Tenerife tomorrow!!

Evening~~

I woke up at 7am but didnt get up til 8:15am
once again i hadnt got off to sleep til almost 1am
just couldnt get off really
so i was tired

i did a bit of just dance 3 this morning but not for long
went in the shower and when i came out my brother took
me to the council building to get my ID badge
got there and they couldnt find it -_____-
yeah course they couldnt
and said the guy who authorises them is in a meet him
course he is
so i came away empty handed
i was fuming 
especially as it meant another trip to there and id wasted my brother's time also

got home and went straight out again to take my qualifications to school
the school was dead..
luckily the receptionist was there and said the school has 2 weeks off for half term
instead of 1 and they have 5 weeks off in summer instead of 6
strange but ok
i showed her my qualifications and asked her how secure the job is as its been worrying me she said "oh no were having you now, 2 weeks time youll be here. why cant you believe it?"
i said "no i cant and ive been worrying about it"
so i felt tonnes better for asking about that
and i was lucky with my timing as the receptionist is only there today and tomorrow then off!

i came home and started on packing
a task i could not be arsed to do!
its so dull but didnt take that long actually
the phone rang it was the council to say they have my card...
figures
i rang mum to ask if she'd go with me as its on my mind and i want to get it done
done and never return kinda thing!
but my brother kindly took me ^^
i got there and got it
done dusted
the mix up was this
i have my surname but i like children to call me by my mother''s maiden name
as i despise my surname with a passion and cringe when people call it me
just do and always have hated it
relates me to that side of the family
so i told the school id like the kids to know me as my mother's maiden name
they said it was fine
what i didnt know was that was the name theyd applied for my council card in
so no wonder they couldnt find me
no one told me!
not bothered ether way
my brother thinks im weird using another name but i guess hes got to like his surname hes stuck with it for life whereas i have the chance to marry someone with a tasteful surname XD

i came back and me and mum had a brew then popped out to pets at home
came home and i went on my laptop 
then i went to running club
we did 3.6 miles probably my furthest yet
and i was at the front too
i really did well
it felt good too, running hard, getting the day out my system, the mood was clear and almost full.
yup enjoyed it and could feel id worked
came home and microwaved my food it was nice not to have to make something when i came in thats beauty of mum not coming out for her walk
i feel sorry for her tho with her bad foot
since coming off holiday her foot has hurt her so shes missed out on loads of walking
missing out on her social life too
she says shes gonna miss me

cus yes tomorrow i go!
god im nervous and excited
i asked adam what time his mum is picking me up and he says
"my dad says 11:15am"
seriously...once again his dad is involved
our plane leaves at 2:25pm planes are never on time ether
we have to be there between an hour and a half and 2 hours before take off
its a 20min journey
so we would be stupidly early 
i think 2 hours before flight is early enough!
his dad likes to be stupidly early to everything
so i told adam balls to his dad and we do this how we want to 
besides its his mum who is taking us and it has nothing to do with his dad
also my mum will be home at 11:30am and i would like to see her before i go
so i told him 12 is fine
and he says him and his mum are fine with 12
so yeah i have til 12 tomorrow
wont be home til late on tuesday ether
enough time for a shower, Oz and bed well hopefully Oz anyway
speaking of which my cuts are very bruised!!!!
but hes fine and i will miss him T^T
i will miss mum and my brother too

few mile stones will happen
first time on a plane for 16 years
first time abroad with out parents
first time having this long away from home
i have a lot to be nervous about!
i hope everything goes ok i really really do
adam seems nervous but hes ok with me which is the main thing

tomorrow morning i might go on just dance to burn some steam off before i have to be sat on my arse all day
so dont expect me back til 30th 
i will blog on halloween!
see ya

One Rabbit can do all that!?

Evening~

I could not sleep last night
to say my pain had been good all day it suddenly changed in bed
just landed on me like a tonne of bricks
i felt like death i hurt so very much and didnt know what to do with myself
was close to 1am by time i slept
Id watched another episode of Killing Eve its good ^^

This morning I woke up at 8am
i got up at 8:10am 
wanted more sleep but it wasnt to be
once i wake up its rare i get off again
so i had a pajama morning XD

