Had enough and 1 Naruko

Evening

I went ti bed at around 9:30pm
by 1:15am I had already had a nightmare
I was awake but so convinced I could see what was happening in my room
that i dived for my kindle to illuminate the room
I was scared like a child that something was gonna walk right into my room
which is why i woke up as I believed it was that close to entering
gonna lose my mind at this rate

I felt a little bit better today
but im still rough in both body and voice
I wasnt sure how to pass my day in all honesty
so I did a bit of drawing in the morning but im struggling to get into it
as all i keep thinking is "it will be crap anyway" its hard to work
when thats the mindset
I did a bit of dancing but wasnt feeling 100% for it

the afternoon came and as i just finished my lunch the post come
my lace for the jacket i want to make came
and also my Naruko
only 1 Naruko came tho....I ordered 2....So the excitement soon fizzled
I got up and went to sew as it was something to do and keep my brain occupied
the door goes again
its adam
i didnt invite him over he chose to come over after work
why
i wasnt in the mood and i didnt want company
i know i was probably really hard work to him too
he said "lets go out for ice cream"
i said "more like i will drive and take YOU out for ice cream"
i didnt want to go out, i didnt want to drive, i didnt want to talk
not his fault. its mine.

we went for ice cream which i barely tasted due to my cold
but it was nice on my throat i guess
we went round 2 charity shops then i drove to his house
i was happy to pull away there and then but instead of looking like a jerk
i went inside for a brew
i was not in the mood to talk to his dad, to see football on, and to play happy families
i just didnt want it
so i stayed almost 2 hours and went home

did some sewing
then i had yoga which was bloody hard work
karen went mental on us and i had little energy to start with
i was getting to the point where id had enough and wanted to come away
not going to be walking tomorrow put it that way

tomorrow i have work
and im grateful to have work
i just dont like tomorrow's teacher all that much her voice grates on me
and i know im gonna be bored out my wits

about it
feel like i nothing but moan lately
but im not happy
i havent been happy for a long time
i dont even know what would make me happy
i feel like im not capable of feeling happy emotions
im not feeling any emotions to be honest
im like numb to the world and its making me sadder and sadder inside
im getting to the point where i know i should be caring but im finding it hard to care
about life. feel i could quite easily sleep the next few weeks away
in hope that when i wake up i will be feeling more like a normal person
but who am i kidding.
fed up
and not sure what it is i need to do to make this feeling go away
sleep
sleep for a long time
sleep the pain away
sleep the hurt away
had enough

Want a Happi Coat or Yukata

Evening~~

I slept pretty alright
I do enjoy night and day cold and flu tablets as the night times do help with sleep
I woke up at 7:30am tho >.> 

I felt worse than what I did yesterday
honestly I can't believe how much worse I am today than yesterday
i sound like Ive been smoking a 1000 fags all day
I wasn't impressed

I didn't do much in the morning 
I did go to a few shops with mum just to get out 
I personally didnt get anything 
we came back and I went on my laptop
but I wasn't feeling good so I was back in bed for 11am -______-
I got up and had lunch
adam wanted to know if he could see me 
but i couldnt be bothered to
speak
entertain
drive
have company
just basically wanted to be left to myself
he said he'd like to see me tomorrow
i said "yeah i'll see how i feel"

all afternoon I didnt do much
and not doing any exercise since sunday was getting to me
i felt like a tiger in a cage
i was getting a mental barrage full of
how much id eaten
how fat i was
how bored and fed i was
mum said it was probably best i rest and not got for a run
i went for a 15minute run
felt better for it
nakerd and aching afterwards but a bit mentally better

so it feels like a waste of life today
but at least i didnt have to miss work or anything

i brought a pair of second hand converse online for £20.29
been "worn once" apparently but i think theyve been worn more than that
still theyre in better condition than mine as mine hurt my feet now
hopefully they will arrive when someone is home! 
ordered a pair of shorts id been wanting for months which were always £11 i got them for £5
well happy about that one
i was looking at Happi Coats and Yukatas as Id love to dance in one when I start doing
Yasokoi dances but they came up for at least £12 and its a lot to pay when im only gonna dance for fun in one, so maybe one day, when i get my Naruko in the post and start dancing i shall see
i do keep practising my Idol dancing and im thinking of recording outside too

tomorrow i have yoga and thats the only thing i have going off in the day

Battled my cold and made it to school

Konbanwa~~~

I was in bed for 8:15pm ><
I really felt unwell
took me til gone 10pm to get off to sleep tho
you know what with sheer amount of nose blowing and all that business

