few confessions

 Evening

For the love of god I keep forgetting to write this!!! jesus >.>

Just got to bed without thinking about doing my diary!

Well I have been 'back' at work but working from home

I had 300+ emails waiting for me....yup that was my morning gone!

Over the 2 days I got through my emails, I got my pictures finished, I went through the biologists's lab sheets to see what they want this coming week. I was really quite exhausted!

heres my pictures, one is o a caveman (our ancestors) trying to train a wolf (kinda like how domestic dogs started) thats kinda where I was going with this, and also a now days horse showing off its evolved hoof the 'first' horse

Jack was still suffering with stomach upset and coughing fits

I had an afternoon of crying

It was work triggered. Just reading everything brought everything back. I dont want to go back. i am only just starting to feel like myself again. I cant volunteer again to work myself in to the ground and make my self so sick that life doesnt feel like worth living. This process keeps happening and I have reached breaking point. i cant do it again. This time I did come close to just overdosing and ending it all I couldnt see a way to live my life happily.

I expressed this to mum through tears as she came to see me, I cried to Jack too

I said that I need to accept this, I will not be able to the summer term after easter as a full time technician, I will need to be part time. my plan was to last out til I could get the job as art technician (hopefully) and work those part time hours starting september. I would only need to hold out 1 more term being full time.

But I cant

So i began to stress about that and the meetings that will follow

I have also made an active effort since thursday to take the correct dosage of my pain relief which is 8 tablets a day apposed to sometimes 16 tablets a day

i had let it get that bad

I was overdosing at work to get me through the day 

then I was signed off sick and in such a state that I was overdosing for my stress induced pain and back i had pulled out (is still recovering 4 weeks on!) then I was just taking them cus I wanted to. Not cus I needed them. I wasnt seeing any 'repercussions' of taking extra so I just kept doing it as it helped me feel less about life. But i cant do this

I can not keep poisoning my body like this

so I have been taking the 8 tablets I am supposed to

heck if I can I might try and drop further!

Its hard admitting things that need to change. Change is hard 

today tho

I have had massive upset stomach....you know when you HAVE to go as you cant keep it in and what comes out is like rusty water....yeah I was shivering and sweating on and off the toilet. It was a horrendous day I was just massively grateful we had nothing on today. Sweet jesus

I dont think its anything to worry about, something has just gone wrong inside. I am sure I will be fine tomorrow 

jack was given and interview date so thats good news! think its 11th of april. Be so good if he gets a new job.

His mum rang today they are off on holiday during easter break. Jacks brother was going to come home and work from home there so he could pet sit. However he is unable to do that due to needing some heavy dentistry that very week, typically! So Jack's nan is having Enzo the cat

and we are having his sister's 2 bunnies! Skyla and Thumper!!!

I am mega excited!

I was dreading her asking us to travel over for 10 days straight during our holiday to go let rabbits out as that would tie us down and take 2+ hours out our day. So theyre dropping everything off on wednesday! Oz has never seen another rabbit before. So it will be interesting.

tomorrow is 

food shop

food cooking + food prep

clean the bathroom (that poor toilet...)

take Jack out in the car to practice as his driving test is on friday