Evening~~
went for a walk last night
happily creeping myself out
its not nice hearing and seeing stuff
some days its worse than others
last night was bad
i was seeing shadows hearing whispers
proper creepy i tried not to entertain them but i could feel my heart racing
After my walk I came in and put Kill Bill Vol.2 on
I still hadn't watched it!
Didnt realise it was 2 hours long T^T
takes a lot for me to sit still for that long
for me to watch a film, its an achievement!!
turns out the film sucked
I wasnt a fan of the first one I just thought Id see it through to the end
This morning I could not be arsed but as usual i found the motivation
I cleaned my pets out and managed to put them outside
its nothing but rained here and when it stops for half hour it comes
back with a vengeance so I havent been able to chance a walk yet!
I played a children's Japanese game on my DS Lite
I did some dancing which I enjoyed actually
Im currently learning I do believe its 5 dances...not sure why
im putting 5 dances on myself but hey im getting there
slowly
god knows when i will be able to record something XD
I sorted out some bits for tomorrow so I havent got too much to do tomorrow
i made myself a salad for lunch and noodle broth for dinner
been on my own practically all day
ive gotten through it some how
not been too mental or anything
I planned out a cross stitch i wish to do for mum for christmas
thought id start it now seeing as she's away so no disturbances
i drew it out so it matched her current two and then sat in front of 3 episodes
of Natsume Yuujin Chou Roku whilst sewing
thats how far i am
done eyes ears and feet
looks a little weird but even this far i can see where the rest of the two pigs are going
i will continue when i can~
i used to be really good at designing cross stitch
ive gotten out of touch with it its been so long
i had my girls in as they couldnt play outside
they did bugger all
maisy is always cuddling up to millie tho
tho millie isnt arsed
alice forever on her own in her own world
I suddenly decided that i wanted to learn a Halloween Dance
and now is the time to start it I feel
so i had a think through what i could learn
and out of all of them the one I enjoy the most is
AMB48's Halloween Night
such a fun dance
im tempted to ask mia to join me but i doubt she'll be committed enough
I havent seen her in 3 weeks
Tomorrow~~
mummy and daddy come home XD
well adam said to come up to his at 11am
which leaves the tricky business of lunch...
right now food is incredibly hard work for me
i get mentally beaten up everytime i eat!
so im dreading food tomorrow -____- shouldnt dread something as simple as lunch
from there I am going over to Tara's for 2pm
we're playing Bucket of Doom card game me adam tara and james
looking forward to it
and i get to hold her hammy ^^
tara is doing food for us but i think im ok with that as i know what were eating
so it takes the stress and anxiety away
it does mean i wont be home til late
and i wont see mum til late but i'll catch up with her at some point im sure
done so much dancing today
my joints actually hurt
if i do too much they hurt
not to mention i did 20 mins of yoga as well today
such clicking
i noticed today that my hip actually moves around whilst dancing
my joints arent supported hence the pain
monday im going chiropractor
ahhh its 8:25pm its dark
a part of me wants fresh air now its not actually raining
but not sure
Evening
I was up til 1am
had cereal, pain killers, hot chocolate and sat playing
pokemon crystal til 1am
was just aching and couldnt sleep
i managed to get off to sleep and woke up at 8am
my parents were leaving for Norfolk today
my brother was off to a skate park
and i wondered what id do with my day
so i popped off to the city centre by myself
there wasnt anything i particularly needed I just thought
id go check the sales out now the kids are back at school
and man was it quieter!
I went round quite a lot of shops
but didnt really buy much
i got 2 bows and earrings from Claires that came to a total of £5
gotta love sales!
Then Blue Banana had a sale on and I picked up a t-shirt for £10
usually £10 is my top end for t-shirts but that is still cheap and the stuff
from Blue Banana lasts a long time and the design was too cute to miss up on
a deer and peter pan collar!
I did wonder whether to eat in the city or to have a brew
or to go home
i saw the bus home and decided to get on it
made the decision for me i guess
i came home to an empty house
i sat and ate my lunch i made which was rice noodles and veg
it was good actually
i went on my laptop for a short while
i actually watched 2 episodes of anime!
I chose to watch the latest series of Natsume Yuujin Chou as I still havent seen it
came out ages ago and i LOVE Natsume Yuujin Chou
took me a while to find somewhere to watch it as my laptop is having
trouble loading anime videos
youtube videos are fine but anime isnt really on youtube
temperamental thing
I got my manga book in the post
Vol.1 of Wolf's Rain
simply cus i want to draw the wolves out of it, not to read it XD
was only £2.44 and came out in 2003!!! Oh my god i had no idea is was THAT old
no wonder it was so cheap XD
I got the £200 I need to pay adam with for the Euros and French holiday
I drew a chibi on the envelope im putting the money in X3 got too much time
spoke to the agency and emailed 2 other agencies
basically want work here fellas!
