Evening~~
Guess what!!
I slept!! No joke I slept
I could not believe it
I felt so sickly and having a lot of thoughts about being fat last night
mum and dad had a surgery program on and it was making me feel sick
so I went and took my Kindle to bed, opened it but never read it
I started thinking about cosplay and other bits and pieces
normally thinking about stuff wakes me up and gets me going but last night
i drifted off thinking about cosplay! next thing i knew mum was waking me
for work at 7am!!
its a comforting thought to know i can sleep naturally!
I got ready for school
and it turns out I was in year 6 today!!! helping 2 children who were less able
it wasnt too bad actually and made a change too
the teacher was the same age as me! well i was a month older XD never been older than a teacher before, certainly dont feel it tho i have to say i still feel very immature
i came home for lunch mum had warmed my soup up which i was grateful for
i went back and the afternoon was very easy
the teacher insisted at one point that i sit in the staffroom and have a drink!
i refused and asked her to ask other members of staff for work to do if she had none to give me seeing as the students were in assembly
in the staffroom the woman, who weren't too much older than me were talking about their weight and how theyre never the same shape after child birth. i sat there feeling like a right runt XD
the boy i was working today literally lost it today when he discovered his house on google maps. he went mad and was showing people his house. and i thought "why is going crazy like this?" i worked it out them, its the first time he'd seen google maps/earth. so i let him have his moment as i can imagine i would have had a similar reaction at 10 years old seeing my house online
I went straight to adams house from there
had a brew and came away
got home and had a shower and face pack
my stomach has been very painful today
mum gave me some bread with my soup and like an idiot i ate it
gave me such pain and i felt sick when eating and after eating
fed up man, ive got this and sodding hay fever to contend with right now and its peeing me off
This evening ive been looking at water colours
originally i thought id got to spend around £15 but upon re-looking i found that, that set wasnt what i wanted, i wanted the brand but that particular set didnt have enough colours or the colours i wanted. so ive been hunting round and ive spent £22.50 on the set i did want
i laboured over the thought for ages whether to buy or not to buy but upon talking to mum i told her its something im not gonna use daily and its justifying buying them, i told her i know im gonna keep looking at them over months and debating it. so i brought them. they wont be here for another month as theyre a japanese brand.
Tomorrow i really wanna go swimming
but i have no one to go with so im tempted to go by myself at this rate!
wonder how tonights sleep will go
been wearing these in bed, they were £18! but ive been grateful of them
from japan theyre thermal compression socks and raise leg temperature up 6c
its to help with aches and complaints basically and they do help
Konbanwa~~
I couldn't sleep once again
but I had the company of Ed via txt but I got to the point where I thought
he was being a lil sick and felt like I needed to remind him that I do in fact
have a boyfriend. But im used to him and he gets away with murder XD
it was company tho in the middle of the night
I did at 1am read the last ever Nura volume!!!! I was glued to that book!
I can't believe its finished
ahhhhh I enjoyed it. Not my favourite manga but I certainly enjoyed the read actually
and appreciated the art and story.
Next is Pandora Hearts, a manga I LOVE so im excited to get into that one
im wondering whether to read from book 1 or to find which volume I left off
need to check that out before 1am
So this morning I woke up with hay fever
i just want to end it all at times
it feels like if i could suffer with something, I will
I did manage to do a bit of dancing before it got roasting
then I went out to TK MAXX to buy a pot for Rosette which adam brought me on sunday
we had no small pots so when I came across this lonely pot I had to buy it and what a fit!!!
Look!!! Amazingly cute huh
Im well happy with it and its on my windowsill
I also got some car mats! wow how exciting huh! but dad has been banging on at me about buying some new ones and I found some with red trim and seeing as my car is red i picked em up.
I came home and had a tidy up before mummy came in
put my car mats in, did Rosette
I had brought myself some soup from M&S and i dont buy from there its expensive but i was feeling too lazy to make soup so i brought one. it was rubbish. does not pay you to fork out for expensive food.
