blatant begging isnt it

Happy Halloween!

I couldnt sleep last night. My stomach was HUGE, I honestly looked 5 months pregnant. I never let anyone touch my stomach but I let Jack touch it just so he could understand what was going off. It was huge and pressured. He felt it and said "its like a balloon in there!" it was so painful. I felt like stabbing it and letting the gas out. My whole intestine must have been blown up for my stomach to achieve such a growth. My skin felt tight. I was gonna take a photo but I knew if I saw said image, id cry.

So I was up til midnight cus I couldnt lay on my stomach it was soo painful. I waited til I was shattered so I could lay down and conk out right away.

We got up earlier this morning so we could get fuel before school. I didnt feel too bad about school ether. 

I checked my emails and I had the awful email saying I gotta have that absence review meeting >.> pointless exercise thats gonna be!

I did a lot today tho. We told Julia about our engagement too ^^ 

I got my practicals done, I was on good form today actually. I was topping Jack up with coffee to keep him going bless him. He still stayed for war hammer club, course he did

I saw mummy for lunch, she left at 1:30, I went straight to bed, woke up at 3:40. sweet jesus. That was my afternoon gone! so once I got up, I decided to make our salads for dinner and also jack's lunch for tomorrow. I sat and had my dinner with Oz cus I was hungry and I didnt wanna be up and down to trick or treaters during my meal.

I did some bun yoga for 45mins. We had so much time together. I love that bun.

I only had to answer the door 3 times cus we got heavy rainfall on trick or treat night!

last year we had so many children dressed up that we ran out of sweets! so I bought a few packs this year.

1st time answering the door, two young children dressed up with parents 20 metres behind them, all fine and polite

2nd time answering the door, a black 12 year old in hoodie. I answered the door "wheres your costume?" he said "it ripped" i gave him sweets as I couldnt be bothered with that one

3rd time answering the door, 9 13year olds. none of which were dressed up....I gave them sweets cus I didnt want to take the chance of having my house egged.

at that point I decided that that was blatant begging. am I wrong? if it was on any other day of the week and teenagers asked for sweets at your door youd tell em to do one. But on halloween its justified? 

Im not into that. At this point, I took my pumpkin out from the window and turned the lights off at the front door. But it didnt matter as it rained heavily and no one has since come to the door.

dont know if I will bother next year if its gonna be like that. so I now have a lot of sweets left. what a waste and pointless exercise that was.

I am disappointed cus if I am honest, I do like seeing costumes and I remember how much fun I used to have on halloween with my friends dressing up trick or treating.

anyway, I sat with Jack whilst he had his salad, I made a hot chocolate and we watched anime. then I had a hot hot bath.

so I didnt achieve anything with my afternoon annoyingly but I was shattered. cant be helped.

bit of a crappy halloween tho must say

tomorrow is school :/ 

That was October half term

 \evening/

So today is the last day of my October half term T^T

Last night, I was by myself. I sat and painted my nails, watched the first 3 episodes of overlord again, played on my switch in bed til 10pm. Yeah I had a good time by myself actually XD Jack said he came to bed around midnight but didnt sleep well as he couldnt breathe, hes full of cold :(

I got up at 8:30am which was actually 7:30am. But Oz doesnt understand and so had thrown his dish. He doesnt do waiting XD I let Jack sleep in. When I woke up I was straight in that bathroom, a repeat of yesterday morning!

I had a good breakfast~ I made myself a hot chocolate on the stove by warming almond milk, dark chocolate drops and coconut sugar. It was actually pretty good, heck I've had worse from cafes! I drank it along side banana cake~ what a breakfast ^^

I did 50mins of yoga as my legs really really hurt today so I thought this might help them, I thought wrong

I then sat cooking Jack's lunch meat, chicken for 2 meals for us and then Jack helped me with my soup

we had lunch then Jack fell asleep, Oz fell asleep. So I had no choice but to be quiet!

I sat making an account on Transcribeme, reading the everything about the damn sit -____- took me AGES cus I wanna take the 2-3  hour exam and hopefully pass the damn thing (english not being my strong suit) and then transcribe some videos! see if I can earn a bit more money but when I chose. Cus it would be nice to earn more money now that im part time. But theres no way I could work 2 jobs with my health being what it is. So for the last 3 weeks I have been researching these kinda remote jobs that you can do as and when you want. I have told NO ONE. In case it doesnt work out! 

I had a cup of tea outside with my loaf, he likes attention outside

we did the dinner which was salad, thats as most as I am willing to say on topic T^T

then I had awful tummy ache

every damn food I have eaten today be it snack or meal, I have ended up in that bathroom. My stomach is not happy. Why? Im on that damn diet what more does it want!? Right now my stomach is massive, skin stretched, painful, I feel sick and look about 5months pregnant. But nothing comes of it. I just have sit and deal with the pain. Its horrible. I feel sick and dreading taking my last lot of pain killers...I have put it down to nerves about school tomorrow. I am the same everytime after a holiday. My stomach has a nervous disposition I know it does. It's more bothered about school than I am! I have been keeping myself busy all day but my stomach has been hyperfocused on school all day.

I had a good pamper in the bath to burn those aches. My skin came out matching my hair - red

gonna watch anime and go bed

tomorrow is school T^T no fair. Next holiday is christmas holidays too. my worst holiday ugh. Dont wanna go tomorrow! Its also Halloween tomorrow! so I will be wearing a cute outfit~

but been the best holiday this year, we actually went out!!! and of course our engagement 

I just hope Jack is well enough to go school tomorrow so we can tell people together. I wont tell people without him.

Carved Pumpkins

 Evening

I whipped out my weighted blanket last night, forgot how good that sucker is! it felt so good on my aches to have pressure on them. Slept really well, got up once for a wee and that was it

this morning I woke up and straight away had to spend quality time on the toilet. It was awful. Not sure where all that came from. Jack weighed me and said I had lost 0.5kg since last week....he said "youre literally shitting yourself thin" I burst out laughing. He doesnt usually tell me about my weight

We went off shopping anyway, bumped into mum into the car park ^^ she was round the shop a lot with us. We did well shopping, I got new ankle weights ^^ 

Once we were home we unpacked and had a quick sit

then I sat cooking some meat, marinating some meat. Then Jack helped me clean Oz out. I cleaned the bathroom.  We had lunch. God I was done you know! I went to bed for a good hour. It didnt do much good but gave my body rest I suppose.

Once I was up we did a half hour walk as that was all i was up to.

we came in and I made myself and almond milk earl grey tea. Best one I have made. Its with different almond milk but I added more earl grey tea leaves and more sugar, actually made it taste so much better. I might be on to something there. 

We then carved pumpkins! originally Jack was like "I dont want a pumpkin" but then today round the shops he decided he wanted one....when they had zero pumpkins. He picked up a 69p ghost pumpkin. Its tiny. Fits in the palm of your hand. I said "you are gonna have a hard time carving something so small" but he got it. So I had mine which is the size of a large football and he had his mini ghost pumpkin.

I went with a happy goofy look which is different to what I usually go with, Jack on the other hand did so well! its probably his best pumpkin to date! I was very impressed. So they currently are looking at me with candles in.

I made a banana cake to snack on as I finally have dark chocolate drops to put in stuff! I also found a dark chocolate bar I like! so finally I have some 'decent' snacks on my diet.

I did dinner straight after banana cake

dyed my eyebrows and eyelashes. Managed to get dye in BOTH my EYES. jesus christ. Like acid. I was squealing and stamping my foot and pushing  my eyes into my skull. Anything to take the pain away. It luckily only lasts 10 seconds but its 10 agonising seconds

had a bath now doing diary with my lazy loaf who has nothing but frisked me for food today....

I plan to paint my nails later. Jack is gonna go game with Theo so I am by myself. I will then game in bed and hopefully sleep

tomorrow is my last day off....my last day of my holidays.....sad.....