I cleaned my room in my pajamas so its all nice a fresh for when i come home
i sneezed so much but it wasnt that dusty
then i did get dressed because my parents went out so i decided to play just dance
i was on it a while enjoying myself
tried new songs and some are hard but i just enjoyed it ^^
then I went for a walk which was a little over an hour long
it was such a lovely day and exercise has been helping me tune off to life
i always walk with my ipod on

came back had lunch
then i went on my laptop for a bit
i went out to Oz as there was a helicopter circling round the neighbourhood and he looked a lil spooked by the noise of it all. So i bent down talked to him, stroked him then picked him up
at that point a neighbour started up their lawn mower and i think that combine with the helicopter was Oz's breaking point.
He    went    mad
honestly he went mental in my hands i was trying to hold on to him best i could as we were on wooden flooring outside i didnt want to drop him from standing height cus i didnt want him to break a bone or hurt himself
all you could see was fur flying everywhere 
i could feel him scratching me but i didnt care
i managed to semi bend over and lost my grip on him
but at least it wasnt from full height
and hopped right off into the shed so he was ok
me on the other hand....
left arm

right arm

left thigh (i have more closer to my private areas so didnt photograph them) it went through clothing can you believe that!?

i have 3 scratches on my left boob and 3 scratches on my right boob
all this 2 days before im set to wear a bikini.....
my luck huh
mum says it looks like ive tried to commit suicide
they didnt hurt really cus im cool with pain and theres worse pain
its more the bruising that hurts now if anything
im gonna look a state in a bikini now
my skin is so pale so red stands out
all well
main thing is that Oz is ok, i wasnt bothered what happened to me

i did a bit of doodling 
then had a brew in the silence~
i did a bit of dancing
went to have a shower and remembered to bleach my eye brows so i have blond eye brows now as i despise my dark brown ones!
cuts didnt sting in the shower luckily

had dinner then sorted out my clothes to take away with me
as i feel that could be the most time consuming thing to pack
so i got that out the way
feels weird not taking any warm clothing
usually im packing warm stuff!

id put 2lbs on today
which sent my anorexic thoughts into over drive
but i have eaten well today
so tomorrow if i weigh myself i will probably be 4lbs more
despite all the exercise i do

tomorrow
tomorrow i have a busier day lined up as i want to be occupied so i dont go mental
im hitching a ride to the city centre off my brother cus i need to pop into the council house for a minute to collect my council card then he's bringing me home
im then taking that and my qualifications to my new school as thats on my mind
then im coming home to pack
in the evening im going running club
gotta tire myself out somehow cus i'll be sat on my arse all day tuesday

2 sleeps to go 0.0

Nottingham Comic Con 2018 + PB

Evening

I woke up at 7am
got up to start my day and get off to park run
did 20 mins of yoga before i set off
and had a massive bowl of cereal and banana man i was full XD

I arrived and saw mums friends
told them i had a hair cut at 10:30am so i wasnt hanging around
the morning wasnt too cold actually so i was ok
and my muscles didnt feel like dead weights
i got off to a good start and it all felt pretty easy
i did push the last little hurdle as i was determined to beat this
couple with a bloody dog and they ran side by side
each with their own proper sports tshirts saying
"Mrs P" and the other "Mr P"
physically made me sick the level of sadness we had there
not only that but they were a nightmare to get by
fancy running side by side and with a sodding dog
theyd annoyed for practically the whole run
but did get ahead of me so i pushed myself to over take them at the end
too right i went by those sados XD
anyway ended up despite it not feeling that particularly quick
in 26:19!!!! can you believe that!? taken like a whole minute off there
not only am i in the 26min boundary im well into it and close to 25mins!
i was honestly shocked 

anyway came in
showered and went straight back out
for my hair cut which took longer than usual as she was running late
came home and choked a tea down me mum made me whilst
i got dressed and put light make up on
then i was back out for eye lash tints at 11:45am
that went fine but it stung my eyes my eyes were a lil blurry afterwards
and i had to drive XD
from there i headed to the city centre 

I walked straight to the convention
seeing people dressed up which always makes me smile
it was the same small lay out it is year after year
as i walked round i saw a face i knew i knew but couldnt get it
so i walked to the next aisle and then i got it
"3D and Graphic Design" course i did back in 2008-2010
so I went up to him
"i know you"
he said "i know you"
we both said the course
strange after all this time we recognised one another 
i honestly dont think we said more than hello when at college
i didnt like my college class and didnt talk to anyone
think i had 4 friends in a class of 30
so we chatted and stuff and talked about whats happened since college
of course i never ever mention my health
im just as normal as i can be to others
why dwell on a boring subject of one's health?
i brought a t-shirt from him for £5 which had a design on it he did
and £5 for a tshirt is good value