So at 3:30pm I made my own soup
This afternoon i went round 2 garden centres with mum
as dad has done the rockery he ripped out all of mum's plants and she needs new ones so I was helping her choose and also getting educated on it all
i wish to be house owner one day so i like learning the necessary skills needed
I got a phone call from the agency in regards to work
yes work!
its been 5 weeks since I stepped into a school!
im a lil disappointed about timing as me and adam were gonna go swimming tomorrow
but work is work and its a local school one ive been to many times
its all day and im coming home at lunch for soup
Ive been drawing today and I got another picture done yay :D
im getting quite a few together now which is good.
not sure how many designs im gonna do until i decide to try putting stuff on redbubble, instagram (maybe) and tumblr (maybe)
Mia said her dad had been rushed into hospital with a blood clot
so that wasnt nice to hear and i hope he recovers fast
bless she must be worried sick
so tomorrow its just school for me~
Konbanwa~~~
Once again I fell asleep between 3am and 4am
but I did read the 2nd to last volume of Nura!!
Ive only got the last one to read now!!!!!! Im well excited to see how it ends
Luckily this morning I wasnt woken by Oz in my room
I was awoken tho by my shouting at him to get out the kitchen XD
he's a git
so Id had about 6 hours sleep, just
starting to take a toll now as this is 7 days of 3-6 hours sleep
This morning ugh another hot day
actually i wont complain nope i will not as today is bank holiday
it is 'may day' and that means something very odd indeed
its a bank holiday...and it's not raining?....
what alternate universe is this!?
so i wont complain
but we have had like 4 days of heat thats looking like at least 1 weeks worth of rain
as in britain we pay for good weather
we are in for a pour down shortly i reckon
I was having hay fever attacks at 1am and in the morning
i can no breathe man!!!
i said to mum "i was fine in mias and adams gardens tho"
she said "yes but we have A LOT of trees round here"
so tree and grass pollen seems to kill me off
I started drawing again this morning
cus really what was there to do in this heat?
i was fed up of being so hungry
so i got out a cob (yes bread!) baked beans, tuna, cheese
whacked it on the cob, microwaved it and ate it
my god it was damn good i mean adam said its the weirdest food combo ever but i dont care i like it and ive missed it damn it!!!
I had stomach pains for hours not chronic pain more like a bruising pain
speaking of bruising ive bruised MY SELF
like as in ive done it to myself
yesterday when i had the muscle spasm in my leg and i grabbed it
i had no idea i had such a strong grip, yesterday it left red finger marks on my leg and today ive got 5 small bruises on my calf instead of 5 red finger marks. i had no idea i could do that damage
if i have dug my nails in i could understand but this was skin on skin
stronger than i gave myself credit for
my leg hurts tho and a lot of my muscles feel knotty
ive stretched but it doesnt help any
ive tried dancing today but i get to hot sweaty and dizzy like instantly
so ive had to give up eventually. im learned two difficult dances as i fancy the challenge
i fell asleep at midday as i felt off and tired
turns out i slept for 3 hours...woah was not expecting that
but ive felt a bit off all day today and with not sleeping im not surprised i could sleep for that long
so i havent done a lot today
im the only one in the family who didnt leave the house today XD
i had a slobbing day i still got drawing done but not as productive day
but i guess i cant go at 100mph every day
i will give myself this
Tomorrow im not 100% certain what im doing as i do want a derby trip
its not important i even go this week but i do need to go and i wondered about going tomorrow by myself but it looks like another hot day and i wont be in the mood to sit on a bus for 30+ mins in the heat so i will end up leaving it another day. if i dont do my derby trip i will do some drawing no doubt im sure.
I drew this yesterday which shows just how ive felt lately
like holding back a wolf on a leash and having the strength to keep hold of the leash
Evening~~
Guess what woke me this morning? baring in mind it was gone 3am
by the time I nodded off
It was none other than Oz
yup my Oz
who had rather sneakily hopped into the back door, hopped through the kitchen, through the hall, up the stairs and into my room!!
Mum was chasing him round up to my room and shouted to dad that she'd found him
what a way to start the day
I got up and sleepily looked under my bed for him
gone
turns out he didnt hang around and went back downstairs where mum saw to putting him outside again, honestly hes such a total scamp as of late you know!!
