Evening~
I didn't sleep too badly last night
this is night 3 ive had decent sleep ^^ but then I have had one of adam's shirts
for the last 3 nights and tonight I am shirtless ><
I hope I will be alright~
I got up this morning for kick boxing
I thought I would benefit from venting a bit of steam so I thought give it ago
we arrived and everyone was in a damn uniform - which what i didnt want
i want to be able to turn up not buy uniform and do belts
so i said to mum im happy to go home
she said "no give it ago come on"
so we stayed
the warm up about killed me but it felt good
then we got some pads out and began punching i worked with mum
i could tell she enjoyed that and her hits were better than i thought they were
my co-ordination was better than hers tho
then we did kicking which i was rather good at even the instructor came and said I wasnt doing what they had asked to do i was doing a harder technique/kick but i was just doing what felt natural and clearly hadnt listened to what i had to do XD he was impressed tho at how quick i could change legs and how high i could get them
now heres the bit i draw attention to myself
it was the 'warm down' which was harder than the warm up!
we had to run in lines and i noticed there was blood on the floor
i kinda thought "if were running in lines and blood is in my line it must be my blood?"
so i stopped and looked and it was dripping everywhere
id cut my toe open it would seem. a 2cm cut along my big toe
it bled and bled i couldnt believe how much it did bleed and someone got first aid for me
i just sat there and cleaned it up and the guy cleaned up my blood
mum was doing the warm down and i smiled at her to let her know i was ok
turns out from pivoting on my feet i had created a blister (we were bare foot on hard floor) and then running on that blister tore it from the skin
we came home knackered
i went for a shower then went to adams
he'd been and got lunch for me
we sat around i played on pokemon whilst he watched football -_____-
then the last half hour he cuddled with me on his bed and tickled me >.>
I left and sat with my piggies when i got in
we've had pinks 6 years now can you believe!
and then i did some drawing
thats been it really
tired and pray i sleep tonight!
Tomorrow I am going to Rugby to watch adam's final tournament of the year
he's doing javelin shot put and discus his parents are going too
then im stopping for dinner
exhausting day ahead!
do my nails i think tonight
seeing as ive done my mum's and adam's mum's nails today!
oh I wanted to show this i couldnt remember if i showed it or not
Arcanine!
Adam brought it me, it's not to go on my bed it has to go on my desk to watch over me~
i didnt ask for it he just brought it me
i've nicknamed him FangFace
I'm back
I am alive
I just havent been myself and rather over whelmed with my depression
I had no idea it could grab you so badly like it did
anyway Im not gonna blab on about my suffering
I am in need of a good catch up!!!!
I thought I'd start with Manchester as thats where I left off really
So manchester was great I did enjoy myself and Adam bless him looked after me
he really did >< which makes me feel like "i shouldnt need looking after, he'll get fed up of always having to look out for me" which I did express to him but hes so laid back he was fine with it all.
On day one we arrived in the pouring rain it wasnt a very good day to say the least
and we took it easy walking round manchester and we went to an italian for dinner
i had pizza it was amazing and adam treated me
and since nether of us are into clubbing or drinking we just went and grabbed some snacks from the shop and went back to the hotel and played pokemon and ate XD
He cuddled me like all night ^^
In the morning well I wanted to get out and explore the day but adam isnt a morning person so motivating him wasnt too bad but i felt awful getting him up i kept him in bed as long as i could cus lets face it it takes longer for me to get ready than it does him
we basically went shopping really
I offered to go round the football stadium with him but he didnt want to go said it was an hour away via tram and he couldnt be arsed
i wasnt complaining
but then i said we were just spending the day doing what i wanted to do
he said he was fine with that
like i say - laid back
I picked up a few bits and pieces
some fabric for lynn for her birthday (found a craft store finally!)
some incense sticks and holder for mum for christmas
hair bows for yours truly X3
New fairy lights for round my bed as mine have had it. these were cheaper than mine too!!
a hair tie, nyanko-sensei pen, lucky cat bracelet for me
some manga i needed for my collection
after that day of shopping we went and had some oriental street food for dinner it was alright
then went back to the room at night
next day which was the sunday it was the day i was going convention
the previous day i had seen people walking round in cosplay and i so wanted to join in!