i walked round taking note of art
some peoples were stunning
some peoples were rubbish honestly i could do better
some people had made stuff i could do better
im not bigging myself up but some people werent great
i brought a key chain from someone which is cool
i one a beer mat from a guy challenging me to put it half over the edge of the table, whack my finger tips down on it, causing it to flip in the air, then catch it mid air
course i managed it
good reactions~~
so he let me keep it XD

i walked downstairs and realised there was a photo booth
and i have wanted to have a go before
and seeing as id had my hair and eye lashes done and i was in an outfit
i thought 'screw it why not''
besides i wont always have this 26 year old body might as well have a nice photo with it
so i asked if i could borrow the guys sword for the shot
and he was cool with that
he positioned me and took the photo then showed me the photo with 10 backgrounds
i had to choose
so thats what we ended up with it

i quite like it :D
lovely keep sake for £10 its about 6x8" 
heres the tshirt

the key chain

and my free beer mat

i left there and went to get lunch as it was 2pm now
i had beans on toast in a nice little cafe i went in last time i went town

i went to a few shops
brought a chrono crusade manga for £2 i already have it
but ive been collecting manga i could rip up as i think one day
id like to decorate a whole bedroom wall with manga pages :D
so  i pick up cheap manga where i can

i went to blue banana
even tho i went the other week to their sale i thought id check to see if they had added anything else to the sale and luck would have it they did
got a hoodie reduced from £38 to £10 just for slobbing in

and i got a really cool long checked shirt again reduced from £38 to £10
amazing quality that place sells

went round a few more shops then came home
id had enough
id been on my feet all day

got home around 3pm
sorted out todays stuff, went on my laptop
not done much else apart from that really
i did think about dancing but i am tired now
although the run didnt tire me out
dont know how that works as sometimes im shattered from running

tomorrow i am dusting my room
as ive changed my bed and hoovered yesterday
just got to dust
then i'll have a nice clean room to come home to
might do a bit of sorting out for packing on monday
i'll have more time to pack tomorrow than monday i think
got a few things lined up on monday to keep myself distracted 
adam asked if we could meet up before the holiday
but i dont want to 
ive already got a week with the guy i dont need to extent that
besides it will no doubt be me entertaining
cant be bothered with that crap

at the hair dressers today i said "im off on holiday on tuesday"
she said "oh with the man of your dreams?"
i cringed at that cus ive never referred to him as that 
i said "im going with him but we're not together anymore"
she said "im sorry to hear that"
i said "dont be its fine im the one who ended it"
she said "was it not working?"
i said "yeah i didnt love him anymore and it wasnt going anywhere"
have to be careful what i say as she cuts adam's mum's hair 
she asked if i was ok with adam's mum
i said "far as i know shes fine with me but i havent seen his parents since"
adam says hes missed having me around
and asked if i missed him
i told him no
its the truth
i havent

anyway we shall pass tomorrow
the days are getting less until i go away!
i dont feel too bad about it all today my stomach has still been off tho
just dont want to eat but i have been eating 
gonna do some japanese tonight then watch Killing Eve

All ticked off just need to pack

Evening~~

I woke up at 6:45am which is what time dad got up
I got up around 7:30am to do my teeth and have a wee then I went to bed
screw it
i hadnt had a lay in for god knows how long
and eventually i drifted off and woke up at 8:50am
made a real change for me to miss those 2 extra hours 
i got up and did some dancing
i suck at dancing i really do but i got sweaty and enjoyed it

I felt a smidge better about life today
my stomach wasnt quite so in a knot and i felt better about going away 
and about my new job

i sat and made 2 more christmas cards, for both Karens really
not as good as yesterdays batch but i think its cus yesterdays batch
were more my taste
still i got the job done

i had lunch and then i went out with mum
i drove us to a woods 25mins away
last 2 times we've been we've had ice cream
but we got there to find it closed
i was kinda relieved in a way as i knew that would kill my stomach
cold ice cream...yeah not a good idea but i know i would have eaten it XD

we came home after our walk which was nice
as theyre was a halloween walk in the forest so i kept seeing decorations
had a brew at home with mum
then i went upstairs to sort a few things out on my laptop
had an email from the school, asking if i could bring in my qualification certificates 
and that my council card was ready to collect 
i had typically taken my qualifications when i went in the other day but as she didnt ask to see them i didnt show them and didnt think much of it, she had obviously forgotten to ask to see them
i will collect my council card monday
but instantly my anxiety worsen again
i worried that my qualifications wont be good enough
even tho i listed to them what i have
i just keep thinking its all too easy and good to be true and that its gonna cave in
i will lose the job
honestly that is all my brain keeps telling me
and its making my stomach in knots
why cant i be happy and have a bit of confidence that it will be ok?
i did feel a little bit of confidence in it this morning
but i feel its vanished now

