Evening
I had a good time at Mia's last night
we just sat and talked really so it was nothing special
but did me good to see her
she has a tiny window by her back door and i always pull a face in whilst
waiting for her to come to the door
this time i could hear she was behind the door sorting pots in the kitchen
i crept to the window and popped my eyes out with a funny face
she turned round and it didnt half scare her XD
she was laughing and her heart was pounding
she says shes gonna get a blind for that window XD
i love getting up to mischief
i left at 9:15pm
id had enough it was cold in her house and my stomach hurt
my stomach has been in knots for past few days
just like anxious stomach really so i dont want food and food isnt sitting right
one ive eaten it
i weighed myself this morning and id lost more weight
bringing the total to 2.4kg
im surprised to be honest as i havent been going out my way to lose weight
its just kinda dropping
im keeping an eye on it
i did say a few weeks ago that my weight kept going up so id like to lose weight
and be at 8stone 10pounds
this morning i weighed myself and im 8 stone 11 pounds
so i suppose im almost where i want to be
its just if it keeps dropping after that
doesnt help having my stomach in knots
this morning the phone didnt ring thank god
as i dont feel i could have coped, mentally, with going to another school and working
just felt not myself at all
mum said yesterday all day it was like i was there in body but not in mind
and i think ive been like it today as well
i did get up and dance and got sweaty
worked mainly on Uza
loving that dance, im crap at it like, but i do enjoy it
did some yoga before i danced too
my collar bone muscle is getting better but still giving me jip
had a shower then went on my laptop
printed a few bits out to do with my holiday
didnt want lunch at all but ate it
felt bad after eating it mentally and physically
went for a short walk with mum and we had a brew in a cafe we've been to before
but we noticed after we'd ordered that they have 'toffee apple' hot chocolate
on the menu so we want to go back and try it!!!!!! well i do mum doesnt XD
we walked back and came home
i did some japanese
cus i havent done any for 2 days
i wrote out a list of stuff to take on holiday with me
then went on just dance 3 for 20mins i did really well
suppose to be going tara's tonight but if she leaves it much later
it wont be worth me going round soon!
means i could maybe eat dinner before i go instead of microwaving it
but she lives 20mins away
we shall see
id like to see her and i guess im not doing much else
i finished the tea and coffee guinea pig today
i will be sure to photograph it
it looks alright actually i think i will frame it and give it mum
for christmas to put up in the kitchen maybe
tomorrow ive got yoga and maybe going out for the hot choc
havent been yoga in a couple of weeks
ive been doing home practice but it doesnt compare to the torture karen puts you through
my nails this week
Evening~
I slept alright
i got a phone call for work today
typically
a day i cant do and i get a phone call!
someone out there likes screwing me over it seems
I got ready in the morning to go school and sign some paper work
the staff in the reception were all lovely
and i saw the head teacher briefly and thanked her
i had to fill an online form about my address and such
then i had to do my medical one...
i listed i had depression and see a psychologist
i kinda thought just in case, mentally, i find the job hard
physically i didnt bother listing my issues as i didnt feel the need
i had to list my medication as well
i told the lady that i will need to leave half an hour earlier one day starting
as i have a psychology appointment to go to and she was fine with that
but i felt bad for already asking for time off!
i asked to be shown round the school which is huge
truly a big school
with 2 of each class that racks the total number of students up to 450
its a lot and its big and a lot to get used to
i felt a bit overwhelmed with it all
i came home and i felt too churned up inside to eat anything so i didnt have lunch
mum came home and i sat and told her about my morning
told her how theyve applied for a council card for me
that i will have to pick up from a council building
and that i havent got my contract yet that will happen in a few weeks
and how everyone is nice and i will be teacher in the lower key stage of the school
so that will be ether ages 4 to 7
so at least i know i will be able to do the work
and i get paid roughly what i am being paid now
its til easter then they will have a review but she said that she can see my placement
being extended
a lot of information to take in i told mum
i went for a walk to try clear my head
i came back and went to Boots and Wilkos with mum for a few bits
came back and had a brew
sat on laptop but wasnt feeling it
i tried to paint using coffee but it was hard to tune off from thoughts
all i could think about was my holiday and work
two very big things for me and i dont know if its because im feeling fragile today
but i got a bit upset as everything feels too much to deal with
mum reassured me
but she did say that all of today ive been distant like my body is in the room but my mind isnt
i didnt notice to be honest
i had dinner and now im gonna go for a shower and see mia
she wants to do yoga but i dont
ive had a banging head ache all day so im not putting myself through more for her sake
im shattered too
i want to socialise but im so damn tired
tomorrow not sure what im doing
probably not work as i have nothing on so no work will come through
might see tara in the evening
Evening~
Couldnt get off to sleep despite picking up my kindle
for the first time in about 2 weeks
i woke up at 6:50am
i got up ready in case the phone rang
it didnt
so i did 30 mins of yoga then 20 mins of dancing
i needed a shower
Ed had said yesterday that by 9am we will know if were meeting up
he didnt text til 10am saying he over slept
he eventually made his way over
but i couldnt be arsed
dont know what was up with me but i just didnt want to socialise today
i was happy in my own bubble
i started tea staining some paper to do art and was gonna spend my day doing art
but i should be grateful for company
some days i crave company as im lonely
just today didnt want it
i couldnt even be arsed to get ready for him XD
I had some lunch and was ready
he didnt arrive til 1:15pm
he didnt want to go out he wanted to stay inside with me
we talked and he cuddled right up to me and wanted to kiss me
i didnt want attention or affection so was giving him the cold shoulder
but i did eventually come round and start being nice to my guest XD
I was annoyed at him as he had a cold and sore throat....
