Evening~
I didn't sleep til gone 2am
had stomach ache and hay fever and i was frozen
mum woke me at 7:30am
I got ready for my day~
I went to my psychology appt
which only wound me up big time
he did not want to bait the beast i was close to biting his head off
he said at the end he was pushing me tho
we talked about how im confused on how to be an adult and that having my illness
has not helped that, as everyone had their transition into adult hood whereas i was practically
in a coma in my bed. I missed out
and whilst I could easily blame my illness for this, that wouldnt be right as we discovered that my home life/situation isnt doing me any favours
its lovely to be helped so much at home and I am truly grateful for how much my parents do but they are wrapping me up in cotton wool too much theyre not giving me any responsibilities and thats what i need if i am to take baby steps into my adult life. So i told mum about it, i know she will find it hardest to 'let go' but fact of the matter is, the way things are, its just not helping.
I came away quite full of aggression and frustration
but I was soon able to get rid of it luckily
me and mum set off for derby
think we were in derby for 11:30am
we looked round a few stores on the market
i was able to get some fabric i needed and the nail varnish i needed too
we went for lunch which was soup! and half a small cob!
we walked round shops and I picked up new pajamas!!!! finally :D
been searching for weeks for them so I got a long sleeve pair and a tshirt pair
no shorts or vests for me~
I got some joggers with zip pockets so my ipod will be safe for when i start joining mum when she goes for her saturday park runs, im hoping next weekend I can start that!
I also got a new hoodie/jacket!!! I have missed one I chucked out a few weeks ago, and ive been using another one that has had its day so i feel scruffy in it. It was £16 but mummy kindly brought me that and my pajamas. Its deep turquoise with black writing on the back and black paint splats on the sleeves. Its cool and a bit different for me as its not cutesy
I dont always wanna wear cute stuff sometimes i want cool stuff
never sexy stuff tho XD
we were home for 4pm
we'd both had enough but enjoyed our day
i for one ran up to the toilet as soon as i walked through the door
as i had rather stupidly had half a cob and half a cake today!
never again but my god i enjoyed them i had forgotten how good cake was
but the after math probably wasnt worth it
I havent done a great deal since then really as its only been 3 hours
i did do some cross stitch and i havent done that in like 2 months
just havent wanted to but reading and playing on my DS isnt cutting it for me right now
Ive had Oz inside because for the last 3 days he has sulked
and i have given him attention im always diligent with that
but he sulks in his cage, i boot him outside and he takes himself home within minutes
dont know whats up with him! i think its cus hes in his rabbit teenage years XD
miserable bunny
but still felt the need to push my bin over
twice
Im hoping i sleep tonight
mum has put the heating on so i wont freeze tonight
stomach hurts cus i ate such sinful food today but hay fever has calmed down
as when i came back from the city - where i can breathe - it hit with a vengeance!
we shall see
gonna paint my nails tonight
tomorrow im wondering what to do really as i am tempted to go into the city (again) dressed in full cosplay just for the fun of it
whether or not i can be arsed will be another thing entirely usually sleep and or hay fever will make the decision for me. Tomorrow is also Karen's birthday! I did a mix media birthday card for her
designed by yours truly of course
Konbanwa~~~
Well I was up til 4am with hay fever
kid you not. I was about ready to rip out my eyes and burn my nose off with acid
i was fed up big style. But it was aggravated by the rain so I know why i had such an attack
I got up twice in the night because I didnt want to wake everyone up with
sneezing and blowing my nose
Before I went to bed I was listening to my ipod, i was on youtube
something popped up I couldnt get rid of (crap at technology) so I went to my brother
for help. He soon realised Id been using Safari to watch stuff on youtube
it literally burned him
his face, i found hilarious, i said "you look like ive just stamped on your kitten!"
he downloaded the youtube app for me, i was gonna do at some point
honestly i was XD
This morning I woke up at 9am
I felt like crap as I was with hay fever still
I had missed a call from the agency i dont like and i couldnt be arsed to ring em back
rude gits
My morning consisted of me looking like death
doing a lil dancing, having a shower and then taking a turn for the worst
something switched in my head
my head became rammed full of thoughts none of which were good
i was only looking at nail art ideas and this all happened
i had
what am i doing with myself
why do i suffer with everything
whats the point in doing nails mine will be crap anyway
why do i keep going
I want to cry, should I cry, is crying weak
should i just die now would it be easier on everyone
i dont want to see anyone
i will hurt others
i will enjoy hurting others
i want to fight
i want to cause pain
like some psychotic monster, thats how it feels
mum came back at 11am and i was just able to tell her all this without getting upset
but i could feel my throat closing up.
