Off the rails

Im currently off the rails some what

I can't remember the last time when things got this bad

I've cried a lot

I've made others upset by watching me
seeing who I truly am upset Adam
when Im bad my own mother struggles to look at me
and I scare her.

Stuff has come to light
stuff I dont know how to deal with and could be waiting
up to 6 months for the correct mental help.

Im not suicidal or self harming
Im just struggling that's all
I am alive
but doing my diary hasnt interested me in the slightest

when I am more myself I will update about manchester

13th August I have festival of quilts with Lynn too
something Ive waited for for a long time
yet im struggling to find enjoyment in it
im sure I can plaster on a fake self 

I believe this is the year I am suppose to get better
after living with something for 13 years
this is the year it will change
I am confident of that much

Psychodynamic Therapy

Evening~~

I got up this morning at 8am
the morning went pretty slowly
I was getting the odd thing ready for tomorrow

I arrived at therapy a lil early
I was so anxious I was just in knots
I dont know how I even got breakfast down me
She called me through
and she talked about what we had talked about last time
my demons that I never share with anyone 
I showed her some more of my art
one of which she liked (again)
so we talked about that
She got me to speak more about my demons
and how it affects my day to day life

She came to the conclusion that CBT might not be for me...
Apparently my 'condition' needs more specialist help
I am by no means crazy (she says) and my 'condition' is not uncommon
other people do suffer from it I am not alone and there is help out there
but for me to get better I need to be referred to 
Psychodynamic Therapy 
never heard of it
I had to have it explained to me 
but she says what I am presenting to her sounds a lot like 'shadow'
She explained a bit about it and I was shocked when I thought 
''that sounds like me!!''
so I gave her permission to refer me
It could take up to 6 months to be seen though...
So she says in the mean time she will keep seeing me, setting me goals and things to do and stuff, just so im not left alone for months and she says it will be good to start these things before the other therapy but she can not treat my real issues hence why I need the other therapy instead.

I left to get to adam's house
then we went to a lil town
went charity shop shopping of course
picked up a cute necklace, a peach lacy top, a black skirt with birds on
so not a bad turn out all for £9 not bad huh and the skirt was brand new ;) 
We went for a pub lunch
came free with desert which was a brownie chocice I have never had one before
it was good but I didnt want to see food for a long time
the pool table sat free behind us
so we had 1 game which I won - i was on form ;)
next game he won didnt he
at this point I was happy to call it a draw
but no mr.competetive wanted a 3rd game to crown a damn winner
i won X3 have that!!!!

We came back home
I got Oz in my room for adam to play with him
I stitched a couple of buttons on my cosplay and got a few other things ready
then I sat with him and talked and time soon went really 

Then it was yoga which was good actually to say my mind was else where
came home not wanting dinner so i had a piece of bread and soup
i could have gone without but mum doesnt let me off the hook like that
As I had a minute I decided to google "psychodynamic therapy shadow"
and what came up just freaked me out a bit actually
cus it was all me it really was even down to feeling like your demons resemble a wolf
i have drawn 2 wolves now. Just other pieces I read was exactly like me
almost as if I already knew about this and decided to copy it myself
which I obviously didn't
so this therapy looks for me for sure
finally might be getting help for something that has had me for the last 12 years

Anyway tomorrow
big big day! I have been looking forward to it since forever it feels like!!!
I'M GOING MANCHESTER!!!
wooooooo X3 
I can not wait!
although I am incredibly anxious and will be until I get to the hotel
but it will be good im sure
I am back 31st July at lunch time
so no blogging or drawings for a few days
but I will come home with a load of photos ;)

Here is my Arcanine~

More Japanese Cosmetics~

Evening~

I couldn't seem to get on my blog last night
internet had crashed :/ 
But yesterday I hardly did anything

I had 5 hours sleep and got up in the night for pain killers and a hot chocolate
as I couldnt bare to lay there any longer
its been a long time since ive got up in the night like that
so in the morning i was shattered
id slept twice during the day i felt like a zombie
i managed to do another picture
and i cut out fabric for my door stop
that was it oh i did do something good tho
i went to see karen's new house!
It was really nice and quite modern but homey 
i gave her the present i made her - 15 bunting flags :3 
she gave me a tour of the downstairs of her house
and i have half hour back massage

Today I slept for 12 hours
it goes from one extreme to another!!
I did take sleeping tablets but I could not wake up
I felt drugged up this morning I was so sluggish and light headed
god knows what was up with me
i did wake up eventually
took a good hour to come to my senses 
I felt like id wasted the day
come 1pm i felt like i could go to sleep
but i refused to waste any more of my day in bloody bed!!!