So it was good to actually be able to join in
I got up early and got ready I was quite pleased with my make-up
we got in the never ending line at 9:45am the doors open at 10am and there was a lot of people there already and many who followed us!
we took a photo together
I brought a few bits but not as much as usually buy
got a Pote-Usa Loppy bunny, Patamon plushie, Kero phone charm, Pink kitty pen, 2 anime badges
I did enjoy myself i did
but it all felt very samey
it felt like id only been there 2 weeks ago even tho it had been 2 years
nothing had changed, the stalls hadnt changed and even what they were selling on the stalls was the same! it didnt feel fresh and different. I came away thinking "im not arsed about going to conventions anymore" which is sad. so ether i need a break or im growing out of it
i would love to go to a japanese festival/convention tho but they dont happen too often
we got some food about 2pm i hadnt eaten all day and my body was shaking which adam noticed so i could tell he made it his mission to get food down me and to see to it that i was alright
we went back to the room where i slept for an hour
i was drained
i cant remember what else we did with the day just know that we went to a different italian and both had meatballs ^^
Monday came, home day
we managed to get the train fine i didnt feel too good tho
i was just so drained, tired and in pain
adam carried as much as he could to help me
we got on the train and ended up sitting facing a guy same age as us and he'd been convention also (i can tell the type of people who go to cons) we talked all the way home well i talked for most it the first half hour i slept and adam said whilst i slept the guy said i was cute despite adam telling him i was taken XD is that normal? to say if someone is cute in front of their other half? just seemed strange but adam wasnt phased by it.
my mum and brother picked me and took us home adam came home with me for a lil while
and that was manchester
i think our next trip could be whitby next month!
I will keep up to date with my diary and blog
and fill in whats been happening over the last 2+ weeks
Im currently off the rails some what
I can't remember the last time when things got this bad
I've cried a lot
I've made others upset by watching me
seeing who I truly am upset Adam
when Im bad my own mother struggles to look at me
and I scare her.
Stuff has come to light
stuff I dont know how to deal with and could be waiting
up to 6 months for the correct mental help.
Im not suicidal or self harming
Im just struggling that's all
I am alive
but doing my diary hasnt interested me in the slightest
when I am more myself I will update about manchester
13th August I have festival of quilts with Lynn too
something Ive waited for for a long time
yet im struggling to find enjoyment in it
im sure I can plaster on a fake self
I believe this is the year I am suppose to get better
after living with something for 13 years
this is the year it will change
I am confident of that much
Evening~~
I got up this morning at 8am
the morning went pretty slowly
I was getting the odd thing ready for tomorrow
I arrived at therapy a lil early
I was so anxious I was just in knots
I dont know how I even got breakfast down me
She called me through
and she talked about what we had talked about last time
my demons that I never share with anyone
I showed her some more of my art
one of which she liked (again)
so we talked about that
She got me to speak more about my demons
and how it affects my day to day life
She came to the conclusion that CBT might not be for me...
Apparently my 'condition' needs more specialist help
I am by no means crazy (she says) and my 'condition' is not uncommon
other people do suffer from it I am not alone and there is help out there
but for me to get better I need to be referred to
Psychodynamic Therapy
never heard of it
I had to have it explained to me
but she says what I am presenting to her sounds a lot like 'shadow'
She explained a bit about it and I was shocked when I thought
''that sounds like me!!''
so I gave her permission to refer me
It could take up to 6 months to be seen though...
So she says in the mean time she will keep seeing me, setting me goals and things to do and stuff, just so im not left alone for months and she says it will be good to start these things before the other therapy but she can not treat my real issues hence why I need the other therapy instead.
I left to get to adam's house
then we went to a lil town
went charity shop shopping of course
picked up a cute necklace, a peach lacy top, a black skirt with birds on
so not a bad turn out all for £9 not bad huh and the skirt was brand new ;)
We went for a pub lunch
came free with desert which was a brownie chocice I have never had one before
it was good but I didnt want to see food for a long time
the pool table sat free behind us
so we had 1 game which I won - i was on form ;)
next game he won didnt he
at this point I was happy to call it a draw
but no mr.competetive wanted a 3rd game to crown a damn winner
i won X3 have that!!!!
We came back home
I got Oz in my room for adam to play with him
I stitched a couple of buttons on my cosplay and got a few other things ready
then I sat with him and talked and time soon went really
Then it was yoga which was good actually to say my mind was else where
came home not wanting dinner so i had a piece of bread and soup
i could have gone without but mum doesnt let me off the hook like that
As I had a minute I decided to google "psychodynamic therapy shadow"
and what came up just freaked me out a bit actually
cus it was all me it really was even down to feeling like your demons resemble a wolf
i have drawn 2 wolves now. Just other pieces I read was exactly like me
almost as if I already knew about this and decided to copy it myself
which I obviously didn't
so this therapy looks for me for sure
finally might be getting help for something that has had me for the last 12 years
Anyway tomorrow
big big day! I have been looking forward to it since forever it feels like!!!