I did some dancing for 30 mins
i actually recorded myself practising and i know it wasnt a good practise as
id had enough quite frankly so the dancing sucked
I ordered a DVD online, new for £3.70
found it second hand in a shop today for £4 so im glad i waited and brought
it new online :D
its called 'the girl who leapt through time'
been meaning to watch it for years!
i put a bid on 'your name' as i want to watch that also~
my parents got to Norfolk alright and said the room isnt up to much
and the weather a bit iffy but apart from that ok
ive been ok i havent needed company
but i know i will feel it tonight
so i have an idea tonight
i think im gonna out
just walk to the pub and sit and have a drink and just sit and doodle
then it wont be such a long evening and its stimulation in a way
not done it before so kinda looking forward to trying that
tomorrow got the girls to clean out
and im not sure what to do as the weather is set to be pouring down like all day
so guess i'll have to find something to entertain myself with
got to do some japanese tonight as i didnt do any yesterday cus of yoga and stuff
Evening
I slept~
no morning walks for me~
The sheer amount of moods I have gone through today
unreal
The floral design work i did for my brother
wasnt to his liking ive offered more help but hes given up
I danced this morning
i cleaned my room
I went out and whilst i was at hobby craft
despite telling him THREE times where i was
adam still caught the bus to my house!!
it kinda annoyed me as i felt i had to come away from my little outing
to come home to him!
i felt quite annoyed but tried to see the positive in the fact he'd come to see me
it was hard but the mood did shift eventually
we didnt do much as it was pouring down outside
we went up to his house and i played Okami
i was able to have a bit more of a play with him now his back is more recovered
i mainly wore his bed duvet as a cape all after noon as i was damn cold
i came home for yoga
yoga was damn hard it was leg movements as we were aiming for splits
ive wanted to do splits for a long time
i cant do it, my ligaments scream at me
and karen says its my hyper mobility syndrome its the way it is
but it may improve over time
i want to be able to do splits! my body isnt taking anything else from me!
i had to demonstrate a move for her i can do as easily as breathing
due to my hyper mobility
my nails this week
tomorrow mum and dad go away for the weekend
im gonna miss mum
heck i''ll miss company as i can see me spending a lot of time by myself
over the friday and saturday
hate it
every night im lonely like a pathetic loser
last night i drew a picture of my dream in my little book
and then i watched the new series of Task Master ^^
From Hobby Craft I brought 2 A5 sketchbooks
one for france
one for tenerife
and a new sketchbook for when my other one runs out
and some birthday stickers ive been meaning to buy
Evening~~
I woke up at 5am
having a dream that I could tell was gonna twist into a nightmare
and some part of me woke up, i woke up groaning in my sleep
my dream was my other personality sitting beside me
holding the same clock contract from Chrono Crusade
and as soon as she held that up I had feeling stuff was gonna kick off
as I know the bit from Chrono Crusade
'my blood mixed with yours, we'll walk the same time'
i knew something twisted was gonna happen and luckily I was able to wake up
waking up didnt truly save me tho as I had her present quite strongly
I laid there til 5:30am
til eventually I got up, I knew I couldnt sleep with that amount of mentalness
and my aches too well it was my joints that needed clicking really
so I got up and went for a walk at 5:50am for 40 mins
I came home and sat watching stuff on my ipod til 7am
had breakfast and was back in bed at 8am were i managed to sleep for an hour
I got up and danced for a bit, i was so sweaty
showered and then sat making a birthday card for adam
cute huh~ me and Ozwald
and on the inside im sticking this
my very crudely drawn Spyro the Dragon
as I wish to buy that for him as a belated birthday present
i changed my bed and had some lunch which mum kindly made for me
later on we went out just to TK MAXX i didnt buy anything as i didnt need anything
but mum was happy with what she brought which was holiday stuff really
we went round a couple more shops then went for a walk
got quite hot actually today
I came back and did some design work for my brother
which he has yet to see so im not sure if it was what he had in mind
he was struggling to draw basically
so i sat and did that for 90mins
we had a squirrel in the garden
we've not had one for a long time, they pass by on the fence panel but
dont come in the garden, not since my brother shot the last one
it eyed up Oz and Oz had his ears on it
it got closer and closer to Oz til i went out as i didnt like what was happening
no way was that thing touching my boy
i fussed Oz who was a little stressed but soon chilled out once he knew i was on scene
he knows i protect
got to do some japanese tonight
running out of brain power XD
so done 2 walks today and dancing
i felt alone last night
like unhappy alone
i wanted someone there but didnt want to make conversation
its like i just want someone in the room with me
i start by being irritated like i cant rest or sit still
then after thats passed im lonely
its every night lately and ive had enough!