I was expecting to feel like utter crap
but I luckily I didnt feel as bad as yesterday ^^
So I was able to go to school :D

School was dull
it was a repeat of yesterday
maths til 10:30am then english rest of the day
such a kill a joy
for the last part of the day the head master took the class
and ive worked with him before
hes fine just like a normal teacher none of that frosty powerful almighty head teacher aura 
I got the day done anyway
I was glad I did the day~
I had other staff asking me if Id applied to the school for the TA role
they must like me to say that otherwise they wouldnt say anything
not that i have very high hopes that i will get the job
it just does my confidence good knowing people think highly of me

I got home and felt like collapsing on my bed
i didnt tho but i only sat round really didnt do a lot
i was too tired and feeling a bit crappy still
my voice isnt right and i keep having to sit by a tissue box

tomorrow i SHOULD have been having a blood test
but im to wait for a form in the post to say what it is i need to be tested for
that form hasnt come 
therefor i cant be tested
so ive made another appointment for next wednesday
it means waiting yet more time for medication but not a lot i can do there
kinda glad cus i cant face going when im feeling so crappy
also i wouldnt want my results to be dodgy cus ive got a virus
if i had to go for a second repeat blood test i would not be impressed
so im off the hook tomorrow!

not sure what i am doing tomorrow tho
need some more converse as mine are hurting my feet
so ive been looking online for some

Poorly in summer, really?

Who gets sick in summer?
really?
what germs breed in summer?
Any germ going I seem to hover up
Last night I could not stop sneezing and blowing my nose
got through half a tissue box in 2 hours
i felt like crap and went to bed
woke up through the night not being able to breathe
then at 5am when hay fever usually starts it woke me up
safe to say I was shattered for school this morning

I havent stopped blowing my nose ALL DAY
i look like bloody Rudolph my nose is sore
as the day has gone on the worse I have felt
I now can't control my body temperture im ether freezing or sweating
my nose is running, i have a headache my forehead pounds on my nose
my neck feels swollen and I ache
i feel like crap
i somehow made it through school, came home
went to bed

I want to go school tomorrow even tho today bored me to tears
maths til 10:30am then english all day
whippee!!!
I was asked however by the head teacher, a teacher and a teaching assistant 
had I applied to their job
I thought that was really nice of them to ask :)
on other job news it looks like im getting £5 more per day for some odd reason
not gonna question it 

my converse are starting to rub my feet
the back of them has worn
and theyre my school shoes too /:
need new school shoes

wonder what sleep i will manage to get tonight
cant wait to find out
not being able to dance or go for a run is gonna play havoc with my mental state
not doing any exercise today...not good
considering ive eaten bad and im tired
not a good combo 

i wish to go school tomorrow
i will drag my corpse there if i have to 

Agreed not going Sheffield again

Tadaima~~

I'm home!
Got home about 12:15pm
glad to be sodding home as well in all honesty 

So friday~
I was tired I'd had a rough night as per usual
I wasn't in the best of moods I just wasnt really
should have been happy I was going away
but I wasn't
Adam's dad picked me up ridiculously early I should have known better
didnt stop me from moaning about it
means waiting at the train station pointlessly longer
adam brought me a tea in the cafe there but I didnt drink it all
as I didnt want anything

we got off the train and walked to a cafe for a drink then started our trek up to the hotel
my god why hadnt i driven!? he wouldnt let me drive
thats the last time i give in and let it happen
its a stupid trek
we got to the hotel and we stayed there til 2pm as adam had arranged
for me to have a hot stone massage which was nice of him and good experience
we went back to the room were i had a bath to get rid of the massage oil
and we stayed in the room til 5pm when we walked to the only pub within a 5mile radios 
i ordered, and i should have known better, Mediterranean veg pie
the pie was pastry not potato - yuck
it came with mushy peas as i hadnt stated garden
i had to pay as their card reader wasnt working and adam didnt have cash
i  had just enough luckily
i ate the veg out the pie and the chips
yum
we went back to room, let food go down and went swimming which was alright

the room was a lil dirty and the water out the tap took ages to go luke warm never mind cold
it was also cloudy water, why was it cloudy?