I'M GOING MANCHESTER!!!
wooooooo X3
I can not wait!
although I am incredibly anxious and will be until I get to the hotel
but it will be good im sure
I am back 31st July at lunch time
so no blogging or drawings for a few days
but I will come home with a load of photos ;)
Here is my Arcanine~
Evening~
I couldn't seem to get on my blog last night
internet had crashed :/
But yesterday I hardly did anything
I had 5 hours sleep and got up in the night for pain killers and a hot chocolate
as I couldnt bare to lay there any longer
its been a long time since ive got up in the night like that
so in the morning i was shattered
id slept twice during the day i felt like a zombie
i managed to do another picture
and i cut out fabric for my door stop
that was it oh i did do something good tho
i went to see karen's new house!
It was really nice and quite modern but homey
i gave her the present i made her - 15 bunting flags :3
she gave me a tour of the downstairs of her house
and i have half hour back massage
Today I slept for 12 hours
it goes from one extreme to another!!
I did take sleeping tablets but I could not wake up
I felt drugged up this morning I was so sluggish and light headed
god knows what was up with me
i did wake up eventually
took a good hour to come to my senses
I felt like id wasted the day
come 1pm i felt like i could go to sleep
but i refused to waste any more of my day in bloody bed!!!
I finished the door stop :3
It looks pretty cute I guess
I like it better than my old one anyway :) thats the main thing
I couldnt design my jacket yesterday but today
ive come up with the idea of making the jacket longer almost coat like
I wrote down the list of stuff ive got to take to manchester with me :)
I havent packed any of yet cus im not that keen XD
i will do tomorrow tho
I wanted to use my evening to decide which clothes i would be taking
but sadly i spent my evening looking at korean and japanese make-up products
here's some i waited 8 weeks for!
One is like a make-up base that was highly rated and i have used it once
and was very very impressed, it was worth it's money anyway
second thing is like hair chalk but hair creme instead
i got pink colour naturally :) Im yet to give it ago
I plan on drawing a picture after my shower tonight
which is what i will do next after blogging
I have been keeping up with my drawing
but havent been photographing >< i will i will
Tomorrow
ugh
i want tomorrow to come cus then i can see adam i havent seen him since sunday cus hes been working all this week and he sounds tired actually
but then i dont want tomorrow to come as i have therapy
and im so very very anxious about it
after therapy im meeting adam for some lunch then coming home here
got to spend time with my Oz before manchester
i fussed his face big time this morning actually he was so cute and happy in my room X3
Evening~~
Yesterday I went to town with Adam
I picked up a fair few bits so it was worth going
nothing of real importance
I wanted to pick up a mini sketch book (smaller than A5)
and a mechanical pencil but I wasnt having much luck finding them
Adam asked someone in a store as we were directed to an art store
We eventually found some a pack of 3 then a pack of 4 mechanical pencils
he ended up buying them for me //>.<//
I always feel guilty when people buy me stuff
like I havent done anything to earn it
I used to really protest against until Karen told me
"to refuse to take is denying someone the act of giving"
So he brought me those
I now have a sketch book and pencil in each of my bags :3
Later on after id paid for lunch (food seems to be the only I can buy for him!)
we went forbidden planet I was kinda annoyed to find it had been changed around
and it took me ages to find anything >.>
They had a fair bit of pokemon in including ninetails and arcanine plushies!
Me and adam we debating which one we liked best
as much as I love ninetails theres something about arcanine I like better
maybe its the fire bits and the fangs X3
Anyway whilst I was trying to find stuff adam had gone and brought me an arcanine
/////>.<////
Honestly I didnt bring him shopping just so he could spend on me
he told me arcanine is not for my bed but for my desk or cabinet X3
I told him mum would have him for buying me a plush
turns out she didnt
perhaps thats boyfriend privileges as she's banded the rest of my friends from buying me plushies.
