and shouting - i couldnt tell what i dont think she even knew what she was saying. a man yelling his F words left right and centre
i mean who does this? pulls up at 2am and has it out in the middle of the street?
such selfishness
it stirred me up really so it passed 3am by time i could actually settle
it left me thinking "i hope i never have to experience such things. why cant people just talk it out?"
i woke up at 8am, like death

went for a walk with mum this morning which was nice as we did a long route round the woods
i came back and did 20mins of dancing, i was sweating like mad
i went for a shower and apilated my legs again but this time wasnt as much hair XD

when i came out i started doing a bit more of charmander then ended up doing charmander
here he is with squirtle

ive played on my switch a few times today
sat with my lad
cleaned Oz out as well to which he helped of course
checked my work email but there was nothing there for me

sorted a few things on my ipod
and read on my bed
nothing much really
im so tired tho and ready to fall asleep

think jack wants to talk to me 
im so tired tho but i will talk to him for a bit i guess
dont think he's doing a lot with himself
i know hes having take away tonight and gaming online with theo and harvey
so the usual really there 

tomorrow
i want to do bulbasaur but i havent got the green frame as of yet :/ 
i dont want to do it without the frame really
it can wait
i have a baby blanket i can finish off so i might sit and do that

done squirtle

Konbanwa

I knew I couldnt sleep last night
so I got up at 11:45pm and stayed up til almost 1am
just had some cereal and  hot chocolate as i felt a bit sick and off
and thats when i worked out i had had 150mg again...
need to stop doing that -____- but its so easy to do when youre in pain
i woke up at 7:30am but went to sleep for another hour

I went for a walk with mum this morning for about 40mins
then came back and did 50mins of yoga
my body was shaking after all that exercise!
i had a shower then sat working on my cross stitch
i sat doing it in front of keyakizaka46 arena 2019 tour 
an i got squirtle done and the outline on charmander done

cute isnt it, considering the frame is only 3 inches

jack txted and said he had received my doodle ^^
he really liked it and said it had made his week :) 
so it was worth doing
thought we were gonna talk today but we havent 

my brother left for his girlfriend's family house today :(
hes gone for a whole week just for a change of scenery he says
i will miss him a lot i know i will
and means i will be eating my dinners by myself for a week ><
but if it makes him happy then so be it
jack has said i can go over to his but im ok at the moment
im only gonna go over if i am really struggling
although from sounds of it he would quite like me over

tonight i would like to work on some dancing
and maybe do a bit of drawing
i have really bad back ache tho so im not sure how things will go just yet
what will be comfiest to do kinda thing

tomorrow i might do some dancing and sweat it out
probably go a walk with mum as i know she likes doing that with me
do some cross stitch pokemon, drawing and anything else i wanna do i guess

No work luckily

Evening

I tried sleeping in my dressing gown on top of my bed last night
didnt work the other night but worked last night
took me til after midnight and few swipes at my face but finally got to sleep
i felt sore from running this morning and my face felt dry and sore from scratching it in a half sleep state - something i do when im unhappy and stressed and do without thinking -____-

This morning i went for a good walk with mum which was nice
then i came back and had a brew with the lad then had a shower
had my lunch then went and checked my work emails
i rubbed in jack's face i had 26 emails and no work XD woohoo!
i went to bed after that i was in pain
extra pain relief had done very little and i didnt want to take anymore if i could help it
i was desperate for escape so that what i did

when i woke up
i began planning out my snorlax candle holder as the clay came today all 454g of it!
its a brick! never had so much clay in one chunk before
but i needs to be weighty to support a candle
i might start it tomorrow maybe? not sure yet
i need hours at it and have to it in one day otherwise clay goes off
its gonna be a birthday present for jack
thats if it isnt crap!

i had an idea in bed last night about doing some cross stitch for my would be house
so i planned that out
i have 3 inch frames and inside i will cross stitch 
red frame - charmander
blue frame - squirtle
green frame - bulbasaur
theyre gonna be so cute as the cross stitch of the pokemon will only be like an inch big X3

today we had to ring the vets up and report my molly's runny eye shes had for the last 3 days
the receptionist said they will request a photo of molly's eye then the vet will decide on whether molly needs to come in or if they will just prescribe something for her
given shes already had a runny eye i was kinda hoping we wouldnt have to take her in
luckily they didnt even request a photo! they rang up and said they would leave us some eye drops on the desk for us. so mum went down to collect them
she said people had to leave the pets on the door step and a member of staff came and collected them. how hard must that be! to not physically give them over but to leave them in a box at the door!
god i couldnt do that to Oz! mum said she watched a woman leave her puppy in the box!

also today was a little gusty but nothing major but blew the felting off the shed roof
so dad had some come home and nail that back on

i had truffle on the sofa with Oz today
he was grooming her and he licked her ear and she shudder and shut her eyes
one happy pig, he loves his guineas

i did 20mins of dancing tonight but i was making myself hot and bothered so i gave in
i did 20mins of yoga earlier in the day and a 50mins walk so i havent done bad today

im gonna paint my nails tonight
as i got too distracted with watching killing eve last night

heres how far i am, i didnt do any last night
and only 15mins tonight and i mostly sorted the layers out

first run 2020

Evening

couldnt sleep
was up til 3am just in pain and id had enough really
but i got up at 8am so didnt sleep too bad