i sorted out travel insurance 
i sorted out my Siam Park tickets
i also decided to buy a ticket for a comic con at a university in nottingham tomorrow
been to it before its rubbish but i  like looking round art and it gives me something to do
just tickets arent cheap for what it is
but still, but sorting those 3 things out has twisted my stomach up
i have eaten today but its not sitting well
i feel like bringing it up to see if id feel better for it
the good thing is the only thing i need to do for this holiday is pack
yup done everything now i do believe
i kinda just want to get it done with now
the build up is killing me
i havent been talking to adam much just cus i havent got anything to say to him
nor does he have any conversation 
he did nothing before he had me and now he does nothing without me

i made dinner
well mum made meatballs
i cooked everything 
trying to distract myself
i did some dancing on the wii as well
apparently the hotel we're staying at sometimes puts on dance classes 
id be sure to give them a go! 

right tomorrow
given myself a busy day
i get up for park run by myself as mum isnt going
i come home and shower 
then i go straight back out no messing for a hair cut at 10:30am
i come home then i go back out again to have my eye lashes tinted at 11:45am
(getting them done so i dont have to wear make up abroad what with living in the swimming pool and stuff, just makes you look like you have mascara on all the time)
then i go straight to the city centre for this comic con
i will be tired but im up for it
keeps my distracted and busy
cus really i wouldnt be doing much else anyway
have no mates XD

wonder what my stomach and anxiety will be like tomorrow
sometimes i just feel like crying i feel that overwhelmed by life as of late
i dont think i will feel 100% better until i actually start that job
i will photograph those xmas card i made as well

Tea & Coffee Guinea Pig

Evening~~

I woke up at 7am but didnt get up til 7:20am as i drifted off
all this week I have had bad anxiety in the morning about the phone ringing
literally cant cope with it
so today ive rang up and said that i cant do tomorrow
cus no point i wont go school anyway so why stress myself out
i think maybe its because ive got a lot on my mind
it makes my mentalness worse 

i did some dancing this morning
then had a shower and then went for a walk
it was such a nice day i wanted to get out into it

i came back and started drawing little designs for christmas cards
yes i know christmas
i HATE christmas with a passion
but cus of the way ive been this week with my mentalness
its made me have creative block
so ive been trying to think of a small creative task i could sit and do
and cards came to mind
so ive been doing those today
got 5 finished dont think i will need many more 
dont have many friends and i dont tend to do my family one
usually i take a christmasy photo of my guineas and give that to mum as a card

mum asked if i had weighed myself recently
i told her i had and that id lost weight
she wasnt happy
but i said i wanted to lose some but also my stomach is literally in knots
food isnt sitting right and i dont want to eat cus it gives me stomach cramps
i said once holiday and work as settled down im sure i will be fine again
ive just got a lot going off
she wasnt impressed

we went for a short walk which was the same one as yesterday
and went into the same cafe as yesterday
we got to try the hot chocolate
i had toffee apple mum had white
they were both good cus we tried each others
but mine did give me a gross after taste

mum came home made biscuits i ate one but instantly
had anorexic thoughts afterwards making the biscuit not worth eating
all the while whilst eating i was being told in my head not to eat it
its quite draining as of late if im honest
im so tired with it all
i finished my cards 

here is that guinea pig picture i did its 5x7"

the background is tea and the guinea pig is painted using coffee
then outlined in a fine liner 
i quite like it, its growing on me more and more
just need a nice frame for it
i will keep an eye for one

tonight i have yoga
not been for a few weeks 
should be good as long as karen doesnt work us to death

didnt see tara last night
she didnt finish work til late so it wasnt worth going over
it does mean now i wont see her til like november 
annoyingly
but she did txt me a bit last night
she told me she wants me there when shes choosing her wedding dress!
i was shocked she wanted MY opinion on such matters
but she said im like her best friend and she wants me there
shes on about maybe getting married abroad 0.0
never known anyone to do that
then she said and have a due at home for everyone
ether way i wish to support her and james ^^

tomorrow not sure as of yet
i think me and mum are going out for a walk and maybe ice cream
depending if i can stomach it
then may see mia