he didnt tell me
my immune system is terrible and i go away next week
so im wondering now if i will be full of cold for when i go away now
if i am i will skin him
we didnt do much other than talk and he let me play his Nintendo Switch as
i have never been on one before
i was pretty good actually we went on Mario Cart
i wouldnt have one tho
he left eventually
i felt like i was kicking him out but i did want to go running club
even tho it had rained alllll day today
i still wanted to go
running club was hard work
people are all over the place and because of that
i ended up running in a group of 4 and did 3.5 miles
thats the furthest ive ever ran
they wanted me to run 4 but i wanted to be able to walk in the morning
came home showered and made beans on toast and washed up
and thats it
im sick of the weather
it was good to see Ed today
im grateful hes travelled to come see me on his motorbike in the rain
even tho i tried to put him off from doing that
tomorrow i have to be at my new school at 11am to sign all the paperwork!
hopefully i will hear more about the role and actually look round the school!
not got anything else on so i might do the art work id like to attempt
i basically want to do a picture of a guinea pig using tea and coffee as my medium
i hope i sleep tonight
my body is tired
Evening
I went to bed at 10:30pm
i had watched the 5th episode of Killing Eve
its good ^^
I woke up at 7:30 but refused to get up so i dosed til 8:30am
it has rained all day
luckily it stopped raining for 10mins this morning so mum quickly
cleaned girls out i offered to do it but she wanted to
i had a shower and stuff
then mum said she was going city centre with dad
so i hitched a lift
as really i had nothing else to do
so when we got their i went shops myself
i picked up some christmas card making materials i do need for this year's card making
pound shop is amazing for that kinda thing
i went and got Voodoo Vixen top its plain black
suppose to be £24.99 lord knows why as its just plain
no logo nothing but i got it for £5
the quality of that brand is stunning tho
and that was all really
met up with parents and we had been 90 mins all together
and came home
had lunch which was soup
then i sat on my laptop but didnt achieve much
so i got my documents ready for tuesday
mum and dad went out briefly so i went and danced
felt good to burn some energy off even tho i had little energy
felt good to move, rain can make you feel sluggish
then they came home and i went for a 40 min walk
i got a little wet like i did walking round the city centre but meh
its better than doing nothing
came in and had a brew
tried to read but my dad is so irritating, hes just one big noise
the man never stops making noise does my head in
everything from the way he yawns to how he eats to the amount of gas he produces
just noise
ive had enough of him on a sunday
sunday is the worst day of the week for me
i hate it when i have no where to go or nothing to do
and today i havent done anything creative in the slightest
just been tired and so uncreative i really have
like no desire to create or ideas
i hate it when this happens
but must be because im tired and have other stuff on the mind
i had dinner and watched an episode of "white Gold"
with my brother then came back upstairs as dad came into us
i seem to always leave the room when he enters
funny that
ive had my piglets inside today
they do bugger all inside but i fussed them
tomorrow i doubt i will have work
but i got stuff ready just in case that phone magically rings
dont know if Ed still wants to see me not heard from him today
if not i plan to do something creative with my day
i had creative ideas yesterday but when it came to planning them out
they ether wouldnt work or i didnt like them
but thats part of designing i guess~
hopefully the weather wont be so crummy tomorrow
we've had 2 days of wind then a day of rain
Evening
Today marks the 10 day counter til I go abroad!!
cant believe its only 10 days away!