i have done bugger all today
really unmotivated
tired, in pain, fed up
self destructive
the other day i took 150mg of codeine instead of the recommended 64mg
today i was trying to pierce my ear but gave up because it wasnt going anywhere not cus of the pain, the pain was welcomed 
i ached and ached
so decided to go for a run as i thought if that makes me ache then it cant make me feel any worse than what i already felt, was my reasoning

so i did a route that i used to do
i managed but did have to walk twice for a minute
as i literally couldnt breathe due to hayfever
i sounded like that penguin toy - weezy - from toy story 2
i sounded awful and my ribs and lungs hurt from trying to breathe
i came home and coughed and sounded like i was very heavy smoker
took a while for my lungs to feel ok, even after i could catch my breathe
i hate hayfever
my body ached after the run just from using different muscles i guess
but my knee joints hurt and i think running just isnt for me really
as much as i loved it like last year and the year before i just think its too damaging on my body and i already have bad joints and muscles, im making myself worse for no reason
so dancing and yoga it is :) it was nice going for a run but i didnt even enjoy it as much as i once did

i had a shower
and played on my switch in bed
laid in bed
zoned out in bed
just didnt want to involve myself in the world
i havent done anything
my brother says he is going ether tomorrow or tuesday to stay at his girlfriends family house for a couple of weeks
so im gonna find that hard and im dreading him going
im on the edge as it it, never mind losing him as well

i told jack i wasnt that happy with life
i spoke to him for 15mins 
he said i can come stay with him for a couple of days
he wasnt that impressed to find out i had been falling into my self destructive ways
and he said even if i just come over to sleep properly at night it would be something
as i do seem to sleep better a lot of the time with him there
i will see
if my brother goes and i go then my mum will be alone
with dad....

im sure tomorrow will be a better day
i will have to check my work emails and see if i have had any work come in from over easter
ugh i might actually have work to do....

tonight is the first episode of the 3rd season of killing eve
actually something i want to watch on tv! 
oh and i trimmed truffle today and did a really good job of her she looks so much better and tidier and even younger. she was much better behaved and yeah im pleased with her hair cut and so is mum :)

Pumpkin cushion

Evening all~~~~

my pumpkin cushion before i forget

I couldnt sleep - no surprise
but the sheer amount of pain  I was in last night, I felt like crying
even now i am not sure how it didnt break me
i stayed in bed til 2am til i was that tense and knotted up and stressed that i had to get up
and i stayed up til 4am, read in bed for half hour then tried to sleep
then i woke up at 7am dripping in sweat from having a nightmare...
sodding nightmares, i have so many when im unhappy and stressed
this one was about being in some abandoned warehouse, i could hear people and screaming so i searched and searched til i found the source. It was a long ramp where people were tied up like they were to be hung then rode down the ramp whilst being hung then at the bottom a blade met them where it finally ended their suffering by clieving their head clean off. The sounds, screams, blood, images it was horrible and i felt sick thinking "what if they find me??"
so i woke up and somehow i fell asleep which i think was due to exhaustion more than anything

this morning i did half hour of dancing, followed straight up with half hour of yoga
i was a dripping mess and in need of a shower
afterwards i went to bed really as i was shattered
i got up and had some food which was 2pm and my first meal of the day
then i went for my 45min walk so ive done almost 2 hours worth of exercises today

i sat outside with mum with a brew when i got back which was nice
then i spoke to jack for the first time in almost a week
it was good to see him and speak with him not that ether of us had much to say as were always in contact anyway.

afterwards i helped mum with the dinner as she had a bad headache and couldnt think straight
after dinner i did some drawing and i got pretty far

its looking cute :)

i have a couple more physio exercises to finish off then next i am gonna sit with Oz and then play my switch

tomorrow probably just drawing and exercise

First Love Letter

Evening~~

I couldnt sleep
I wasn't even tired weirdly
I stayed in bed til 1am tho and then I got up
I texted jack to see if he was still awake and he was, he couldnt sleep ether and he said he'd felt a bit down, which isnt like him to be honest.
So at 2am I was drawing and colouring in the picture to send to him X3 more determined to do it to cheer him up. It's not very good but I hope it will bring a smile to him

It gave me something different to do and a focus away from my pain
I went to bed at 3am >< 

I got up at 8:30am I felt rough
i had been good tho and not taken any extra pain relief last night
i have had some extra today however, just cus id had enough of suffering

This morning dad found his Clanger plush I had put on his desk at 1am
it was his birthday present from me and strangely i think he liked it...0.0
dad liking something...odd
clangers were from his childhood so maybe it brought happy memories? does dad know what happiness is? anyway~
so i felt good I had gotten into his good books

mum wanted to do a walk this morning so we did that, despite me feeling like utter death
I came back and did 15mins of dancing to try and loosen my joints but I cant say it helped
then I had a shower
went on my laptop a bit then went to bed i was shattered

when I got up I decided to write Jack a little note to go with the picture and i got it all ready to post, honestly this is our first love letter X3 im hoping he likes it. I went and walked to the post box and extended my walk a bit whilst I was out
then I came home and chilled out on the sofa with Oz, a brew and my switch
he sat dosing whilst i played disgaea,i am still playing disgaea5 would you believe. I havent finished it yet even tho I have done like 50 hours!

then I just went on my laptop for a bit really
going to work on my digital drawing as well tonight
might go play on my switch before dinner
who knows if i will sleep or not tonight
its hard being alone in pain downstairs whilst my family blissfully sleeps :/ 

not sure what i will do tomorrow
i havent got any crafts lined up as of yet :/