It is nice being treated to stuff, or so i tell myself. i just feel bad and straight think "what can i do/get for them in return?" i feel instantly in debt. maybe thats not normal im not sure but its how i feel. adam seems happy to do it tho but on the way home i told him
"i dont ever expect you to buy me stuff, it really is fine. i dont want to feel that you have to buy me stuff to keep me cus im not like that. i love you for you not your wallet"
he said "i know but i like to treat you"
"you dont need to tho, you're my treat in life"
he seems happy to have a girlfriend to treat tho i guess
so i will think of something in return
we came back to his house
were I literally died on his bed
i was shattered
he left me for an hour but i did not sleep
i was so cold almost like my blood wasnt circulating
he came to check up on me i said "i'm cold"
that was all the invitation he needed from looks of it
cus next thing i know he was laying next to me and hugged my body to his as i shivered against him jeez he was warm it was so good and comforting
i knew he was tired as he has been last 2 days and as i laid there i realised he'd dropped off to sleep!! X3 I could not believe it cus i have like never seen the guy sleep so i made sure i watched him a bit
we had dinner with his family i was so tired and cold
i had 3 layers on even tho it was 20c
adam kept feeling my body and telling me i was in fact warm but i felt like ice
after dinner and a few round of dominoes (i won 4 games in a row i might add)
i came home
showered
Oz
Bed
My brother had completed his first 2 shifts at work
and seems to be doing alright actually thank god
he's there again tomorrow
Today I was shattered
I had spent the night in pain tossing and turning
and ether sweating hot or shivering cold
my thermostat has gone a bit of out whack it would seem!
so i was truly tired and by 10am i found myself asleep on my bed in my dressing gown
i hadnt even got dressed or brushed my hair
i woke up at 12pm
i stitched the bunting up and its finished and wrapped
good job too as im seeing karen tomorrow!!!!
he new house X3 it looks easy to get to on google maps
After lunch i went for a 25min up and down hill bike ride
i thought it would get me going but obviously not
i got in the house knackered
it was nice to get out whilst it wasnt raining tho
as it had rained all day
i decided again rounders as i didnt fancy slipping around of wet grass
knowing me id do an injury and ruin my holidays
plus i wasnt even sure if it was still on
since then I have been trying to design a new hoodie
but failing
so i started getting templates together for my new door stop
i wanted big black toy eyes but we were looking at £4+!!!
I could buy a new door stop for that
so I cracked out my clay and forged my own damn it!!
they seem alright im using them anyway :) saved a bit of money
Oz has been lazy
and last night he was a bit moody with me
turns out he hadn't had a single treat so i put that to right :)
might do some drawing tonight as I didnt do any last
far too tired and late
tomorrow just got karen really
and may clean my car
but knowing me i'll sod the car and do the door stop X3
I could see adam but i'll see
Here's some japanese hair dye im gonna try on friday!
Never used it before but the shade looks lovely
Konbanwa~~
I didn't sleep well at all
the rain kept waking me
that and sound of people playing out in the rain
just what the hell!?
I woke up at 8am
I decided to get up as I knew mum was going for her
park run at 8:15am
so I had the pets indoors as they couldnt play out
it wasnt raining but it was certainly wet to say the least!
I cleaned them out Oz didnt help mum
I did offer him a new treat I brought
usually rabbits or animals in general, sniff new food before sampling it
I suppose a bit like we do when we're introduced to new food
with Oz no, its "yeah I'll ave that"
just takes it and eats not sure he even tasted it
that boy loves his food! Ive never had a rabbit eat so much dry food and treats before!
I got some sewing done in the morning :)
Then I got ready to go over to adam's house
I waited for mum to get back around 10:30am
When at adams I sat with him and his family having a brew
then he went to go get food
I had skipped breakfast and wanted to skip lunch but no such luck
but to be honest what he did buy me was really good
anyway I wasnt in the mood to walk up the hills I was tired
and had a headache
so I offered to paint his mum's nails whilst he went
thats what I did, she now has cherries on her nails :3
she was dead pleased with them ^^
I showed his parents my doodles I'd done
wondered just what they thought of some of the ones I had done!
But his mum said she loved the wolf one and last night's drawing too
they both agreed that they were very good
We ate lunch
then sat on the sofa for a bit just messing around and talking
about tomorrow and stuff
then we took our DS's and sat on his bed cus its comfier
After a while he just cuddled me laying down on the bed
telling me this was how we'd sleep together in manchester
he suggested when we go to both sleep naked.....
not happening
I do not sleep naked anyway I am a pajama girl
but the thought of my bare skin being on a foreign bed does not sit well with me
call it my cleanliness OCD but I dont think I could do it
but I didnt say that to him I just said to him it would be no hard ship
for him as he only sleeps in boxers anyway!
I left for home and when I got back I did some sewing
all the flags have been stitched ^^
they just need to go on the bias then done!
They look good now sewn and ironed
Oz played in my room whilst I did them
Tomorrow I am going to the city centre with Adam
I want to hunt for a few bits really
then I will go to ether his or my house (hopefully his as I HATE being here on a sunday)
Later I have been invited to stay for dinner at his :)
Oh 'new' converse
second hand like but hardly been worn
they are almost identical to the ones I use now just lighter
they are for the new school term so these are my new 'work' shoes :)
only £7 can you believe that!?