I was tired when I got up
but I didnt feel too bad mentally
stomach was another issue like
I didnt have breakfast and was effing starving
i couldnt wait for lunch to come round so I could have salad
My morning was basically me doing a couple of dances - but had to stop due to it being boiling
i showered and then just kept going out to dad who was doing the rockery and setting fire to it once again, I didnt get to spend much time on my laptop
I had lunch and got ready to see adam
I went over around 1:30pm
basically talked and he was very happy to have ME back
and said how lonely and dull it was to have only seen me 1 hour this week
i was like "ive only seen you once this week?"
he said "yeah that hour you came over"
where have i been this week? seriously what world have i been on? i cant even remember half the week he said it was cus id been in my bubble and pushing people away
but i did it i think to protect others from myself in a way
we didnt go out much to my happiness as today every time i have gone outside
have i had a hay fever attack, literally an attack
theres something out there that doesnt agree with me and it makes me sneeze uncontrollably, runny nose and demon eyes. Ive ordered some japanese eye drops to try!
I was on his bed showing off how strong my core muscles were
and it made my calf go into spasm. not cramp, cramp is no pain. this was spasm
i grabbed my calf hard with hand and must have looked like a cat that had it's tail stood one
i think i was spinning in circles round his room not knowing what to do with myself!
its left a pain to walk on, mum has rolled my calf with a rolling pin a couple of times which has helped relieve some tension. serves me for showing off
I came back and cooked out first 2018 BBQ
I handled cooking fine and i managed to eat a bit of meat
no bread or anything else
and i have got awful stomach pains
i dont know what to do with my stomach
i didnt take any medication last night and i dont think im gonna bother tonight
just no point really
but mum said, what if its not the medication hurting my stomach?
i said I will go mental if i have anything else wrong with me!!!!!
see how it goes I guess im hoping now im not taking anything my stomach will heal
fingers crossed
so thats it now im not on anything
see how i do.
I drew a picture today of how I was feeling the other day, the image i had in my head
did that for half hour
showered again and now gonna sit my beasty bunny who is shedding his fur
which goes up my nose and aggravates my hay fever!
Adam gave me a lil rose plant today which was sweet of him
i just have nothing to put it in so im thinking of buying a pot for it tomorrow
if i can be arsed to go out tomorrow
hes working a 13 hour shift so i aint seeing him
and i might draw too!
a lipstick i brought this week suppose to be £15 i got it for £3.99 Loreal Paris
mum likes the colour and says she wants to borrow it ive told her shes welcome to any of my stuff as always, then she never uses anything!
Evening
It's currently 10pm O:
I have been home now for just under an hour
Im with Oz in my room doing my diary whilst he's being a feral rabbit round my room
I didn't sleep
oh my god thats a shock right!
yup it was 4am once again that I got off to sleep
so when I was rudely awoken at 7:30am by a hayfever attack
its safe to say i was not impressed
and very tired
I got up tho cus literally I couldnt stop sneezing and needing to blow my nose
life sure sucks at times i tell you
I cleaned my pets out which Oz got very excited about
think there was more saw dust on him than in his hutch as he kept getting in the way
then we bathed Millie as her bum was minging she wees on it a lot
I then got in the shower and went to my hairdressers
were I told her i was gonna try get my art out more into the world
she remembered she still hadnt shown me her art work
so she grabbed her phone and my god
shes an artist!!
she had water coloured cardboard
so it was a textured look and it was stunning i was gob smacked at it
i had no idea she was so talented
I came home and I had my first meal of the day - soup
i then went to bed for an hour as I needed a booster if i was to survive the night
then when i got up i went on my laptop for half hour and then went to get ready
seeing how hot it was today i had to re-think my outfit somewhat as i think i would have been far too hot and so i decided to put a dress on
I got to Mia's at 3:30pm
she was walking round in trousers and bra (just come out the shower) (but knew i was on my way)
*sigh* i wish sometimes she'd put more clothes on round me
I sometimes wonder if were a lil TOO comfortable round one another XD
we got ready together and i helped her with her outfit choices
we took a photo to commemorate the day
We have grown up so much
i took her a photo over of when we were about 14 years old and she laughed so much at how awful we looked she said "no wonder no guys looked at us!"
i said "i have never wanted guys to look at me anyway!"
we laughed at how we were both in boy like t-shirts, 3/4 length trousers and trainers
we looked so tom boyish
safe to say that photo got passed round tonight!!!! humiliation or what!?