I have plenty of chores to do like 2 lots of meat to cook and my soup to cook as well T^T my weekend to just goes to the house and chores....but I hope to do something for me. I still havent done any art work. I am not even sure what my excuse is.

I got red hair~

 Evening

I couldnt sleep last night, I ached and my stomach was a bit sore to lay on so all in all I could not get comfortable -_____- I was up til 2am cus of course I was

wanting to sod my diet and eat exactly what I want to eat

I just feel so unsatisfied all the time and miss food. No matter how hard I try with recipes the foods just arent cutting it for me. I was watching food videos, imagining what food must taste like. I miss carbs and feeling satisfied and full 

I woke up just before 9am

I didnt bother getting ready. I just ate breakfast and began cleaning the house. Jack didnt need prompting he just got on and joined in which was good of him. I was so dead after all that tho. Jack reminded me it didnt need to be done all in one go but I just wanted it bloody done.

we had a brew then lunch

after lunch I did my experiment! my expensive flours had arrived. Sadly the dark chocolate isnt here yet tho. But I had stuff to work with. I had a recipe for dough but i altered it to make it sweet and such. So  i made sweet chocolate rolls kinda thing. Theyve been the best thing I have eaten on this diet but cus I wasnt sure if it was gonna work, I only made four and ive eaten two! but cus its made with starch and therefor carbs it means hopefully they will give me some energy

mum came over at 2pm to dye my hair. I have red hair. I was washing it and the dye wouldnt stop pouring out! I thought  "did anything take to my hair!?" it washed out purple water, then red, then brown! I got the shower and yup. I AM RED. I swear im redder than on the packet!

we did dinner and had that in pyjamas. I have actually unintentionally had a pyjama day >< 

now I am just with my loaf who is full of beans today. 

I might put some songs on my ipod ready for school. God I cant believe after this weekend I am back at school! where did my holiday go!? its been a good holiday tho

we started watching a new anime today as we finished season4 of overlord. That is a solid series. I can not wait for series 5! I wanna watch the second season of Tonikawa cus its about marriage. But we will watch that one in the evenings after highschool DxD and we will finish that one this week

tomorrow

just food shop and chores T^T

We went Birmingham

 Evening

I was too dead yesterday to write anything. I had no brain cells left

we got up at 7am and put the stew on and Jack washed my hair for me - my  at the moment always looks crap and greasy as its due a cut and dye!

we set off for the train station, and went to catch our train

i was stupidly anxious and was a bit stressy. But it was just anxiety. I havent really travelled for 3 years

We caught the train and got seats thank god cus my legs are not able to support me for an hour standing

I shut my eyes for the 1 hour 15mins journey and Jack read

we arrived and I said I was mega thirsty and wanted bubble tea, not had bubble tea in 3 years and its also not really breaking my diet. It was soooooooo  good and refreshing

then we started looking at shops, we found the shops we wanted to go. The main one being Tokyo Toys. Jack said we werent leaving without something XD there was cute figures and plush but nothing really called out to me. I felt like I would be buying for the sake of buying you know? until I found one little bunny plush by itself!! I loved it. I said to Jack I wanted this one!! so thats all we got!

we were looking for a cafe to go to for lunch. We would be meeting Jacks sister for lunch, Sophie. I was trying to find a place to eat that did food I could eat. I was getting grouchy at this point as it HURT to walk and id had enough, i needed drugs and a bloody sit down

we found some where called Soho cafe. Jack bought me an earl tea but I was so thirsty I practically downed it. Didnt really savour ACTUAL tea. God I miss tea -______-

sophie turned up on time and we ordered lunch. i told Jack that no matter what I eat I will be breaking my diet as no where does paleo food. Unless you count a fruit pot. And i wanted something that will fill me for more than 20mins. So I chose a wrap and luckily it didnt have any sauce it was just chicken and veg so Id only broken my diet with 1 cup of tea and the wrap bread bit. So i didnt push my luck.

we left there after over and hours sit. My bum was going numb

sophie joined us for a bit. and we walked round a few shops

she left us as she wanted to go home and sleep

I said to Jack once she left that I am very much struggling to walk now, could we catch an earlier train home?

so we headed back to the station and there was a shop I really wanted to see Miniso it was full of super cute tat, all stuff you dont need but I could have bought A LOT

and the price!! how were they making any money!? it was dirt cheap but so cute and decent quality too. I got a pumpkin cushion, hair bands and clips. I wanted to study stuff more but we wanted that earlier train so we made a dash for it. We were lucky cus it was just 1 carriage and less stops but meant less seats! thank bloody god we got seats. I couldnt stand i was too tired and in too much pain

my home felt so far away. I just wanted to be home with my creature comforts. I drove us home as I could see the traffic was mounting, it was 4:50pm and I didnt have time for Jack's hesitant driving. I wanted us HOME. So I drove as I get the job done.

we got in and didnt stop from there as just because you go out for the day doesnt mean the house will run its self right! mum has been over and delivered my almond milk for me to try and stirred my stew too, checked on Oz. 

so we were doing mash for stew and sorting Oz and 1000 other things that needed sorting -___- I was shattered and hurting

I had a hot bath and Jack kindly massaged my legs for me which I think helped a lot.

I tried my experiment which was warming almond milk on the stove, pouring earl grey tea leaves and coconut sugar into it. Stirring it til it bubbled then straining into a mug. I have massively been missing warm milky drinks aka hot chocolate. And this wasnt too bad. My next experiment will be warm almond milk with melted dark chocolate drops. But I found something drinkable at least. not amazing but drinkable. Almond milk is an acquired taste

we fell asleep quite quick we were both wiped out. But we'd had a lovely day out together. We havent had a day out for AGGGEGSSSSSSSS 

This morning, I woke up at 8:30am, closed my eyes and next thing I know its 9:30am....

what the hell!? jack got up at 8am. So he sorted oz out thank god

I spent an hour doing yoga then cus I had sweated and felt grim I did go have a shower

then I had to cook Jack some meat for his lunch

after lunch we had to trim the fur round Oz's bum 

I did the shopping list and sorted other stuff out

I had reflex at 2pm it was soooooo relaxing. But because I had been so poorly lately I was expecting it to be bad and painful but wasnt painful at all and charlotte said nothing much cropped up, the best I had been!

I came home and made an almond milk tea

fussed Oz then I drove Jack for chip shop then bought us home, quickly microwaved my leftovers and had dinner. I do not know how Jack ate all that but he was very happy for that little treat. I want him to have a good holiday, I just feel bad I wont join in with take away. Well I cant right now on my diet anyway.

I didnt bother having a bath as I had a shower this morning and I dont want another one. Cant be arsed. Oz is going to bed in a minute

not sure what I will do between now and bed time. I could sleep I know that much.....

tomorrow

doing the dusting of the house T^T 

after lunch mummy is coming over and she says she wil dye my hair hopefully as god my hair looks a mess right now. Kinda gone brassy

I cant see me having any other outer city days out this year but going derbyshire and birmingham this holiday has been nice as we've literally not gone anywhere for 3 years! But now everywhere will start to get christmasy and busy. So I cant be doing that.

we said next year we would do birmingham convention. Its on next month but my cousin went to it in the summer and said it was crap. Covid had killed off all the stores so me and jack said we would give it a year to build back up hopefully. I would like to go manchester too maybe. jack keeps saying he would like to show me newcastle - where he went to uni

first time I have been out with mummy for weeks!

 Evening

i couldnt sleep last night. Despite getting up with Jack til 11pm I went back to bed, still couldnt sleep so was up til 2am. I ached, felt sick and my stomach looked like I was 5months pregnant. Why i still suffer with my stomach despite being on my diet, I dont know -_______- I cant take anymore from my diet! But to chill me out last night I painted some halloween nails :) 

This morning I woke up at 8:45am to find Jack sleeping. I left him sleeping as yesterday he said he felt like he had a cold coming, I wondered if he did have a cold and therefore needed the rest. I let him sleep and went to get Oz who had grown impatient with waiting it would seem, judging by his thrown dish and toy....