I told her I was suppose to be seeing adam but its best not, and that i feel i could just have it out with someone. Its like having a wolf on a leash like my drawing and the leash was only just holding and i was running out of strength to hold on.
its, well, its scary.
its just cus im not right in the head right now
none of this is me. and it can make me appreciate just how serious mental health is really.
mum told me to go out for a walk even with my hay fever
and i did and i did feel a lil better for it
i went to polish my room and clean things too
and my mood was lifting
i had hours previously told adam to leave me be today but i text him back saying that by time hes finished work that i should be ok
I had another agency ring me
"jo youve got work in F1"
i was so tempted to be flippant "oh have I"
i just didnt like his attitude and told him id got an appt tomorrow so i couldnt
he came over mid afternoon
i made him tea and we went up to his house were we walked to the shops
we had a look round but i didnt get anything
we came back to his he made me a tea, we talked to his dad
then we were on his bed for the last half hour
he was always trying to give me attention but i didnt give any back
im a hard ass XD
i left him and came home for yoga
yoga was really good and a full class which made the room hot
but it was a good session
i came home to find a text on my phone, lynn, shes got breast cancer
my heart sunk. i couldnt believe what i was reading. she said she wasnt speaking to anyone just simply telling people. i respected that. people cope differently. but i told her id support her all the way. bless her.
my brother found out how i access my Wifi on my ipod and he said "its painful how s*** you are" i was laughing as i know its true and having it said is funny
he asked "have you even been on the app store on your phone yet?"
nooo.....
he made me do that and ive downloaded a couple of photo apps to have ago with.
im not into 'selfies' i hardly take photos of myself
im looking forward to tomorrow
well apart from seeing the psychologist in the morning, i wanna get that outta the way
then i can go derby with mummy
we've never been to derby together just the two of us before
should be nice
ive brought her a couple of eyebrow products lately to play with is as she keeps having to have them dyed theyve gone incredibly light but her mother's were the same. mine grow naturally black i take after dad and the fact i was born with black hair. so i brought her Heavy Rotation and shes getting into it, ive brought her other korean/japanese products and im hoping to turn her to my side XD
i dont mind sharing my makeup
i was telling adam i am tempted to go city centre tomorrow by myself
dress in full cosplay and just walk round X3
Evening~~
Guess what!!
I slept!! No joke I slept
I could not believe it
I felt so sickly and having a lot of thoughts about being fat last night
mum and dad had a surgery program on and it was making me feel sick
so I went and took my Kindle to bed, opened it but never read it
I started thinking about cosplay and other bits and pieces
normally thinking about stuff wakes me up and gets me going but last night
i drifted off thinking about cosplay! next thing i knew mum was waking me
for work at 7am!!
its a comforting thought to know i can sleep naturally!
I got ready for school
and it turns out I was in year 6 today!!! helping 2 children who were less able
it wasnt too bad actually and made a change too
the teacher was the same age as me! well i was a month older XD never been older than a teacher before, certainly dont feel it tho i have to say i still feel very immature
i came home for lunch mum had warmed my soup up which i was grateful for
i went back and the afternoon was very easy
the teacher insisted at one point that i sit in the staffroom and have a drink!
i refused and asked her to ask other members of staff for work to do if she had none to give me seeing as the students were in assembly
in the staffroom the woman, who weren't too much older than me were talking about their weight and how theyre never the same shape after child birth. i sat there feeling like a right runt XD
the boy i was working today literally lost it today when he discovered his house on google maps. he went mad and was showing people his house. and i thought "why is going crazy like this?" i worked it out them, its the first time he'd seen google maps/earth. so i let him have his moment as i can imagine i would have had a similar reaction at 10 years old seeing my house online
I went straight to adams house from there
had a brew and came away
got home and had a shower and face pack
my stomach has been very painful today
mum gave me some bread with my soup and like an idiot i ate it
gave me such pain and i felt sick when eating and after eating
fed up man, ive got this and sodding hay fever to contend with right now and its peeing me off
This evening ive been looking at water colours
originally i thought id got to spend around £15 but upon re-looking i found that, that set wasnt what i wanted, i wanted the brand but that particular set didnt have enough colours or the colours i wanted. so ive been hunting round and ive spent £22.50 on the set i did want
i laboured over the thought for ages whether to buy or not to buy but upon talking to mum i told her its something im not gonna use daily and its justifying buying them, i told her i know im gonna keep looking at them over months and debating it. so i brought them. they wont be here for another month as theyre a japanese brand.