Could not sleep -____-
just couldnt really even tho i was tired
woke up at 7am and got up to do park run
but it was still incredibly windy from yesterday
probably worse today actually
We got to park run and mum came
she was happy to see her friends and told them briefly about her holiday
i went and pegged off
i was determined towards the end to just get the bloody race done with XD
i waited round for mum and was surprised to see her come running round the corner
with her friend, they were running well actually
luckily mum's friend waited for the rest of the crew so we were able to go home
got home and waited for mum to shower
then i showered
felt done in and tired
got my times through
i was 88th place out of 243 people
11th female to finish!
and a new PB of 27:03 which like 3 seconds quicker than last week XD
not sure how i get 5k done in 27mins if im honest
mum isnt sure ether XD
i made porridge for lunch
it was all i wanted really
left it in the microwave cooking whilst i went for a quick wee
the wee ended up being long!
so i dashed out the toilet to find dad stood in front of the micowave
watching the porridge as it bubbled up to the lip of the bowl just
as i pressed stop
he said "why do you think im stood here? i could have done that"
so why didnt he? why did he let it get all the way to the tip of the bowl
if you ask me, and this is something he'd do
he was gonna wait til it bubbled over then tell me off for being stupid
leaving something in the microwave
sad i think that about my own dad but that is how he is
last night i went on just dance 3 for 15mins
enjoying myself whilst dad was on the computer
this was the first ever time my dad had seen me dance or play just dance
mum told me today he'd said
"what sort of 26 year old dances on a wii?"
mum said "its actually quite popular to do that kinda thing, besides its dancing. its fitness and a skill at the end of the day"
dad said "perhaps im wrong then"
i said to mum "he doesn't approve of anything i do"
she said "i think he thinks every thing you do is immature"
i said "he just doesnt like me mum, ive accepted that"
mum and dad went out shopping
i did some baking
i wanted to do some the other day but didnt get my chance
so i made white chocolate chip cookies
they seem to have gone down well :)
i ate the left over mixture and a hot cookie out the oven
luxury that i really wanted!
i went for a 50 min walk
through the woods
the wind had fallen a tree so i had to extend my walk a lil as it literally went over the path
there was a felled tree in the park run as well
wind is so destructive
i came home and my dad helped me fill my form out for my job
its all the stuff i need to be employed but never done it before
as the 2 jobs ive had ive been sub-contracted never fully employed
went and did some drawing
didnt come out too badly
i havent done any digital drawing in like a week!
just not had that urge to do any
designed my nails as well this week
hoping ive got the brain power to do some japanese tonight
ah my body is tired
hopefully i will sleep better tonight
Ed isnt comign tomorrow as he doesnt fancy riding his motorbike through the awful weather we have forecast
god knows what i'll do tomorrow cus my god the weather looks awful!
and i dont have anything else really to do
i havent even got any anime to watch
im trying to get into another one but havent had any luck
but i have only tried 2 i guess
my piggies again
Evening~~~
I slept ok and woke up at 7:45!
lay in for me it would seem but i think its because
a part of myself said to myself last night
"screw waking up early phone doesnt ring anyway"
I got up tho and continued with the day
still in my pajamas and eating my breakfast at 8:50am my phone rings
course it does
a school 20 mins away wants me
i said "i can do it but i wont be there before 9:30am"
they said it was fine
so yeah i put my girls away
left my brother a nice note basically saying clean up duty was to him
grabbed my satnav and went
i was worried i wasnt gonna find the school because it wasnt showing
on my satnav
i found the school, but found the whole area was permit only
so i parked a lil while away seeing as the school had no car park
not that i used school car parks as believe it or not sometimes you have to pay for them!
i got to the school and they were all very welcoming
lovely building very very old, like brick work everywhere and incredibly high ceilings
i was put in foundation so aged 4-5 years old
and literally just read with children all morning
teacher was nice but had such a prompt teaching assistant that there
wasnt much work for me as she had done it day before!
i sat alone in the staff room at break
and continued reading at lunch
went for a walk in the rain at lunch and eventually found my car
ate my lunch which consisted of biscuits, apple, and grapes
as it was all i had time to grab this morning!
went back to school as i was cold and made myself a tea
after lunch we went outside for a bit just to let them run around
they had show and tell
then assembly were i was asked to take down a wall display so that was something more stimulating to do at least
then it was break time i was on duty
then pretty much home time
very easy money
i came home then
no one was home as my brother had gone to fetch my parents from the airport
so i did a bit of dancing and put my girls out
mum and dad came in and it was good to see mum
bit disappointed she'd brought dad back with her
but we cant have everything in life now can we
i heard a lot about their holiday
i was so tired i wasnt in the mood to hear it or talk back
but did my best
motivated mum with having dinner as no one seemed to want dinner
but i hadnt lived off much today so i wanted dinner!