i didnt mind actually i find peoples reactions funny
so the first guests to arrive were her parents and her granddad
i thought it was lovely of her 90 year old granddad to come
then people started coming in drips and drabs you know
and food was out and i was hungry
id only had soup all day
i mingled with people and people commented on my dress - one id altered more my style
i was starting to get pains in my stomach from not eating and general pains
i sat outside the whole time and was getting cold
one of her friends who has got a very young baby had just come over and honestly what is it about babies and woman!? why do woman feel this need to flock round a new born!?
i didnt
i stayed firmly sat in my seat
a few fellow woman came up to me "you not want to go check the baby out?"
i said "god no"
someone said "but babies are so cute"
i said "youve gotta be kidding me right? we as humans are the ugliest babies ever compared to animals"
yeah i dont do babies or toddlers
I think over the next half hour i said 3 times "really doesnt make me want one!!!"
he screamed and people talk about their experiences of babies
and all in all. No. in the wise words of dragon's den....I'm out.
at 9pm I decided to go for 3 reasons
1. my stomach was chewing on its self
2. I was on borrowed time in needed a trip to the loo
3. people were getting louder and drunker
so i said my goodbyes and thank yous
i wasnt aware just how cold my body was until i went under the shower
got my circulation going again
mum did me soup and bread
yes bread! i figured i already had stomach ache and upset why not really
Tonight I am not taking any of my anti-depressiants
see how i go
I have felt more myself today the Alsatian I was holding back on a lead feels more like Labrador so thats been nice today and hopefully tomorrow it will improve even more!
tomorrow not sure what i am doing i believe i am seeing adam
what were doing im not sure
its suppose to be hot tomorrow also
he did ring me today
hes got his passport sent off for the 4th attempt
and his work place has offered him a contract!!! oh my god
i mean its still minimum wage and still means he remains there but a job is a job
i couldnt stand him working on a sodding zero hour contract
you cant get anywhere in life on a zero hour contract
so i was pleased for him but had to tell him i was bored of hearing about work as he kept banging on about it. Think ive got to drill that behaviour out of him. he goes on about work far too much.
looks like hes trying to get his act together after ive had a few goes at him this week!
Konbanwa~~~
I didn't sleep
despite taking 3 tablets last night
so it has confirmed to me that these tablets have become ineffective and a doing more harm than good to me. Safe to say I was tired when I woke up as 3 tablets makes you feel drowsy but doesnt quite put you under so I felt a bit zombified this morning. woke up at 9:15 D:
My morning was just me getting showered and ready to see mia
I went over to see her, realised id forgotten my graphics tablet pen so I said I needed
to go home and get it, put eye drops in my eyes before I claw my eyes out, and put a t-shirt on as its warmed up! so we did that and then we went to the shops for her party stuff
we had lunch out and I had dull chicken soup, I was offered bread but had to turn it out T^T
hate life, mia is there with panini and cake!!!
we went back to hers and i let her have ago on my graphics tablet as she hasnt been on one before she found it strange and convinced she wouldnt get used to one, i told her she would as I felt the same. She got Rob to order her one last night. I will be envious of how new it looks as mine looks truly quite tired now!
I did some drawing I drew a mouse deer
I've got a bit of work to do with it yet
I left at about 4ish as I could feel my stomach griping
I got home and got to the toilet in time
god knows what had upset it id only had 1 hot chocolate, 2 teas, chicken soup
i was starving!
since i got home I had a look at what im gonna wear tomorrow for mia's party
chose a design for my nails tonight
and watched a couple of youtube videos that was it til dinner
my family had salmon stake and vegetables
i had salad with salmon which wasnt too bad
after dinner my dad said that if i want the Terrius that I could have it
i said I needed another drive of it and to properly look at it
so I grabbed my brother to come with me as it was at my dad's work place
we drove round the country lanes and its a weird sensation driving 4x4
the car kinda rolls and fights you
you are very active with steering
I came home and said that I do like the car but im wondering that even tho it would be fun to own and drive it, long term i wonder how practical it would to own. Dad agreed but said if i wanted it for a bit of fun I could. He then went on to tell me the yearly TAX for it was £300...
£300 on car tax...