Tomorrow i really wanna go swimming
but i have no one to go with so im tempted to go by myself at this rate!
wonder how tonights sleep will go
been wearing these in bed, they were £18! but ive been grateful of them
from japan theyre thermal compression socks and raise leg temperature up 6c
its to help with aches and complaints basically and they do help
Konbanwa~~
I couldn't sleep once again
but I had the company of Ed via txt but I got to the point where I thought
he was being a lil sick and felt like I needed to remind him that I do in fact
have a boyfriend. But im used to him and he gets away with murder XD
it was company tho in the middle of the night
I did at 1am read the last ever Nura volume!!!! I was glued to that book!
I can't believe its finished
ahhhhh I enjoyed it. Not my favourite manga but I certainly enjoyed the read actually
and appreciated the art and story.
Next is Pandora Hearts, a manga I LOVE so im excited to get into that one
im wondering whether to read from book 1 or to find which volume I left off
need to check that out before 1am
So this morning I woke up with hay fever
i just want to end it all at times
it feels like if i could suffer with something, I will
I did manage to do a bit of dancing before it got roasting
then I went out to TK MAXX to buy a pot for Rosette which adam brought me on sunday
we had no small pots so when I came across this lonely pot I had to buy it and what a fit!!!
Look!!! Amazingly cute huh
Im well happy with it and its on my windowsill
I also got some car mats! wow how exciting huh! but dad has been banging on at me about buying some new ones and I found some with red trim and seeing as my car is red i picked em up.
I came home and had a tidy up before mummy came in
put my car mats in, did Rosette
I had brought myself some soup from M&S and i dont buy from there its expensive but i was feeling too lazy to make soup so i brought one. it was rubbish. does not pay you to fork out for expensive food.
So at 3:30pm I made my own soup
This afternoon i went round 2 garden centres with mum
as dad has done the rockery he ripped out all of mum's plants and she needs new ones so I was helping her choose and also getting educated on it all
i wish to be house owner one day so i like learning the necessary skills needed
I got a phone call from the agency in regards to work
yes work!
its been 5 weeks since I stepped into a school!
im a lil disappointed about timing as me and adam were gonna go swimming tomorrow
but work is work and its a local school one ive been to many times
its all day and im coming home at lunch for soup
Ive been drawing today and I got another picture done yay :D
im getting quite a few together now which is good.
not sure how many designs im gonna do until i decide to try putting stuff on redbubble, instagram (maybe) and tumblr (maybe)
Mia said her dad had been rushed into hospital with a blood clot
so that wasnt nice to hear and i hope he recovers fast
bless she must be worried sick
so tomorrow its just school for me~
Konbanwa~~~
Once again I fell asleep between 3am and 4am
but I did read the 2nd to last volume of Nura!!
Ive only got the last one to read now!!!!!! Im well excited to see how it ends
Luckily this morning I wasnt woken by Oz in my room
I was awoken tho by my shouting at him to get out the kitchen XD
he's a git
so Id had about 6 hours sleep, just
starting to take a toll now as this is 7 days of 3-6 hours sleep
This morning ugh another hot day
actually i wont complain nope i will not as today is bank holiday
it is 'may day' and that means something very odd indeed
its a bank holiday...and it's not raining?....
what alternate universe is this!?
so i wont complain
but we have had like 4 days of heat thats looking like at least 1 weeks worth of rain
as in britain we pay for good weather
we are in for a pour down shortly i reckon
I was having hay fever attacks at 1am and in the morning
i can no breathe man!!!
i said to mum "i was fine in mias and adams gardens tho"
she said "yes but we have A LOT of trees round here"
so tree and grass pollen seems to kill me off
I started drawing again this morning
cus really what was there to do in this heat?
i was fed up of being so hungry
so i got out a cob (yes bread!) baked beans, tuna, cheese
whacked it on the cob, microwaved it and ate it
my god it was damn good i mean adam said its the weirdest food combo ever but i dont care i like it and ive missed it damn it!!!