Jack got up at 9am tho. He said he felt ok today. Me on the other hand, I feel like I have a cold coming! my nose and throat feels burny and Ive had to blow my nose today several time. I best not be getting a cold on my holidays!!!!!

I didnt see Jack much this morning and I was putting away the stuff mum bought over yesterday

we had an early lunch as he wanted to get off to warhammer world.

at 1pm mummy came to pick me up :D

we went to TK MAXX I got a few things and some new headphones for work. so it was worth going.

mum took me back to hers so I could sit with the girls which was nice, she also showed me the wallpaper and paint shes gonna use in my old room

she bought me back for 4pm as I needed my pain killers, I also needed to see loaf who looks like he had just been having his afternoon sleep in his cage. I sat on my laptop really then got dinner ready as I am so damn hungry but Jack should be home soon. He better be >.>

I will show him what I bought later and we will watch the new pokemon trailer also~

just gonna have a bath later and stuff

tomorrow tho

we are going to birmingham!! we are catching the train in the morning then just having a few hours in birmingham and have lunch with his sister. Should be a nice day ^^ I am looking forward to it I just hope I can walk ok. My legs have been painful since my walk with mia as they arent 100% recovered from my holiday. So today just doing 1 shop was ENOUGH. I wanna wear a comfy outfit.

we have the stew to put on in the morning before we leave. But yeah we're not having too long over there as it is just a shopping place and I cant walk forever and we dont wanna leave Oz all day

pleas please please can i sleep tonight!!

Finally ordered some storage, and told Mia

 Evening

I slept

god I slept

slept like the dead and woke up at 8:50am and mia was coming around 9:30am so had to get up and get ready. So glad I slept tho.

I went for a good hour's walk with Mia and the dogs. i got to hear all about her life post-wedding. Then near my house coming home I told her about my engagement and she was like "why are youo just telling me this now!? why didnt you tell me at the start of the walk!?" I said "because I didnt want to trample on your wedding, I wanted to hear about what you've been up to since your wedding and thoughts on your wedding. Didnt want to just make way for my engagement like your wedding was no longer important" anyway she was SO happy. Honestly so happy. I told her it wouldnt be for a few years and but she did want to know the crucial detail, is she bridesmaid. 

I said "of course you are! I can not do that day without you. I need you by my side on that day!"

I cant do it without her, I need her there 100%. Im also not bothered about having anymore bridesmaid. Think I just need mia really.

I got in and Jack made me a tea, after we drank that it was near enough lunch time

after lunch I started doodling some ideas for halloween nails. 

I looked at some recipes for my diet as I am starting to struggle now. Literally eating the same old stuff and I would KILL for something sweet. God I miss tea, chocolate and biscuits, cake. So I spent £10 on 2 types of fancy ass flour so I can do some baking. I need to pick up some stuff when we go shopping on saturday too. We did pick up 70% dark chocolate as I can have dark chocolate. last time on the diet I tried 90% and spat it out. Far too bitter. I dont like dark chocolate anyway, only if its in something like cake or biscuits. 70% was still gross. So maybe I could get a less percentage one.

I also had a look at storage for my craft room online. something I keep doing but not having success with. Then mum came over she bought some more of my stuff from home - yes almost 2 years later i STILL have stuff at home.....

basically, I havent bought my stuff over cus I need to finish my craft room otherwise I literally cant store all the stuff. But as they are decorating my old bedroom, some stuff has had to come over which is fine. I still have more than that tho...

so I saw mum for a bit

then once she went, I asked for Jack  to help me look at storage as I like his opinion and help measuring where things would go. He also thinks totally different to me so he comes up with things I would never think of. It has saved me buying loads of wrong things in my time here! I can finally finally say that I have ordered some shelving!! jesus christ, so it cost me....£340 T^T its made to order and had to order internal boxes too. I needed sturdy. I didnt wanna worry about it falling to pieces. I also needed  it to last, Im not replacing it any time soon and it will hold a lot of my craft stuff. i am happy with my choice. It wont be here til christmas tho. The boxes should come this week so at least I can sort stuff out and put them in the boxes ready. I cant tell you what a relief it is to finally be getting some storage.

We then did dinner, it was donburi. As I cant have the rice my bowl was veg, chicken and egg. I felt like a body builder....we both had stomach upset after dinner weirdly. 

after dying on the toilet I had a bath then finished my diary

My legs are tired, I dont feel too tired tho. I really hope I sleep well tonight! be good to have 2 days running of good sleep!

tomorrow

I have my Jack in the morning then after lunch he is meeting nerds from work for the first time out of work to go to Warhammer world to play warhammer which he hasnt done for years. So I am really happy for him that hes doing that. Hes been frantically making models for it! Mummy says she will come pick me up and take me out. Mummy is carer tomorrow

big bouquet and Jack told his Nan

 Evening

I had a bad night, took me a while to sleep anyway cus Jack wasnt with me. Then I woke up at 1am for a wee and that was my downfall. I ached really bad and was up til gone 3. I woke up at 9am to an empty messy bed, even Hammington had fled the bed! Jack said I had been thrashing in my sleep. So I was even aching in my sleep!

I felt drained of life this morning

like I had nothing more to give

but had a lot to do.

I didnt bother getting dressed, brushing my hair, washing my face

I just got straight into cooking my breakfast meat, ate that then followed up with cooking meat for mon and tues dinner. Then Jack helped me make my soup. Whilst that was cooking the 3 of us went out to clean Ozwald out

I sat on the sofa, exhausted. My mum wanted to see me tho today but I really wasnt in the mood

I was grouchy. Cus I was tired and achy and my lunchtime pain killers i had been looking forward to may as well have been flour tablets. Cant even say sugar tablets as i didnt get any energy 

So I was gonna go to bed, but we decided to do a short walk. I told mum what I was doing and that I would see her tomorrow when I was in a better mood.

We started walking and my body felt so heavy, like I had bricks on the bottom of my shoes

we did the shortest walk possible and I had the hill to my house yet to do. That was when mummy's car came round the corner. Like an actual heaven moment. She had been to drop flowers and a card off at my house and then said I looked like death, did I want a lift home. So dad spun the car round and took me and Jack home. He even congratulated Jack....absolute shock. Hes even been telling people! didnt think he would be arsed if I am honest!!

I was soooooooooooooo grateful to be home and thanked mum and dad for the lift

I got in and dived into my bed where I stayed for the next 2 hours  

when I got up i felt in a much better mood and a bit better in general

Jack had been on the phone to his nan to tell her the news. She was THRILLED shes wanted our marriage more than anyone XD she cant wait to tell people 

i looked at the flowers and card mummy got us. Massive bouquet of flowers 0.0 shame they will die they are beautiful

we had a  cup of tea then I started on dinner as it was gonna be faffy, I didnt need jack's help so he went out the way cus I wanted to make mess by myself

I was making 2 types of pancakes

I made myself banana pancake mix which turned out ok, I had mine with chopped up orange and strawberries. Jack had normal pancake mix but I cooked his with bacon and baked beans. I put maple syrup on both of ours. Mine was more successful than I thought it was gonna be. Jack loved his as thats very much his kinda meal XD

Then I spent ages on the floor fussing loaf. Honestly me and that rabbit this weekend have spent a lot of time fussing one another. Youd think it was us two engaged XD we had to catch up on lost time cus id been away. I love him so much

I had been putting off cleaning the damn bathroom all day, not feeling like I had the energy for it. But thought if I start it I will just get on with it. Which is what I did.