im dreading tonight and its only 6:45pm
tomorrow im cleaning my room
as i can see dust
adam was on about seeing me and then i have yoga
Evening~
I slept well ^^ finally~
I woke up aching
just ached man all over
so I thought if I did some exercise id feel better
that lead me doing 40 mins of dancing
i was sweating
yet when i got in the shower my butt was freezing...
why do i have like zero circulation in my arse?
i did a fair bit of japanese to make up for yesterday
I spent the rest of my morning drawing actually
i drew this yesterday and remembered to photograph it
the Japanese says
'Hitori no mayonaka kore wa jiyuu nanka ja nai'
basically translating to
'being alone at night isnt freedom'
quite liked those lyrics and i formed this picture from them
took me between 30 - 40 mins and its A4
what i was drawing this morning was a picture in my thoughts book
and a picture to go on the front of adam's birthday card
i will photograph the birthday one
but sometimes im never sure whether to share whats in my thoughts book
i dont show anyone whats in it
and its pictures that mean something to me
after lunch I went for a walk with mum
and she treated me to a brew which was nice
i came home and then went to see adam
who'd had his first driving lesson in 10 years
he said he did alright and i was glad as it does his confidence some good
i was dreading someone coming along and knocking his confidence
i want him to do this!
we went for a walk then came in and sat with a brew i wasnt gonna have one
but i was so damn cold i needed warming up
and then we talked with his dad then i went home as i only saw him for a couple of hours
dont think he wants to see me tomorrow
which im kinda glad about as he has to get up early for an physio appt
so he will be crippled all day and i cant be dealing with the moaning
i dont give sympathy
so ive done today
40 mins dancing
15 mins yoga in my room
30 min walk with mum
30 min walk with adam
just dont stop and its like it everyday
im tired!!!
but i choose to do these things as it helps quieten my head
but i still had to really think through about eating a cookie mum had made today
i ate one
but i wish i hadnt as its set everything off quite nicely in my head
my guineas stink they need a bath
tomorrow i havent decided what im gonna do
Evening~~
I didn't sleep that well
couldnt get off til almost 1am
i was up til 12:30 had a hot chocolate
woke up at 3am sneezing in my sleep and then was
awake for a short time.
mum woke me up at 7:30am for my appointment with Karen
I arrived on time to karens at 9am
i enjoyed my massage
came home for a shower
then i sat and drew and went online
had lunch and got ready to see adam
cus yeah i wanted to see him today
im so messed up and its not fair on him
i picked him up and we went for a walk and i brought
us both a brew
we sat in the SAME cafe i sat in last week by myself
last week i sat happily on my own doodling whilst drinking a brew
this week, well i felt a panic attack coming on
i have NO IDEA why
cant work it out
adam said a few times "you ok?" "something up?"
in the end when we had our drinks he said "you want to go? you look stressed"
and i have no idea why i was like that but i think if i had stayed
in that cafe any long then i would have had a panic attack
over nothing as well
so we left and walked back to the car
he said "was it too noisy or busy?" but no the cafe was only half full
and its a small cafe too
i cant figure out what the problem was
he said "anything you were thinking about?"
there wasnt or not that i can remember
we went to his house
sat with his dad but i wasnt in the mood to make small talk
i let adam talk with his dad
i just needed a minute to recover really
so adam asked if i wanted to go upstairs and i did as i dont think i could
have sat on those sofas any longer not that we were there for long
adam tried to give me affection
i pushed him away, i didnt give it back, i didnt want it
and i could tell he was finding it hard and was asking
me for the 100th time today "is everything ok?"
he kept saying to me that i was tense and holding myself and my arms close to my body, that nothing bad is gonna happen and i dont need to be so tense
but when something inside you is telling you not to let him touch you its hard to ignore
he gave up in the end with a look of resignation
he said "im not gonna give up on giving you affection"
i said "but ive been fine in the past why am i like this now?"
he said "youve been like it for weeks"
i said "i feel like ive gone backwards"
he sighed
i said "what if i have gone backwards? will you be disappointed in me?"