I had stomach pains for hours not chronic pain more like a bruising pain
speaking of bruising ive bruised MY SELF
like as in ive done it to myself
yesterday when i had the muscle spasm in my leg and i grabbed it
i had no idea i had such a strong grip, yesterday it left red finger marks on my leg and today ive got 5 small bruises on my calf instead of 5 red finger marks. i had no idea i could do that damage
if i have dug my nails in i could understand but this was skin on skin
stronger than i gave myself credit for
my leg hurts tho and a lot of my muscles feel knotty
ive stretched but it doesnt help any
ive tried dancing today but i get to hot sweaty and dizzy like instantly
so ive had to give up eventually. im learned two difficult dances as i fancy the challenge
i fell asleep at midday as i felt off and tired
turns out i slept for 3 hours...woah was not expecting that
but ive felt a bit off all day today and with not sleeping im not surprised i could sleep for that long
so i havent done a lot today
im the only one in the family who didnt leave the house today XD
i had a slobbing day i still got drawing done but not as productive day
but i guess i cant go at 100mph every day
i will give myself this
Tomorrow im not 100% certain what im doing as i do want a derby trip
its not important i even go this week but i do need to go and i wondered about going tomorrow by myself but it looks like another hot day and i wont be in the mood to sit on a bus for 30+ mins in the heat so i will end up leaving it another day. if i dont do my derby trip i will do some drawing no doubt im sure.
I drew this yesterday which shows just how ive felt lately
like holding back a wolf on a leash and having the strength to keep hold of the leash
Evening~~
Guess what woke me this morning? baring in mind it was gone 3am
by the time I nodded off
It was none other than Oz
yup my Oz
who had rather sneakily hopped into the back door, hopped through the kitchen, through the hall, up the stairs and into my room!!
Mum was chasing him round up to my room and shouted to dad that she'd found him
what a way to start the day
I got up and sleepily looked under my bed for him
gone
turns out he didnt hang around and went back downstairs where mum saw to putting him outside again, honestly hes such a total scamp as of late you know!!
I was tired when I got up
but I didnt feel too bad mentally
stomach was another issue like
I didnt have breakfast and was effing starving
i couldnt wait for lunch to come round so I could have salad
My morning was basically me doing a couple of dances - but had to stop due to it being boiling
i showered and then just kept going out to dad who was doing the rockery and setting fire to it once again, I didnt get to spend much time on my laptop
I had lunch and got ready to see adam
I went over around 1:30pm
basically talked and he was very happy to have ME back
and said how lonely and dull it was to have only seen me 1 hour this week
i was like "ive only seen you once this week?"
he said "yeah that hour you came over"
where have i been this week? seriously what world have i been on? i cant even remember half the week he said it was cus id been in my bubble and pushing people away
but i did it i think to protect others from myself in a way
we didnt go out much to my happiness as today every time i have gone outside
have i had a hay fever attack, literally an attack
theres something out there that doesnt agree with me and it makes me sneeze uncontrollably, runny nose and demon eyes. Ive ordered some japanese eye drops to try!
I was on his bed showing off how strong my core muscles were
and it made my calf go into spasm. not cramp, cramp is no pain. this was spasm
i grabbed my calf hard with hand and must have looked like a cat that had it's tail stood one
i think i was spinning in circles round his room not knowing what to do with myself!
its left a pain to walk on, mum has rolled my calf with a rolling pin a couple of times which has helped relieve some tension. serves me for showing off
I came back and cooked out first 2018 BBQ
I handled cooking fine and i managed to eat a bit of meat
no bread or anything else
and i have got awful stomach pains
i dont know what to do with my stomach
i didnt take any medication last night and i dont think im gonna bother tonight
just no point really
but mum said, what if its not the medication hurting my stomach?
i said I will go mental if i have anything else wrong with me!!!!!
see how it goes I guess im hoping now im not taking anything my stomach will heal
fingers crossed
so thats it now im not on anything
see how i do.
I drew a picture today of how I was feeling the other day, the image i had in my head
did that for half hour
showered again and now gonna sit my beasty bunny who is shedding his fur
which goes up my nose and aggravates my hay fever!