I had a VERY hot bath. I was lobster Jo. I was determined to burn them aches off. It has helped

now I think we're gonna watch high school DxD, weve not watched an episode since tuesday night!

tomorrow

going for a dog walk with mia at 9:30am, I can tell her my news and also hear about how married life has been treating her. Suppose to rain heavy tomorrow tho T^T

we told Jack's family today :)

 Evening

I couldnt sleep last night, I was too achy and felt a bit sicky too. So I was up til 11pm, Jack came to join me after he finished his gaming.

I then, after the bed was fresh and Hammington was fresh from her bath, had a nightmare and therefore sweated in bed -_______- my hair felt wet when I woke up from it. So come morning I felt quite grim to be honest. 

We went for food shopping and I bumped into mummy ^^ she told me my dad was happy with our news :) 

Once we were home, I had a quick bath to help with my aches and also to make me feel less grim cus yeah even my hair looked greasy from the sweat.

I got out the bath and made myself look presentable and then we headed off to Jack's family's house

we were there to give his sister her birthday card and gift

after everyone was chatting Jack just dropped the bomb shell of "we're engaged"

His family was so happy especially his mum. She said "finally" finally? we've only been together 3 years ^^; how fast should we get married? I think there were hoping for a wedding soon but I said we were gonna wait a bit.

We left at 12:50, I was so hungry and tired

We did lunch as soon as we got in then I went to bed. I was tired.

I got up at 3:30pm and had a brew with Jack

I made some tomato sauce to go with my dinner

sat on my laptop a bit then did the dinner, had a quick bath but didnt both washing my hair again. It will look a mess tomorrow but im not going anywhere.

Jack is off to play with Theo online, he messaged his friends on the group chat to tell them about the engagement and they were happy for us but also made fun of him saying "someone actually wants to marry you"

so im by myself tonight which is fine, I dont mind. I cope. I finished Okami, again, last night so I will have disgaea4 to play tonight. I havent done any exercise today tho so I might do some weights in a bit not sure yet. I really should do some digital drawing but I havent found the motivation

tomorrow

seeing as I didnt do my chores today (I thought as we've been away from the house for 2 days things werent too bad) so I have meat to cook, soup to make, Oz to clean out, bathroom to clean. Fun day tomorrow isnt it!

I got engaged =^^=

 I am home~~~

So saturday 19th of October was a full on day!

We got all ready to go away for our second holiday ever. We dropped Oz off at mums. and Jack drove us off to Matlock - derbyshire

we arrived just fine, we walked up round the old unique houses and pubs to a bookshop Jack wanted to go to. It was full, from ceiling to floor of books and 3 stories! Not my kinda thing but Jack enjoys it. We then went back to the car for a quick lunch

We then drove to Lumsdale Valley. Which is one my favourite places! It has water falls! We had a slow walk down the bank cus its very uneven and covered in leaves. Jack helped me every step of the way in case I fell. My legs were becoming weak and tired and shaky. I was also using my inhaler a lot which adds to the shakiness.

We eventually got to the water fall. Jack sat me down on a rock by the water fall and asked if this was my favourite spot. I said it was, I was using my inhaler and trying to catch my breath. Jack sat with me and once I was ok he told me how much he loves me, wants to spend the rest of his life with me, how happy I make him everyday. Then he whipped out a box. Yup. This was my Jack proposing to me *0* 

I obviously said yes as I love him to pieces and live with the guy. He put the ring on my finger and freakin fitted!!!! its a lovely pink ruby and diamond gold ring. I will have to take a photo of it. But it was so private no one was around, it was so perfect. I was massively in shock haha

We then walked back to the car. Drove back to the Matlock bath and went for tea and cake which was heaven in my mouth. The best toffee cake I have ever eaten.

Then we could check in at the hotel. I rested for a bit. We talked about telling our parents and we said we prefer to do it in person. So I had to keep that a secret til I got home!

But it was still sinking in that he proposed to me, by a waterfall on my beloved Granny's birthday ^^

I asked him if he asked my parents permission, he said he didnt as he was gonna ask but then worried if he asked then actually bottled asking me XD bless him.

He had the ring since May and was dying to give it to me but because I have been so poorly, we havent been anywhere for him to do the proposal. 

We went to dinner and I had a korean chicken and a few chips. I didnt push my luck and over eat as I didnt want to upset my stomach. Jack had a beef burger topped with pulled pork and bacon. He was more happy with his mulled cider XD

We went back to the hotel, I was struggling to walk but the pub was well within walking distance it was great. We had a soak in the bath then called it a night, both of us done in

I didnt sleep well due to pain. I had face ache from not having my pillow, aches from not having my supportive bed, aches from walking. The pain was that bed it was like I could hear the pain. I woke Jack up cus it was pitch black in the room and I needed pain killers and to move. At home we have the diffuser on all night and it lights the room a bit, we also have a street lamp outside our bedroom window lighting the public footpath. All in all, we can see quite well at night. 

We got the next morning and we had paid for bike rental for a local lake cycle path. But as soon as I woke up I could hear the rain. It was hammering it down.....our plans ruined. We were gonna go out for breakfast but we did not fancy going out in that! so I had a nice bath to help my aching body. Then we went to reception and asked if we were allowed to have breakfast. she said it was fine and made a quick note of our room number as it would cost £10 each. She said she would stick it on our room.

we walked through to breakfast. Literally being the youngest there XD I had 1 and a half muffins and some fruit as I didnt fancy much else.

we went back to the room and I flopped on the bed deflated. I fell asleep and woke up at 10:30. When I woke up Jack motivated me. Said we would go out and get wet on the bikes. I couldnt bare the thought of how cold and achy I would get but decided to go out and get the lunch and hope the rain passes. We were gonna drive to Matlock for the sainsburys and buy a meal deal to eat at the lake. But when we arrived I realised you got 3 hours free parking so I suggested we just have a chill day and do the shops and have lunch in a cafe

so thats what we did. All the shops are unique and independent no chain shops to be seen! we found a little cafe run by an elderly couple. I had the best carrot and corriander soup  i have even eaten. we looked round odd little shops. i did see things I like but it would be buying for the sake of buying. I did find a coat in a charity shop for dad and I bought that. That was the only thing I did buy!

Id had enough, it hadnt stopped raining the entire time. It eased but didnt stop til 4:30pm

at 2pm we drove back towards the hotel and had an ice cream. I had a scoop of oreo and scoop of Malteser. then we went back to the hotel. I was relieved as i could barely walk. I fell asleep as soon as we got back. When I woke up we went for food. We went same pub as it was so quiet there, cheap, and Jack saw drinks he wanted to try. I was fine going same place as we didnt go for the food we go to see places. It also relaxed me as I knew what I would be eating! I decided to have same korean chicken as I enjoyed it. Jack had beef lasagne

he had a couple of drinks and I was just on squash. We managed a dessert! i had toffee pudding with ice cream jack has tiramisu. We stayed there a while then did a walk by the river - the river faced the pub. It was all lit up with fairy lights - the walk called lovers walk X3

we went back to the hotel for a bath and bed, Jack kindly massaged my legs before bed and it helped massively

I slept better think the massage helped. We went out for breakfast which wasnt anything amazing as most places opened at 10am. So it was ether wait round for good food or eat anything and get home to Oz and hour earlier. We both missed loaf and loved all the photos and videos mum sent me.

we packed our stuff and gave the key back, the woman didnt charge us for breakfast! so that was lucky, made me feel better about the wasted bike money.

Jack drove home and as soon as I got home I started unpacking everything. Not sure why! just did it. Of course I had been to see Oz as mum had kindly dropped him off a bit earlier. He was happy to see me, gave me licks, ignored Jack XD

I cooked sausages for Jacks lunch then we had lunch

mum came over and she stayed almost 2 hours.

I showed her my ring. She was shocked! I wasnt sure if she was happy at first but it was just shock bless her. she was happy. 