so i helped her do pasta
then i laid on sofa
just in the quite
got up and went on Just Dance 3
theres a song ive been on 4 times now and on my 4th attempt i got 9821 points out of 10,000!
well impressed at that fluke!
then went for a shower
i got my paper work through the post to sign my job form basically
a lot of paperwork for a proper job it seems!
my brother did a great job of tidying up ^^
and didnt mardy over it ether
mum and dad are safe and have had a good time
but unsure whether they'd like to go away again would you believe!
some things theyve said puts me off about going away with adam
speaking of which i still havent responded to him after yesterday him being jerk
he has txt me 3 times today but i couldnt be bothered with him
tomorrow is park run
hopefully motivate mum in to going
shes not keen but i think its cus shes tired
it was good to have work today
it was all day work too
makes a change
but its making me wonder how much i will be able to hack my new job
im hoping i will get into the swing of things and get into routine
of a normal life really
ive lost in 2 weeks 4lbs so im pleased with that
which is about 1.8kg
Ed is on about maybe seeing me this weekend but shall see
i took some photos of my guineas this week
Konbanwa
Couldnt be arsed to start the day
it had taken me close to midnight to drift off
i felt stressed about the teaching assistant position and my dad
dad can usually stress anyone out
and jobs and money are prime topics for him
when id been on the phone to mum yesterday
he was chipping in, in the background
so when I woke up at 7:20am i just couldnt face it
and stayed in bed a whole 5 mins! XD
I did start my day
did a bit of dancing
my collar bone really hurts im getting pain up my neck to my ear from it and down my arm
must be a good muscle to create that much pain
then i went for a shower
i went out to the shops as we had no sugar
i looked round charity shops as well
but nothing good
then came home
sorted washing out
ended up washing my brother's headphones he'd left inside a shirt
so yeah he was ok about it as it wasnt my fault
he should have taken them out
i had some lunch in front of my laptop
then i went for a 45min walk which was alright
i did some dancing and Ed was messaging me on whats app
he asked if he could watch me practice my dancing
so thats what i did!
felt so weird and nervous showing someone my practice
as i havent even finished or perfected the dances!
but he said i did well and impressed i can remember all the moves
felt weird tho having someone there but not
video calls are strange things XD
adam txted me
felt like he was saying things to try and upset me
it was along the lines of that whilst we are away people will see me in a bikini
yes im aware of this which is why i havent brought a revealing bikini
he said "people will stare and try touch you and put their arms around you"
i said "no they wont, wont you help?"
he said "i will if they get too grabby but its different now im not your boyfriend"
so i said "thanks like i dont have enough to worry about and enough anxiety and now youre telling me stuff like that and that you wont be much help. why you telling me these things?"
he said "just to prepare you, for your sake i hope it doesnt happen"
i refused to txt him back
i felt quite sick
i was tempted to ring my brother who has been greece this year, and ask him if this behaviour does in fact happen. but i told myself i would wait til he got home
Ed message me so i thought id tell him what adam said
he said "if it actually happened youd hear about it, the most you will get is stares. you will be fine dont worry about it"
did make me feel a lil better
i havent text adam back cus that was totally not needed
and im surprised he said that
he knows i dont feel comfortable around men
what did he think i was gonna do? take him back just so hes my boyfriend on holiday?
like hes trying to get back at me or something
who knows
i made myself some dinner which wasnt good really
did some yoga in front of a dvd
my brother came home so i told him my concerns and he said
that doesnt happen when youre away and if it does you just knee em in the balls
he says the sooner i ditch adam the better
he says even tho ive told adam im not leading him on that my relationship with him is weird and cant last. i told him what i keep telling everyone else
i have a holiday to go on, i dont want it to be hard work so im being nice now for the sake of the holiday, when i come back off holiday i will be starting my new job and wont see him as i wont have time anyway.
today has been very very slow if im honest
ive been in one of those moods were i wouldnt mind doing something
but i dont know what i feel like doing
i did do some japanese today as i didnt do any yesterday
too fried
oh i did the ironing as well today
tomorrow mum and dad return
cant wait to see mum i feel like i need the reassurance of her presence some how
need a hug and catch up with her
just seeing her will make me feel better im sure
they should be home around 3 - 4pm
im gonna clean up
and make some cookies too in case they want anything to snack on when they come in
maybe see mia at some point
but she hasnt txt me back
not sure how well i have coped with my parents being away for a week
ive eaten less knowing i can get away with it
mentally ive struggled as i feel like ive tuned into any interaction i can get
so ive been very in tune to my other half
its been so loud like having another person in the room
just because i have no company
shows i couldnt live by myself right now
god knows what would be left of me
some anorexic schizo