Branch nails

Evening

I had a good time at Mia's last night
we just sat and talked really so it was nothing special
but did me good to see her
she has a tiny window by her back door and i always pull a face in whilst
waiting for her to come to the door
this time i could hear she was behind the door sorting pots in the kitchen
i crept to the window and popped my eyes out with a funny face
she turned round and it didnt half scare her XD
she was laughing and her heart was pounding
she says shes gonna get a blind for that window XD
i love getting up to mischief
i left at 9:15pm
id had enough it was cold in her house and my stomach hurt
my stomach has been in knots for past few days
just like anxious stomach really so i dont want food and food isnt sitting right 
one ive eaten it
i weighed myself this morning and id lost more weight
bringing the total to 2.4kg
im surprised to be honest as i havent been going out my way to lose weight
its just kinda dropping
im keeping an eye on it
i did say a few weeks ago that my weight kept going up so id like to lose weight
and be at 8stone 10pounds
this morning i weighed myself and im 8 stone 11 pounds
so i suppose im almost where i want to be
its just if it keeps dropping after that
doesnt help having my stomach in knots

this morning the phone didnt ring thank god
as i dont feel i could have coped, mentally, with going to another school and working
just felt not myself at all
mum said yesterday all day it was like i was there in body but not in mind
and i think ive been like it today as well

i did get up and dance and got sweaty
worked mainly on Uza
loving that dance, im crap at it like, but i do enjoy it
did some yoga before i danced too
my collar bone muscle is getting better but still giving me jip 
had a shower then went on my laptop
printed a few bits out to do with my holiday

didnt want lunch at all but ate it
felt bad after eating it mentally and physically
went for a short walk with mum and we had a brew in a cafe we've been to before
but we noticed after we'd ordered that they have 'toffee apple' hot chocolate
on the menu so we want to go back and try it!!!!!! well i do mum doesnt XD
we walked back and came home

i did some japanese
cus i havent done any for 2 days
i wrote out a list of stuff to take on holiday with me
then went on just dance 3 for 20mins i did really well

suppose to be going tara's tonight but if she leaves it much later
it wont be worth me going round soon!
means i could maybe eat dinner before i go instead of microwaving it
but she lives 20mins away 
we shall see
id like to see her and i guess im not doing much else

i finished the tea and coffee guinea pig today 
i will be sure to photograph it
it looks alright actually i think i will frame it and give it mum
for christmas to put up in the kitchen maybe 

tomorrow ive got yoga and maybe going out for the hot choc
havent been yoga in a couple of weeks
ive been doing home practice but it doesnt compare to the torture karen puts you through

my nails this week 

Signed stuff at school

Evening~

I slept alright
i got a phone call for work today
typically
a day i cant do and i get a phone call!
someone out there likes screwing me over it seems

I got ready in the morning to go school and sign some paper work
the staff in the reception were all lovely 
and i saw the head teacher briefly and thanked her
i had to fill an online form about my address and such
then i had to do my medical one...
i listed i had depression and see a psychologist 
i kinda thought just in case, mentally, i find the job hard
physically i didnt bother listing my issues as i didnt feel the need
i had to list my medication as well
i told the lady that i will need to leave half an hour earlier one day starting
as i have a psychology appointment to go to and she was fine with that
but i felt bad for already asking for time off!

i asked to be shown round the school which is huge
truly a big school
with 2 of each class that racks the total number of students up to 450
its a lot and its big and a lot to get used to
i felt a bit overwhelmed with it all

i came home and i felt too churned up inside to eat anything so i didnt have lunch
mum came home and i sat and told her about my morning
told her how theyve applied for a council card for me 
that i will have to pick up from a council building 
and that i havent got my contract yet that will happen in a few weeks
and how everyone is nice and i will be teacher in the lower key stage of the school
so that will be ether ages 4 to 7
so at least i know i will be able to do the work
and i get paid roughly what i am being paid now
its til easter then they will have a review but she said that she can see  my placement
being extended 
a lot of information to take in i told mum

i went for a walk to try clear my head
i came back and went to Boots and Wilkos with mum for a few bits
came back and had a brew 
sat on laptop but wasnt feeling it
i tried to paint using coffee but it was hard to tune off from thoughts
all i could think about was my holiday and work
two very big things for me and i dont know if its because im feeling fragile today
but i got a bit upset as everything feels too much to deal with 
mum reassured me
but she did say that all of today ive been distant like my body is in the room but my mind isnt
i didnt notice to be honest 
i had dinner and now im gonna go for a shower and see mia
she wants to do yoga but i dont 
ive had a banging head ache all day so im not putting myself through more for her sake
im shattered too
i want to socialise but im so damn tired 

tomorrow not sure what im doing
probably not work as i have nothing on so no work will come through
might see tara in the evening