saturday (yesterday)
i got up and made tea with cloudy water
i took my sweet time getting ready as we had a whole day to kill round dead old Sheffield 
we took the long trek to the shops and adam originally said he was gonna go round the shops look for holiday wear. He didnt 
we barely went round anything
eventually we stopped for lunch (luckily i had brought break fast biscuits to last me)
we couldnt find a cheap enough cafe til eventually we found one
we had it to our selves
i ordered beans on toast
came with stone cold toast and barely warm beans
with no other patrons in there, and it was simple beans on toast, what was the excuse?
i ate half a slice of bread and a bit of bean
yuck
we talked about dinner as theres nothing round us and it was only afternoon
we couldnt hang round sheffield not that ether of us had seen any where we fancied eating at
so i suggest, me again making decisions, that we buy a shed load of food and a blanket and have a picnic by the lake at the hotel. So thats what we did we visited sainsburys and greggs for food
primark for a blanket and headed, rather early, to the hotel

we waited around the room 
in the room again! spend a lot of time in those 4 walls
5pm came round and i suggested going out for our picnic
it had been sunny for the last 2 hours
we went outside, started spitting
we walked back into our room to watch it hammer down
i was annoyed we'd been rained off
but also glad we werent in it or walking to food in it
so we ate on the bed like a couple of students
i had just literally finished my last mouth full, the room alarm goes off
adam, like a rocket up is butt ran out the room shouting for me to come
i said "im putting my shoes on" he said "no come on!" i said "no wait for me to put my shoes on"
what was his deal?
so i left the room and went to lobby
turns out the drains outside had been flooded and cars were needed to be moved
thats what the alarm was for
not for fire or anything
cus some drains had failed
seriously!?
thats health and safety gone mad
it had only been raining sodding half an hour!
i was about being sick as id literally had to run after eating and felt awful
so i needed a minute

we had just been laying there til adam said
"let go swimming" we got all ready to go, got there
pool shut
we were too late, turns out shuts earlier on a saturday
so back to the room we went where we spent the rest of the night
fun times my friends
i had a bath and went to bed
screw that crap 

today i woke up
id had an nightmare and not slept
just having restless sleep
feel knackered in the morning
i had a bath and got ready to leave the hotel
we walked allllllll they way to the train station
caught the train, my parents met us off the train and we took adam home first
then i went home with my parents 
i needed space
to be fair adam hadnt done anything wrong, just i was struggling mentally and i felt id had a crummy disappointing time

i came home and shared some cereal with Ozwald
he was happy to have me back
i unpacked and told my mum about my break away
she said to not let it put me off going away with mia next month
and im going manchester with mia so instantly it should be more fun
just i'll be on new medication by then which im a bit anxious about

at 2pm i went to adams to paint his mum's nails
and i stayed there for 2 hours
but got bored of sitting round cus thats all id done with him all weekend
i wasnt prepared to sit any longer
so came home and applied to some jobs and caught up online
designed nails, danced, just did what i wanted to do 

we've agreed we're not going sheffield again
or if we do then one of us is driving 
i didnt want to come THIS time but adam seemed keen so i gave in to him
i feel bad in a way cus ive been a real git to him 
and he always puts up with it i mean he did say i was hard work and buy some headphones for his phone but he told me he loves me and enjoyed spending time with me
i was in my bubble or in a mood
just struggling really, starting to get gaps in my memory as well ive noticed 
and having nightmares
im gonna be driven to insanity before i know it!

school tomorrow
please god let me sleep other wise i will be falling asleep in class
im going for a much needed run tonight!!!!!!!
glad to be home, my room, my space, my bed, please myself~

Need a stupid bloody blood test

Evening~

I took a sleeping tablet last night
I felt drowsy and then all of sudden out of no where
the effects quickly wore off...since when does this happen?
I have never had that happen before
so it took me a while to get to sleep
and the hopes of it sedating my body didnt work ether!