Then once mum left I monged on youtube, went for an early bath, had dinner, now here. Jack has gaming tonight. So I am by myself tonight but i think I will fall asleep rapid tonight. I am exhausted....

we might see jack's family at the weekend to tell them the news ^^

I am so happy about it all. But there is ZERO rush to actually go down the aisle. We are in no hurry and will just do it as and when I am ready basically. Kinda want a new kitchen before blowing my savings on a wedding! 

I feel loved and wanted ^^ I am so grateful to my Jack. Hes been so brave.  Its a massive thing to do and hes been thinking about it a while bless him!

I have had a lovely holiday with him too, yes not everything went to plan but it was lovely all the same. We both enjoyed it and enjoyed getting out, just the two of us. I am grateful to mum for doing top notch bunny care. 

so yeah thats everything I think ^^

I have only told  mum and even when I have told Jacks family

we will not be posting it all over social media cus we're not like that. I will message a few people who arent able to physically see me but on the whole I am just gonna wait til I see people to tell them. I prefer to see reactions. Then posting it online and receiving cold likes

love you my Jack~

On the second card

 Evening

we had  to get  up again, cus of me, again. My stomach. Just doesnt like laying down at night for some reason. Really painful. We were only up til 11pm tho.

I woke up at 8am Jack was already up with the loaf and had cut up the stuff for the stew! Amazing how during the night I am a light sleeping but come morning or  during the day I am a heavy sleeper. 

So I was doing the stew first thing when I woke up.

Then I did some leg and arm weights for 15mins. That would be my exercise for the day.

I got dressed and then we started packing stuff to go away. We needed to sort it all out.

I then sat doing Jack's sister's birthday card. its finished and i hope she likes it!

We had lunch and then I sat painting my nails then I went to  bed.

When I woke up I took Oz outside with me and rang my mum. I was gonna see her but shes full of cold so I dont wanna catch that before we go away. I have told my brother hes welcome to my house to work from home if he wants. 

I was sooooo hungry so we had dinner for bang on 5pm

afterwards I started doing a card for my brother's christmas present as I bought him a voucher so I want a decent card for it.

Then I had a big pamper in the bathroom. I feel so clean!

I might do a bit more of my brother's card tonight

Oz has been demanding bun and chewing up the garden...dread him going mums and savaging her garden....

big spending and stomach isnt well

 Evening

As I sat on my laptop last night it was about 8:15 and I was thinking "I feel sick, no way do I wanna take tonights meds if I already feel so sickly" by 8:30 I was out my seat and feeling like I was gonna chuck up. Jack saw me and asked whats wrong. I didnt dare answer him in case I was sick whilst speaking. I was then on my knees spitting into the toilet some yellow saliva. Wasnt pretty. Jack got me a cup of water and I sipped on that and sat on the cold bathroom floor. I came round after 10mins. But yeah wasnt nice. It was the same feeling as last week when I was gonna be sick.

We went to bed after watching the start of season 4 of highschool DxD 

in bed, I got that awful stomach/large intestine pain and had to get up with the hot bag. Jack chose to get up with me but I told him he didnt need to. We were up til 11pm anyway. I did sleep after that as I took extra pain killers to knock me out

Jack got up at 7am and delt with the sour dough. I got up at 8am and had to go toilet straight away to find my poo floats. My stomach and intestines has one job to do and thats digest. Sodding digest would ya!!!! its not doing what its suppose to do >.> No wonder I am exhausted, Im not digesting properly so I am not getting everything from my food T^T

this morning we got ready to go out anyway as we needed a lot of stuff from the next town/village

I needed to bank a cheque

we needed 2 pet shops

we needed the supermarket

Jack needed a weatherspoons voucher for his sisters birthday present

I needed a voucher

we needed some stuff for physics

and we needed 3 other stores

man it was a lot!!!!!!!!!!! 2 hours later and like £200 later. We were done

so very done.....

we've needed that stuff for a long time so the list had grown!

we got in and unpacked and then had a brew and had lunch

I really wanted to just go bed but I said I would go see my mummy. I took Oz over with me as I thought it would do him some good to refresh his mind on that garden. He looked up at their high rockery and i could see the doubt in his eyes - he used to be able to scale that rockery no issue - instead he took the stairs! mum said it was good he did that instead of hurting himself. He then spent the entire 90mins I was over, loafing under a tree T^T he did not understand the assignment 

I sat talking to my mum. She bought Jack a slab of flapjack and me some bunny socks as I cant have cake right now. it was nice of her ^^

i came home with loaf, he did very well travelling I have to say. He then loafed in my garden.

I sat resting for almost an hour as honestly my eyelids are red I am so tired

I got up and cleaned the girl's cage out before it got too grim

I then sat doing Jack's sisters birthday card, its somehow turned into a manga kinda page! I hope she likes it considering she doesnt ike comics! Jack says its good. I will finish it tomorrow

Oh and last night when I was looking at accessories online. Originally my basket was like £82 but I got it down to £60. So yes. I have ordered £60 worth of accessories but I got 15 accessories for that. that shop just sold so much I liked! I am excited for them to arrive! I didnt tell Jack. But my money anyway.

Were maybe gonna book train tickets tonight to go birmingham for the day next week. It will be a bit pricey to do but we have done nothing as a couple all year - mainly cus of me. So I said to Jack it will be nice to do. We're only doing it for Jack's sister who has moved there last month for uni. So we said we would go visit her and have lunch with her. Id like to do that for her. Shes settling in well it seems :) and we can give her her birthday card I am making.

Think I will dye my eyelashes tonight as my eyes are sore anyway why not sting them further XD

I will go for a bath and watch anime then play switch in bed and finally conk out. I am knackered

tomorrow

we are putting the stew on in the morning and having a more relaxed day for me, before we go away. 

river walk with a brew

 Evening

I struggled to sleep last night, I couldnt shut my thoughts off. Its so annoying when its like that. So Jack got up with me whilst I took pain killers as I ached from laying there for too long.

I slept from there and woke up at 8am. Got up for my loaf as I didnt want him shredding his clean hutch. I put the girls outside. Yes it was a bit wet out but I cant have them in really and Mum would have put them out if they were at home

So we got ready then we dropped the piglets off with their morning salad at mum's so she didnt need to come for them - then I could avoid seeing my dad! We then headed down to the river trent at 9:30am so it was still a bit chilly but the sun was out and we had a walk along the river. The river is about 10metres at the side of us so its nice. Then we grabbed the flask from the car which had herbal tea in it and we sat at a bench by the car and had some tea in the sun. It was nice and peaceful as not many people were out. Then we came home.

But I was so done after that!! god yeah, that did me in a bit. So I basically sat round til lunch. I had lunch and went to bed for 2 hours! 

I got up and was drawing Jack's sister's birthday card, I havent finished it. I went to then make a cake for something to snack on but it didnt make that much mixture cus I didnt want to use all my bananas up. But its something to eat I guess. Then I sat looking at accessories online, I am yet to place my evil order X3

We did dinner which was salad, my salad looks so small in comparison to Jack's as I cant have half the stuff we usually put on it T^T he still ate his faster than me tho! how!?

Oz has had so much fuss today. he is doing well on my diet XD he keeps getting little bits here and there. He likes it when I do art in the living room with him ^^

Right Im gonna go for a bath I think then maybe order stuff

we booked the bikes as well for when we go away this week. Jack did the very foolish thing and dared to look at the weather forecast for when we're away....yup rain all 3 days! its been so good for weeks and when we go away. IT RAINS. but this is british weather forecast. They struggle and fail to predict the oncoming hour so I am not sweating days in advance cus it will all change and probably be wrong!

tomorrow

mummy says she will see me as she has something for me and a flapjack for jack. she knows I cant have cake so I wonder what she has install for me. I didnt know she was picking us up anything. 