I finished the door stop :3
It looks pretty cute I guess
I like it better than my old one anyway :) thats the main thing
I couldnt design my jacket yesterday but today
ive come up with the idea of making the jacket longer almost coat like

I wrote down the list of stuff ive got to take to manchester with me :)
I havent packed any of yet cus im not that keen XD
i will do tomorrow tho
I wanted to use my evening to decide which clothes i would be taking
but sadly i spent my evening looking at korean and japanese make-up products
here's some i waited 8 weeks for!

One is like a make-up base that was highly rated and i have used it once
and was very very impressed, it was worth it's money anyway
second thing is like hair chalk but hair creme instead 
i got pink colour naturally :) Im yet to give it ago

I plan on drawing a picture after my shower tonight
which is what i will do next after blogging 
I have been keeping up with my drawing
but havent been photographing  >< i will i will

Tomorrow
ugh
i want tomorrow to come cus then i can see adam i havent seen him since sunday cus hes been working all this week and he sounds tired actually
but then i dont want tomorrow to come as i have therapy
and im so very very anxious about it
after therapy im meeting adam for some lunch then coming home here 
got to spend time with my Oz before manchester
i fussed his face big time this morning actually he was so cute and happy in my room X3

Double treats and japanese hair dye

Evening~~

Yesterday I went to town with Adam
I picked up a fair few bits so it was worth going
nothing of real importance 
I wanted to pick up a mini sketch book (smaller than A5)
and a mechanical pencil but I wasnt having much luck finding them
Adam asked someone in a store as we were directed to an art store
We eventually found some a pack of 3 then a pack of 4 mechanical pencils
he ended up buying them for me //>.<//
I always feel guilty when people buy me stuff
like I havent done anything to earn it
I used to really protest against until Karen told me
"to refuse to take is denying someone the act of giving"
So he brought me those
I now have a sketch book and pencil in each of my bags :3

Later on after id paid for lunch (food seems to be the only I can buy for him!)
we went forbidden planet I was kinda annoyed to find it had been changed around
and it took me ages to find anything >.> 
They had a fair bit of pokemon in including ninetails and arcanine plushies!
Me and adam we debating which one we liked best
as much as I love ninetails theres something about arcanine I like better
maybe its the fire bits and the fangs X3
Anyway whilst I was trying to find stuff adam had gone and brought me an arcanine 
/////>.<////
Honestly I didnt bring him shopping just so he could spend on me
he told me arcanine is not for my bed but for my desk or cabinet X3 
I told him mum would have him for buying me a plush 
turns out she didnt
perhaps thats boyfriend privileges as she's banded the rest of my friends from buying me plushies.
It is nice being treated to stuff, or so i tell myself. i just feel bad and straight think "what can i do/get for them in return?" i feel instantly in debt. maybe thats not normal im not sure but its how i feel. adam seems happy to do it tho but on the way home i told him
"i dont ever expect you to buy me stuff, it really is fine. i dont want to  feel that you have to buy me stuff to keep me cus im not like that. i love you for you not your wallet"
he said "i know but i like to treat you"
"you dont need to tho, you're my treat in life"
he seems happy to have a girlfriend to treat tho i guess 
so i will think of something in return

we came back to his house
were I literally died on his bed
i was shattered 
he left me for an hour but i did not sleep
i was so cold almost like my blood wasnt circulating 
he came to check up on me i said "i'm cold"
that was all the invitation he needed from looks of it
cus next thing i know he was laying next to me and hugged my body to his as i shivered against him jeez he was warm it was so good and comforting 
i knew he was tired as he has been last 2 days and as i laid there i realised he'd dropped off to sleep!! X3 I could not believe it cus i have like never seen the guy sleep so i made sure i watched him a bit 
we had dinner with his family i was so tired and cold
i had 3 layers on even tho it was 20c
adam kept feeling my body and telling me i was in fact warm but i felt like ice
after dinner and a few round of dominoes (i won 4 games in a row i might add)
i came home
showered
Oz 
Bed

My brother had completed his first 2 shifts at work
and seems to be doing alright actually thank god
he's there again tomorrow

Today I was shattered
I had spent the night in pain tossing and turning
and ether sweating hot or shivering cold
my thermostat has gone a bit of out whack it would seem!
so i was truly tired and by 10am i found myself asleep on my bed in my dressing gown
i hadnt even got dressed or brushed my hair
i woke up at 12pm
i stitched the bunting up and its finished and wrapped
good job too as im seeing karen tomorrow!!!!
he new house X3 it looks easy to get to on google maps