I woke up tired from fighting in my sleep
tired from the remnants of the sleeping tablet
I was in a mood or several moods this morning
I didnt know whether i wanted to cry, get annoyed, fight
i had no idea
I was all over the place
I tried my god to try even the playing field but it wasnt happening
i was suppose to be packing my stuff for tomorrow
but i couldnt think
that was annoying me
so in the end i got my trainers on and I went for a good run and it literally
was like a bloody run in the hope it would fix everything

it sorted me out a little bit
i was able to start packing for my 2 night get away

I had a phone call from the psychiatrist 
about medication
he offered a anti-depressiant i had already been on in the past but its effects fizzled
out after about 8 months so i was loath to try it again or even antidepressants for that matter
and i told him this and that i wasnt finding my psychologist helpful
he said i could go on an psychotic type drug thing but id need a blood test...
a sodding blood test..
is someone up there laughing at me or what!?
gotta have a stupid damn blood test as the new medication is strong and they have to make sure my liver is functioning properly. Also it can counter out any other medication well has the potential to anyway. So its gonna take some adjusting but might be worth it
it best be worth it as i need a sodding blood test
ahhhhhhhhhhh dont wanna go
hate it
cant cope with this crap
so ive got to wait in the post for my blood form and go get it done
ugh

the agency phoned and said ive got work for mon tue fri next week
as the usual school and the same one i applied for last night
nice to have work it just best no be boring
but its work

i went out to the shops by myself
picked up pet food, hair dye for next time and stuff mum wanted
walked to my car and couldnt remember where i had parked...not usually an issue i have
yesterday i got in the car with adam and i was driving but didnt know the route
losing my mind

been packing and did a bit of dancing
i havent stopped today all in aid to help me sleep tonight

i have yoga tonight
we have a different teacher
we have met her but never been taught by her
we thought we'd give it ago anyway seeing as karen is away on holiday
and we didnt go last week

tomorrow i go away til sunday!
just going away with adam to sheffield
its th place we stayed last april where he asked me out
he feels the need to go back
he says hes got me a surprise which hes been banging on about for the last week
him and his dad suck at surprises they dont do surprises
they cant wait to tell or drop hints
i keep shutting him up everytime he brings it up other wise i will know
hes got surprise tourettes!
we're going by train, adam's dad is picking me up at 10:30am
i will miss my Ozwald and i hope that im not dying of hay fever
and my god do i hope im not mentally deranged whilst im away

see ya in a bit~

Yosakoi

Konbanwa~~~~

I felt I slept pretty well despite being quite awake and shattered from Mia's
didnt get in til 10:15pm
she had got Todd with her as her parents were away
hes such an old man bless him
she chatted away and away but I dont mind
so yeah I felt I slept pretty well but I noticed the other nights
i keep waking up as im in a funny position
last night felt like I was wrestling with the sheets!
adam said friday night I fidgeted in my sleep a lot
what am I doing in my sleep?
no wonder im tired when I wake up

My morning was a cleaning morning
did some dancing
ahhhh speaking of dancing I have a new thing i wanna try!
Yosakoi!!! I have known about it for years but never knew what it was called
finally I know and I have been doing my research!
Yosakoi is a style of Japanese dancing combining old music and dance with new music and dance
its beautiful and I have always like that kinda thing
I saw some stunning performances of what has been going off this week in Japan
wish I was there!!
Its made me want to learn a Yosakoi
They dance traditionally in Yukata or Happi coat
Mia gave me a Yukata a while ago so I have that
but they also use in their hands Naruko
i needed Naruko
so I went on ebay and searched
i got the last cheapest pair for £5 
just have a go and a play with :D
the dances look hard, fast paced, complex and energetic
but I really would like a go!

So anyway I cleaned my room as it was ready
and I dont like coming back home to dirty room
I'd had a shower that morning as Id danced
but I suddenly decided that I was gonna dye my hair
so I dyed my hair and had another shower
its a little bit darker but all one colour now and shiny and soft
I had lunch and then adam came over
he found me fussing Oz on the sofa

we sat and had a talk and a brew with mum
then we went out to a town to walk round
went round a few charity shops and adam found a Noragami manga book
I hadnt got it and thought Id pick it up it was £1.50
the original price is £8.99! 
we went for ice cream my treat it was good :D

I did feel a bit more 'myself' today
not completely but better than the shell i have been lately
we went back to his talked with his dad but i got bored and walked off
we went in his room he said my pupils were huge
his weren't
why was mine large? he said i looked high XD

I came home and had dinner did my pot duty
then came upstairs to apply for a job i meant to do earlier
and applied for 2 more application forms
its the time schools want staff for september!

now its 6:45pm
im not going for a run as it means getting sweaty and I am not going
for a 3rd shower today!
i may dance a little bit 
got nails to design and to write a list of what to take on friday

here's some hair curlers i brought to try :)