I DONT THINK SO!!!!!
What the hell are you paying for there!? to pay people to fill in pot holes craply!?
id want a sports car for that money
so its a no, i will keep my Kia Rio -______-
Later on I told mum that one of my friends had googled the side effects of my new medication, Dosulepin. And said how nasty they are. So I googled them and read the 'best' ones to mum and we both looked at each other and could understand why theyre a 'last resort' medication
theyre bloody awful! and explain a lot of what has been going off with me
as mum and adam say im not the same person
and im not im really not im fighting onto who i am
its hard and im worrying about what happens when i run out of strength to hold on
so we've come to a decision - me and mum
tonight I take 1 tablet
tomorrow night no tablet
sunday night 1 tablet then from there no tablets
I will see my psychologist on friday who I will get to refer me to psychiatrist to talk properly about my medication. I am NOT seeing my GP as he is grasping as straws and its doing more harm than good right now.
it will mean for a short while I will be without anti-dpressiants, which I havent been without for years now but Im hoping that I may not need them, I certainly cant be any worse than what I am now.
Tomorrow~
I have a hair cut at 10:30am
then I do as I please for a bit
then at 3:30pm I go over to mia's were she wants us to get ready together
do our hair and make up that basically means
but she wants to 'help' or more like 'do' my hair and make up XD
i dont mind i will indulge her on this as its her first house party
then I see how my night goes from there~
She brought some eye lashes today and thing she wants me to wear mine also
I remembered I brought these last month - can make eye lashes!
Evening one and all
I went to bed at maybe 2ish this morning as I couldnt sleep
but what is new there! I needed pain killers like some sort of junkie
but I refuse to lose to them. I didnt take them
I went to bed to try sleep
I woke up sat up right on my bed, feet on my floor...
thats a new one on me!!!! How do you wake up like that!?
I was aching even at this point so I got up and again went downstairs
it was gone 4am by time i had slept and woke up at 8:45am
brilliant amount of sleep that is. 4 days in a row now
those tablets are doing nothing for me anymore
im left to suffer and REFUSE to see my GP as it will be a...
complete and utter waste of time and life
I will wait til next friday to see the psychologist and ask to be referred to a psychiatrist
in the mean time eat salad and soup!
i love life!
Oh I watched kinda like the last episode of Kara no Kyokai
it was 2 hours long so I watched it in 3 parts
brilliant, sick but brilliant
theres extra episodes so i will check them out!
Oz stayed with me the whole of the last hour and he was good boy :D
Today tho my Ozwald is like a feral rabbit
he bit my nipple twice >.> through clothes obviously but it hurt a lil i have to say
and he was pulling some faces at me and scurrying me
not looking forward to spending time with his mardy pants tonight
I trimmed the girls's claws and i gave maisy a hair cut
Ive been drawing as well today
drawn I believe 4 pictures now
I did 40mins of straight dancing like a pro XD
we had yoga tonight and my lovely teacher karen has lost so much weight
but she puts up a front shes strong and she has always had my respect
she is a strong woman
but todays class i have to say was the hardest ive had in some time
jesus it was difficult
I got home and dad was cleaning out this car to sell to someone and it was a 4x4
i was dying for a go so I had ago!
there was 3 neighbours - men - talking together watching me
i said i was gonna go joy riding, hand break turns and what have you
i set off and i was only gone 5 mins but i had sooooooo much fun i loved it!!
like driving a bus youre so high up! it didnt 'go' tho it had like no power cus its old and stuff
but it was fun
i went to get out of the car to find the neighbours watching me i said
"that was the most fun ever" and they just laughed
always amusing others i am~
im excellent at making others laugh
I have been looking into violin lessons
im thinking of picking up an instrument
baring in mind i have NEVER played anything NEVER had a desire to play and have NEVER been able to read music but im wondering if i should try my hand at something new
and i like the violin out of all instruments
we shall see, mum is tempted to join me i can see she is
tomorrow ahhh tomorrow hopefully fingers crossed should be good
as im going over to mia's in the morning to draw
both of us are gonna do our art together
then might go shops or cafe later
obviously i cant eat yet so im gonna have to come home for food
but should be good~~
pikachu i doodled and took a photo of it
random i know