But in the morning we are going to the next town/village 10mins away for a lot of shopping. Just stuff you need to run a household not fun shopping. But we have needed to go for a month! but havent been able to cus of my health. I also need to bank a cheque and go pet shop for Ozwald. Gotta spend some money on the loaf

so how have I not lost weight?

 Konbanwa~~

I was sleeping last night then was awoken at 11:40pm with awful awful stomach pain. Like the actual stomach part. It HURT. I didnt know what to do with myself. No position would help. So I got up and sat in a ball/mushroom position on the sofa with the hot bag on my stomach and simply waited for this pain to pass. It was 1:30am til it eventually eased off enough for me to lay down. I have no idea what that was all about. I had to spend quality time on the toilet when I woke up >.>

Jack weighed me this morning like he did last saturday. He said I had maintained my weight....how

how is that possible considering what I have been surviving off. I said "youre lying" he said "no Im not. Youve maintained" I think  he was lying so not to trigger my eating disorder.

little does he know that lying had the opposite effect on my head

it massively messed with my head

why havent I lost weight?

surely I am still eating too much

if I wasnt on the diet and eating normally, what weight would I have gained? 

that kinda thing

I tried not to pay it too much attention and told my self that I have surely lost some weight this week. Not that I am on the diet for weight loss, but the suffering I am enduring, losing weight would make me feel better about the suffering. 

We put the pets out

put them home and went food shop, got fuel, got a parcel. I was knackered

we sat down then made soup whilst soup was cooking I cleaned Oz out and cleaned the bathroom. Ate lunch and died on my bed. I was done

when I woke up I went for a half hour walk by myself as Jack was gaming with Theo

then sat on my laptop and bought Jack and jacket as I noticed today his has gone a bit sun bleached. 

we did dinner, had a bit of stomach ache after dinner of course but I still sat with the girls

I cant believe how jealous Oz gets when I pay them any attention tho. He doesnt like the attention not being on him! I could never bring another bun home, it would upset him massively! 

I had a bath and now doing diary

basically didnt get time for any ME time today so tomorrow I am doing what the hell I like.

might go for a walk with Jack in the morning and make some cards for people after that.

getting a letter home about my absence...

 pyon~

Well done to me I have made it through my week ^^

I couldnt sleep last night cus I ached ><  so I got up with Jack just til 10:30pm to take pain killers. I then fell asleep. I have been sleeping pretty well this week.

I woke up this morning and felt so done in, but I could no face working from home. Especially with such a randy bunny >.> so I went to work~

Work was ok

Head of science pulled me aside and said I would receive a letter home in regards to my 14 day absence. I instantly panicked but he said it would be about an informal meeting happening between me, him, Jack and someone from the trust. He said its just to check in with how stuff is. Nothing to worry about it. I shall choose to believe him.

I got my day done anyway. I came home to find sows! I squeezed them I put them outside with Oz. Oz came in when I went to bed but I left the girls out as they were safe and happy and even after my 2 hour sleep they were still out and eating the grass. They must have been full of grass!

My brother and his girlfriend came over to borrow the switch dock cus she forgot hers and they stayed 40mins. I then was trying to plan next weeks menu which is hard when I have zero brain cells and a dull diet....

Jack came home and we talked on the bed a bit then did dinner.

Jack told Oz off for humping me the 3rd time today XD he is randy bunny today

Its 6:15pm and I havent done any exercise yet today! my body is so tired tho i am unsure what I can even do >< but I might sit with the girls first then ether exercise or bath

tomorrow

food shop in the morning and got Oz to clean out

I am so glad I was able to do this week

last day tomorrow and I get the sows!

 Evening~~

I slept pretty well again last night and woke up just before my alarm - I prefer it this way, I hate waking up to an alarm, I like waking up on my terms

I could tell when I got up this morning that I was running out of steam. I wanted to go school but knew I would struggle with my fatigue today

Got to school and had my first practical to do since returning - there has been other biology practicals to do but Jack did them for me. I managed it, I felt it took me longer than normal cus I needed to get into the swing of it again like making up chemicals etc but Jack was there for me ^^

I helped a bit in one class too

and did sitting down jobs and got all my jobs done but I had had enough. Jeez Id had enough

I keep being hungry 45mins into my shift T^T so i have one snack then an hour or so later I have my second snack ><; 

I came home and had lunch with mummy and Oz

Then went to bed for 2 hours as I was so tired ><

woke up and did 30mins of yoga but it was hard going I had no energy. Its hard being on this diet and still recovering your digestive organs as I am not eating energy rich foods and not getting everything from the food I am eating. So life is very hard right now! But I have to try and do some exercise each day. 

Then I made lunch for Jack he has such a good lunch tomorrow! made a start on dinner. Ate dinner far to quick as I was ravenous so I had bad tummy ache after my dinner I know it wasnt helped by how fast I did eat but I was just so desperate to have food in me! Whilst recovering on the floor with my hot bag I watched Jack and Oz groom one another its so sweet. jack using a brush obviously! 

Im gonna have a bath then slather steroid cream all over my face and neck as my eczema is so sore now. 

Then it will be anime and switchs in bed.

tomorrow is friday, last day of term and also the day the sows come!

Jack has said I can work from home if needed but I really dont want to. I shall see how I am tomorrow if I feel I can get through the day and safely drive home. Mum will drop the sows off mid morning

i dont want to work from home but I also need to be grateful at how well I have done this week. I have done much better than I thought. I went from nothing to being back on my 4 hour shifts   

made an olaf

 Evening

I slept pretty well last night. I woke up at 5:50am to the sound of Jack 'screaming' in his sleep. Did not know he could go so high pitched! I woke him up as I thought he must be having a nightmare. And he was. So I was glad I woke him. I decided to get up tho as I knew if I fell asleep Id be annoyed at the alarm in a short amount of time.

So we had a leisurely morning~

school was ok I guess. Julia had had all on with her cat in the night, she looked shattered. Jack ended up taking her home with a cage from a science teacher so she could lock the cat up. Her cage hasnt arrived yet and he needs to be locked up for 6-8 weeks bless him. I felt sicky anxious when he left as I was worried about people needing stuff and I didnt have him there to help. So I hid in Julia's prep room for 15mins as I knew he wouldnt be too long

Then a teacher came to say she was needing to make a big Olaf for her daughters birthday this weekend so she could play pin the carrot on Olaf. I offered to do this for her ^^ I enjoyed myself. I left it for her as I had to go home and she was in lesson. Jack said she LOVED it, well worth doing. I didnt take as many breaks as I was bit fixated on doing the Olaf art >< also Jack was upstairs in Julia's prep room like the whole time disposing of chemicals so he wasnt around to tell me to go for breaks. I got all my other jobs done, I was doing Olaf all morning but it was fun to do. I took a picture so I will show it one day

I got home and mum was here, I sorted my thai curry out I had put on before school, had lunch with mummy we talked about ADHD and autism, as you do. I waited for the washer to finish so I didnt get to bed til 2pm and then when I woke up it was 4pm. I went in the garage with Oz to make up the girls cage as theyre staying on friday ^^ cant wait

Jack came home and we watched the teaser for scarlet and violet which wasnt anything great I have to say....then we had dinner. I got tummy ache from food. 

I need to have a bath and maybe do some yoga, done no exercise today! Im not getting round to art today cus I keep sleeping for 2 hours! but I am so tired ><

Oz has demanded so much fuss today its been lovely. Think I have had 3 full face washes from him. I love him and always give him fuss if he wants it. I never ignore him. 

Tomorrow

school and seeing mummy. 

putting myself down, getting upset cus I am hungry and tired

 Yo~nn

I was struggling last night. I was looking at jobs and decided I couldnt do any of them due to my health or even if I did get the job that they would be disappointed me as Id no doubt have time off cus of my health. Then in bed I started doubting myself as a technician. Saying I was crap and a let down in the team. Jack cuddled me and told me how good I was as a technician. Bless him, its always me in the relationship with the emotional breakdowns, making his tshirt wet with tears. He said "I feel you have a lot more to be upset about than me. Youre poorly after all" hes so understanding and amazing. 

