Crying so much over that damn house

 Evening

I havent been doing my diary, simply cus I have not had time to breathe!

my weekend once again was full on....I was so hoping to take a breather this weekend but no

Friday I stayed home

in the morning me and mum went to the shops to pick up numerous things for the house - surprise surprise - we came back and Jack came over for lunch 

then Jack, my brother, my dad went to go fetch a wardrobe from Luke and the rest of jack's stuff

they were gone for a while and then they went to the bungalow and unload. I didnt want to join in as I knew I wouldnt be able to help much or lift anything so i stayed home

we had food

and I stayed over at the bungalow, in the morning we finished off the stupid 2pt milk jack picked up - why he still picking up 2 pint milk like he is still at the flat i have no idea as theres both of us now. So it ran out and we started doing jobs round the house and then mum txted to say her and dad would be over between 10 and 10:30am

so we continued on and my parents came over, the guys were putting up curtain poles and dad wanted a coffee, i went to go and do them all drink, opened the fridge and yeahhh we have no milk

so my dad berated me in front of jack "how you suppose to run a family home when you cant even keep milk in? its pathetic. You need to sort yourself out"

well we hadnt been out yet that morning and also we havent actually done our first food shop yet ether. So its understandable right? mum went home and grabbed a milk and kindly gave it to me so we could have a brew. But i knew my dad was disappointed in me, heck he always is!

they finished up and chris gave me a txt to say he was heading over soon, so i went home and made jack some lunch all the time feeling like i was gonna collapse from sheer exhaustion, walked back over to the bungalow with lunch in hand. gave it jack and the door went, it was chris. so i politely sat and talked with them both, all the time just thinking about my bed and sleep and rest

in the end i left them too it. they were gonna look over at radiators and that.

i came home and slept

my parents had been to the shops, my mum said "ill get them a milk" my dad said "no they can get their own milk"

was this a punishment? spite? principle? it cant be money cus he knows id pay him back for the whole pound it would cost him. So of course it upset me as hes just such a horrible person. i feel hes only helping with the bungalow for something to do, literally

I got up and i walked to the shop, carrying 4 pints of milk and some bread to the bungalow, dropped it off, picked up 'dads milk' and brought it home

so after that

i cried, i sobbed, i cried.

i had had it.

done.

broken.

i couldnt see the point in continuing on anymore

i am getting no enjoyment out the house, its been one big slog and expense, i regret buying it at times. I cant see how i am ever going to be well enough to run a house and look after myself. i havent done anything creative or for myself for 3 weeks now. my dad hates me and always will. and yeah i cried in front of my brother, mum and jack

they all tried to help me feel better but i had to just let it out i think

i was exhausted plain and simple

mum told me to just go relax at the bungalow, she was so mad with dad as it was for his behaviour that i didnt want to be sat round in the atmosphere anyway

we got to the bungalow and jack made me a hot chocolate, i thanked him and then apologised for my outburst of crying. he told me not to apologise and calmly started talking about bungalow stuff to which i lost a few tears to. then i climbed into bed for 9pm.

this morning we got up and i was ok, just a bit tired.

i painted a few patches on the wall before school that i wanted to do at the weekend but ran out of time to do

got to school and julia asked how our weekend was and whilst i got on the subject and told her all that happened i was losing a few tears. im so fragile its untrue. its simply cus im so exhausted. i cant handle anything

during school, i had no practicals but still had lessons to prepare so i did that but i didnt hand anything out. jack did all the running around and i stayed in the prep room and office.

at the end of the day i didnt want to talk to anyone, look happy for others so the last hour i spent with the light off in the office and shut the door, making it look like no one was there, so i wouldnt be disturbed.

at home i fussed my Ozwald and sat with the girls too which was nice and mum had made cookies too. then me and jack ordered a new TV on cyber monday deals. 

he went home and he asked if i wanted to join him but i decided i needed to do something creative so i am gonna do my nails and fuss Oz and drink hot chocolate and screw everything else.

we have said that this week i need a calmer week and a weekend to recharge. i have scalp sensitivity/pain with a constant headache for over a week now. along with my ectopic heartbeat. both these caused by stress. i cant even tie my hair up anymore with out it feeling like someone is pulling my hair out my scalp. its painful. no cure ether. no skin problem ether like no redness. its simply stress.

so thats it now

bollocks to everyone this week, im at my limit now. i am becoming sick