he said "no i will just have to start all over with you"
i felt quite bad an inadequate as a girlfriend
especially when he said "i cant even touch my own girlfriend"
yeah i felt a bit crap as im so busy defending myself from touch and love im not looking at what its doing to those who do want to touch and love me.
and i realised that today
something in me just kinda clicked into place
and i felt like the 'old' me the me from a year ago
i felt different emotions i felt emotions for adam and i felt relaxed around him and ok with life
and i think adam noticed the change too
as he gave me a hug and i hugged him back and was fine with affection
he said "this is the Jo I love"
and i felt like i hadnt been around for quite a while
which scared me a little as i worry that maybe i could have more that 2 personalities
he didnt want to let me go as i could give the affection back
and i think he was making the most of it XD
he said "i enjoyed today"
i said "i cant remember what we did today"
took a few moments to recall what had happened but almost felt like
they were someone elses memories i had shifted through
i left for home at 6:45pm
did myself some dinner
showered and got guineas in as it rained
mum came in and i made her scrambled egg on toast for her ^^
i never get to cook for her
then we went for a walk at 8pm as we both felt restless
she asked me where id been and i once again had to take a few moments to recall it
weird
tomorrow is having his first driving lesson in 10 years XD
i hope he takes to it and can remember stuff from all those years ago
he basically tried to learn to drive and packed it in
ive encouraged him to get behind the wheel again
then he said he'd like to see me but i told him theres no guarantee what mood i'll be in
here's the plush ive done him for his birthday
Evening~~
It took me a while to sleep as I was aching
then I woke up at 4am aching
i turned over and literally my entire spine cracked it was awful
and didnt provide any relief to my pain ether
i laid there til 5:30am and thats when I decided Id had enough
id get up and have pain killers
at 5:45am I went for a walk round the neighbourhood for 45 mins
only encountered 1 person it was so dead! good tho
I came in and did 30 mins of yoga
anything to relieve my aches
by 7:45am I decided Id go back to bed as I didnt fancy starting my day
at 4 in the morning
i fell asleep and woke up at 10am
just when i woke up adam texted "what do you want to do today?"
i just groaned and told him id only just woke up due to a rough night
and that to please him self
never did i say that i was seeing him
i did some dancing at 11am then had a shower
id done almost 2 hour of exercise before lunch time!
adam kept asking and suggesting places but i just could not face going up to see him
its not him entirely its just the whole thing
if youve ever watched ''The Truman Show' you'd understand
as literally the same thing happens each and every week even the conversation
is similar!! its so boring
so i felt like this and felt i didnt want to be touched in any shape or form from him
i wasnt in the mood to play happy families up at his house
or be the sodding entertainer
so i told him i wasnt coming out i was staying home today
i read on my bed a bit
i just wanted quiet but i was a lil bored
i ached and was tired and short on energy
i danced then went back to read again
the door bell goes
adam has walked over in this heat to see me
and i was happy he'd done that but i also hoped the afternoon
wasnt gonna be painfully dragged out and dull
we sat and talked all afternoon
we talked about france too as two weeks today i will be in france!
i told him my worries basically and talked about other bits
he wanted my affection but i wasnt feeling it
like didnt feel much of anything lately
apart from pain
he said to me "youve been hard work past few weeks"
i said "thanks"
at first he wouldnt justify why i was being hard work but i got it out of him eventually
apparently its because ive been moody, not wanted to see him, not wanted to go over or leave the house.
i couldnt argue cus its true and i know i have been hard work
which is why i ask him "why are you still bothering with me?"
and i get "its because i love you"
i said "all I am to you is a habit you cant kick, youd only be stuck at home if you hadnt have come here"
he didnt look that impressed at that
i said "what if it doesnt get better? what if im always hard work from now on?"
he said "id still be with you"
theres just no getting rid of this guy huh
i walk all over him XD which i like to remind him of regularly
as much as i wouldnt want him to give up on me im not sure how bothered id be if my relationship failed as i cant see myself being with him in the future anyway
ive told him numerous time that im not marrying and i couldnt live with him
yeah im jerk i know i am i say stuff with no filter or regard to their feelings
i dropped adam off home as i wasnt that heartless to make him walk again
not that i asked him to come over
not sure what to do tonight
tomorrow i have got karen at 9am
looking forward to any help with my pain
its my pain illness thats having a flare up, stupid Fibromylgia
i cant wait for it to pass
hope i sleep tonight
as for the rest of tomorrow not 100% sure
the birthday card i made for tara~