Adam gave me a lil rose plant today which was sweet of him
i just have nothing to put it in so im thinking of buying a pot for it tomorrow
if i can be arsed to go out tomorrow
hes working a 13 hour shift so i aint seeing him
and i might draw too!
a lipstick i brought this week suppose to be £15 i got it for £3.99 Loreal Paris
mum likes the colour and says she wants to borrow it ive told her shes welcome to any of my stuff as always, then she never uses anything!
Evening
It's currently 10pm O:
I have been home now for just under an hour
Im with Oz in my room doing my diary whilst he's being a feral rabbit round my room
I didn't sleep
oh my god thats a shock right!
yup it was 4am once again that I got off to sleep
so when I was rudely awoken at 7:30am by a hayfever attack
its safe to say i was not impressed
and very tired
I got up tho cus literally I couldnt stop sneezing and needing to blow my nose
life sure sucks at times i tell you
I cleaned my pets out which Oz got very excited about
think there was more saw dust on him than in his hutch as he kept getting in the way
then we bathed Millie as her bum was minging she wees on it a lot
I then got in the shower and went to my hairdressers
were I told her i was gonna try get my art out more into the world
she remembered she still hadnt shown me her art work
so she grabbed her phone and my god
shes an artist!!
she had water coloured cardboard
so it was a textured look and it was stunning i was gob smacked at it
i had no idea she was so talented
I came home and I had my first meal of the day - soup
i then went to bed for an hour as I needed a booster if i was to survive the night
then when i got up i went on my laptop for half hour and then went to get ready
seeing how hot it was today i had to re-think my outfit somewhat as i think i would have been far too hot and so i decided to put a dress on
I got to Mia's at 3:30pm
she was walking round in trousers and bra (just come out the shower) (but knew i was on my way)
*sigh* i wish sometimes she'd put more clothes on round me
I sometimes wonder if were a lil TOO comfortable round one another XD
we got ready together and i helped her with her outfit choices
we took a photo to commemorate the day
We have grown up so much
i took her a photo over of when we were about 14 years old and she laughed so much at how awful we looked she said "no wonder no guys looked at us!"
i said "i have never wanted guys to look at me anyway!"
we laughed at how we were both in boy like t-shirts, 3/4 length trousers and trainers
we looked so tom boyish
safe to say that photo got passed round tonight!!!! humiliation or what!?
i didnt mind actually i find peoples reactions funny
so the first guests to arrive were her parents and her granddad
i thought it was lovely of her 90 year old granddad to come
then people started coming in drips and drabs you know
and food was out and i was hungry
id only had soup all day
i mingled with people and people commented on my dress - one id altered more my style
i was starting to get pains in my stomach from not eating and general pains
i sat outside the whole time and was getting cold
one of her friends who has got a very young baby had just come over and honestly what is it about babies and woman!? why do woman feel this need to flock round a new born!?
i didnt
i stayed firmly sat in my seat
a few fellow woman came up to me "you not want to go check the baby out?"
i said "god no"
someone said "but babies are so cute"
i said "youve gotta be kidding me right? we as humans are the ugliest babies ever compared to animals"
yeah i dont do babies or toddlers
I think over the next half hour i said 3 times "really doesnt make me want one!!!"
he screamed and people talk about their experiences of babies
and all in all. No. in the wise words of dragon's den....I'm out.
at 9pm I decided to go for 3 reasons
1. my stomach was chewing on its self
2. I was on borrowed time in needed a trip to the loo
3. people were getting louder and drunker
so i said my goodbyes and thank yous
i wasnt aware just how cold my body was until i went under the shower
got my circulation going again
mum did me soup and bread
yes bread! i figured i already had stomach ache and upset why not really
Tonight I am not taking any of my anti-depressiants
see how i go
I have felt more myself today the Alsatian I was holding back on a lead feels more like Labrador so thats been nice today and hopefully tomorrow it will improve even more!
tomorrow not sure what i am doing i believe i am seeing adam
what were doing im not sure
its suppose to be hot tomorrow also
he did ring me today
hes got his passport sent off for the 4th attempt
and his work place has offered him a contract!!! oh my god
i mean its still minimum wage and still means he remains there but a job is a job
i couldnt stand him working on a sodding zero hour contract
you cant get anywhere in life on a zero hour contract
so i was pleased for him but had to tell him i was bored of hearing about work as he kept banging on about it. Think ive got to drill that behaviour out of him. he goes on about work far too much.
looks like hes trying to get his act together after ive had a few goes at him this week!
