Wednesday, 20 October 2021

Blue Hammington TT^TT

 Evening


My god the drama I have had in the last 24 hours....and all due to my own stupidity TT^TT

so last night was like any other night, we watched anime and went to bed. I decided to have a go with the new sleeping tablets I brought from the city centre - if they were good id save em for school nights kinda thing.

I struggled to get off to sleep as I hurt a bit from the massage, my body was feeling a bit battered. Jack was on his switch next to me like he has been last 2 weeks - enjoying pokemon mystery dungeon.

I did get off to sleep

I started having a nightmare. A nightmare of my other personality having a nightmare, growling and getting frustrated. I was trying to think where we had fallen asleep. Our bed, but its not at mum's any more, we live with Jack. Jack is next us. She suddenly felt even more determined to wake up and have her wicked way with him. Of course I did not want this to happen! So asked her not to. Then the dream went a bit weird and she was running through the woods at night bare foot like an animal. 

Next thing I knew Jack was waking me up, I couldnt breathe I pushed him away, coughing and panting. He said "you were having a nightmare" yeah I know that! But at least he woke me, thank god

I caught my breath but I was a bit shaken up and quite sweaty. I looked at the time - 12:20

thats it? all that happened in like 1 hour? 

but something wasnt right, I didnt feel right. Jack asked if I was ok. 

"no stuff doesnt feel right Jack"

he put the light on and said I looked white

it freaked me out more seeing the room lit up as colours didnt look right and the room felt a different size than it usually does. Jack said to get up for a bit as he could see I wasnt right and on the verge of tears. So I got up and lost my balance straight away so Jack helped me to the living room and got me a cold drink

"maybe it was those sleeping tablets?"

"yeah youre not having those again, theyre going straight in the bin"

"were you still awake?"

"yeah I was playing pokemon, got too into it"

"kinda glad you were still up"

my psychoticness calmed down a bit, but I still didnt feel right. Too many voices and being told that something weird was gonna walk round the corner and yeah my head was just messed up. I didnt tell Jack everything that was racing through my mind as I could tell her was already concerned about my behaviour. 

He asked what I wanted to do and that was could stay up til whenever I felt I wanted to sleep

"I want to go to bed cuddling you, and watching you play pokemon" I needed something safe and mundane. So thats what we did with Jack helping me walk to bed

I did fall asleep but had  vivid horrible dreams that involved more suffering and yeah just not nice

I woke up this morning and Jack was already awake

He asked how I was

"I still feel a bit off" and I did. Not only that, I was WET. Soaked. My clothes were damp, my hair semi-wet and I could feel wet patches on my body. Pure sweat....

I had a crakin' headache and felt off, weak and stuff. But no longer felt like a psychotic mess. But I was thinking 'just what the hell is in those sleeping tablets!?'

I got up for a wee and the first step I took I fell over onto the ottoman 

Jack shot up out of bed to come to my aid

I literally couldnt take one step in front of the other without help

he helped me to the bathroom and as I sat there having a wee I thought 'this cant be sleeping tablets, I have experienced this before'

I got off the toilet and crawled to my medication, Jack found me and he said "I could have got those for you"

"no Jack what I am looking for is my antidepressant"

and lo and behold, no antidepressant waiting to be taken.....

meaning when I sort my meds out in the evening for that night and following morning, I had not grabbed my antidepressant box so I had missed my dose last night

ONE DOSE

thats it 

this suddenly made sense

why I had the other personality kicking in, psychoticness, and why I couldnt walk straight

I remembered earlier this year I couldnt walk straight for a couple of days, thought I was poorly, but actually hadnt been taking my antidepressant.

so here we are again, because I hadnt taken my medication I got myself into a state....I was so annoyed and quickly downed my morning dose.

Jack got me to the sofa and sorted my breakfast out, hes so good with me even tho I didnt deserve any of it, its self inflicted! we agreed that those sleeping tablets probably arent worth taking and when I read the instructions leaflet inside this morning it says "DO NOT TAKE WITH ANY ANXIETY MEDICATION" yeah dont think theyre for me.

I felt so gross tho and was due to put on clean clothes, but also felt wiped out

I rested on the bed for an hour, got up and had a bath and used face and body scrub and got rid of my second skin.

Jack stripped the bed, luckily we change it on a wednesday!

he shouted through the bathroom to me

"Jo, youre not gonna be happy"

"why? what?"

"Its Hammington....."

"whats wrong with my hammington!!!?" sheer panic

"shes blue".......eh...what?

basically, the pyjamas I had on are black, I have washed them once so I guess they still contain a fair amount of their dye. I got soaked in the night due to sweating from withdrawal (withdrawal is a powerful thing to behold) and my pyjamas got wet, the dye transferred on to hammington. MY HAMMINGTON!!!!

When I got out the bath I inspected the damage

and my god, shes blue.....

Hammington is beige and white. Her whole back is a navy colour now TT^TT

I had lunch then mum came round to find me bathing Hammington in my bath tub

I explained and showed her and she was very surprised. I then had to go into the story of how my pyjamas got to wet that the dye transferred. 

So I tried using Vanish stuff on Hammington and whilst she does look cleaner and brighter (she was well overdue a wash) she is sadly still blue T^T

I have to accept her new look.

So my stupidity caused Jack stress and had to look after me and I have damaged a plush


I did pick up, especially after my second dose of antidepressant at lunch time

I spent my after noon with mum we did a walk and talked and had tea. She misses me

when she left at 4:30pm me and Jack did some more work on my maths for my biology and it is sinking in better this time

then we had dinner, I had my second bath of the day >.> and now doing diary. Quite tired actually

Jack is playing with theo til 10pm


Shows how much I need those tablets tho, like my god they keep me sane. How scary my mind is without medication....

but also I FEAR the day I have to come off those tablets. You literally cant walk. Lifting one leg then the supporting leg loses balances straight away. Its horrendous 

anyway not thinking about all that!


Sadly I dont have Hammington to cuddle tonight :'( she is soaking wet upstairs drying, as I will not put her in a washing machine or a tumble drier. No way. So shes got to air dry which is gonna take several days. shes a chonky hamster. I have my 3 bunny plush I used to cuddle at mums in the mean time. Poor Hammington. I hope she forgives me....


tomorrow~

we are popping over to Jack's family house as it's Sophie's 18th

then coming home for lunch and a rest then going over to Harvey's in the evening for takeaway :)


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