At the end of the day I was simply tired and hungry. Thats what triggered all this off -____- not my proudest moment. I had to get up for more pain killers as being upset ramped up my pain and my head was killing me.

this morning I woke up 10mins before my alarm so I woke Jack up with a cuddle. Kinda didnt feel like going school ><

school was ok tho. I got a txt from Julia saying her cat had broke its leg last night so she was having to take him to the vets. So we covered for her. She came in at 10am and her phone rang - the vets saying she needed to collect her cat and take him to a specialist vets to have plates put in his leg. Poor kitty. So glad she has pet insurance as its costing £4000.....eye watering

so she went and never returned cus she needed to get across town in a taxi

I went to see Lizi and the new art technician Kimberley! shes so lovely  and so young! shes 21 and from hong kong originally. I am glad shes wanting to be our friend ^^ Jack said she felt comfortable enough to come eat lunch with him and chris joined too. I was glad Jack hadnt been alone all afternoon

I had lunch with mummy then went to bed, woke up at 3:15pm. I went for a 20min walk I wanted to g longer but that was the most I could manage. I have zero energy!

I got back and made Jack's lunch for tomorrow again. I dont have to but I like to try make his life easier and he says I always make tasty lunch ^^ i love doing things for him.

I then made a start on dinner as I was hungry and wanted to eat as soon as jack came through the door.

I really should do some art but unsure what to do and I am so tired. Maybe I should just be grateful I am back at work instead of putting extra stress on myself.

I will go for my bath now

Oz is cute. I love him. I spend so much time with that bun. I hope Julia's cat will be ok

tomorrow school

I managed to return to school

 Evening

Im so hungry T^T I have been hungry allllll day TT^TT

I had a banana before bed as I was hungry. Woke up hungry. Everything I eat doesnt fill me for long. Food I fancy eating, I cant eat. The food I can eat doesnt fill or satisfy me. Life sucks >.>

so anyway, I slept thank god. As I was returning to work today

I wasnt too anxious ether so I could tell I was ready to return

I was warmly welcomed back but the department wasnt happy cus of who they have employed as our new head of department, that happened on friday. No one likes the decision but no surprise there. If youre a straight white male - youll get the job and the top jobs at that, at the school. Way it is. we all know it. sad isnt it.

So today my morning felt like a hard slog because I had zero energy. I got my jobs done tho - somehow. Then I was doing sitting down jobs that Jack gave me. Then chris came to talk to us which was nice as I havent seen him for weeks. He was telling me about new art tech and showed me a photo, she seems nice so I want to meet her ^^

I came home and saw mum for literally an hour whilst I ate lunch as I was so exhausted and in need of my bed. As soon as I went to bed I slept for almost 2 hours.

usually I would wake up and have a brew with Oz but no can do and I am not enjoying fruit teas.

so I grabbed my picnic blanket and grabbed my rabbit and went and did 30mins of yoga outside

I then did a load of food prep. Did tonights salad - meant I could snack on stuff - I did Jack's lunch and I prepped tomorrows dinner cus I need to put it in the slow cooker tomorrow

Jack is late coming home cus its war hammer day at school, hes on his way home and should be back just after 6pm. so  i am just waiting round for him.

I have zero energy or brain power for anything. I really should start some art work tho. not sure what tho!

tomorrow is school

I hope I can manage it

my diet is making life so damn difficult. It was kinda nice to be back. I wanna try not work from home tho as I dont like working from home. I think Oz coped with us both going to work today XD

Id kill for a brew already

 Evening

I cleaned the bathroom and painted my nails and played okami in bed. But I had a bad headache and stomach pains. At 10pm I went to get a cuddle from Jack, he soon came off his game with Theo - not cus I asked him to - but because they both had enough. Jack had been hyperfixating as he does on games, his eyes were bloodshot from not blinking and he hadnt moved in 3 hours....

It took me til 11pm+ to get off to sleep cus I was in a bit of discomfort

I woke up at 8am, I honestly wanted to sleep in longer but I knew I had pulled pork to put in the slow cooker T^T so I got up. Jack had been up half hour, entertaining the bunny XD

I didnt quite know what to do with my day. I needed to cook meat as I didnt have any breakfast so I sat cooking my meat and Jack's bacon for his lunches.

I asked him what to do today and he said he had a few chores to do and maybe not to push myself to go out. So we didnt go out which I am a bit sad about but I didnt have the energy. Think its my diet. Already I badly miss tea and sugar T^T this is so difficult I hate it. I just want chocolate and other bad things I cant have >.>

I decided to distract myself by going to see my mummy. I opened her front door to find her getting ready to go out. But she soon took off her shoes when she saw me. She was just taking the dog a walk I mean my dad I walk. Dad saw me didnt say a word to me. I sat in the living room with them both, he still didnt look or talk to me. 

I went upstairs to see my brother and it was nice to talk to him, took some stuff from my bedroom to bring here. Dad came up and into my room still didnt say anything. He was wondering round the house waiting to go out like a dog holding its lead. So I told mum I would go as we wouldnt be able to sit and chat cus he wouldnt allow for it. So I left. He saw me leaving but didnt speak to me

I got back and was wondering for an hour why is he like this? hes nicer to his customers than me. Heck he speaks more to the postman! what have I done!? to not speak to me. so rude. I dont want him at my wedding if I get married. What would be the point?

I had lunch with Jack then went on my bed for a couple of hours, I just had no energy, bad headache and tummy ache.

I got up and didnt know what to do so asked Jack if we could go out for a walk in the sun and he kindly came with me ^^ I was tired after that. We came in and had fruit tea then Jack hung my new painting up in the living room. I am pleased with it, got something to look at on that wall finally.

we did dinner together as it was salad and always quicker with 2 people. Jack pitied me for how little I had on my dish but literally because I cant have anything else! It wont be long now til I am starving I know it wont....im only on day 2 give it time. Not sure what snack I will take to school tomorrow

I will go have a pamper in the bath now :) 

tomorrow

I am going school for the first time in over 3 weeks....last school day was 14th september...as 15th I worked from home and 16th I had off in lieu! 

I hope I cope ok. I will take plenty of breaks as I will need them. I hope I dont burn out after one day. i know I have lost a lot of my stamina from being poorly for weeks!

Started my caveman diet

 Evening

I slept ok apart from waking up a lot. Think cus Jack was restless in his sleep, it was waking me up Miss.lightsleeper. We got up for food shopping anyway

I started my diet today, same diet caveman used to eat people say XD so pork for breakfast as all I had in. Jack weighed me too and took the scales away so I wont be tempted >< 

We went shopping, saw my mummy in the shop~ the shop was expensive because I needed more stuff for my diet kinda thing. Jack doesnt mind and rather I have actual food to eat.

We got home and I collapsed on my bed, I was honestly quite done in to be honest. But Jack motivated me in to actually making some soup for my lunch otherwise Id have no lunch! He kindly chopped up SO much veg including a pumpkin! So I have pumpkin soup for my lunch this week ^^ its really nice actually. Whilst it was cooking we cleaned out Oz together. I needed help with it

After lunch I went to bed for like 3 hours. Not to sleep for all of it but just rest. I felt like I had nothing to give. I was energyless. day 1 of diet huh DX 

I got up to find Jack and Oz asleep. Think the house must have been stuffy. So I motivated Jack and we went for a walk whilst the sun was out. Oz was booted out whilst we went for a walk. I was disappointed I hadnt been able to go to the shops I wanted to go to last weekend. But its no big deal really.

we got back and had a cup of herbal tea. I MISS TEA already XD I cant have milk or sugar and black tea with out milk and sugar is disgusting! so I am on herbal tea

I went to make dinner which was my omubeans. But I cant have BBQ sauce or beans so I had to go without - serve mine up - then add the usual stuff to Jack's dinner.  He enjoyed it. I didnt mind mine but it massively missed the BBQ sauce.