After lunch i went for a 25min up and down hill bike ride
i thought it would get me going but obviously not
i got in the house knackered
it was nice to get out whilst it wasnt raining tho
as it had rained all day
i decided again rounders as i didnt fancy slipping around of wet grass
knowing me id do an injury and ruin my holidays
plus i wasnt even sure if it was still on 

since then I have been trying to design a new hoodie
but failing
so i started getting templates together for my new door stop
i wanted big black toy eyes but we were looking at £4+!!!
I could buy a new door stop for that
so I cracked out my clay and forged my own damn it!!
they seem alright im using them anyway :)  saved a bit of money

Oz has been lazy
and last night he was a bit moody with me
turns out he hadn't had a single treat so i put that to right :) 

might do some drawing tonight as I didnt do any last 
far too tired and late

tomorrow just got karen really
and may clean my car
but knowing me i'll sod the car and do the door stop X3
I could see adam but i'll see

Here's some japanese hair dye im gonna try on friday!

Never used it before but the shade looks lovely 

New Converse!! (again!)

Konbanwa~~

I didn't sleep well at all
the rain kept waking me
that and sound of people playing out in the rain
just what the hell!? 

I woke up at 8am
I decided to get up as I knew mum was going for her
park run at 8:15am
so I had the pets indoors as they couldnt play out
it wasnt raining but it was certainly wet to say the least!
I cleaned them out Oz didnt help mum
I did offer him a new treat I brought
usually rabbits or animals in general, sniff new food before sampling it
I suppose a bit like we do when we're introduced to new food
with Oz no, its "yeah I'll ave that"
just takes it and eats not sure he even tasted it
that boy loves his food! Ive never had a rabbit eat so much dry food and treats before!

I got some sewing done in the morning :)
Then I got ready to go over to adam's house
I waited for mum to get back around 10:30am

When at adams I sat with him and his family having a brew
then he went to go get food
I had skipped breakfast and wanted to skip lunch but no such luck
but to be honest what he did buy me was really good
anyway I wasnt in the mood to walk up the hills I was tired
and had a headache
so I offered to paint his mum's nails whilst he went
thats what I did, she now has cherries on her nails :3
she was dead pleased with them ^^

I showed his parents my doodles I'd done
wondered just what they thought of some of the ones I had done!
But his mum said she loved the wolf one and last night's drawing too
they both agreed that they were very good

We ate lunch
then sat on the sofa for a bit just messing around and talking
about tomorrow and stuff
then we took our DS's and sat on his bed cus its comfier 
After a while he just cuddled me laying down on the bed
telling me this was how we'd sleep together in manchester
he suggested when we go to both sleep naked.....
not happening
I do not sleep naked anyway I am a pajama girl
but the thought of my bare skin being on a foreign bed does not sit well with me
call it my cleanliness OCD but I dont think I could do it
but I didnt say that to him I just said to him it would be no hard ship
for him as he only sleeps in boxers anyway!

I left for home and when I got back I did some sewing
all the flags have been stitched ^^
they just need to go on the bias then done!
They look good now sewn and ironed
Oz played in my room whilst I did them

Tomorrow I am going to the city centre with Adam
I want to hunt for a few bits really
then I will go to ether his or my house (hopefully his as I HATE being here on a sunday)
Later I have been invited to stay for dinner at his :)

Oh 'new' converse
second hand like but hardly been worn
they are almost identical to the ones I use now just lighter

they are for the new school term so these are  my new 'work' shoes :)
only £7 can you believe that!?

Another academic year done~

Otsukaresama desu~~~

Man I was shattered when I got up for school this morning
I was cold too, really cold and it was hard to get outta bed I have to say
But I got ready cus it was my last day ^^

I was sooooo busy at school today
I did so much cutting, laminating, sticking
I got so much ready for the new class in september 
it was good to do tho cus I do get bored working with the same
child doing the same things
they were making chocolate then cube boxes to put them in 
so I did help out
the assembly which is usually 30 mins on a friday was an hour
I struggle to sit for the 30 mins so I asked the teacher
if I could do something else
so i carried on with jobs and worked through my break
before I knew it was 12pm!!!!

I went home for lunch
not that I wanted it as there was so many treats in the staff room I snacked on ><
I have had a sugar over dose today to say the least!

After lunch I was in year 4 and the TA wanted me to paint the huge 3D book
I helped make on wednesday
it was a pleasure and honour cus lets face it I love anything creative!
so I sat and did that til the end of the day and gave it a beauty and the beast theme
it was to be a fairy tale and i chose that fairy tale
looks really good the kids loved it and couldnt believe i had made it

speaking of the kids I got loads of stuff today!!!
I got cards, chocolates, cookies, candles
it was so sweet and totally unexpected as well
I brought it all home at lunch time along with the stuff outta my tray

I got home and went straight to bed
not even a brew with mum
i was just done
I woke up at 5 but didnt get up til 5:45pm
i was cosy and warm

I havent done much since then just had dinner and played pokemon
not sure what to do tonight i might dance yet
burn off some calories! 

tomorrow is my usual so going over to adam's for lunch and stuff
before his shift and paint his mum's nails
i want to do cherries on her nails :3 

man i worked so hard im beat

It all started with that 1 drawing

Evening~

I just got back from yoga
it was good actually
only felt like 30mins instead of an hour
we attempted splits

Anyway I had another violent dream last night
i cant recall all the details now I just know there
was a good amount of blood involved
I woke up at 7:30am 

It was lashing it down this morning so all pets were indoors
Oz was so happy to be in my bedroom XD
I got ready for therapy
not wanting to go out in the rain

Therapy well where to start
She asked me if I did my homework I told her yes
and I went on to say I had started doing these 30 min drawings
she asked if I had brought them
I got my sketch book out of my bag
and it all went from there really

She looked through them at her own pace
she then got me to tell her what the picture kinda means/represents 
and what I was feeling at the time when I drew them
it was last night's drawing she was particularly interested in

honestly she even said "Im hooked, I've got to know who this girl is"
she even took a photo of it! for 'reference' she said
so we talked about the picture
I told her things i have NEVER shared with anyone
well I shared a bit with my acupuncturist actually
but apart from him NO ONE knows 
I have never been brave enough to tell anyone
I feared telling anyone
I sat there thinking 'how much should I tell her?'
but I thought 'if I am to get better I need to be honest'
so it was like opening a can of worms
I didnt get upset but I was shaking at the end of it
we spent the whole session on that 1 picture!
I asked her what were going to do before I showed her that picture
she told me she had a sheet ready to start mapping out coping methods 
but she said "I don't feel we can start that yet until I have gotten to the bottom of this girl"
she then went on to say "is it ok if I talk to my supervisor about this? I have a few theories I would like to discuss with her"
I told her it's fine and it was ok to show her the picture as well if she wanted to
I got away with no homework this week!
Going again on thursday

I walked to Boyes with my legs and hands shaking
I picked up a lot actually
I certainly got my money's worth of stuff
I needed to stock up on items and get stuff for Karen's bunting
It's hard to shop for stuff when I have someone with me so I tend to stock up
when I know I am by myself and can go at my leisure 

I came home and had a hot chocolate to try cure the shaking
I sat with my little girls for the 2nd time today :)
Then I went to go put all my purchases away

I sorted out a few bunting flags just pinning stuff - no sewing today D;
Adam arrived so I did us cheese on toast
we sat and talked with a brew 
dad came home so I took adam and Oz upstairs
Oz entertained adam whilst I finished up pinning my bunting 
just so it meant I could put a lot of stuff back instead of keeping it all out 

Then we went out for an ice cream since I was owed it from tuesday
he said I wasnt  owed it at all
but my argument was that because he took so long to shower on tuesday that
we ran out of time to go
I got Vanilla and he kindly paid ><
we walked round charity shops but I got nothing
then he popped into the florist and brought me these ><

So sweet of him. I felt my cheeks burn big style
adam said "you're blushing"
"I am not"
"you really are. You have colour in your cheeks"
"how insulting, are you saying Im usually paled faced hmm?"
"i can clearly see how red they are"
"actually I can feel them burning and blood flowing to them which is unusual for my corpse body"
they are pretty and I arranged them when I got home
when we were at adams we sat with the TV on in the background and talked with his dad, pretty usual stuff really. hayfever has been driving me up the wall today its always worse after the rain.

I left to come home for yoga
and now im here debating whether to draw or not or whether to leave it tonight
I have one idea of a face shrouded in darkness but then I have another idea formed from today which is more happier I have to say XD

My brother got a job today!!
an actual job at 22 years old!
i can not believe it. Im happy for him cus it would have been a very
long boring summer for him
and it does him good to actually have a job

tomorrow I have got my last day of school!
i dont want to go as usual but I know its last shift and to just get it done!