Then I trimmed Jack's hair he needed a sheer. Hes had a shower and gone to game with Theo. I will go shower then probably clean the bathroom. I will do my nails tonight as well. Might as well busy myself as I am alone. I am glad hes playing with Theo tho

tomorrow

might go shops but depends on how I feel. Got a load of food to cook as per usual for a sunday

I must say, I have not had crippling stomach ache today!!!!!!!!!!!!! first time since August. its nice to feel the rewards straight away. I have had a bit of pain but nothing compared to how its been. I have til christmas to do this. When I go on holiday I will try to stick to my diet as much as I ca but will be difficult as I wont have much control over my food. 

just hope I dont drop too much weight. I have weight to lose but I dont wanna lose loads and look sickly again...

My hellish Paleo diet starts tomorrow

 Evening

God I could not sleep last night, I couldnt lay down without being in horrendous pain in my intestines. So I was up til 2:15am. I did keep going back to bed to try sleep but the pain was far too much. I was up playing okami and watching youtube. All very dull when you just want sleep!

I hit the alarm to shut up at 6am and fell back to sleep, didnt even register that Jack left the house. I needed sleep. I woke up at 9am. My stomach still hurting. 

I got ready and mum picked me up at 11am. We went to a garden centre. We ordered tea and cake. It took AGES to come. seriously I have cooked meals in less time. I got a milky bar brownie it was SOOOO sweet, I couldnt finish it so I wrapped it up and took it home for Jack to consume. We looked round a bit of the garden centre but not all of it as Id had enough. I was also having a hot sweat. I got a new oil for the diffuser and some more cacti soil.

Mum dropped me off home

I didnt have lunch til 2pm as I didnt feel like it and couldnt face settling my stomach off. I ate it and there was that pain! I sat doing some drawing as I wanted to plan out some art work. I laid on my bed for an hour. But once Jack came home I knew Id have food to do, food to EAT

I honestly couldnt face my dinner and mum gave me homemade cakes too. And whilst these past few days I have been over eating trying to enjoy food and put weight on, I just couldnt bring myself to eat dinner. I knew I wouldnt be able to get out of it. I ate and yup I have the dreadful pain that I wont escape from now til when I fall asleep tonight. Wonder if I will be able to sleep? Its like laying on a brick, its a dull bruised pain that you cant escape from 

So tomorrow I am starting my diet in the hopes to take away some inflammation before I go away with Jack. I have meat in the fridge for breakfast. I am not looking forward to the diet but it am looking forward to not being in pain, digesting properly, not having a noisy uncomfortable stomach, sleeping without discomfort and actually getting energy from my food.

We did say we would go out for cake tomorrow me and Jack but not sure I want to. I have had enough of food. I will get him to weigh me in the morning before the weekly food shop

I hope the food shop doesnt tire me out for the rest of the week like it did last week -_____-

so yeah I start tomorrow :/ its not easy or fun but gotta be done. luckily I have plenty of weight on me so when I drop weight I wont go boney. First time I did the diet I could see my ribs! 

wish me luck~

going for my last bit of cake tomorrow

 Evening

I am still just getting better

mummy is gonna take me out for cake tomorrow :) making the most of food before my diet starting at the weekend T^T

Thats all~

oh I got trim truffs today and she was good girl

yesterday we had had the girls 3 years ^^

finished my painting today too~

So poorly yesterday that I threw up - first time in 14 years!

 Evening all~~

so yesterday I was not good

I achieved NOTHING with my day

I was the same old in the morning, saw mum for lunch, did a short walk with her. Felt exhausted and dizzy and had zero brain cells. But all morning and afternoon my thermostat was broken - I was having so many hot sweats followed by goosebumps. Also I was STARVING like nothing touched my stomach. I ate and ate and ate, followed each and everytime going to the toilet!

 

then at 2:45 I suddenly felt poorly. I was in my jumper and thick joggers, in my winter dressing gown under my duvet which had a fleece blanket over the top. I had my laptop playing next to me videos on youtube to do with food.

I was aware I was dripping with sweat but I couldnt bare to get cold and I had goosebumps. I felt very poorly. I wanted to eat as I felt starved but I couldnt tell you what food I would want to eat. I watched endless food videos.

Jack came home at 4:30pm to find me in the same position with tears running down my face. I didnt know what to do with myself. I just wasnt well. I could tell Jack was worried. Eventually at 5pm I picked myself up, knowing dinner wouldnt happen without me. Luckily it involved microwaving 2 things and making 1 omelette so it was simple enough.

I ate the food knowing I would end up in the bathroom afterwards. But I couldnt go as I dont think, after 8 times, I had anything else to give!

I wanted something refreshing and found pure orange juice in the fridge.

I drank a glass whilst Jack was doing the washing up

as soon as I drank it I thought "I shouldnt have had that"

I walked in to the bathroom feeling sick

said to Jack "Jack I feel sick"

then next thing I knew I had my head in the toilet and chucked up 3 times

bye bye dinner

Now I havent been sick since July 2008. Very specific date huh. Thats because I remember it so well, I had caught a dreadful sickness virus from  my mum and missed my art GCSE! Luckily I was able to sit it a week later. But I have not been sick since then no matter how many times I spat into the toilet thinking and feeling I was gonna chuck up, I never did. Despite the amount of medication I have been on and my bad anxiety. I am good at keeping my guts in. I also dont drink so I have no alcohol fuelled vomit to speak of.

I honestly thought the next time I would be sick, because it has been so long, that I would go into shock or cry or have some sort of reaction.

I threw up 3 times, sat on the floor in the bathroom and felt this instant calm and relief wash over me. I felt SO much better for being sick. It was instant relief.

Jack doesnt do sick he says if he sees it or is near it he will also be sick. So once he heard I had done he got me cold flannel and drink of water. He looked at me with concern and said "do you think we need to have you looked at?" I said "nah I wil be fine" of course I was slightly concerned as to what the hell was wrong with me but I knew id get better, right? ^^;

so I rested but the adrenaline wore off and I felt rotten again, my stomach aching from being sick.

I managed to have a bath then I asked Jack to do my meds

He said "Jo you didnt take your morning medication, its still in your pill pot".....oo...hh....

crap

well at least we know what was wrong with me! I was sweaty and shivery due to withdrawal!!! Not sure what the sickness was about and we will never know really.

So I caught up on my meds and felt better for that! the dizzyness and sweating went.

It took me til 11:30pm to get to sleep. Poor Jack had a gin, think I had stressed him out.

He came home to find me a sweaty shivering mess in the bed, threw up, looked like death

so today

I slept through the night and made sure once I was up I took my bloody meds! wasnt going through that again!

I felt better

honestly today I do feel more myself

I still get intestine pain when I eat but i havent had to go toilet today as I have nothing to give right now! so  today I spaced out my food as best as I could so not to overload my stomach all at once with food.

I managed some painting, I had 2 sleeps, when Jack came home we did a bit of a walk and got rained on T^T and i had booted Oz out whilst we went and he got wet! He doesnt have the common sense to go under cover....

so yes today I definitely feel much better! I am on the mend

we have talked about my stomach issues tho as I hurt each time I eat. So Jack would like me to go on the diet this coming week so I can maybe help my stomach before we go away as any pub food or desserts will finish me off. i cant wait to have a better tummy I must say.

so thats been me

I have ruined my 14 year record tho T^T hopefully I will improve from here. 

Tomorrow I am having a go with gold leaf on my painting and seeing mummy.

right now cus I know that diet is days away I am eating anything i damn well want! I am scoffing loads cus I will miss it so bad soon!!